Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter; I'm just borrowing him for my own amusement.
I don't own the flash video Banana Phone either.
"Warnings": Slash – if you don't like it, hit the back-button now. Weirdness. And annoying omakes. Bad grammar. (Hey, I'm Swedish, I can't be expected to know perfect english, but if you find any mistakes, please tell me, and I'll do my best to correct them until next time!) Err... Possible sexual situations.
Written by: Sakehime, seeing as Potato-kun still has no internet.
On to the story:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! This is far too much!
Not happening, not happening!
"Run, Potter", hisses the boy beside me through gritted teeth. I can tell he's bleeding, but he doesn't really seem to care – and neither do I, seeing as there are more important things to worry about right now.
Like the Death Munchers chasing us.
Damn, wasn't Hogwarts supposed to be a safe place! Nah, scratch that.
First year: A teacher with Voldemort sticking out of his head. Second year: The Chamber "Incident". Third year: Those blasted dementors! Fourth year: Moody Impostor, Triwizard Tournament and getting port-keyed to a graveyard to be used in a dark ritual to revive a certain old fart who calls himself a dark lord! Need I say more?
Yeah, scratch that – who the hell am I kidding! The day Hogwarts is safe is the day I abandon my whole identity to go live with the poor creatures that are going to be hamburgers at McDonalds! Hogwarts doesn't even need a dark lord to be dangerous! I mean, moving staircases, man-eating plants, not to mention Hagrid's "Fluffy", cute creatures. Lights a bulb somewhere, yes…?
"Oh for fuck's sake, Potter! Run already, you idiot!" bellows the guy in my ear, not caring if he's heard anymore. It's not like the Voldie-fans can't spot us, no rather the opposite, as one of them just shot a big notice-me charm at us. Simply put; it doesn't matter if it's late at night anymore, since where both glowing brightly like neon signs at a casino at night. Kind of hard not to notice, I'd say.
Hey, that guy is right! Running seems like a fairly good idea, right now. Ooh, did it take time for that to sink in or what?
And so I run, obviously.
Problem is, the other guy huffs, wheezes and stays where he is. Then he coughs up blood on the floor.
"Eew, gross!" I hear someone say. The voice sounds suspiciously much like Lucius Malfoy, and I cringe at its shrill tone. Oh, heaven help me – it's the wizarding version of Aunt Petunia!
No, I'm not going back. I want to live, thank you very much. Even if it as cowardly, and I'm dooming a year mate to a sure death, since he's in absolutely no condition to run. Of course not!
… Okay, so maybe I am. Curses to all Gryffindor traits!
I run back, and he laughs hysterically, screaming insults to me. How rude!
And suddenly I get this really bright idea – literally. A grin forms in my face, one of those insane and almost suicidal kinds of twitching grins.
The guy stops screaming insults and eyes me warily. Hehe, good instincts!
"So, Potty", taunts Lucius. Really, how original, I swear I haven't heard that one before! – And if you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. Either Draco is a carbon copy of his father, or it's the other way around.
I don't hear the rest of what he's saying – it's probably not worth my time anyway. So I ignore him in favour of picking my wounded year mate up from the ground and hoist him up over my shoulder. He gives and indignant squeak and I assume he's glaring at me, but it doesn't really matter.
"Close your eyes if you know what's good for you", I tell him so quietly our company can't hear. Not wanting to waist any time by waiting for his reaction, I point my wand at my chest with the mad grin plastered onto my face.
With a single word, it suddenly seems like a smaller sun is burning there – me, that is – and the Death Eaters all cry out in surprise, blinded.
Handy little spell, that one. Invented it myself, and I'm quite proud of it. It's used to strengthen already used charms on objects – or people in this case.
A quick finishing spell later, I smile brightly – no pun intended – and am on my way away from there.
The boy gives a quiet "Oof!" from my shoulder as I start to run.
"You're mad, Potter!" he says in a half-assed attempt to insult me.
"Thank you", I say cheekily.
Potter of all people! Why was Potter wandering the corridors of Hogwarts at night? …Stupid question, he's a Gryffindor. They do stupid things.
But more importantly, why exactly are we at Hogsmead? No, really!
I ask him about it.
"Hey, it's safer than Hogwarts, you know!"
I raise an eyebrow sceptically, although I know he can't see it. Strangely enough, he continues anyway…
"You know, after facing three-headed dogs, dragons, a dark lord and Dobby the house elf a couple of times, I'd hardly call Hogwarts safe. Oh… and did I mention a certain dark lord and his cute little Death Munchers?"
Okay, point taken… But he doesn't need to know that, so I keep quiet.
…I imagine we must look quite amusing with him running all over Hogsmead with a person almost thirty centimetres taller than himself over his shoulder. He's short, really. Really, really, really short. Or at least compared to me – his height is almost like a girl's. And Good Lord, he's thin too! I wonder how he manages to run around with me like I'm not heavier than a stuffed animal.
"Oh, fuck no!" he suddenly says, but as my bottom is up in the air, and my face buried in his backside, I really don't know what he's talking about. I'm not really sure I want to, though…
"I must have done something really bad in my previous life", he groans.
I snort. "No kidding."
"Shut up, I'm trying to think. Ooh, look at that! It's Lucy!"
Lucy? Who the heck is that?
"POTTER!" roars a familiar voice.
Oh. Lucius Malfoy. I should have known. Potter murmurs some spell I've never heard before and laughs before turning around to run again.
I lift my head slowly to see what he's laughing at.
And there is Lucius Malfoy, sputtering angrily, his black robes turned to a tight-fitting polka-dotted dress, and his hair turned neon pink. He's fumbling around, as if he can't see his surroundings. Confident that he's finally on the right way, he growls furiously, and starts running – straight into a wall.
I snigger, and so does Potter, while murmuring incoherent words about finding somewhere to hide.
Then he whoops in joy when he finds a slightly open door. He hurries inside quickly, and then sets me down on the ground.
Ouch, son of a bitch! That hurts! My arm is oozing blood.
"Oh!" exclaims a new voice. "I didn't expect any couples so soon! Are you here to seek my services?"
Distracted as we are, neither one of us really notices what he's saying.
"Safe for now", Potter murmurs quietly.
"Oh, excellent! But it is late… Do you mind if I make the ceremony shorter than usual?"
"Do you think we'll be for much longer", I ask Potter in the same hushed voice, still not paying any attention to the third man.
"Nope", says the Gryffindor, a bit too loudly for my taste.
"Very well then! What are your names?"
"Blaise Zabini", I say absentmindedly, not caring about anything but the evil wizards out there, and I hear Potter give his name to the stranger, just as distractedly as I.
"Good, good! Then, do you, Harry Potter, take Blaise Zabini to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"They're still out there", I whisper quietly.
"Yes", says Potter louder than necessary.
"Good, good! Do you, Blaise Zabini take Harry Potter to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"Look, they're gone!" he hisses.
Of course – they want to catch us off-guard after all. I roll my eyes. "Obviously."
The third voice, had I thought about it, sounded positively giddy. "Then all you need to do is sign here!"
Potter signs the document without looking at it, still keeping his eyes trained one the door.
And before I even know what has happened, I have signed it too.
"Great!" the voice states, finally we both turn our eyes away from the door, when it doesn't seem like any of Voldemort's servants will pop up and Avada Kedavra us.
What I see is a small, fat man, rubbing some tears out of his eyes.
"…What?" croaks Potter dazedly.
"You're married! As the first couple here, I'll insist you don't pay me! Oh isn't this simply beautiful?" he sniffs.
…Now, wait a minute…
"WHAT!" we shriek as one.
SakeHime: Short, yes I know. XD But it's only the prologue. (And a stupid extra.)
I had this idea, and I just had to write it down. XD I don't know how much I'll update, but... hehe, reviews would help... ;;;
"Um, what are we supposed to do with Malfoy?" asked a hesitant Death Eater.
"I dunno. We can sell him to a cosmetic company and buy butterbeers for the money…"
"Nah, no fun. Hey, you're both new recruits, right?"
"Well, here's what we do…"
The three Death Eaters started to whisper together and snickered occasionally.
Soon a fourth man joined them, whistling happily, while the rest of the bunch was searching for the escaped boys.
"Really, I'm starting to like that Potter! I've wanted to something like that to Malfoy for as long as I can remember!"
A while later:
"Okay, here we go!"
"On three! One… THREE!"
Lucius twitched and started to wake up.
"What the fuck" – was what he intended to say, but somehow, he just couldn't. It ended up coming out as:
"Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, Banana Phone!"
The four Death Eaters sniggered at the tune.
Lucius quickly closed his mouth and shut up, looking extremely furious.
"Hehe, look at your hair, Mr Malfoy", said the first one of them.
"And you lovely dress", added the second helpfully.
Malfoy complied, confusedly.
"RING RING RING RING RING RING RING, BANANA PHONE!" howled he in rage.
"Really, where did you get that?" asked one of the new recruits gleefully.
"Muggle flash-movies can be pretty good, you know", shrugged the older Death Eater and smirked.