Sas Uke Preggers no Jutsu
Disclaimer: I not own Naruto
Rating: M, cuz of language
Warnings: AU; ooc-ness; Sakura+Sasuke but only in the beginning, I promisssse! IMPLICATIONS of M-PREG
Summary: Sasuke is getting married 'cuz he needs to revive the Uchiha Clan, then Itachi gets in the way with a Jutsu to end that problem!
Uchiha Sasuke gave himself a once-over in the full length mirror for the tenth time in the past five minutes, posing in different ways just to make sure he looked exactly right. He honestly didn't know why he was making such a big deal out of it. It was just a ceremony – a wedding ceremony – but even then he wanted to look perfect (not that he had to try hard, anyway). Yep. Uchiha Sasuke, aka 'Get-away-you're-annoying-I'll-fry-you-with-my-fireball-jutsu-if-you-so-much-as-touch-me', was getting married to Haruno Sakura, aka 'I-have-a-big-forehead-and-that-means-more-to-kiss-don't-you-want-to-get-started-Sasuke-kun?'.
Don't get him wrong. Hell hadn't suddenly frozen over, therefore making Sasuke straight and interested in females, like an annoying medic kunoichi. One day he had simply woken up, realizing he was reaching his midlife crisis (at 20; Uchiha are vain and paranoid, coming from a cursed bloodline and all), and that he still hadn't achieved any of his ambitions. Needless to say, Uchiha Sasuke was desperate to complete one of those goals and carrying on the clan held more priority than going after Itachi and possibly dying in the process (which would equal no carrying on the doomed clan).
Sasuke was, by no rights, a slacker. He had searched for Itachi after ditching Orochimaru after staying 3 years with the bastard, but then the war on Konoha and Sound happened, which halted Sasuke's progress for two years. A year after that, Sasuke returned to Konoha to patch some things up with the village and help them against the Snake Sannin and his mindless minions. The Akatsuki had been pushed into the background since then, and the Leaf half expected them to pop out of nowhere to finish the dealing blow. Konoha had lost many of its best shinobi and would have been easily defeated if attacked the right way. Thank kage, Suna had been generous enough to lend a helping hand. But anyone who was anybody knew the kazekage only wanted to protect the home of his lover, one Uzumaki Naruto.
"Stop fussing," a blonde reprimanded, eyeing him through the mirror. He stood off to the side by the opened window, sitting to the sill. The wind ruffled his kimono slightly. "You look fine."
Sasuke fiddled almost nervously with the end of his sleeve. He wore a black montsuki kimono, simple, but with silver trimmings and his family crest on the back. His Leaf headband glimmered slightly in the light, having retrieved it from Naruto two years ago. The scratch across the surface remained as it was since the Valley of the End. Sasuke neither wanted nor thought he deserved a new one.
"Thanks for being with me, Naruto," Sasuke said after a while, meeting his best friend's gaze. "You know… because…" Naruto was grinning at him, and the Uchiha scowled, his sentimental mood ruined. "You're an idiot."
"I'm glad you're finally able to move on, Teme," Naruto replied without missing a beat. "Whatever happens, I'm here for you."
Sasuke looked away. Somehow, he felt in his heart that naruto's words foreshadowed the future.
The ceremony was going to take place at a shrine by the Hokage Mountain. There was a crowd forming already, their closest friends being inside. Sasuke had met Sakura about fifty yards from the shrine so that they could walk together. Sakura wore the traditional white shiroi-maku wedding kimono. Her face was painted white and her lips, red. Her pink hair was tied up in a bun and clasped with sparkling pins with her headband tied carefully on the top of her head. Sasuke glanced at her periodically. Her eyes constantly shimmered with tears of happiness and… disbelief.
"S-Sasuke," she would whisper, then pause, only to say his name a minute later. He held back from rolling his eyes, but it could have been worse…
Once inside, they met the Godaime, who was still kicking despite Naruto calling her an "old hag." Actually, her age was somewhat beginning to show, as the war had taken most of her chakra through the use of her original healing technique.
After the purification rite, which Sasuke slightly squirmed to, she prompted them to beginning their wedding vows. Sasuke, surprised, scowled and glared minutely at Naruto. Naruto gave him a look, as if saying, 'how the fuck was I supposed to know?' In either case Sakura went first.
"I knew from the moment I first saw you that we were meant to be together," she began sappily, tears finally spilling. Sasuke winced at the romanticism, knowing his speech would hardly be as devoted. "All the girls were after you, but I knew you'd choose me. We were just meant to be together. I could feel it. And look at us now, after all the struggles we've been through together…"
Sasuke zoned out halfway through. He and Naruto had a better connection than what she was sputtering out, in this case, 'fabricating.' Well, okay, yeah, they went to the academy together; sure she had a hard time keeping up her scores to be perfect for him. Kakashi's Survival test had been killer. They had been through hell in Wave country. The chuunin exams had truly brought them together. Orochimaru's mark on him had threatened to break all their bonds (for once, she mentioned Naruto). The three years without him had made her contemplate suicide, but only gave her the determination to get stronger. She had been devastated when she had failed to get him from Orochimaru. The War had almost convinced her he was dead, but she had had faith and he came through, helping Konoha win…blahzee blah.
Sasuke glanced through his peripheral vision periodically. Lee was tearing with joy, but he was incredibly sad as well. Neji shifted – probably needed to pee. Chouji was chewing on his sleeve. Shikamaru was asleep with his eyes open. Kakashi's hand was dangerously close to his thigh, itching to get to the 'weapon's pouch' hidden in his kimono (you see, Jiraiya had started a new trilogy half a year ago). Hinata sat attentively beside Neji, occasionally glaring at her cousin whenever the tatami mat creaked with his shifting. Ino had her arms crossed with a pout on her lips. Naruto sat in the very front beside an impatient looking Gaara, who looked like he was torn between stuffing Sakura's mouth with sand and jumping his lover. And last but not least, Tsunade seemed to wonder if her age would catch up with her on the spot, and she'd drop dead.
"… We're finally getting married! And we'll have lots of babies and make our mini Uchiha clan." Sakura finished off in a flurry of giggles and a blush bright enough to show through her make-up. Gaara chortled off to the side; something about more 'in-breeding' for the future and more Uchiha fuck-ups to fuck with fucking sexy little kitsunes and raccoons running around, which was really scaring Kiba, who had the bionic ears of a dog and didn't want to know how he was going to have little kitsunes and raccoons running around. He didn't want to imagine horde of chibi Gaara and chibi Naruto, much less see it in the near future.
Tsunade nodded at Sasuke, adding a look of 'please, while I'm younger than dead,' but they both knew Sasuke would be very frank and cut to the chase, rather than spill his whole life story for all to hear (not that they didn't know it already).
"Well, Sakura, I wasn't really planning on marrying you, but I need to revive my clan." He paused, but Sakura nodded enthusiastically, completely missing the first part of his speech. Figures. "You were the only kunoichi who understood me the most, so you were the best candidate for a wife, of course. And by the hundredth proposal this year, I just decided to accept."
Shikamaru snapped out of his sleep. He leaned over to Ino. "What the hell? She asked him?" he hissed in disbelief. Ino tossed her head.
"Well, I asked him twice as much as that, and Hitomi-chan asked him three times that, but he still chose billboard-brow," she whispered contemptuously. "Ugh."
Naruto sweat-dropped. It wasn't a secret to him. Gaara rolled his eyes. Neji wished he had telepathy along with perceptibility to tell people he needed to pee. Hinata blushed. Chouji chewed on his sleeve. Lee thought how lucky Sasuke was. Kakashi really wanted to read (though he had read the book twenty times already). Temari snorted. Kankurou was trying to devise a way to get Crow to take his place. Tenten, ever the helpless romantic, sighed. Tsunade wanted to laugh, but she knew Sakura's strength. Sakura only smiled shyly.
"Heehee. I knew you'd give in!" she cried in a way that made Sasuke reconsider…
"Now. If there are no objections for the union of Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura, I would like to proceed to the exchange of rings and sake –"
The doors to the shrine suddenly opened with a gust of wind, causing them to slam against the walls. Time seemed to stop. There, at the entry way, was Uchiha Itachi with a very disgruntled and very disapproving glare in his Mange Sharingan eyes.
"One more word, Godaime, and I'll go Uchiha on your ass," he growled in all seriousness despite his metaphor (which was really scary, if one thought about it.). Tsunade immediately clammed up, confused and afraid.
Neji jumped at the sudden intrusion, nearly wetting himself. Hinata had seen Itachi coming a mile away. Chouji stopped chewing on his sleeve for the whole minute. Ino was determined to ask this Uchiha to marry her fifty times in a day. Shikamaru remained consciously aware of his surroundings from then on. Kiba yelped as Akamaru tried to bury himself deeper into his robes. Gaara glared, torn between beating Itachi, who was inadvertently prolonging this horror, and jumping Naruto, who was secretly giggling to himself. Kakashi frowned behind his mask; Itachi had come to steal his first edition of Icha Icha Afterglow pt.I !
Sasuke turned to his brother, shock overriding hate. "A-aniki," he whispered, eyes burning and chest tightening with emotion. Itachi gave him a small smile.
"I came through one hell and into another, but this one is by far the worst."
"If you don't like it, then leave!" Sakura shouted, ultra upset because her hair was ruined by the wind of Itachi's dramatic entrance.
Itachi set his deadly eyes on her. "One more word and you'll be watching me ride Sasuke for weeks." Sakura grew silent, but it wasn't because of the threat. She was confused. How was that supposed to punish her? Upon seeing Sakura's expression, the elder Uchiha added, "and I'll be having his babies." Sakura began bawling, careful to mask any words that might slip out.
Sasuke blushed, which was really very strange because he was supposed to be hating his brother. "You can't get pregnant!" he retorted without thinking before speaking. WHY IN THE FUCK DID HE JUST SAY THAT? IT'S NOT LIKE HE WANTED ITACHI TO HAVE HIS BABIES, RIGHT?
Itachi chuckled, coming closer. "Foolish otouto. You didn't think I was hiding around for fun, did you?"
"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked innocently. He studied his brother's appearance closely. Itachi's hair had grown out more, and his Akatsuki robes were in tatters, where blood and skin were visible, but Itachi had never looked better or stronger. "What happened?"
"Leader was on to me, so I had to deal with the Akatsuki myself," Itachi replied with a shrug. "Sorry, I couldn't wait. I hadn't killed all of them, just the main members with rings, except for Kisame. He actually helped me."
Tsunade dared to speak. "Why would you do that?" Itachi looked at her, and she swore an extra ten years was lost on her life. If she was lucky, she'd make it to next week.
"Simple," he said, smirking. "Leader wanted to keep my Seal, and there was no way I was going to give it up."
"What Seal?" Sasuke asked. He felt very cold and very warm at the same time. The gleam in Itachi's eyes was beginning to freak him out. Sure, he'd seen Itachi go crazy ass psycho (aka: 'go Uchiha on your ass'), but this gleam of mischief and perversion mixed with Mange Sharingan could not be good for anyone.
"The Sas-Uke Preggers no Jutsu Seal. I named it myself."
Sasuke turned fifteen shades of red with embarrassment and anger. "WHAT THE FUCK!" he shouted, nearly causing the whole shrine to tremble. "First of all, I'm not gay, so I can't be bottom." At this, there were many giggles, but he couldn't hear them through the stream erupting from his ears. "Secondly, what in the hell does your Preggers no Jutsu Seal do? Doesn't sound like much."
"Actually, otouto. My Seal can do everything." Itachi replied coolly.
Gaara suddenly stood, glaring at Itachi with so much intensity the others were surprised the elder Uchiha hadn't been reduced to ashes already. " 'Preggers' as in pregnant?" he said slowly. His green eyes narrowed when Itachi studied his nails carelessly.
"Wouldn't you like to know, Tanuki? I bet your… virility… is just begging to make a cute litter of other virile tanukis and kitsunes in heat."
Naruto gave Gaara a confused look. "What is he talking about?" he asked, making a face. "What about tanukis and kitsunes?"
Tsunade and Temari buried their faces in their hands, thinking the same, exact thing: O shit, please no more horny demons and their offsprings.
Neji tapped his cousin. "Hinata-sama, I really need to pee," he whispered, already resulting to grab his crotch in an attempt to keep the nice, hot, stream of liquid in. "And I can't protect you with a bladder infection."
Hinata swiped his finger away dismissively. "Wait. I want to hear this!"
Sasuke's fists clenched at his sides. Why did he suddenly feel clueless about everything? It was like generations of Uchiha in-breeding had finally caught up with him. "Wait, so what does the 'preggers' no jutsu have anything to do with me?"
Itachi chuckled with delight, sounding as maniacal as the day he was born: 'yes! I have come into the world and I shall wreck havoc on aaaaaalllllllllll!1!1!' "Why, otouto, it will help you achieve your ambition," he replied sweetly.
"How would that kill you?"
"Silly. We're going to revive our clan."
"We can't do that if neither one of us is married, stupid aniki!"
Itachi thought about that a moment, tapping a slender finger against his chin. He fixed Sasuke with a smug expression. "Alright. We'll get married, then we can use my Sas-Uke Preggers no Jutsu?" he added hopefully, eyes sparkling and hands clasped in desperate prayer.
"No. I revive the clan. You die," Sasuke said with a tone of finality. His seriousness faded, however, when Itachi started walking closer, hips swaying slightly.
"Oh come on, Sasuke," Itachi cooed seductively. "I know you wanted to start a family with me."
Sasuke blushed. "That was when I was six. You know, before you killed our clan?"
"But we can start a new one! I massacred the whole clan with this single purpose in mind. You have my babies, and we'll live happily ever after!" Itachi nodded confidently. Yep, he had plenty of foresight!
Shikamaru leaned over to Ino. "The Uchiha are nut-cases, aren't they?" He waited for a reply, and when none came, he looked at her and saw that she had fainted against Chouji, who was chewing on her hair (and mumbling, "mm, sthrawberrieth"). The Nara prodigy smacked himself on the forehead.
Sasuke crossed his arms, actually contemplating this. Then Gaara spoke up, "How do you know it works?"
Itachi paused in his slow procession to the altar and faced Gaara. "There's a Seal and a potion to go with it. I spent years working on it, and I secretly used Akatsuki captives for experiments. My first successful couple was from the Mist Village – acquaintances of Kisame. He knew same sex couples who wanted full, biological children – and they had a cute, fishy baby girl. I even have a picture!"
While Itachi dug in his robes for the said item, Sasuke peered over at Sakura, who was prone on the wooden floor, sniffling periodically. He envisioned a pink haired boy with Uchiha eyes and cringed.
"Hn. Looks just like her parents," Gaara deadpanned, but upon closer inspection, he had a glimmer of excitement in his eyes. He took the photo and showed it to Naruto. The blonde was not as ecstatic.
"Ugh. They can copulate?" he asked rhetorically in disgust. Itachi nodded proudly. Naruto tilted his head thoughtfully. "Well, she does look like them. She has the gills of the one on the right and the eyes of the one on the left." Suddenly, he felt really, really envious of fish.
Itachi looked at Sasuke, happy to see the frown on his handsome otouto's face. "What about it, Sasuke? We don't have to have kids right away. We could… you know… play around a bit, first."
Sasuke seemed doubtful on what "playing around" intoned, but his kids would look better if he were with his brother. However… "What if our kids turn out wrong?" he asked.
"Did we turn out wrong?"
Silence, then a collective, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," from around the room.
Itachi's Mange began spinning as he regarded the perpetrators. "One word out of anyone…"
Sasuke sighed. "Okay." He went to his brother, who waited with open arms, Sharingan gone. He peered up at Itachi when enveloped in a tight hug. "Will it hurt?"
"Hmm. Yeah, it might. But I'll be with you. I'll get you whatever you want," Itachi promised. "All you have to do is name it."
The brothers were about to leave when Gaara stopped them. "I want that Seal, too," he said in all seriousness. Itachi turned around. "Name your price."
"What about a favor?"
"Done. Whatever it is."
Naruto looked up. "Don't be too hasty. He's still Itachi," he whispered. He smiled at Sasuke. "No offense, buddy!"
"None taken, moron. I get you," Sasuke replied with amusement, holding Itachi closer.
Itachi beckoned Gaara with a finger, and the Kazekage went willingly. The elder whispered something in his ear. Green eyes widened, then darkened, then glimmered psychotically.
"Three days," Itachi murmured.
As Sasuke and Itachi were walking out, they heard Naruto's voice shouting, "THEY GET TO WATCH US DO WAAAAAAT!"
Heehee. Anyone likey? Sorry, I was on crack when I came up with this. Thanks for reading! hope you enjoyed it!