Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns it all. I just had a play date with them.
Title: Goren's Revenge
Author: Greer Bontro
Spoilers: The First Cut is the Deepest by deliriousdancer
Summary: Goren gets even with Logan for the paper cut caper. Followup to The First Cut is the Deepest by deliriousdancer. That piece was SO funny that I cannot possibly be the only one to have a follow-up.
Capt. James Deakins is sitting in his office staring at a stack of case files on his desk. He thought he caught some movement in the Major Case bull pen, but when he glanced up everyone was seated, busy at their tasks.
"I don't like this," muttered Deakins to himself, "I don't like it one iota. There is an undercurrent and I just can't seem to get a handle on it. It's too damn quiet in here. Something is definitely up."
It was exactly two weeks since the paper cut incident. Goren had gotten a paper cut on his index finger that had bled a little and Logan had acted like Bobby had sustained a gunshot wound to the chest. Eames and Barek had joined in the fun, ministering to an unwilling Goren. And had Deakins really heard Eames promise Goren some wild circus sex? What the hell was that? He probably didn't want to know. At the end of it all Goren was suppressing his laughter, but that didn't mean he wasn't plotting his revenge on Mike Logan.
Deakins himself had found the paper cut incident hysterically funny, but managed to keep a stiff upper lip in front of his detectives. He saved his snickering for back in his office with the door closed. And he re-enacted the entire thing for his family that night at the dinner table. His wife, Angie, had laughed until she cried. But Deakins kept that to himself.
Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar. And things are just quiet because it's just quiet. Goren and Eames each had their Starbucks. Logan and Barek had not only Starbucks, but were munching on some kind of pastries. Logan had just stuffed a large piece of Danish into his mouth. It would have been too small in two bites, but was too big in one bite. Logan was not known for his familiarity with Emily Post.
As Logan stuffed the too-big bite into his face, his phone rang. Logan had been anxiously awaiting a call-back from a very promising witness. Never too worried about his manners, Logan grabbed the phone and attempted to talk. It is very difficult to make intelligent verbal sounds when you have a mouthful of pastry. It almost sounds as though you are choking. Or at least that's what Goren thought.
As soon as Logan answered the phone and uttered those muffled sounds, Goren sprang into action.
"Ohmigod, Logan's choking on his Danish!"
Goren raced over, put his big arms around Logan's chest from behind and proceeded to perform the Heimlich Hug. Goren's ham-sized fist was under Logan's rib cage as he pushed repeatedly against Logan's abdomen. The barely-chewed Danish in Logan's mouth became flying projectiles. Pieces of Danish spewed from Logan like lava from Mount St. Helen's. All over his desk and all over his paperwork.
"Mike, Mike, I gotcha, man. I won't let you die," yelled Goren.
Then he managed to pull the surprised Logan flat on his back on the floor. He was still sputtering spit, but seemed OK. That didn't deter Goren.
"Eames, quick! Hand me that Bic pen. I need to do an emergency tracheotomy on Logan so he can breathe."
"Get the fuck away from…"
"Quiet, Mike, don't try to talk. Save your strength, pal."
Eames and Barek had rushed over to assist Bobby's efforts to save Logan's life.
"Forget the trach, Bobby, I think he needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation," advised Eames.
"I can do that! I learned it in the Army."
Eames and Barek were kneeling on each side of Logan, holding his arms down so he couldn't hinder Goren's attempt to save his life.
"Mike, don't fight
it, let Bobby help you," pleaded Barek, "I can't promise you
wild circus sex, but I will let you make out with me in the back row at the movies. Only if we go to see The Break-Up."
"Goren, I'm gonna kill…," but Logan was cut short by Bobby using his fingers to clean any remaining food particles out of Logan's mouth. Then he pinched Mike's nostrils, covered Mike's mouth with his own and started breathing into Logan's mouth.
By this time Deakins was out of his office, and now standing within three feet of his two detectives sprawled on the floor.
"Goren, what the hell are you doing? If you want to swap spit with Logan, then for christ's sake do it on your own time."
"Bobby, you've saved Mike's life!" cried Barek, "Look, he's breathing on his own!"
Goren ceased breathing into Logan's mouth and let go of his hold on his nose.
"Jeez, Mike, I was afraid we'd lost you, buddy," said a relieved Goren as he patted Logan on the shoulder.
"Captain, shouldn't Goren receive an award for saving the life of a fellow officer in the line of duty?" suggested Eames.
Mike Logan was finally able to sit up, now that Goren and the women didn't have him pinned to the floor. His face was beet red. His shirt and tie a wrinkled mess. And there were bits of Danish all over. He shot Goren a look that said this ain't over, pal.
"So, uh…Barek…..ya wanna go see The Break-Up after work?"