The Very Secret Diary of Duke Roger of Conte

By Treanz-Alyce

Summary: Duke Roger, through AtfA and ItHotG. Humorous.

Rating: PG-13

Day 1: Arrived back in Corus from Carthak. Missing Ozorne. Will have to find evil and/or interesting replacement. Upset to discover loincloths disappeared in transit. Will have to go without. Annoyed that pesky brat cousin (aka Prince Jonathan) still alive. Not for long…

Day 14: King gave me one-on-one time to ah, examine all pages and squires. Lots of examining. Some for magic. Pesky brat still alive.

Day 30: Most pages ugly. And annoying. Few with promise. Also, pesky brat still alive. Caught him in my chambers, sniffing my soap…

Day 115: Had sparkly tunic made to wear to Midwinter Feast. Bet King will drool at my manliness. Hah. Also, made matching sparkly dagger. On that note, pesky brat still alive.

Day 230: Caught pesky brat in chambers again. Was tempted to keep him there and have my way with him, but didn't want to get too attached to future victim. Will go and find Gareth, instead.

Day 251: Pesky brat's short friend got sparkly new sword. Am very jealous. Is long and pointy. Quite manly. Want. Wondering if I should go on a long trip with Myles to be rewarded with sword…

Later: Asked Myles if I could have a look at his big, manly sword. Got funny look. Alas.

Day 254: Attempted to get sword off redhead boy. Burned me with its magic. Suspect he likes painful foreplay.

Day 440: Discovered Tirragen boy. Very bendy.

Day 443: Made Tirragen boy squire. Now have reason to keep him in my chambers.

Day 454: Tirragen boy lots of fun. Am worried that too much sex will make my hair fall out though. Need to see Baird. Pesky brat still alive.

Day 541: Been very busy with bendy squire. Forgot to mention, not going bald. Was a good day. Had manly pedicure, tea party with the King and sent pesky brat cousin to doom.

Day 572: Pesky brat cousin back. Made friendly with redhead boy while defeating evil demons. Not happy they destroyed Ysandir. Were good for group orgies. Suspect trying to make me jealous with readhead. Am not. But redhead almost cute, in a stumpy way.

Day 630: Have tired out bendy squire. Uncle not too happy, informed me that he wanted a turn. Told him that he should have shared his own squire first. King informed me that pesky brat was not for sharing. Could have fooled me.

Day 780: Bendy squire now bendy knight. Power play not as fun anymore. Am eyeing redhead boy. May be required to persuade pesky cousin. Yay!

Day 782: Redhead turned me down. Very sad. Will set spies on him. Maybe a ninja or two. Will ask to borrow some of Provost's when I see him tonight.

Day 810: Have discovered knights can still be fun. Prime Minister's son not as bendy as Tirragen boy, but knows nifty tricks.

Day 910: Embassy from Tusaine arrived. Eyeing pretty knight in train. Was disappointed to discover he lacked a squire. Still need one, and would have tried to borrow his.

Day 912: Redhead boy beat pretty knight from Tusaine. Was angry at Tirragen boy for not telling me. Am suspicious that he is jealous of squire's bendiness. Will have to investigate.

Day 935: Pesky brat now nineteen. Had celebration, and looked dashing. Was annoyed that attention on Eldorne whore. Own her soul already, so don't care. Received no comments on sparkly new tights.

Day 945: Eldorne girl sleeping with pesky brat. Didn't take long. Hope he catches deadly disease from her.

Day 965: Eldorne girl now servicing whole court. Am impressed by her stamina. Am also repulsed by her odour. Big breasts do not exclude bathing courtesies.

Day 982: Prime Minister's son and Goldenlake boy dueled over Eldorne girl's glove. Did not inform them that it was actually the King's. Offered them the chance to duel over sparkly tights, was politely declined.

Day 1014: Was bored today, so set rabid pig on redhead boy. Was fun, hope he wet his pants… Will not think of his pants…

Day 1080: King announced war. Decided to put Prime Minister in charge. Stupid quill-pushing-paper-munching-page-molesting bastard. Shouldn't have turned King away from chambers last night, know this is his punishment.

Day 1087: Prime Minister conveniently fell from horse and broke leg. Am now in charge of lots of strong, sweaty men. Will get to blow things. Blow UP, damn it. Also, look pretty in chain mail. Can see reflection of self while looking brave! Should declare war more often…

Day 1123: Will have pesky brat killed to make more interesting… Should probably change out of chain mail sometime soon, am starting to smell… invest in mirror instead.

Day 1124: Went and cornered redhead boy. Am now convinced he is the pesky brat's bed friend now. More reason to kill pesky brat.

Day 1125: Redhead boy captured. Hope enemy do not have fun with him. Actually, hope they do… Should go and trim beard.

Day 1126: Pesky brat went to rescue redhead boy. Defied King. Will get killed, yay!

Day 1127: Pesky brat survived. Also brought back important captives, stupid boy. Will now have to wind up war, meaning less chance to wear shiny chain mail. Woe.

Day 1174: Eldorne girl now servicing most of Corus. Except pesky brat, who has gone strangely chaste. Do not buy it.

Day 1300: Kingdom is boring. Offered King loincloth to add to crown jewels. Accepted gratefully, but suspect that he will not pass such a rare commodity on.

Day 1627: Have commissioned more sparkly tights for Midwinter. Am expected to show for knighting of redhead boy. Never got to test his bendiness. Bastard. Worse, pesky brat still won't DIE.

Day 1628: Redhead boy survived ordeal. Bastard.

Later: Redhead's twin brother far more welcoming. Glee! May even subtly enquire about Trebond sandwich!

Later: Stupid redhead boy found evil wax dolls! Took them totally out of context. Never gave me chance to explain that killing aunt was only way I could marry King and be Queen. All just jealous of good looks and genius. Hmph. Will show them.

Later: Dead :(