Cannonball Run 2006: TBA
Prelude (Not A Honda)
AN:Welcome to the 2006 running of the Cannonball Run.
This time around, there will be a few more teams and some new faces. However, Mel and the doctor (I couldn't fit him in anywhere) will not be taking part and I apologize for that. I promise a few surprises will be ahead.
And so, to give you a better idea of what these characters are supposed to look like, here's the cast:
J.J. McClure-Jerry O'Connell
Victor Prinsi/Captain Chaos-Horatio Sanz
Pamela McClure-Tara Reid
Jamie Blake-Colin Quinn
Morris Fenderbaum-Arsenio Hall
Marcie Thatcher-Jordana Spiro
Monkey Matthews-Chad Lindberg
Jill Boyd-Tinsley Grimes
Jessie Munroe-Raelee Hill
Pete Rivers-Danny Strong
Steve Carter-Mike Epps
Jackie Lewis-Dustin Diamond
Michael North-Darius McCrary
Professor Weathers-John O'Hurley
Seymour Drake Jr/The Drake-Cole Hauser
Ron Lucas-Brian Baker
Brad Compton-Will Forte
Susan Cope-Stephanie March
Terry Fletcher-Andrew Heckler
Sarah Fletcher-Kimberley Williams
Danny Mitchell-Martin Henderson
Chuck Prescott-Will Arnett
Betty Prescott-Amy Poehler
Rob Falcon-Vince Vieluf
Patrick Bannon-Jamie Kennedy
Big Bison-Keenan Thompson
Frankie Thunder-Johnny Strong
Miss Whitaker-Kate Mulgrew
And so, let's begin. But first, a retrospect.
"That's three thousand miles averaging over a hundred miles per hour."
Captain Chaos ran down the driveway at the Portofino Inn with his cape billowing in the wind.
Mad Dog raced down the driveway of the starting line in his GMC Sierra and drove up an embankment before knocking down a section of fence.
Fenderbaum let out a howl as the Porsche Boxster Blake was driving tore off.
Victor raced off in the Ford E-250 ambulance he and J.J. were using. Mr. Foyt was trying to enter the rear and became airborne while holding onto the handle. Finally, his grip slipped and he hit the pavement face-first.
Jill and Marcie's MR2 raced down the street with its nitrous system going full blast.
Terry's unmanned Chevelle rolled towards a river. The Chevelle fell in, hit a rock and exploded.
The Drake's BMW 745i was parked between two police cars. Suddenly, it raced off and the Drake tossed his torn-up speeding ticket.
Michael activated a pair of JATO bottles in the Subaru Impreza he and Jackie were in and sent the car flying up a hillside.
Marcie jammed her team's time card in the time clock and claimed victory. She and Jill high-fived each other.
The Australian flag was seen on top of a building.
Jackie and Michael's Mitsubishi Eclipse drove off a boat dock and into the Swan River.
Jill pushed a button on the control panel of her borrowed Nissan Skyline and blasted Fenderbaum with the car's nitrous purge.
J.J. and Victor's Holden Statesman limosine was parked in the middle of the highway. A police car swerved to avoid hitting it and drove off the road.
The Ford Falcon Mel, Terry, and Sarah were in raced towards the back of a trailer home before ripping through it.
The Maserati 3200GT Blake was driving spun out and blocked the highway. The two police cars chasing it veered off into the ditches at the side of the road.
Pete raced into a turn with his borrowed Mazda RX-7 and drifted through it. Steve leaned out of the window and threw up.
The Drake pulled to the side of the road in his BMW 545i and talked with a beautiful woman. It was then that Alex put a gun to his head.
At the finish line, winners Jackie and Michael enjoyed a few drinks.
Danny maneuvered his Audi TT Quattro through the mountains of New York.
The Scion Jill, Marcie, and Jessie were using raced into a shopping plaza and made a fast left.
Terry raced his '69 Dodge Coronet up the ramp to a bridge and jumped two police cars.
The Drake passed a blue Nissan 350Z in his red BMW M3.
The Aston Martin Blake was driving got rear-ended by the Monte Carlo driven by one of Frankie Thunder's henchmen.
The Crown Victoria police car J.J's team was using raced down the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge at a high rate of speed.
The Acura TSX Jackie was driving raced out of a side street along with several other cars.
Batman stood at the finish line with winners Blake and Fenderbaum.
"Pamela, will you marry me?" asked J.J. They hugged and kissed while the Cannonballers applauded.
Portofino Inn, Redondo Beach, California. A few dozen cars were parked around the parking lot. Some were apparently stock, others had some custom work done. All had one thing in common: within an hour, they would be driven in a race across the country. A race known as "The Cannonball Run".
One such car was a 1998 Ford Mustang GT. The car was painted blue with black and silver tribal graphics from Race Apeel. It was also fitted with a Ground Designs 2000 Black Widow body kit and TSW Nogaro rims. The car's owner, Chuck Prescott, was standing nearby.
"So, Mr. Prescott." said the blonde woman standing nearby. "What is it you do for a living?"
"I'm a mail room clerk." said Chuck.
"Really?" said the woman. "How does a mail room clerk afford a nice car like this?"
"Well, it started in my possession as a stock 'Stang." said Chuck. "After that, I added on a few things. But if I told you how, I'd never get rid of you."
"Do you have a lucky lady to share this with?" asked the woman.
"You should know." said Chuck. "You see her everytime you look in the mirror. Come on."
"Thanks so much." said the woman, Chuck's wife Betty.
"Just don't forget who came up with this design." said the man standing next to the Camaro behind the Mustang, auto mechanic and veteran Cannonballer J.J. McClure.
"I never do, J.J." said Chuck. "I have to admit, your boy Victor did a good job on your Camaro."
Chuck looked over the Camaro. It was a '98 Z28 that had been painted lime green, affixed with an RK Sport ground effects kit and Axis Penta rims, and white stripe graphics from Scrap Vinyl had been applied.
"Sure did." said J.J. "It's suped-up, tricked out..."
"And most of all, ready to race." said a short woman who'd been examining the interior. "Looks like you two are good to go."
"Thanks, Lisa." said J.J.
J.J's wife Pamela and their teammate Victor Prinsi returned to the car.
"Hey, honey." said Pamela as she jumped up and kissed him.
"Hey, J.J." said Victor. "How's the car looking?"
"Sharp as always." said J.J. "And fit for racing according to Lisa."
"Ha, alright." said Victor.
"Well, I'm all finished." said Lisa.
"Okay, see ya later." said Victor.
"Nice." said J.J.
"What?" asked Victor.
Lisa walked over to a black Mitsubishi Raider with a silver brush guard and a black rollbar. A distiguished looking older man was looking at the bed. MIT graduate Michael North was sitting in the passenger seat.
"Professor Weathers, I've finished logging the entrants." said Lisa.
"I'm almost done myself." said the man, Professor Weathers. "I'm just a little more interested in this truck because the members of the team are former students of mine."
"Yeah, Professor, how's it look?" asked Michael.
"Absolutely pristine." said Weathers. "Except for this gouge in the paint. Looks like someone dragged something along the length of the bed with a lot of force."
"What?" said Michael as he climbed out and looked at the bed. "Oh! How the hell did that happen?"
"You don't know?" asked Weathers.
"I wasn't here when it happened and Jackie didn't mention it." said Michael.
"Where is Jackie?" asked Weathers.
"He went to check out the competition." said Michael.
Lisa looked into the bed. "You've got a computer and a hydraulics system?" she asked.
"Yeah, yeah." said Michael. "The hydraulics reservoir is in the cab instead of the bed. That way, if it breaks, we get splattered instead of the fragile electronics."
"What about the keyboard?" asked Weathers.
"That's when I play human shield." said Michael.
"Sounds like you've got it all figured out." said Weathers. He looked back at the bed and said "Even went through the clearcoat. Who did this?"
Next to a path, Michael's teammate Jackie Lewis was sitting on the rear fender of a brand new Mazda MX-5. The car was painted bright red and had yellow and orange splash graphics from Modern Image. It was fitted with Maya RT5 wheels. Los Angeles tuner Marcie Thatcher was leaning on the front fender and her mechanic boyfriend Monkey Matthews was sitting in the passenger seat.
"So, this is the new Miata." said Jackie.
"MX-5." said Monkey.
"Yeah, Mazda doesn't officially call it the Miata anymore." said Marcie. "It has too much of a girlie image, I guess."
"I can't believe you already got one of these." said Jackie. "I've barely seen any of these on the road."
"What can I say? I've got connections." said Marcie.
"So, how are things looking at Mitsubishi?" asked Monkey.
"Pretty good." said Jackie. "You should see the Evo IX. Ralliart's already got a few designs on it."
"I'm a little more interested in the new Eclipse." said Monkey as two skateboarders flew down the path. "I've done the math. The engine could probably get..."
He was cut off when the two skateboarders hit a ramp. One cleared the Mazda while the other did a rail slide on the windshield. Jackie was so freaked out, he fell off the fender while Monkey and Marcie jumped back in shock.
"Jesus Christ!" yelled Marcie.
"I know, they did the same thing with the truck." said Jackie.
"Great, now I gotta change my undies!" yelled Monkey as he climbed out of the car.
The two skateboarders raced through the crowd of cars. The one who cleared the car, Irish boarder Patrick Bannon, said "Boy, our competition has some nice hardware."
"Don't say that." said his partner, American boarder Rob Falcon.
"The c-word." said Rob.
"Competition?" asked Patrick.
"We're not in this to compete." said Rob. "We're here just to say we completed the journey and enjoy the ride."
"And most likely do as much stupid shit along the way as we can." said Patrick.
"Good, you've done your homework." said Rob. "Let's get back to the car."
"You got it." said Patrick.
They kicked off to accelerate. Their bodyguard Big Bison followed in a rolling office chair with a garden gnome in his lap. "Hey, guys!" he yelled. "Wait for me! Wait for me!"
The boarders passed former NASCAR mechanic Terry Fletcher and his wife Sarah as they walked back to their car. "Is that who I think it is?" asked Sarah.
"Yeah. Yeah, it is." said Terry. "Looks like he made it after all."
"You can take the kid out of the skate park," said Sarah as Big Bison passed them "but you can't take the...didn't we used to have a garden gnome like that?"
"Yeah. What happened to it?" asked Terry.
Terry looked to see a scruffy, bearded man in a leather jacket walking towards him.
"Nice to see you made it." said the man. "The name's Venom. You know Ron? I'm the Drake's other bodyguard."
"Oh yeah." said Terry. "I remember you from last year."
"Venom? What kind of name is that?" asked Sarah.
"German." joked Venom.
"You running with the Drake again this year?" asked Terry.
"Yeah, he needed an extra bodyguard again." said Venom. "I think I might also get in a little...wetwork."
"Wetwork?" asked Terry. "Oh, I get it."
"Saw you on T.V. last week." said Venom. "I can't believe you got taken like that."
"Hey, these guys are pros." said Terry.
"Hey, is this the car?" asked Venom when he saw Terry's car.
"Sure is." said Sarah.
"Looks even better in person." said Venom.
"I thought so." asked Terry. "So, what's the Drake running?"
The Drake's rival Brad Compton walked back to his car with his new financial advisor Susan Cope. Not coincidentally, she was also the Drake's former financial advisor.
"We need a strategy." said Brad. "I can't lose to the Drake. Not after what I've done to him."
"Relax, you beat him last year." said Susan.
"Yes, but that was only because of a chance spinout." said Brad.
Brad and Susan froze when they saw Seymour Drake Jr, a.k.a. "The Drake", walking towards him with his bodyguard, Ron Lucas.
"Hell of a honeymoon, dontcha think?" asked the Drake.
"You're not going to throw rice at us, are you?" asked Brad.
"No, of course not." said the Drake. "Kills birds. I just came by to see what you were planning."
"You're not learning our strategy unless you tell us yours." said Susan.
"Oh, we have a great strategy." said the Drake. "We have such a great strategy, I can't legally tell you because it would kill you. And I don't want to go to jail for murder."
"You don't really have a strategy, do you?" said Brad.
"No, we don't." said Ron.
In the passenger seat of a silver Lotus Elise, aspiring musician Wayne "Batman" Bruce leafed through the CDs of the car's owner, Miami nightclub owner Danny Mitchell.
"Got it, got it, sampled it, got it, want it, got it...Kajagoogoo?" he said.
Outside, Danny had pulled up his shirt and was showing his back to two of Marcie's fellow street racers, Pete Rivers and Steve Carter. He had some scars from a successful kidney transplant the previous year.
"I gotta thank my cousin Phil for his generous gift of a kidney." said Danny in his New Zealand accent. "He literally saved my life. He didn't want to come, but a little part of him is coming anyway."
"Man, you should do that more often." said Pete. "You know, chicks dig scars."
"Plan to." said Danny.
"You did nice D.J-ing last night." said Steve.
"Thanks, but you really should've warned me." said Batman.
"About what?" asked Steve.
"That one of your teammates was named Monkey." said Batman. "It made one of my song choices a little inappropriate."
"Sorry about that." said Steve. "Of course, had I known you were going to play it..."
Jamie Blake and Morris Fenderbaum walked over to their car, a red 2004 Acura NSX, only to find someone had wrapped it in Saran-Wrap and poured flour all over it.
"I see people are still pissed over last year." said Blake.
"Gee, I wonder why?" asked Fenderbaum sarcasticly.
"Could it be because you sold us out to the cops and tried to get us all arrested?"
Blake and Fenderbaum turned around to see another pair of Marcie's teammates, Jill Boyd and Jessie Munroe.
"Well, if you're going to hold a grudge." said Blake.
"Listen, you bloody ratbag." said the Australian Jessie. "I don't know what makes a man sell out his friends like that, but I know that I wouldn't because they wouldn't forgive me afterwards. And guess what? We haven't."
"We've thought long and hard about it and we decided to try to go this one straight." said Fenderbaum. "No funny stuff, no backstabbing, just clean racing."
"I'll believe that when I see it." said Jill.
The two girls walked back to their car.
"Yeah, WHEN you see it." said Blake.
Fenderbaum groaned. "Help me get this stuff off the car." he said as he began to unwrap the Saran-Wrap.
From the hotel's dining room, mercenary Frankie Thunder and an Australian gangster known as Rocco looked on.
"Looks like they had a hell of a party last night." said Rocco.
"Yeah, wish we were there." said Frankie.
"Look at all of those cars." said Rocco. "I think this line-up is bigger than two years ago."
"Or last year." said Frankie. "Hold on, I see him."
"Who? The target?" asked Rocco.
"That's the one." said Frankie. "Soon, he will be toast."