A/N: Okay so this parody is based on the third episode of the third season. It is what we think REALLY happened to Locke in the sweat house. So there are like seven different POVs in this chapter. FIGURE IT OUT! I"M NOT GONNA WASTE HALF THE STORY BABY FEEDING THIS TO YOU! What? Didn't you all know that more than a séance went on inside of the hidden tarped tent? If you didn't you're all stupid. Cuz I said so and I'm Writing Fairy so I'm always right. And yes we were insane when we wrote this…
Anyways, you have to ignore my snooty friend, she likes to write like a stuck up Brit. Yes she writes like a Brit.
I do NOT write like a BRIT!
Then explain why you like to talk like one?
Cuz it's cool and pisses you off and ya know what? It could come in handy one day when I'm an American hiding out in England from the officials and their looking for an American and I'm a freaking BRIT!
I think you had too many crumpets and tea.
And I think your soccer team actually needs to WIN a game before you can start dissing me! OOOOHHHH BUUUURRRRRNNNNN!
Well we did win one last week so (thows water and puts out burn) Ms. Hot flash
Okay. Colour me confused. But who were you playing? Five year olds?
More like seventeen year olds. Two years older than u!
Ri-ight. And I'm J.K. Rowling…but then again, maybe I am
Or maybe ur Mary Poppins seeing as you like to be little British women. Who believe in magic.
Chapter 5: What REALLY happened in the Sweat House
"You need to speak to the island?" Charlie asked giving Locke a VERY peculiar look.
Locke pointed, signaling that Charlie was correct. Then like five minutes later they constructed a sweat house into which Locke could find out if he was a hunter or a farmer. And he needed to ask the 'island' what to do next because there was absolutely no way he could have found out that he needed to find Eko on his own. That was way beyond Locke's primal paganistic knowledge.
So Locke went into his sweat house with out his shirt, God ur so sexy!!!! Ur old enough to be my grandpa! But all the girls want you anyway. So, anywayz, Locke sat down on the ground and picked up his heroine based pudding. Hypocrite.
Then the late Boone with long girlish hair that blew back in the wind appeared. He also was clean shaven, almost like he had gone to a barber shop in heaven. And then he showed him a very unimportant drug induced hallucination that had absolutely nothing to do with the plot so we'll just skip it. Abridged version, find Eko, you stupid son of a bitch. OMG was that what the all powerful island was supposed to tell me!? I had no idea!
Meanwhile Eko was like where the hell are Locke, Charlie, and Desmond! He was thinking this as the polar bear was chewing on his leg. He felt good; at least he was helping the polar bear with its toy deprivation! I mean, seriously! How many chew toys could there possibly be on this island! So, it was this though that kept him content with his role. This then brought him to wonder about his friends and how they were helping those around them in the name of God. Hmm, I guess they're just biding their time and waiting for the right moment. That's okay; I'm perfectly fine with it! I'll just put my trust in God, cuz he's not the reason I'm on the island in the first place!
So then the island was thinking, Jesus Christ! These plane crash survivors are harder to kill than dandelions! I mean, come on! I imploded the freakin hatch and they're all still running around, and one of em's naked! I should just call an exterminator and get this problem fixed by a professional! It itches really bad!!! And all the runnin around they do, all the footprints they have left! Do they realize it hurts really really bad! And the time they exploded the hatch to get it open, I thought I'd never recover. I spent three weeks in physical therapy for those mother huggers! Change up a couple of letters and you can figure it out!
Charlie was thinking as he waited outside the sweat room, so I wonder what Locke's doing in there? What could he and the island possible be chatting about? What if the island's a woman? Hmm. I wonder what could be going on in there? He did go in without his shirt on…
Claire watched Charlie watching the sweat house which was in turn housing Locke. Charlie turned and was blocked by the bundle of tarps. Hmmm… Sometimes she had to wonder if there was some thing going on between Charlie and Locke. Or if there had been before. I mean, why else would Locke have gone in that stupid hut shirtless….then she had to wonder if Charlie was cheating on him with Eko…and then on Eko with her…hmmm… wellness. That's confusing. I'm just gonna sit down until my head stops spinning… hmm…I wonder why Aaron's down so close to the water….
So then Desmond was streaking in the jungle.
The island was like "Oh my God! Ugh! Put some cloths on! This isn't a nudist colony! That's my brother's specialty! You should see how big his tree is!"
Then Hurley was walking in the jungle.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Could you stomp any harder!!! No! Don't sit down! Anything but that!" The island cried and moaned, "Oh man, I didn't need to see that! If I wanted to keep elephants around here I'd call my sister and tell her to drop by she weighs a ton, no make that three!"
"What's that smell?" Sawyer drawled.
"What, I can't smell anything?" Kate questioned, stretching her slutty dress down so maybe it would reach her thighs and not reveal her ass to any more of the world.
Sawyer looked at her with a grim look on his face, "Old man, without a shirt on."
"Wait a minute, wait a minute! You don't have to do that!" The island pleaded, he liked the short dress the wonderful inhabitants of his land had given the pretty girl to wear at her stay at the beautiful resort on the non murdering side of his space! Wait a second didn't we say this was a girl island? So it's a transvestite. Or bi or a lesbian, or a perverted southern island.
A/N: So read and review, did u get the whole long tree reference? I didn't I still have absolutely no idea what that means. You're stupid. It's the island's freaking dick. OMG I thought it was supposed to be its nose! God help me. And we're friends. (Rocks back and forth in a corner, OMG OMG OMG!) I think she's going to have a fit! Where's the defibulater? She's traumatized for life through her realization from her séance! No more séances for you little missy. Listen to the Brit and you'll be just
...fine...uh-oh...what was that three digit number to call for help again...