Behind the Scenes
By Adrian Tullberg.

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Recently, as part of a public relations exercise, a 'Behind the Scenes' documentary was filmed at Mutant Enemy, but for unexplained reasons, never went to air. Thankfully, an undisclosed source managed to provide a transcript of the filmed material for public perusal.

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The shot opens behind a set, with ANTHONY STEWART HEAD (ASH) seated on a Hollywood style folding chair, reading a magazine titled 'Leather Lads of Luxembourg'

ASH
My god, you could bounce a coin of those sweet ...

CAMERAMAN (OS)
Tony, we're rolling

ASH hurriedly throws the magazine over his head, and smiles at the camera

ASH
Hello. I'm Anthony Stewart Head, star of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm here to take you behind the scenes of one of America's most popular shows.

Pauses, then leans forward, looking serious.

ASH (Cont'd)
First, I'd like to take the opportunity to say that the rumours that this new series is just an excuse to replace me with Rowan Atkinson are totally without foundation.

(Laughs)

So he's one of Europe's most talented and highly paid stars. This is America! That wouldn't even get you a cup of coffee! (shuffles in his chair) Me being replaced by bloody Mr. Bean ...

(tries to affirm his authority)

ASH(cont'd)
I mean, introducing a whole new character without preamble or introduction? They'd never do that around ...

Realises what he's saying, tries a different tactic.

ASH (cont'd)
I'm an important member of the cast. I'm the only regular who can go to the liquor store and not be asked for ID. (pauses) You have no idea how important that is around here.

(gets up, motions to the cameraman)

ASH
Let's get this show on the road, shall we?

As move out of and behind the set, EMMA CAULFIELD and JAMES MARSTERS come into shot, walking down the corridor. ASH moves to intercept.

ASH
You two! We're filming the behind the scenes doco ... want to say a few words?

EMMA
Until you give me back those Playgirls, I'm not doing you any more favours Tony.

ASH
Er ... um ...

JAMES mugs for the camera.

JAMES
This is the guy (indicates to ASH) that taught me how to do an authentic West End accent. He is a freaking genius.

EMMA rolls her eyes and drags JAMES out of shot. ASH gives the camera a 'naughty boy' grin.

ASH (Conspiratorially)
We still can't believe he hasn't figured it out yet.

They keep on walking until ASH comes to a door marked 'Joss Whedon'

ASH (Quietly)
Let's start off with some words with the creative force behind the entire series. If we're lucky, maybe we can catch the originality bursting into bloom. (winces) I sound like bloody David Attenborough.

ASH opens the door, to see JOSS hard at work, reading a copy of 'Doctor Who, the Television Companion', and writing notes.

JOSS
Hey, Tony! (looks around furtively) By the way, the next season's big villain is going to be a talking robot dog! Who fires a laser out of his nose! What do you think of that?

ASH (Obviously lying)
Very original ...

JOSS
That's what I thought. Ha! I can't loose with this stuff!

ASH closes the office door, and leans against it.

ASH (Mutters)
Remember, old man, it's either this gig or doing drag in dinner theatre.

CUT IN FOOTAGE.

ASH is heading to what looks like a dressing room, knocks on the door.

ASH (Calling)
Hello? (looks to camera) may as well take a look at next weeks script...

ASH opens the door, and stops. The reason for his shock is apparent when the camera focuses on NICHOLAS BRENDON, tied to a wooden frame, decked out in a clown outfit, complete with make-up. ALYSON HANNIGAN is walking around him, wearing an outfit that consists solely of two strategically placed leather straps, and holding a nasty looking leather whip.

ALYSON (Softly)
Kiss the whip, bitch.

ASH slams the door shut, and smiles unconvincingly at the camera.

ASH
Evil twin script coming up. They're ... getting into character. Method acting. Not enough young actors take the time ... and effort ...

A loud WHIPLASH reverberates, making ASH wince.

NICHOLAS (OS)
One! Thank you!

ASH gives up the pretence

ASH
I don't know what everyone's got against (indicates door behind him) Made English public schools what they are today...

VOICE (OS)
Hey, Tony!

ASH looks up, to see DAVID BOREANAZ heading towards him. ASH gives that sort of smile which tries to conceal sinking horror but fails miserably.

ASH (To camera)
This is the star of the hit spin off, Angel! How are you David?

DAVID
Great, great! Oh, by the way, I got these messages for you at reception?

ASH
Thanks, I'll look at them...

Oblivious, DAVID reads them out loud anyway

DAVID
One's from your doctor, it says 'If you value your reproductive organs you'll come in immediately....'

ASH tries to walk away from DAVID, but DAVID starts following.

ASH (To camera)
Just a running gag...funny sense of humour, doctors ...

They pass by the set of an office, with desk, filing cabinets, etc.

DAVID
The other says something about your offshore accounts...?

ASH (hurriedly)
Just put them in that drawer here, would you?

DAVID reaches for the desk , and places the messages in the draw. ASH suddenly reaches to the draw, and slams it hard on DAVID's fingers, DAVID is stuck there, screaming as ASH continues walking on.

DAVID (OS)
My hand, my beautiful hand!

ASH
Let's see if we can talk to Joss again.

CUT IN FOOTAGE

ASH opens the door to JOSS' office, to see JOSS circling a seated figure; a bound and gagged AARON SORKIN, and is enthusiastically sharpening a Butcher's cleaver.

JOSS
Tony! What do you think would go better with brain, white or red?

ASH (His bowels are now crawling around his ankles)
Errccckk...

JOSS
White it is! You want some...?

ASH
Er ... sorry ... cholesterol ...

JOSS
Tough break. I'll save you some for later.

JOSS picks up an electrical CIRCULAR SAW and starts to experimentally REV it while ASH slams the door shut, looking at the camera with a frantic expression

ASH
Stars, that's what you want to see! We'll see if we can find the hot, young actress who's made the role her own ...

Suddenly SMG walks around the corner, shouting into a cell phone, oblivious to the world around her. She is holding one of the new Buffy action figures.

SMG (Aggressive)
Listen to me, Mr. Moore, this action figure is pathetic! Did that flat little bitch Alyson tell you to leave out a whole cup size? I'VE GOT A 15 TO 65 MALE DEMOGRAPHIC TO MAINTAIN HERE!

Smashes the phone repeatedly against a nearby table, then looks at the mangled electronics.

SMG (Shouting to anyone in earshot)
Get me a new phone!

As SMG walks off shot, ASH cradles his head in his hand in defeat.

ASH (muffled)
Go to commercials. Please.

END OF TAPE

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