StarsOfYaoi: you might be wondering, why did I start a crack drabble series? Well, because I felt that a serious story wouldn't fit with Akatsuki!Naruto. At least not like this. It's a different view of this organization –a group of silly, stupid people. Not really enemies or just bad guys.
Much like those random pics you might find on Japanese websites, which only portray the humorous side of Akatsuki? Well, consider this a written version of those pics.
So please enjoy and remember –no actual timeline, strong OOCism, yaoi… and no particular order with the drabbles either.
Next update: Whenever I feel like it.
Rating: usually, PG–13…
Summary: (ItaNaru) Collection of short drabbles with weird!Akatsuki, and Akatsuki!Naruto. Will have also SasoDeida, KakuHida and maybe ZetsuTobi (for fun).
Warnings: yaoi, boy x boy relationship, OOC warning as well.
Disclaimer: Not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does.
–Flashbacks, memories, dreams–
Drabble 01: Pets
"I want a pet," Naruto pouted one day.
Itachi blinked; then, as a second thought, he blinked again.
The Uchiha had been reading a book, glasses nested on his nose (courtesy of Naruto, who wanted to prevent him from going blind with time), dark orbs focused on what he was reading and for once enjoying his free time between missions, when Naruto had appeared in their shared room.
He had been pouting. Itachi had looked up at him, confused, but… well, that had been really unexpected.
… no, not really. Itachi knew it would happen. Again.
"What?" he asked, giving the blond his undivided attention.
Naruto shifted uncomfortable inside his black robe, his fingers tracing the pattern of the clouds on his outfit and focusing his attention anywhere but at his lover.
"I want a pet," he repeated, sulking, drawling out his tone a bit.
Itachi sighed, and Naruto finally looked up, blue eyes meeting black ones.
"What for? What happened to the hamster you took in last… week?" Itachi inquired, though he was afraid he already knew.
Naruto grimaced and sniffled, biting on his lower lip and looking by all means like a kicked puppy, and finally mumbled something under his breath.
Itachi didn't quite understand, so he sighed deeply again, placed the book down on the sofa and brushed one hand through his silky hair, inwardly satisfied at how soft they felt –buying that special lotion from the black market of the Hyuuga had been a genial move.
"Can you repeat what you just said, Naruto–kun?"
"I said… Zetsu ate it –again!" Naruto's ocean blue eyes filled with unshed tears, and his kicked puppy look became ten times more effective. "T–tell him to stop! It's the fifth animal of mine that he eats! Itachi–rin!" his lower lip started to tremble, bringing his puppy–look to perfection.
Itachi –seasoned shinobi, who didn't cringe when he plunged a kunai into someone's neck and twisted– couldn't win against that look. He never could.
Sweatdropping, he lifted one hand to massage his forehead as he tried to stall the situation enough to gather his bearings again. That was sad yet true –no animal was truly safe when Zetsu was around, especially not rodents… or birds.
Itachi could easily remember each one of them… all the various pets Naruto had brought home, intentioned in keeping them –saying something about how all boys have to own at least one pet in their life, and if it's not a dog then anything goes.
His first had been a fish. Itachi didn't know where he had found it, but coming back from a scouting mission on the borders of Kaze no Kuni, stepping into his bedroom he had been greeted by the sight of a huge fishbowl with a small, happy goldfish swimming in it.
And a proud looking Naruto smiling down at it, completely satisfied.
He had never asked where the fish had come from, but for the first week he had simply watched with amusement as Naruto entertained himself with the little thing dancing away in the bowl, feeding it and cooing at it.
Yes, maybe the fish –which had been called Ri, who knew why– hadn't been eaten by Zetsu (Kisame was the one with the severe soft spot for fishes, after all), but he had been rather close to getting it, and only Kisame losing his inner battle had beaten Zetsu to it.
Naruto had cried over his little fish friend for a week, causing Itachi to get itchy and nervous –Naruto had refused any kind of intimate comfort– and of course an annoyed Itachi meant someone had to suffer.
In this case, obviously it had been Kisame who had to suffer through an entire week of Itachi's bad mood.
That had lasted until Deidara had appeared on the eight day with a small bird; not one of his clay-made birds either –a real one.
It was brown, a dark shade of brown, and had a long, red tail. Naruto named it Pete. Itachi fought against the urge to ask him the reason for that name. He succeeded, much to his own chagrin.
The blond demon vessel had been happy again, and in turn, Itachi had been happy as well –not because for some animal he cared nothing about. No, it was because he had a full night of… celebration… with his blond.
After that, once again cheerful (or as much cheerful as he could show to people without having to kill them afterwards), Itachi made a vow with himself –to kill whoever made the blond sad like that.
He couldn't go through withdrawal for that long without serious repercussions on his sanity and on his health, after all.
Sadly enough, the small bird's life hadn't been long at all.
The moment the giant half-plant, half-shinobi came home from his mission, little Pete saw his freedom vanish, together with its life, into Zetsu's giant flytrap mouth.
After Pete, three more animals passed through Naruto's hands, and every single time the blond was careful to keep the little furry thing in his room, tucked away from any kind of danger.
Unfortunately for his little ferret, his rabbit and his hamster, they all quickly followed the nasty, unpleasant path of their predecessor –down Zetsu's digestive system.
No one really knew how the man did it, but the fact was, he had managed to get through all the complicated, deathly traps Naruto and Itachi (and Kisame, who still had to bear the brunt of Itachi's bad mood with every killed pet) had placed around the room, and then it was, once again, bye–bye pet.
Despite the unhappy death of his animals, Naruto's determination had never wavered as he took home another hamster, a poor little thing no bigger than an egg, of a white, snowy shade which he called Hina.
And now that one was gone as well after resisting a full glorious two days.
"Naruto–kun, can't you see the vicious circle you're trapped into?" Itachi sighed at the confused and utterly clueless face his little blond lover had, and fought the urge to slap his own face in frustration. "You take in some pet. Zetsu eats it. You get sad," 'I don't get to ravage you,' "you bring another pet in here. Zetsu eats it again. See what I mean?"
Naruto sniffled again, tears pooling even more into his eyes, threatening to fall…
Itachi's eyes widened, his glasses sliding down his nose; he didn't want Naruto to cry –he couldn't stand the sight!
"B–but I really want a pet to keep with me! I always wanted one, ever since I was little!" the blond mumbled, glancing to the side, almost defeated. "Other kids had puppies, cats, anything they were given by their families, but I…"
He stopped –there was no point in saying he hadn't had a family that could give him a pet. He wasn't the only one with a bad past, of course… Itachi, too, didn't have a nice childhood.
With that thought, Naruto looked up again and wiped his tears away, forcing out a small smile. "It's ok, I understand it was just a stupid obsession I had… sorry, I won't bother you with it again…"
Itachi felt the familiar pang of guilt nest itself into his chest. He had taken Naruto away from Konoha to give him a different kind of happiness, and the last thing he wanted was for him to remember what he had left behind.
Standing up and walking to his young lover, Itachi kneeled in front of him, gently brushing one finger on Naruto's cheek and placing a soft kiss on his lips, action that caused Naruto to blush as he placed one hand on the older shinobi's chest.
"It's not a stupid obsession, Naruto–kun, I understand," he stated, feeling mushy and trying to ignore it. "But you don't want more of your pets to end up in Zetsu's stomach, right? That would be kind of cruel…"
Naruto's lips twitched downwards, but he had to nod at Itachi's words.
"Besides, you can't blame Zetsu. He has a giant flytrap planted around his head, and it's just… it's like Kyuubi, in a way. A mindless predator with the instincts of an animal," Itachi ruffled Naruto's hair, but stopped as he felt the blond teen tense in his arms.
Moving away from him, he noticed a weird glint into those blue eyes.
"I… I have to go," much to his surprise, Naruto was actually smiling broadly at him as he darted away, tripping over his coat twice as he left the room.
Itachi blinked, but he was too used with Naruto being… well, Naruto to care much about it.
It meant he wouldn't have to deal with a week of sexual deprivation. Nice.
He sat on the sofa and started reading again.
"Itachi–san," Kisame greeted, flopping down on the chair and staring at the Uchiha, who didn't even look up at him.
He had been trying to manage at least one full page of his book without someone interrupting him, but he was clearly failing. Hard.
"Hn?" he grunted. His glasses slid down a bit, and he pushed them back up.
Kisame brushed one hand through his hair. "Naruto–kun brought home some birds today," he stated after a long pause in which Itachi's mind started to wander again. "Zetsu is home, too".
Itachi frowned. He had thought Naruto had abandoned the idea of having a pet after their speech.
Maybe he'd have to go check what was going on. Sigh.
Standing up and placing down his book on the sofa, wondering if Karma was so against him resting, and made his way through the various corridors of the Akatsuki's hideout, searching for one elusive blond teen.
What he saw when he reached the so–called living room left him astonished.
There it was, his Naruto with a blue bird in one hand, staring expectantly at Zetsu, who had a strange expression on the parts of his face that were visible. Naruto was actually smiling, and the plant–shinobi was kneeling in front of him.
Then, shocking Itachi even more, Naruto lifted his hand and let the bird fall into Zetsu's open claws. The trap closed around the poor animal, and chewing sounds could be heard, followed by a satisfied growl from the plant–shinobi.
Itachi blinked. What…
Naruto gently patted Zetsu's head. "Good boy," he stated proudly.
Zetsu purred. Seriously, he purred.
Itachi probably made some sort of sound at that, because Naruto turned around and noticed him standing there, and seconds later the Uchiha had a blond teen into his arms, laughter filling the air around them.
"You know, Itachi–rin, you were right! Zetsu is the best pet I could ever get!"
The black haired shinobi stared down at him in shock. "He… is?" was the only thing he could stutter.
Naruto nodded fervently. "He won't escape, he's rather obedient and doesn't need training, and he's not even hard to feed, either," he added as an afterthought, tone and expression completely serious. "Besides, I will never have to fear for his health," with that, he clapped his hands together and laughed again.
Itachi had to fight the strong urge to bang his head on the wall.
And with that, another day at the Akatsuki's hideout went by.
StarsOfYaoi: please, comment on this demented thing :P