Disclaimer-I don't own the TT

What I Want

Story By StormDancer

It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.

They walk into the common room, her laughing and him simply smiling, but both glowing in the light of their love. I watch them from underneath my cloak, hoping to absorb some of that joy and life secondhand. They sit on the couch, holding hands. She puts her head gently on his shoulder, and he places a arm around her shoulders, holding her tight.

Something happened to her, I can tell. Something sad. Her sadness is rolling off of her in waves, though only I can sense it. But it doesn't matter, because she has Robin to comfort her. I have no one. When I am sad, I have no shoulder to lean on. But still I watch, despite the pain of jealousy, nearly begging them to project some love I can absorb, something for my cold but starving heart.

He leans down and kisses her softly on the forehead, murmuring words of comfort I can't hear. That is all I can stand. If I don't move quickly, I will hurt someone. As it is, I am only hurting myself. I stand and walk nonchalantly out of the room, ignoring Beast Boy's quizzical look. As soon as the door closes behind me, I abandon all facades of coldness and run, tear blinded, to the roof, my sanctuary. We all have our own places. Cyborg's is in the garage, Robin's the computer room. Beast Boy's is the park, and Star's is the other side of the roof. Form her side, you can see the twinkling lights f the city. From mine, all one can see is the ocean and stars for miles on end.

I love my spot, though. It reminds me how small I am, and that in the big scheme of things, I don't matter. To some that might be frightening, but to me, it is comforting. It makes me realize how petty my hates and fears and wants are, and so it calms me. I sit on the edge of the roof, my cape fluttering behind me.

"You love him, don't you?" a voice asks from behind me. Beast Boy settles down on the roof beside me, his legs dangling over the side.

"What?" I ask in confusion, "Who?"

Beast Boy rolls his eyes.

"Robin, of course. I'm not that unobservant."

"Obviously you are," I retort, "Because I don't."

"Than why are you always watching him? Why are you always staring at him and Star? Why did you run out as soon as he kissed her forehead?"

"I don't!" I exclaim defensively, but what really surprised me is the pain beneath his words, "I didn't!"

"Raven," he sighs resignedly, "You're a really bad liar sometimes."

"Than how come you can't tell I'm not lying when I say I don't love Robin!" I scream. A hear an explosion in the background, but I ignore it.

"Was that a double negative?" he asked plaintively, neatly avoiding the question, "Because I'm not good at working those out."

I roll my eyes.

"Can you ever be serious?" I complain.

"Yes," he responds, and his face hardens. It's unnatural, his face so serious and grim.

"Look, if you really do love Rob, it's not good to deny it. And," he continues as I pen my mouth to protest, "don't bother saying you don't. I can see you always looking at him and Starfire, and I don't think you would fall for Starfire. If you admit it, it'll be better for everyone."

Again, there was that hidden anguish beneath his words, and sorrow was rolling off of him in waves, but I couldn't tell for what. I could tell, though, he wasn't going to give this up unless I told him the real reason I always watch.

"Sometimes, I can't help but hate her. All other times, I love her to death to make up for it, but there's always that smoldering jealousy. Because she ahs everything I could ever want but will never have. She is colour, I am gray. She is hope, and I am despair. She is light and I am dark. She is love, and I am hate.

"She has the colour all around her. Red hair to my gray-violet, orange skin to my gray, and green magic to my black. Her room is pink, and mine is black and dark. Her eyes are green, mine are pitch-black. She has the vibrancy and light of all the team. She is constantly optimistic, and looks for the best in everyone. I always look on the bad side, and am the most suspicious on the team. She lives in colour and life, recklessly giving away trust, just as quickly having her heart broken. Not me. I never trust anyone, and the once I have had my heart broken; only you came to comfort me. And you did not come to comfort me, just happened to be there. But her colour, or hope, or lightness is not what I envy most about Starfire.

"She has Robin. That is what I hate her for the most. I do not want Robin for myself, don't get me wrong, but I want what they have. I want someone's eyes to light up as I walk into the room, and follow my every step. I want someone to protect me, even though I would hate it at the time. I want someone to love me when I am hideous, someone to comfort and hold me. I want what Starfire has. I want love."

Throughout my speech, Beast Boy has been staring at me incredulously, the sorrow I've been sensing changing into something almost like joy, or hope.

"You mean, you really don't love Robin?" he asks tentatively.

"Are you kidding?" I respond, almost laughing at the absurdity, "we would kill each other within a week. I don't think he would take as well as you to being thrown out a window."

To my surprise, Beast Boy didn't laugh. Instead, he turned to me with a face full of an emotion I couldn't name.

"You're right, he wouldn't," Beast Boy tells me softly, gently pushing a stray hair out of my face, "Because he couldn't love you as much as I do."

I freeze. Did Beast Boy just say what I thought I heard? I wish it were true, I wish it so much.

At my lack of response, his face fills with a pain I have felt only once, when Malchior betrayed me. And I have seen it on him only once, when Terra betrayed him.

"Gods, Raven, what are you trying to do to me?" he yells, "You say you watch everything. Then why haven't you seen me always watching you? I wouldn't keep trying to make just anyone laugh! I heard you laugh once, and it was so beautiful I needed to hear it again. That's why I've been trying so hard. Did you really think I just happened to be there when you were heart broken? I had been waiting to apologize for days! And then you hugged me, and I thought I saw some hope for me. But no, it was a one time only deal. And now, you complain about how no one watches you, how no one ever loves you! Well I do, Rae! Do you know how long I've been waiting to say that? And now I did, and you completely reject me. I thought you wanted love, Rae. I thought you might want me."

The pain in his voice wasn't right. Beast Boy shouldn't be sad. He needs to be happy, because he's the only one who can cheer me up.

"Beast Boy," I say softly, but he turns away.

"No. I'm not going to hold out false hope any longer. Go back to your dreams of love without me, and I'll get over it eventually."

It was that which broke the barrier around my heart. Empathy is useful; I could feel the despair and sincerity in his words. As he turned to leave, I pulled hi down next to me.

"But what would those dreams be without you?" I murmur as I lean in and kiss him. There is a moment of stunned incomprehension on his part, and I begin to pull away, but then he begins to kiss me back hungrily, and I respond in kind. When the kiss stops by mutual lack of breath, he pulls away.

"Thank you, Rae. That was enough. I'll leave now."

I roll my eyes in exasperation as I don't relinquish my hold on his hand. This boy could be so thick sometimes!

"You don't get it, do you?" I ask.

"Get what?" he responds, "Is this just another way to toy with me? I didn't think you were that cruel, Rae."

"It isn't," I assure him, "By any gods in the realms, it isn't."

"Than what are you doing?" he pleads, 'I don't think I could take another heart break, Raven."

"Well," I breathe softly into his ear, "Don't break my heart, and I won't yours."

I can see him processing what I just said. Then, in a moment of comprehension, he stared straight into my eyes.

"Do you really mean that?" he asks, astonished.

"Yes," I tell him forcefully, begging him to believe me. I wasn't about to give up my only chance at love and happiness for a simple misunderstanding.

His eyes light up with a joy that transcended happiness. He pulls me into another kiss, even less chaste then the first. I press my body against his, reveling in the feeling of both our love.

"Damn, I love you," he mutters hoarsely as we separate.

"Ha!" a yell comes from behind me, "Robin, you owe me twenty bucks!"

"Cyborg," Robin hisses, "Shut up!"

We turn. Our other three teammates are watching. As Starfire notices we have seen them, she runs up to me and gives me a huge hug.

"I am so happy for you Friend Raven!" she gushes, "Now we ca to the twice dates and go to the malls of shopping for clothes and…"

She trails off after noticing me glaring at the tow other boys, who were surreptitiously exchanging money.

"You won't hurt them too much, right?" she asked, "I would prefer my boyfriend in one piece."

"Don't worry," I grin, "I won't hurt him too badly."

She smiles, reassured, and lets me go.

"Dibs on Robin!" I call to Beast Boy, who immediately charges for Cyborg. Robin stares into my eyes, and pales beneath his mask.

"um, you know, can't we talk about this?" he begs nervously. I smirk.

"You knew you had this coming," Starfire asserts from the sidelines as Robin dodges items thrown at him.

"Who's side are you on?" he protests.

"Yours," she replies sweetly as she kisses him, bound as he is with my magic to the side of the tower. She flies back up to stand beside me on the roof above him.

"You do not hate me anymore, then?" she asks plaintively.

"You heard that?" I respond guiltily.

"Yes, but I suppose you had reason to. I did not mean to flaunt him. I am just so happy."

"I know, Star, I know," I tell her as Beast Boy comes up beside me and puts an arm around my shoulder, Cyborg neatly tied up beside Robin, "I don't have any reason to hate you anymore."