SunnyDale's Haven for Addicts and other persons with issues
(Author's Note: I've decided to take a quick break from my usual story to take in a little humor genre. May the madness begin in earnest.)
Chapter 1: Orientation
A lone bloodelf in a lab coat steps up to a podium. He looks down upon the small audience that is chattering among themselves. He adjusts his gold rimmed glasses and flicks back his long, well conditioned blonde hair.
"Alright now, let's settle down! Ahem…Welcome to SunnyDale's Haven for Addicts and other persons with issues, my name is Kael--I mean Dr. SunnyDale. I am the founder of this institution and head doctor. Now I know what you're first question must be…"
A hand shoots up from the audience. Dr. SunnyDale, although irritated that someone interrupted him, takes the question.
"Sir, you awfully look like a certain bloodelf prince named 'Kaelthas'. And as I have last heard he has been on the lamb and his been hunted by authorities since. He had a 'magic addiction' and you really do look an awful like him from this pamphlet I was handed by the local authorities." Said the reporter with the pamphlet.
The pamphlet reads: "Pyromaniac, Magic Junkie Elf Prince on the Loose! May have floating, green fire orbs rotating around head. Be on the look out!"
"Ahem…I see. Well I will answer that question! But first my good man, I think you have to attend to that fire that's been set on your foot."
"What fir--OW! OWW! HOT! FIRE! HELP! HELP!" The reporter screamed as one of his legs suddenly (by some unknown force) combusted into flames.
"Now are there are any more questions that need to be addressed before I proceed?" Dr. SunnyDale said with a smile.
The crowd uniformly shook their heads as the reporter is cringing in flames.
"Good then I bet your next question would have been, 'What is the SunnyDale's institution's purpose'? The institution was founded to help those who suffer from various addictions. Our vision statement is 'We serve those who don't know when to stop, should stop, and stop immediately before they are beaten, killed, or mutilated in various fashions'. We at SunnyDale's believe it our responsibility and duty to help those who can not help themselves."
Dr. SunnyDale took out a well drawn line graph to display the progress of the institution.
"As you can see from our chart, we have only been in business for a good two months and already we have significant results. We have totally reformed a remarkable amount of patients!"
"How many patients have you 'reformed', doctor?" One of the reporters asked.
"Two and a half."
"Two and…a half?" The reporter cringed.
"Yes…well we had an unfortunate accident upon discharge of that one patient. This involved Goblin dynamites, mind-altering drugs, and the fact that we have a fat, lazy Pandaren as our only orderly."
The reporters turned to a corner of the room to see a big Pandaren in scrubs, sleeping on a small chair. The Pandaren woke up for a moment.
"Yo!" the Pandaren motioned his paw as a salutation and then went back to sleep.
"Yes…but overall I think that one was a huge success. Why don't we all take a trip down to one of the sessions in progress! This way and if you happen to hear random screaming from one of the other rooms, do not be frightened. We're in the process of testing our Giant Spider Bite therapy."
The crowd tentatively followed Dr. SunnyDale as they stepped over the burnt corpse of one of their fallen reporters.
They walk through a long corridor and as promised heard various screams along the way. Some of the screams were cut abruptly short by chainsaw sounds or a gnashing sound of teeth.
They finally reach a room where a Nightelf with a clipboard and a notebook had a circle of patients in chairs and chains.
"Now here you see, Diana. She is one of our most valuable staffers in the institution. As you can see she has very big…assets to offer the institution. And nice set of…credentials! Yes, she has a very nice, supple set of credentials. Right."
"Are you alluding to her boobs, sir?" One reporter pointed out.
"Boobs? What the devil are you talking about? I wasn't alluding to…Shut up! We will now observe the session in progress."
Diana sat up from her chair and presented herself to the session members.
"Hello! My name is Diana Moonstag and I will be your session therapist! Before this I was a Sentinel back in Kalimdor. I previously enjoyed slaughtering demons and anyone who defiled my homeland but decided I wanted a career change. I would like to welcome you all to your first session! Why don't we all go around the room and introduce yourselves? How about you first?" Diana pointed to one of the patients.
A ragged looking dwarf with bags under his eyes stood from his chair slowly.
"Hiya hic my names Paul hic and I'm a hic alcoholic. I may not hic look it but hic I have a drinking probrom. And I hope hic to get better hic so I can start hic drinking hic the good ale of life! Ughh…" The dwarf said as he collapsed on the floor.
"Hi Paul…" the classroom responded in a dead tone.
"Alright how about you next?" Diana said cheerfully.
A handsome rogue scratched his mug a few times before he got up.
"Alright beautiful, my real name ain't really important but you can all call me Steve."
"Hi Steve…" the classroom responded.
"To tell you the truth I ain't got a problem. Unless you call being in love a crime. I just love women and women love me."
Diana rolled her eyes and checked her notebook.
"Well you wouldn't be here…'Steve' if you hadn't gone around the country doing naughty bad things to other people's daughters repeatedly and in public. That is why you're in here. And stop staring at my breasts."
"That's kinda hard to do ma'am."
The rest of the circle nods.
"Well then we'll be implementing 'Stabbing your eyes out slowly' therapy on you next week. It seems that you're still in denial about your problem."
"Whoa! Okay maybe I was bluffing about women always loving me. I sometimes get a little love potion in dire situations. By the way, thanks Zul'Min, couldn't have nailed that nurse without you!"
"Ja' mon!" One of the trolls in the circle responded.
"You wait your turn, Zul'Min! We've got a lot to cover on your cannibalism issues last Thursday! Jurias still has those teeth marks on his leg the last time you chewed him."
"Na'mon…Jurias is quillboar! I dot' it was pork chop night, mon!"
"Do we need to take away your shrunken head collection head again? Do we now?"
"Na'mon…Zul'Min be chillin on dis side. No mess with boss lady."
"Alright then! Steve do you have anything else to say?"
"You know under different circumstances this would have been a more pleasant conversation. You know Diana; I'm a magic man with magic hands."
"Hey that's my line!" Cried a bloodelf spell breaker.
"Oh go suck on some demon's magic orbs, Makion! I'm surprised you haven't suffered through withdrawal symptoms yet after 3 minutes into the therapy sessions."
"Withdrawal! What's that! I don't know what withdrawal is! Oh I could really go for some magic right now…Anyone got some! Hey got a vial of magic wellspring water on you? Huh! What! What's that little squeaky voice speaking inside my head! MAGIC, MAGIC, MAGIC!"
Makion breaks out in a cold sweat and continues to mutter to himself. Diana sighs and scribbles on her clipboard.
"Alright…Well we can skip you, Makion. How about you next?" Diana points at an Undead Forsaken man.
"Well I must say I'm a bit confused." The Undead Forsaken spoke with a decadent accent.
"Well introduce yourself to the group before we get to the problem."
"My name is Bael Clothesbringer. My profession is to deliver folded clothes and sometimes pass out towels at a small community river pool. Unfortunately now I think…I'm dead."
"No you're not, Bael. You're undead, neither living nor dead."
"You see that is where I am in conflict. How can I be alive when I am technically dead? It's a major contradiction of the two. Can I still be alive while dead? Or can I be dead while alive? I'm completely baffled."
"You're undead, Bael. We've been through this. You're neither dead nor alive. You're just an undead. You have to start living with that."
"But I'm not living with it. I'm dead."
Diana clears her throat.
"H3y B055 4dy! Wh3n d0 1 637 my 5u64r!" A young human boy cried out.
"What manner of magic do you speak! Huh? Huh? You got magic on you kid? Huh? Huh!" Makion inquired.
"C4m d0wn, 70mmy." Diana replied to the boy.
"Oh by the fathers of magic, I'm freaking out! The therapist is speaking in some ancient demon tongue!"
"No Tommy here has a special addiction. It is found in a world outside ours. He's just misunderstood in both."
"1 1573n 70 7h3 ch1ck w17h 7h3 b00b5 b3c4u53 5h3 h45 5u64r." Tommy replied.
"Right…well let's get more introductions. How about you?" Diana pointed to an armless knight in full armor.
"Do you mind lifting your helm?" Diana asked.
"Sorry no arms as you can see."
"Yes, well I guess you have to carry on then."
"My name is Sir Thadius the Third!"
"Hi Thadius…" The crowd said dully.
"My doctors tell me I have a problem not knowing when to stop and feel pain during battle. But I always tell them it's only a flesh wound! Really! It is! And they say I'm a glutton for punishment! So what if a little blood squirts out here and there."
"Uh…dude you're bleeding on me." Steve said as he was distancing himself from the blood squirting.
"Is it not nobler for the warrior to fight on despite the harrowing wounds that he has been inflicted with?"
"With what? Are you going to charge up to them and kick their shins?" Steve scoffed.
Thadius gave a royal shin-kicking to Steve. Steve grabbed his leg in pain and rolled out of his chair. Diana just sighed and continued to scribble on her clipboard.
"This is what you call 'rehabilitation', doctor?" One of the reporters asked.
"Ahem…let's move on shall we? Oh and mind the huge fireball about to come at you." Dr. SunnyDale said as he moved down the hall.
"What huge fire--AAAAHHHH! IT BURNS LIKE SO MANY LISTERINE POCKET PACKS! AIEEEEE!"
The remaining pack of reporters continued to follow the doctor down the long corridor again. Along the way they heard many disturbing sounds coming from the different rooms.
"Guns don't kill people…I DOOOO! HA HA HA!"
A multitude of gunshots was heard afterwards.
"How did that get in there? Whoa! That wasn't supposed to happen."
A collage of squishy sounds was heard afterwards.
"It's a bird! It's a plane! It's ME! Yee Haa! I believe I can fly!"
A sickening thud was heard afterwards.
"We have arrived! This ward specializes in patients who are dealing with certain physical deformities that they have yet to overcome mentally lets walk in on one of the confidential doctor-patient sessions shall we?" Dr. SunnyDale opened one of the doors of the many rooms.
A raven haired human doctor was speaking with one of his patients.
"We can't really get to the root of the problem until you tell me what's been bothering you."
"Baa." cried his patient as he was chewing on some grass that was conveniently provided.
"You can evade the issue all you like. But you can't start to heal until you accept who you really are."
"Just repeat after me: I am a respectable sheep."
"Sigh…does this have something to do with your childhood? Or does it relate closer to a problem with your sex life?"
"Ba--Son of a…I'm a damn sheep for crying out loud! I've been turned into a sheep! Why don't you people do something about it?"
"But we are! Don't you see? You've accepted who you are now! We're making progress. That'll do sheep, that'll do."
"You see here at SunnyDale's we do not only treat those with addictions but also those who suffer from certain psychological and emotional issues. Let's take this couple's sessions as in example"
Dr. SunnyDale moves over to another room with an orc in a lab coat with two of his patients. A spiritual banshee and a high elf were seated aside from each other.
"So you're telling me he doesn't treat you in the same way in your relationship anymore?" The orc therapist asked.
"Yes! Boo hoo….He doesn't even touch me anymore!" The banshee cried.
"How the hell am I supposed to do that! She's a spiritual entity! I couldn't if I tried!"
"See? He admits it too! Boo hoo…"
"Zug Zug…"the orc therapist concurred.
"You liked it better when I was younger and still alive with a flesh body, didn't you!" The banshee cried out against the high elf.
"Well it helped…"
The banshee let out a louder cry. The orc and the high elf shielded their ears until the cries past. The orc therapist wrote down his observations.
"Do you believe there is a problem in the relationship?" The orc therapist asked the high elf.
"Well she used to just nag about her problems. Now its scream of death here and a yell out of hell there! I have big enough ears to hear you just fine!"
"But do you ever listen? Do you!"
The high elf just waved her off and the banshee continued to wail. The orc continued to nod and zug zug through the conversation.
"We here at SunnyDale also have a more famous and infamous clientele treated within the institution. I believe one of our 10 o'clock appointments are here. Let's observe from afar shall we?"
Dr. SunnyDale led the group of reporters into one of the other psychiatric wards.
"Now how did you feel after you were left all alone in this world?" A gnome doctor asked his orc patient.
The orc war chief Thrall sighed and reminisced.
"Well it wasn't an easy childhood. I was raised as a slave to a cruel interment camp master. Pitted into gladiator matches when I was old enough. Had to fight to survive and then escape. Then I had to go through the whole ordeal to find myself. I was an orc and was destined to free my people from the internment camps and the demonic blood curse. Talk about a lot of pressure."
"Hmm…I see." The gnome doctor nodded.
"Anyway then there was the dude that turned to a raven with his mystic mumbo jumbo. I had no idea what compelled me to trust that guy in the first place. I think it was those mushrooms that grew on the side of my door that I ate that night that did it. Otherwise I wouldn't go half way across the world going into a place that I didn't even know existed. But it was great smoking the peace pipe with Cairne back in those times. Well until all the centaurs, night elves, and demons started to attack us out of nowhere. You should have seen the last battle. It was all for a tree! Now I know those night elves love nature and all but it was just a tree! My wolf hound goes to mark his territory on trees but we're all risking our lives for the damn thing! I tell you those night elves got no eye for magical real estate."
"How did you feel afterwards?"
"Well I went on to start my own city. Only to have it ransacked by a bunch of angry sailors under some old prick with a vendetta. What did I do to him? Sure my people ransacked, killed, and destroyed his homeland once but we only did it because the demons told us to."
"So how did you resolve that issue?"
"I had him killed and ransacked the human's island capital."
"Ahh…I see. So are there any other issues you had deal with?"
"Well after the whole 'I hate you-you hate me' thing went on. I had some rotting undead guy come up to me with a letter. The letter said that this Undead faction wanted to join us. That letter blew my mind! I mean everyone's been fighting these guys and now those guys are going at each other. They wanted membership in my club. I couldn't trust these guys but I had to let them in…"
"Why was this?"
"Well you see there's this guy in the Earthen Ring that has a recording orb."
"A recording orb?"
"Yeah it's a magical orb that records stuff. Anyway he has some dirt on me after he recorded what I did at Voljin's last 'Island Bash' party. I should have stayed away from that murloc eye punch. I knew they spiked it with something but I drank it anyway. You would think that I could've at least guessed what was going to come! I'm a damn far seer! I'm supposed to have the FYI on these things! Ugh…I'm so embarrassed."
"And did you--"
"It was not only the Forsaken but those Blood Elves too! We've been at war for ages and only now they want peace? They walk in reeking of demon magic and I suddenly have to be the gracious one. So I let them in too!"
"Why did you let them in?"
"Cairne's son has a thing for this one blood elf girl. I have to deal with them until he gets over it. I tell you his son only had to go through puberty now! Now of all times! Kids now days don't know the stresses of politics. It's enough to drive an orc to drink!"
"Well how about we send you home with the usual dosage of mind-altering drugs and you'll be on your way."
Dr. SunnyDale quickly closed the door and smiled proudly at the crowd.
"As you can see the SunnyDale institution is a well staffed and proper rehabilitation center for all regions of the world. We project that in the future there will be more well adjusted humanoid and bestial like beings in our society."
The fire alarm suddenly went off and the sprinklers were automatically turned on.
"Paging Dr. SunnyDale…Paging Dr. SunnyDale…the goblins got into the dynamite stash again. Please report to what is left of your office immediately." The magical PA system sounded.
"Well this concludes our orientation. If you will excuse I have a multitude of people that I must soon burn in a horrible excruciatingly death. Thank you all for visiting my institution."