Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Warning: These are my version of snippets. Some of them contain yaoi. Mostly KakaIru If that isn't your thing. WTF are you doing reading my stuff? Get the hell outta here!

Sexual Education

In Konoha there was a fine line between teaching and torture. Indeed there was even a chart in the Hokage's office that stated exactly what crossed the line. Neji decided he needed a black marker so that he might add onto that list.

In this instance, he had to admit that he did respect Gai-sensei's boldness his unwavering support, and naturally his strength and fighting abilities. There was much he had learned and looked forward to learning from him.

However sex ed. was not one of those things. Tenten had fallen into a blank-eyed trance the moment the words 'enjoy the virility of your youth with responsibility!' had left their sensei's mouth. It was the exact same trance she'd developed in their crash course of physical torture survival training. He still wasn't sure what her mantra of 'be the ball' had to do with anything.

Neji blinked slowly suppressing a cringe. There was just something really creepy about Gai-sensei saying the word vagina.

Matter of fact, he put that down on his mental list of words that should NEVER be said by Gai-sensei. The previous four: vaginal discharge, penis, anal, and sex. Neji cast a covert glance to his green teammate. Lee had been uncommonly quiet…creepy quiet even. There was a frighteningly intense look on his face as he scribbled notes on a tiny pad.

"Gai-sensei?"

Neji suppressed a sigh.

"Yes Lee-kun!" Gai turned away from the portable dry eraser board he'd been drawing—something that might have been either an onion or a part of the female anatomy. Neji was going to stick with onion for the sake of his sanity.

ooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

Across the field in yet another clearing. Kurenai's team didn't have the benefit of torture survival training yet that was next week. What Kurenai-sensei did have was diagrams! Lots and LOTS of very detailed color-coded (with footnotes for better understanding of what the labeled area was responsible for. FOOTNOTES!) and labeled DIAGRAMS!

Kiba now knew seven forms of birth control, how to test himself for testicular cancer how often he was supposed to test for it as well. He knew how to check for breast cancer, prostate cancer, and even skin cancer! During her PowerPoint presentation of WHAT exactly a pap smear was, the how and why he'd cried. Not just cried, cried like Naruto after having the very last pack of ramen on earth. Cooked and eaten with him tied upside down inches beside the bowl with chopsticks in his hand.

Hinata had passed out cold and Shino was developing a twitch particularly whenever Kurenai said clitoris.

Which she was doing a lot!

"For many years scientist (men)believed that the primary pleasure source for women during sexual intercourse was the actual opening —it is in actuality the clitoris-"

twitch "The clitoris-"twitch

Kiba closed his eyes and dropped his forehead to his knees his dog had disappeared on him somewhere in the middle of her prostate exam slideshow and her lecture on the uterus—Kiba now knew more about the uterus than he ever wanted to know!

He vaguely wondered how Shikamaru's group was holding up. Asuma-sensei had kept them in the classroom…that could only mean one thing. MORE videos.

ooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

It was like watching Naruto and Sasuke fight. You knew it was going to be disappointing…but you couldn't take your eyes off of them anyway.

Asuma-sensei sat with his feet propped on Iruka-sensei's desk. Well out of sight of the video he had put on for them—an hour ago. Chouji had stopped eating five minutes into it. Ino had her hands over her ears and her eyes closed as tightly as possible. Shikamaru glared at their sensei. Asuma laced his fingers behind his head and blew smoke out of his nose. A deep chuckle rumbled out behind it.

His introduction to the film had been, "You all know what sex is. Or what you think sex is. This is the result of sex. Enjoy." The sadistic smile on his face as the dvd began sent chills down his spine.

Shikamaru cringed at a particularly piercing scream from the woman with her legs propped up and her husband holding her hand. "Get this damn thing out of me!"

"Keiko calm down this is hard on all of us—" the scarred man smiled gently patting his wife's back. The woman turned on him with a snarl.

"Fuck you Yashi! Hard on US? Oh so it was YOU puking your guts out for the first trimester? You with the back aches, false labor, headaches, sleepless nights, heartburn, cramps, going to the bathroom every five minutes because the fucking kid thinks my bladder is a GOT DAMN TRAMPOLINE?"

Yashi had been backing away from the angry woman steadily throughout the rant. Whoever had the camera turned it on the father-to-be curled in a corner of the room his arms wrapped around his knees in terror.

The cameraman quickly turned back to the woman. There was a med-nin in the place her husband had vacated pushing her gently back onto the table.

"It'll be over soon Keiko we promise." He assured her. A second med-nin went to stand on the woman's other side. "Just be thankful you didn't marry a Uchiha!"

The other med-nin laughed, "Oh yeah! Those Uchiha brats are all HEAD!"

That drew a wimper from Ino.

"Tell me about it—remember Itachi?"

"How could I forget! The screaming alone haunted me for months."

"It should be illegal for those giant headed mutants to marry anyone without wide hips. "

"Amen to that!"

Ino looked almost green…

"Don't worry Ino-chan. Sasuke-kun's birth is the next one." Asuma offered with a smile.

Ino whimpered again and closed her eyes.

"Ino-chan open your eyes you don't want to miss the actual birth do you?"

"I think it's coming!" the woman screamed, and sat bolt upright. Somewhere off camera the sound of apologetic sobbing was heard. "SHUT UP!"

Shikamaru blinked and watched as the child made their way into the world. Slimy and gray…Oh God.

Well…that was traumatizing. He decided he wanted to go hug his mother for a while.

ooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Kakashi looked at his students.

His students glared back at him.

He smiled.

They cringed.

He was three hours late.

They hadn't said a word about it.

He smiled brighter.

They looked very concerned.

This was going to be FUN!

"Yo!" he waved a dvd at them, "Let's get started then shall we?"

They gulped in unison.

Five minutes later the screaming began….

Ahhhh the sounds of suffering—er learning yeah that's it.

oooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

"Be the ball. Be the ball. Be the ball. Be.the.ball." Tenten was trying hard to get back into her trance. "Gai-sensei noooooooooo. Be the ball!"

Neji was shamelessly clutching her arm for support. Angst and coolness be DAMNED! For that matter damn Lee! He had to ask about breast-feeding didn't he? He just HAD to know how painful was it for women to breast-feed. After offering the information that his mother had breast-fed him for 2 years per their religions stipulations.

Tenten had popped out of her trance at that very unwillingly. Two years? You had TEETH when you where two years old! Even he could see the ouch in that one! Tenten's arms had gone protectively around her bosom.

Of course Gai-sensei didn't feel a simple answer of yes or no would properly scar them. He had then gone on to state information that he had found on the internet regarding breastfeeding as being a slight discomfort for mothers, and how worth it and necessary it was for a bond between mother and child to form.

He'd also gone into The Stone Country tradition of their ruling family. Virgin girls suckled the infants in the belief that their untainted body would provide the purest nutrition. He had then gone on to explain HOW a virgin could produce milk and also there had been cases of men being capable of producing milk for babies as well. As well as his intention to aid his future spouse to the best of his ability in the breastfeeding process. It was the manly thing to do after all.

THAT scarring mental image was the reason he was almost in Tenten's chanting lap. While Lee looked upon their gold glowing sensei with tearful admiration.

An image of a shirtless and tearful Gai-sensei pressing a green blanket covered infant to his chest, one hand raised in a thumbs up.(Good guy pose take 2!) "Drink DRINK the elixir of life young one! So you may one day enjoy the springtime of your youth!" A mini hand emerged from the blanket in a thumbs up.

It was just so WRONG! Neji caught himself before the sob could break through his wall of angst and anger.

"Be.the.ball…."

ooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo

At the end of the day. The rookie nine were gathered in Iruka's classroom. Waiting for the arrival of Gai and his team.

Naruto was quietly curled under a desk in the far back of the room. The sound of a head rhythmically hitting the inside of the desk could be heard. Sakura was sitting extremely wide-eyed and ramrod straight between a whimpering Hinata and Ino curled in as small a ball as the chair would allow. Mumbling something about Sasuke's head and Chouji's meat boulder technique. Both of them intensely NOT looking at Sasuke.

Which probably was for the best considering his current glazed expression.

Asuma arched a brow, and murmured out the side of his mouth to Kakashi. "Nice work? What'd you do to them?"

Kakashi's visible eye curved up in a smile. "Fannie does Fire Country parts one, two, and three. Rounded off with a little Icha Icha paradise. "

"You read Icha Icha to them?"

Kakashi tilted his head to the side. "No I had them take turns reading out loud."

"Ouch."

"At Ichiraku's."

"That's just cruel." Kurenai glared at them out of the corner of her eye.

Asuma and Kakashi let their eyes wander to a twitchy Shino and Kiba mumbling something about diagrams…then back to Kurenai.

Kurenai smiled innocently. "I'll take my winnings in large bills."

Kakashi smirked—at least they thought it was a smirk. "You haven't won yet. Take a closer look at Sakura. She cried all the way back over here. Naruto hasn't said a word in 20 minutes."

"Hinata fainted twice."

"She doesn't count." Asuma glanced towards the poor girl in question. Eyes closed and face beet red.

"Kiba cried for his mother, and Shino twitches every time you say a word that starts with c."

"Yeah right."

Kurenai hmphed, "I'll prove it. Shino!"

Shino lifted his head and regarded his sensei impassively. "I am going to need you to meet me at the training grounds a little early in the morning. Think about what you want me to cook " twitch " For breakfast. I am going to leave it in your capable twitch hands to get your teammates there as well are we clear ?twitch"

"Hai sensei." The boy said evenly.

Kurenai turned back to the other jounin with a gentle smile.

"I knew you were evil deeeeep down." Asuma grinned.

"What did you do to the brats?"

Asuma blew smoke out of the corner of his mouth, "Well remember that video Genma put together a few years back for Miko's baby shower? "

"The one that sent Ibiki running from the room, and made hardened jounin squirm?"

"That's the one."

"You didn't." Kurenai glanced up at a softly keening Ino.

"Did you also remember Sasuke's birth made the cut?"

Kurenai blinked, remember? She'd been trying to forget! The size of that HEAD! Good God! She'd squeezed her legs shut tighter around any Uchiha she passed for weeks afterward!

"And I'm evil?"

Asuma shrugged, "Most effective crush killer I've ever seen."

"Breaking Ino's Sasuke obsession…you just might win."

The elite jounin looked over their victim—er students with pride at a job well done. It was at this time that Gai and team arrived. Lee with his usual enthusiasm, Tenten looking only slightly dazed but no worse for wear. The left side of her top was a little damp, and there were bruises shaped like fingertips on her arm. Then Neji arms crossed and scowl in place marched in last.

"I apologize for the delay. My beloved students needed a moment to reign in their youthful excitement."

All three jounin arched a brow.

Lee stood up and clapped a hand on Neji's shoulder, a look of support and pride on his face. "Neji cried."

The boy in question twitched. Tenten gave his arm a little pat.

"Neji there is nothing to be ashamed of!" Gai boomed striking his nice guy pose. "Only the weak are afraid to cry! Those who are not confident in their strength as men would make another feel ashamed for doing so!" again with the nice guy pose.

Everyone pretended they didn't see Sasuke's death glare, or hear Ino's shriek of giant head! Don't looook at meeee!

Kakashi looked at Gai then back to a bright red Neji brushing off the caring hands of his teammates.

Gai made fate boy cry. "What did you do?" he asked quietly.

Gai turned back towards him suddenly ending his tirade on manliness and the healing properties of tears. "Ah my eternal rival. I was telling my students of the joys of breastfeeding-"

"Did you know Kakashi-sensei that men can produce milk!" Lee cut in brightly.

Neji let out a sound somewhere between a kunai in the nuts and the sound a man's soul might make before Enma dragged their sorry ass down into hell.

"It's just WRONG!"

Tenten gave him a pat on the back.

Kurenai, Asuma, and Kakashi exchanged a glance then dug out the 1000 ryou each for Gai.

It was at that point that the classroom door slammed open to reveal the angel of vengeance. Which amazingly had a scar just like Iruka's across his nose—oh wait that was Iruka. Oh shit. Well maybe he didn't know. (translation: I hope he doesn't know about my involvement!)

"Gai-sensei! Kakashi-sensei! I heard some very disturbing rumors!" he cast a quick glance around the room at the varying degrees of trauma looking back at him. Then reassessed his statement. "What did you do to them!"

Kakashi immediately tried to activate plausible lie no jutsu –he could feel the other three doing the same. It fizzled however when Naruto popped out from under the desk at the sound of Iruka-sensei's voice. (translation: YEA! Iruka-sensei will explain away any uncomfortable things I might have been exposed to today! And make Kaka-bastard suffer!) He was at the door face buried in the teacher's jacket in seconds spilling faster than a greased weasel through a drain pipe.

Moments later Ino Sakura and Hinata were five again as well and clinging to Iruka-sensei's waist.

Something cold ran up Kakashi's spine. Death was approaching…and it's name was Umino…

"Ka-"

"Plan of action?" Asuma asked backing (calmly) towards a window.

"I say we give him Kakashi and run!" Kurenai offered.

"We never leave a man behind!" Gai this time.

"Ka-"

"We could fight?" Kurenai.

"No we can't. I like sex." Kakashi snapped, trying to use I'm-sorry-really-please-don't –get-blood-on-my-new mask no jutsu. It fizzled.

"SHI!"

"Run." In four puffs of smoke the elite jounin vanished not to be seen again for two weeks.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo

Was it OOC at parts? Oh hell yeah. For all of it? Oh hell yeah.

oooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Show me some shogi!

Ino ducked back behind the bush. This was getting stupid. At 16 boys were supposed to be a walking hormone! That's right not hormones, hormone! One great big sex and boobies hormone! "They haven't done anything!"

Sakura rolled her eyes, "I keep telling you they aren't going to do anything. Even if they really are a couple! Shikamaru is boring and Neji is a prude! Like the rest of his clan! No offense Hinata!" she added quickly forgetting the girl was there. Normally Tenten joined them but she was recovering from her last mission still…poor thing who knew dango sticks could be so dangerous!

"Um…"

"We've been here for three hours, maybe those are just clones and they left already!"

Sakura sighed, "I don't think so."

Shikamaru moved a gamepiece and scratched his nose.

Ino blinked, "Wow that was the most action we've seen all day. Maybe next time he'll pick his ear."

"Um…"

"I told you we should have just stuck with Naruto and Sasuke! But noooo Ino wanted to see something different!"

Ino grunted, "Fine let's go, if we hurry we can catch their late afternoon fight!"

Sa-Sakura-chan…I-I really don't-"

Sakura stood up slowly dusting the grass off of her clothing. She pulled Hinata to her feet and began feeling out Sasuke's chakra. Broody and annoyed. Sasuke! They were off.

Shikamaru propped his chin on his right hand. "Looks like I win."

Neji looked up at him and glared. "Great. Can we please make out now?"

ooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

ROBBED!

Naruto watched the dark haired boy pace back and forth in the white padded room. He looked sick and pale against the starkness of the straight jacket.

White socked feet kept rhythm with a beat only he could hear. The doctor said it was only a little mental break he'd be fine in a few weeks. In the meantime they were going to keep him drugged off his ass.

They were just happy that they had found him— stuffing handfuls of peanuts down Kabuto's throat…but he was back in Konoha and safe. They were waiting for Kabuto to come out of a coma to question him about what happened to the sound village.

"Naruto!" Sakura came flying around the corner, pink hair pulled back in a sloppy ponytail. She gave Sasuke's humming form a pitying glance, then turned back to Naruto. "Naruto Kabuto's awake! Come on!"

He had been the one to find them. He got to be there for the questioning. Or at least that was what he had gotten that old hag to agree to in writing. Notarized no less in triplicate. Granted it happened while she was drunk, but hey Iruka –sensei didn't raise no fool.

So there was only mild surprise when a blond then a pink blur spun down the hall and into Kabuto's holding tank. The seal oozed over their skin as they entered the room reading them.

Kabuto sat upright in his hospital bed, an I.V. dripping steadily into his arm. He sighed. "I suppose you want to know about Orochimaru sama? I don't know if he is alive or not."

"Fuck him! What the hell did you bastards do to Sasuke!"

Kabuto blinked, "Nothing. I have nothing to do with that little psychopath!"

Naruto looked like he was about to launch himself at his throat. Sakura wrapped her arm around his.

"Kabuto your only value to us is what you know about the destruction of Sound." Kakashi spoke from the corner of the room, his one eye glaring into Kabuto's over the top of Icha Icha Bouncy Bouncy. Volume 1.

Kabuto grunted then turned red. " Thank you for the reminder Kakashi-san. Fine. Uchiha Itachi is dead."

"What Sasuke-"

Kabuto smirked, "No. By my hands."

Kakashi's eye widened. Kabuto was THAT powerful. No way.

Kabuto let them stew on that one for a moment before letting his head drop to his hands. "By accident."

Naruto fell over. "What! How do you accidentally kill someone that freakin' powerful! HOW!"

Kabuto turned on Naruto with a glare, "Sasuke lost his freakin' mind! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ITACHI WAS FATALLY ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS?"

"WHAT!" That came from everyone in the room.

"He ate my peanut butter pie … Serves the greedy bastard right."

"What!"

"Yeah anyway. Oro-sama-"

"Oro-sama?"

"Do you want this story or not?"

"Please continue..." Ibiki smirked.

ooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo

EMBARASSING MOMENTS WITH IRUKA

Most of the time Iruka enjoyed living with Kakashi—really. When he had homework to grade was NOT one of those times.

"IIIIruuuuuukkkkkkkkaaaaaaa."

Iruka kept grading, "Ignorrrring yooouuuuu."

"IIIrruuuuuuukaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…"

"Still igooorrrinnnng yooooooooou."

"Iruka!"

"What!"

"I'm horny."

"When I'm done grading."

"I'm horny nooow."

Iruka rolled his eyes, "I sent my five year olds home at 4."

"But Iruka!"

"Not now!"

"Iruka!"

"Later." His pen left a little indention on the paper.

"Iruka!"

The pen went through Hiroshi's doodle of a ladybug. "I said later!"

"Iruka!" The pen snapped in half leaking red ink all over the boy's homework.. That was it. Iruka slammed the pen down the desk and stormed into the other room.

"KAKASHI! I AM NOT GOING TO STOP WHAT I'M DOING TO GIVE YOU A BLOWJOB! I WILL BLOW WHEN I'M DO-Ohmygod…"

Kurenai and Asuma blinked from the open door. Genma leered at him from the window. Iruka did the only thing he could think of. Run into the bathroom and slam the door.

"You are a horrorable person Kakashi." Kurenai mock glared at him.

Kakashi's eye crinkled in a smile. "How long have you been at the door?"

Asuma cleared his throat. "IIIIIIIIIIIIrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuukkkkkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaa"

All three jounin broke into laughter. Genma nearly fell out of the window. All laughter tapered off as they realized Kakashi was laughing too.

"I am so not getting laid tonight. Ahhahahaha! It's all your fault ahahahahaha! You bastards are dead. AHahahahaHA!" he stopped laughing abruptly and there was death in his eye. "Run now."

And they did.

"He's not kidding!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo

DRINKING IRUKA

"Kashi…" Iruka head lolled onto Kakashi's shoulder. The other jounin at the table smiled. One or two of them dared an 'aww' behind carefully positioned cups of sake.

Kakashi tilted Iruka out of the way of a stray kunai. It hit the wall with a thud and a twang. Kakashi was sober. All of his friends were drunk. His mate was drunk. Kakashi was annoyed. Iruka's hands had found their way to their way to his upper thigh again. Kakashi removed them again.

Iruka pouted. Kakashi was ready to go home damn it. "Kashi---Kakashi." His eyes had that super focused look of drunk people trying to look sober. "I'm goin' to go get a drink 'kay?"

Kakashi nodded, and pulled Iruka back onto the chair next to him. Iruka frowned at him.

"Kakashi! I'm getting a drink."

Kakashi blinked at him. "Another one? You haven't drank the one you just got?"

Iruka glared at him—all three of him from the way his eyes were moving. " I did not."

"Sure you did. It's right there see?" Kakashi gestured at his illusion(ed) cup of tea.

Iruka made a grunting noise in his throat and reached for it. "Kakashhhhiiii what would I do for you to me be without?"

"Yeeeaahh." He mumbled ignoring his friends teasing little noises. Okay he did hit a nerve cluster behind Genma's right knee but he had that coming with the cough coughwhippedcoughcough.

"You're so lucky Kakashi-san!" Anko spoke up. Her voice thick with tears.

Great the crybaby drunk was about to –

"WAAAAH! Why won't you two get married! Why do you keep stringing Iruka-sensei along! He's to GOOD for the likes of YOU!"

Kakashi sighed. This was funny he was drunk. Not funny when he was sober…and there were a lot of Iruka fan ninja in the room tonight. Not to be mistaken for fanboys and girls oh no. Fan ninja were scaaaarrry, Obsessive stalkers with the know how and killing ability. Most times with no morals….

A girl he didn't know wrapped her arms around his shoulders then. That was bad. "'top pickin' on kashi-sama!" She's drunk. That was good. Iruka wouldn't kill her.

Iruka looked up at her, "Kashi? No one is pickin' on kashi…kashi is bery good ce'real! I eat it ever'y mornin'!"

"She's talking about me Iruka-kun." Kakashi replied. Trying to shrug the woman off before Iruka's alcohol soaked brain caught up—to late.

Iruka grabbed the woman's wrist in a very tight grip, and yanked her off taking several strands of Kakashi's hair with her. "OFF!"

Kakashi glanced around the table at the vaguely surprised faces, Iruka lulled them into forgetting he turned into a pmsing fox demon when he was angry. Oh but when they remembered, the wolves were in the chicken coop and licking their chops.

The girl stumbled but quickly caught her balance. "The fuck?"

"Find your own." Iruka snapped.

The girl sneered. "I don't see a ring on his finger…"

Oh crap. Kakashi was pretty sure the mumbled chant of 'bloodbloodblood' was coming from Genma or Asuma.

Iruka glared at the girl, then turned to look at Kurenai and Anko. " Kurenai-chan Anko-chan may I 'ave your cherry stems please?"

The kunoichi looked at each other and shrugged putting the five stems from their konoha iced teas onto a napkin and pushing it towards Iruka.

The drunk teacher, looked back to the woman. He smiled…(Kakashi decided it was a scary smile) and put the stems in his mouth one at a time.

"What the hell?" Asuma asked. Iruka held up a finger. His tongue every now and then causing a bulge in his left cheek every once in a while. Finally he turned back to Kakashi lifted his left hand and kissed the glove covered palm, and pulled it off. Dropping it to the table.

The woman snorted, Iruka curled all of Kakashi's fingers into a fist, and kissed his knuckles. Then he turned Kakashi's hand palm up and coaxed the copy-nin's ring finger straight with the tip of his tongue.

"Subtle much?"

Iruka just smiled, and sucked Kakashi's finger all the way into his mouth. This action was met with the sound of glass hitting the floor and table. The scent of blood and booze mixed into an almost corporeal being. Kakashi would have thought it impossible for so many ninja to get a nosebleed from nothing more than Iruka sucking on his finger…but. IRUKA WAS SUCKING ON HIS FINGER! And that was the only thing registering in his brain.

"Someone get a camera…" Genma again.

Iruka pulled back with a mischevious look in his eyes. He held Kakashi's hand up where the woman and most people in the bar could see it. "There a ring."

Kakashi looked at his ring finger and—stared, He forced himself to blink then stared again. Yes it was still there…

"Holy…shit…"

Iruka was turned towards the table again, reaching for his illusion sake.

"Okay we're going home now." Kakashi stood dropped money on the table and vanished with Iruka in the time it took for Genma to fumble out a camera. (3 seconds)

"Did you see that?"

"Yes we did…"

"He made a ring!"

"Yes he did."

"With his tongue!"

"Yes he did!"

"It was braided! All five stems BRAIDED!"

"Yes it was."

"WITH HIS TONGUE!"

"Yes he did."

"HIS TONGUE!"

oooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

"Thank you for coming today Itachi san—Sasuke-san. I am Dr. Saotome." The woman bowed and gestured towards the two lounges faceing the window. Sasuke glared at his brother and waited for him to pick a lounge.

Itachi barely gave him a glance and settled himself on the red one to the right Dr. Saotome took a seat at her desk which just so happened to be right next to the door…

"Sasuke-san. I see that you waited for your big brother to be seated before you sat down. Why is that?"

Sasuke glared at Itachi who couldn't care less.

Dr. Saotome cleared her throat. " I hope you don't mind Sasuke-san. I took the liberty of talking to your teachers. From the information I was given. They seem to have a concern about your temper…"

"There is nothing wrong with my temper. According to someone ELSE in the room. My problem is that I don't hate enough."

Dr. Saotome blinked, "Itachi san is this true?"

Silence was her answer.

"Okay. Sasuke-san they also mentioned that the only family you have left is your brother. Are you angry with your brother?"

"YES!"

Dr. Saotome nodded and made a quick note. Finally some progress. "Why are you angry with your brother?"

Silence.

"Hmm. Are you angry with him for living? For abandoning you?"

"Yes…"

"Is that really fair?"

"Yes."

"Why? Is it his fault that your parents died?"

"Yes."

Sasuke-san I understand you are grieveing but please know you are not the only one grieving. Your brother has lost his family as well. Do you think he might be hurting to?"

"No." accompanied with a snort.

"Do you feel closed to your brother Sasuke-san?"

"Maybe if you let him in—he'd let you in."

Sasuke snorted again.

Dr. Saotome decided to take a different tactic. "Itachi-san do you know why your brother blames you for your family's death?"

"Yes."

Okay don't hurt yourself explaining tonto.

"Why is that?"

"Because I killed them."

"You feel as though-"

"No. I. killed.them." he said slowly and sat up. " I cut them down like pigs in a slaughter house…" there was no maniac glee in his eyes…just simple fact.

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because?"

"Because I could."

"You killed your whole family because you could?"

"Yes."

Then there was silence for the next 20 minutes. Finally Dr. Saotome stood and straightened her purple suit. She walked over to one of the large book cases on the far wall and pulled down two volumes.

With a sigh she walked over to the two brothers. Handed the red book to Sasuke and the green one to Itachi. Bowed. Then ran like hell out of the room.

Sasuke looked down at his book, then at Itachi. "What did she give you?"

Itachi's face looked like it was almost trying to smile…almost. "Chicken soup for the soulless."

Sasuke hmphed, "That sounds about right."

"You?"

"So your brother is a sociopath—get over it. by Dr. Phil."

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Thank you very much for reading this. It was fun to write--till it wasn't.

Oh and one more

Naruto: Kakashi-sensei!

Kakashi: Yo!

Sasuke: This is not going to work Naruto.

Sakura: Yeah Naruto.

Kakashi: What isn't going to work?

Sasuke: Naruto has a new move he wants us to test on you.

Kakashi: Oh?

Naruto: Please?

Kakashi: This could be interesting—or painful.

Sasuke: It won't work

Sakura: This is stupid Naruto (Inner Sakura: Sucker!)

Naruto: SHUT UP! On three! 1, 2, 3!

Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke: SexyIrukasensei no jutsu! (from here on known as SISJ)

Kakashi: Three laughing naked…Iruka's—nice steam…Iruka is going to fucking kill you.

Iruka: NARUUUUTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Naruto: Uh oh.

Sasuke: Uh-oh nothing idiot! Scatter!

Sakura: He can't kill us all!