Revision A/N: As part of my New Year's Resolution, I've decided to get off my ass and revise/rewrite/repost all my favorite fics that are in desperate need of some polish because ff dot net has deleted more of my scene breaks and em dashes that I can count, damn it. I'll be uploading at least one chapter a day until I'm all through. This includes my current WIPs, so if you've been waiting for me to get to work on something specific, it'll probably happen during the revision process. Hooray!

This story was heavily inspired by Porthos1013's McKadman stories, especially the superb "Something's Come Up." and won first place for "Best Fluff/Romance" and second place "Best Humor" in the Isis Awards of 2006. Originally written in June, 2006. Revised, January, 2012 holycrapsixyearswhat.

I'm not in love with him. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

Just because I can't stop looking at him doesn't mean I'm in love with him. I mean, I was inside his head. Only natural to want to look at the outside. You know, just for a change of pace.

Maybe if I stopped tapping my pencil so hard on the conference table he'd stop staring at me like I'm some sort of lunatic.

Shit! Broke it in half.

Idiot. Complete and total idiot. That's what you are. Completely spastic idiot.

Great, now Weir is giving me funny looks.

Okay, pick up the pieces. Shove them in your pocket. Apologize. Make stupid joke out of it. That's it.

Nice recovery, Cadman.

See? You're fine! You're really fine! Just...

Wow, his eyes are blue. I mean really, really-


Stop thinking about the color of his eyes. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. They are not the color of the ocean. (And even if they are, you don't care!) Stop thinking that way.

Coffee! Coffee's here. Good. Maybe that'll take my mind off-

Napkin. I need a napkin. When did I become so accident prone? I've never spilled coffee down my front before...

God, I wish he'd quit glancing up at me that way. Geez, you'd think I just sprouted a second head or something! Why would he-

Oh..right. Covered in coffee. Forgot that fact momentarily. Brain not functioning on all eight cylinders this morning.

I'm just jumpy about the mission. That's right, the mission. That's why I'm so antsy. Yeah! Perfectly plausible excuse- er...explanation. That one. Explanation.

Yeah, right. Mission. Keep lying to yourself, uh huh.

Shut up conscience, no one asked for your input.

You're fine. You're fine. You aren't falling in love with Rodney. You're not.

Damn it. When did he become Rodney and not McKay?

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

Not in love with Rodney. In love with Carson.

Yes, that's a good direction to take this current train of thought.

Carson. Carson the Doctor. Carson the caring, wonderful, kind-

Not like Rodney. Rodney's snarky and self centered and egotistical and, and, and-


I did not just think that about Rodney. No. No. No.

Damn it. I meant McKay. Not Rodney. McKay. McKay. McKay. McK-

Laura McKay...I like the sound of that.


Back up.

Where did that come from?

Must have a fever. Or a tumor. Should probably go to the infirmary after the briefing. Yes. Infirmary. Excellent idea. Beckett will be there. Right. Beckett.

Beckett. Beckett. Beckett.

Laura Beckett.


Doesn't have that same ring to it.

Maybe I'll just keep my name.

Wait. Did someone just ask me a question? I wasn't paying attention.

Yes. Sheppard asked. What did he ask?

Never mind. Interrupted. Thank you, Doctor Zelenka.

Have to pay closer attention now. Can't zone out and miss something really important.

Gotta stop dwelling on Rodney


Isn't that what I said?

P3X-Z529. Uninhabited. Interesting plant life. Routine mission.

Shouldn't have put so much sugar in my coffee. Starting to feel a bit sticky.

Uncomfortable and sticky.

Oh good. Meeting dismissed. Now to bolt-

Weir wants to talk to me? Why? Oh...she's concerned.

Scramble for answers. Thinking processes speed up quite a bit under pressure.

It's got nothing to do with the fact Rodney left the room. Nope. Nope. Nope. No connection between the two whatsoever! His proximity to me has nothing to do with how fast or slow my brain works.

The idea that it would is laughable. Utterly...completely...

I'm Dismissed? Good. Time for a clean uniform.

Cold shower might be a good idea too.

Then the infirmary. Yes. Must have Beckett look me over. Check for alien diseases that would be causing these sorts of-

Stop walking in mid-stride. Gears in head grind to a halt. Stare.

Rodney McKay is standing outside my quarters.