Disclaimer: I own nothing.
(a collection of meaningless drabbles)
Sometimes James feels he is the woman in their relationship.
Lily has been sitting on James' bed in the dormitories for exactly twenty three minutes, waiting for him to get ready for their date to Hogsmeade. James, at this precise moment in time, is trying on trousers. Many, many trousers. Why James is trying on different trousers Lily cannot comprehend. For some reason he is undecided on what to wear. Lily has never met a boy so undecided about trousers in her entire life.
"Are these okay?" He approaches her, rearward, modelling his backside. Lily stares at him at a loss for words.
"Yeah, you're right," James answers after her thirty seconds of silence. He unzips the pair of jeans he's wearing, and when they're around his ankles, kicks them free from his feet. Then, he searches for another pair. There's no embarrassment changing in front of Lily; they're already comfortable with one another, despite only dating for a short while. This almost scares Lily; it's like they're already married.
"How about these?"
Lily looks up from swinging her feet off the edge of the bed and finds James is now modelling a new pair of trousers. They look exactly the same as the previous pair; same colour and same number of pockets, but Lily humours him by not pointing this out. "They're lovely, James," she tells him, though she can't see his head because he's bent over and stuck his arse in her face like a true gentleman, so she tells his bottom instead. Her hand drifts forward to cop a feel, but she has enough self-restraint to stop herself.
"Does my bum look alright?"
Lily blinks, several times. "Yes," she says, trying not to focus too hard on the absurdity of this conversation since he is a Marauder and normal conversations with Marauders are rarities. "Yes, your bum looks fine," she assures him.
"Are you sure?"
She continues to study the bottom inches from her nose. "Yes, it's a wonderful bottom, James." Her head cocks to one side, and it's as though his bum has taken her under some spell.
"Really?" replies James smugly.
"Yes. Squeezable, round, plump; however you would like to describe it."
"Do you think..." He pauses for a moment, and Lily urges him to carry on. "Do you think they make my arse look big?"
Lily's eyes bulge wide - that was a rather womanish question of her boyfriend to put to her.
"Erm…" James turns an adorable pink and mumbles, "We can go now."
He pulls Lily to her feet and they hurry out of the dorm, pretending the incident never happened.
"Your lips look dry."
It's this statement from Lily that makes James look up at her strangely from studying in the library. He finishes off the loop of the letter he is writing and asks Lily, "What?" while parting his mouth a little in confusion.
"Your lips," Lily says again, pointing to his mouth. "They look dry."
"Too much kissing," James offers an explanation accompanied by a rogue grin.
"Kissing what, a plunger?"
Lily gives up immediately. By now she should have learned to never make a joke involving something Muggle related to a Pureblood.
"Never mind," she says, and James scratches his head in bewilderment. Lily digs in her school bag and produces some lip balm. "Here." She hands him the small pot, hoping it will help him with his dehydrated lips problem and also distract him before he gets a headache trying to get his head around what a plunger is, along with its function. "Put that on your lips."
James examines the small pot between his thumb and forefinger for a moment. When he does apply the lipbalm to his mouth with such expertise, Lily can't help but wonder if he's done this before. After adding a thick layer of it to his lips - shinier than ever - he drops the pot of lip balm horror after realizing what he's just done.
"This is the equivalent of me putting on make-up, isn't it?" he says worrisomely.
"I won't tell anyone if you don't." Lily leans in and pecks his cheek.
"EVERYONE, PRONGS IS PUTTING ON LIPSTICK!"
Sadly, Sirius has entered the library (his first library visit in seven years, James notes in annoyance).
James also notes this as his second feminine moment of the week, another line added to an imaginary tally in his head.
The next day, he rakes a hand through his hair in front of the mirror in the boys' dormitory, clearly unsatisfied. His hair is doing 'mental things', not appearing the way he wants it (swoon-worthy). No spell or wizard product will sort it out. It is official: James Potter is having a bad hair day.
"Prongs," Sirius pops his head into the room because he is too lazy to check James' well being by stepping fully inside it. "I've been waiting for you in common room for more than half an hour. Are you coming for breakfast or what?"
"Wait," James says. "My hair." He prods a particular bit that looks askew and groans in frustration when it doesn't do what it's told. "It's doing mental things."
Sirius can't control the amusement flickering across his face. "You… you've been in here doing your hair all this time?"
James snaps his head from the mirror to glower at Sirius. "Yes," he snarls.
Sirius barks a familiar laugh like the dog he is. "Women," he says, before slamming the door shut, his laughter echoing down the staircase.
James marks down the third line in the imaginary tally in his mind.
At some point James gives up with his hair and goes to breakfast. Sitting next to Lily eating cereal in the Great Hall, he tries to concentrate on eating his toast, but something about Lily's appearance is bothering him, and it'll keep bothering him until he fixes it.
"The collar of you shirt is on the wonk," he says.
"Hmm?" replies Lily distractedly, about to spoonful some cornflakes into her mouth, when unexpectedly James yanks her forward. Lily yelps as her elbows nearly land in her bowl of food. James pushes down her collar until it's neat and presentable, fiddling with her tie until it's perfect. His actions appearing oddly like one of a housewife. Once satisfied, he releases his girlfriend.
The entire group sitting around him stare bizarrely at him. It doesn't take long for James to comprehend the full magnitude of what he's done this time.
"James is a lady," Sirius says through a mouthful of toast.
A fourth line is made on the imaginary tally.
"I've been having stomach cramps all day," James complains in Transfiguration.
A fifth line is made.
"James, your chest seems to be… sticking out more than usual."
"James, have you seen my Witches Weekly magazine?" Lily asks inside the boys' dormitory.
"Are you sure? I think I left it here yesterday."
"No. Sorry." James looks across the room at her apologetically. Lily sighs in disappointment and tells him she'll be back soon after searching for the reading material in her own dorm.
James stares hard at the magazine that is creeping from under his pillow.
A seventh line is made, after screaming internally for several minutes.
The female habits have been happening for at least a week now.
James cannot even say the word 'cold' at this moment (or was the word 'cod'? He can't remember). He stands by Lily's side at the Great Lake. The clouds are ominously grey, miserable weather reflecting his dejected mood (one can only imagine being a male and acting like a female isn't pleasant – unless one prefers the new adopted characteristics). Walks in Hogwarts Grounds are the only ways the couple can get real privacy without someone complaining about public displays of affection, except James is currently turning blue.
Teeth chattering fast, Lily worries that he's ruining his pearly whites she's always admired. "Are you okay?"
"I-I-I-I-I…." James is so cold he can't even complete his sentences. "I'm fine," he gasps, despite the fact that he knows his genitals must be frozen. Stupid pillock, he tells himself, should have brought my robe. He rubs his arms so fiercely in attempt of warmth he causes scram marks to his skin.
Heaving a sigh, Lily takes off her robes. "Here," she says softly, handing the item of clothing to him. Stubbornly, James refuses to take it, shaking his head at her.
"Stop being noble," Lily berates him. He looks close on death. "James, for goodness' sake." She grabs him before he can escape, then drapes the robe around his shoulders before he can argue any further.
"What about you?" he asks.
"I'm robust," Lily tells him proudly. She doesn't look a stretch on cold at all, James notices with amazement. Evans women are stronger than they look. "Ill manage, you silly woman-"
James snaps. "Will you stop!"
"What?" Lily looks at him with amused bemusement.
"My ego has taken a serious bruising this past week. I feel like I'm the girl in this relationship! It's bloody humiliating."
The corners of Lily's mouth tug upwards at the colour of James'cheeks: bright red.
"Did you know-" she hooks her arms around his neck "-all men are sort of half woman anyway because of the 'X' chromosome you have?"
"No, I didn't know that, but thanks for informing that it's scientifically proven I am half a woman, and so is fellow man."
"My pleasure," Lily replies, admiring his surly pout. "Anyway, I find your feminine behaviour rather endearing."
"Lily, I stole your girly magazine! It's not endearing, it's plain loony."
Her arms fall from his shoulders. "You stole my magazine?"
"Yes!" James cries, looking the peak of insanity. "I was reading the article on exercises to getting a firmer bottom."
"I thought we discussed this already, James, your bottom is fine."
"I know, but sometimes when I'm walking I wonder if my bottom is making ripples in the air—"
"I love you," Lily cuts him off, kissing James' earlobe, and he immediately shuts up. Lily has told him this statement plenty of times, but James likes it when she tells him she loves him in that small whisper of hers, the one that makes him shiver pleasurably. "I love you, your little paranoia about your delectable bum—"
"Squeezable, it is," James puts in.
"—and I love all the ever so slight womanly habits you comprise." A smirk creeps upon her face. "Just don't grow bigger bosoms than me or anything," she warns him mischievously.
"Har har," James says, before swooping down to kiss her. They get so carried away that they nearly stumble and fall into the Great Lake.
"Padfoot," a bored Remus calls Sirius' name from behind the bush they are spying James and Lily, on the other side of Hogwarts Grounds. "When are we going to tell Prongs we put that Womanly Curse on him?"
"Two more weeks, I swear," Sirius promises, a pair of impressive binoculars held to his eyes. "I'll stop the spell when he gets the menstruation." Remus shoots him a repulsed look at this.
A distance shout by the lake makes them both nearly tumble into the bush and land a branch in Remus' eye.
"AAARGH, MY CROTCH IS BLEEDING!"
"Too late," Sirius guffaws.
Remus sighs in turn. "We're going to go to hell for this."