A challenge issued by Icy Saphire, made perverted by yours truly. It is true that generally I am very docile in the lewd and crude of my writings, but when presented with an implied angst challenge… well… pssshhh….. like that's going to happen. Angst makes the world emo. (no offense to anyone, but I prefer to make people laugh) So, my goal here to today, is to pervert IcySaphire's challenge and make you, the readers, laugh till the people around you are staring at you in an 'omg, that person is a nutcase' type of way. (you know what I'm talking about…)
Challenge paraphrased au moi: Iruka is suppressing something scarring and personal that deeply bothers him, Kakashi notices and worries for him. Either Kakairu/irukaka paired.
(evil grin here)
Dedicated to CAPS LOCK. Because it is the first time I've used it.
Kakashi was not usually one to meddle. In fact, he went out of his way to stay out of others' business. There was just never a place in his heart for high school dramas and angsty heart breakers. He was more of a smut person, honestly. No need for angst.
Therefore, when his heart gave a pang of feeling he didn't recognize, it frightened him. Was that sorrow? It wasn't lust, that was for sure. This feeling was unknown to him, maybe regret, but an unfinished regret. Or maybe it was the Mexican food he'd had for lunch.
No. That wasn't it.
"Iruka-sensei!" he smiled brightly, trying to ignore the pang of feeling. "Is something wrong?"
The teacher had always been full of smiles (even if exasperated ones) and cheery greetings; but today, he turned pale as a sheet and could only stare. After receiving no answer for quite some time, Kakashi held his book down a bit and watched as Iruka's eyes followed the orange nemesis. "Oh, are you still unhappy that I read these in public?" he beamed and tucked the book away, slightly perturbed at the uncharacteristic vibes Iruka was emanating.
As soon as the book disappeared, Iruka snapped from his reverie and focused on the only visible body part available on Kakashi's face. "Ah- I'm sorry, Kakashi-sensei, what was that?"
This earned him a frown.
"Are you feeling alright, Iruka-sensei? You look a bit pale." Kakashi noted carefully, admitting to himself that pale did not look as good as a bronze tan with blushing cheeks.
Iruka looked flustered, but controlled himself well. "Um, I'm fine. Thank you for asking. Just a bit spacey today is all." he rubbed his temples with an exasperated sigh to himself. "How is team seven today, Hatake-san?"
Kakashi glanced over his shoulder onto the training field behind him. "Ummm… looks like Sasuke's got Naruto in a head lock. But other than that, they're just fine." he gave a Gai-like thumbs up, for some reason feeling the need to cheer the teacher from his apparent grief.
"Ah…" Iruka watched, vaguely worried as Naruto and Sasuke duked out their differences while Sakura screamed bloody murder at the blonde. "Well… I'll leave you to them, then… Good-bye." he bowed quickly and headed off down the road.
Kakashi nodded back absently and watched Iruka continue away from the Academy.
"Hn… I wonder if he knows his shirt is on inside out?" A yelp of pain echoed from behind Kakashi and he didn't have a chance to contemplate the issue further. He turned around and waved a threatening finger at the trio. "Now, now boys and girl, do you really think that two against one is fair? And especially against your own teammate?"
"Fckn Sske n' Skra geoffameh!" Naruto mumbled into the dirt his head had been planted into.
Sasuke stepped off his Naruto pedestal and brushed himself off. "He said my family symbol looked like a ping pong racket." he murmured solemnly.
Kakashi stared at the Uchiha crest for a while, then snapped his fingers at them impatiently. "Okay you three, real training now. Sakura, you're hunter one, Naruto, hunter two, and Ping Pong, you're the victim. Start running."
Sasuke stared in disbelief and hatred. "Excuse me?"
"I said start running, Ping Pong!" Kakashi made a few quick hand seals and Sasuke's shorts suddenly became three sizes too small.
"AH! MOTHER &$#$!"
With that Sasuke started running.
Kakashi knocked lightly on the clean and cobweb free door. He compared it to his own door, wherein there were at least two families of spiders living in the cracks. There was also a possible vendetta between the two head spiders, for he often found them tangled together. Or maybe they were having a secret relationship while the rest of the family was away? They must have been secret lovers, for he found them tangled together often.
The thought of secretive gay spiders left his mind after realizing there was no answer from inside the home for quite some time. Kakashi sighed and dropped the bottle of sake to his side. He turned, dejected, from the front door to start back down the walkway.
Just as he began to step from beneath the eaves, the proprietor of the home jostled around the corner. "Ack!"
A dancing series of plastic bags crashing and feet stumbling happened all at once. Kakashi managed to save the precious life of his sake, and at the same time grab Iruka's arm to keep him balanced. "That was a close one, Iruka-sensei. You snuck up on me! I'm sorry if I scared you." The elder shinobi tried to calm the pallid chuunin.
"Um-Kak-ah!" Iruka scrambled to collect the plastic bag he'd dropped.
Naturally, the white haired shinobi had his eye drawn to the bag. "Oh, book shopping? That's a good bookstore, I like it." Kakashi tried to unload Iruka of some of his baggage, but was batted away.
"I've – I've got it! My keys are in my vest pocket though, if you'd like to open the door." Iruka offered, still visibly flustered by his run in.
Kakashi beamed, feeling that such an honor to open Iruka-sensei's door could only be bestowed on so many perverted ninja. When his back had turned, Iruka scrambled to shove one plastic bag to the bottom of another plastic bag. Kakashi watched this occurrence in the reflection of the window, all the while trying to figure out exactly which key opened the door. Iruka hadn't been very specific.
"Tea?" Iruka had calmed mostly, but his shoulders were still brought back rigidly, and every once in a while his eyes would steal quick glances of Kakashi in any way he could.
"Spiked?" the jounin held up the bottle of sake he had brought, "I thought you needed something to relax. You've been a bit rigid all day today, you know." he explained as gently as possible.
The tan man stiffened and glanced curiously to his superior. "I have?"
"Hn. Very." Kakashi was pleased to see the curiosity and innocence in Iruka's eyes and not the predicted agitation and anger.
They settled politely at the table, Iruka filling each tea cup half way with tea, and Kakashi finishing the cup with sake.
"How-what-when? Er, wha-when did you get here, Kakashi-san? I hope I hadn't kept you too long." Iruka was more flustered now than he had been earlier even.
Kakashi watched him peculiarly for a moment, twirling his tea cup between thoughtful fingers. "Oh… not too long. Iruka-sensei, your stuttering."
"Just frazzled from the scare you gave me." The young man tried to smile, but the warmth came out faux.
Kakashi reached a hand up towards his mask, watching as Iruka's eyes adverted politely. He pursed his lips and pulled his mask down, sipping quietly. "You can look."
Chocolate eyes regarded in awe, the delicate but sharp jaw line, then smooth cheeks, and the delectable lips that suckled at the edge of Kakashi's tea cup. Iruka's stomach turned and his inside sunk to his groin. With eyes fixated to Kakashi's face, he didn't recognize the obvious drooling state he had entered.
"My face isn't that amazing."
Iruka shook his head dumbly, "You've got lips like rose pedals in the morning sun… pink… and bathed in glory…" he breathed.
Kakashi's eye squinted, then the corner of his lips twitched into a smile. "Icha Icha Paradisu Volume 6 chapter 9."
The perverted jounin suddenly beamed brightly, "You read Icha Icha, Iruka-sensei! I'm so happy! Do you have the entire collection? Because I could lend you the ones you don't have if you like!"
Iruka was coughing and sputtering, hands clutching his throat as free thought returned to him. "I-sputter- I don't read porn! I don't! –cough- I'd-I'm a teacher! I don't read your perverted novels!"
Kakashi beamed all the brighter, "I'm a teacher, too! See? It's okay!"
"Just because you read them doesn't make it okay!" Iruka snapped, some clarity of mind forcing him to point that out even if it wasn't in his defense.
"Come on Iruka-sensei! Admit it! You read porn!"
"Ahh…. if you really want to deny it, Iruka-sensei, go ahead." he raised his tea cup to his lips leisurely, enjoying the flushed Iruka. Now that was the Iruka he knew and loved. The one he could fluster easily.
"I'm not denying anything." Iruka firmly planted his cup down, tea and sake jumping clean out of the cup and across the table.
"I believe you."
"No you don't, you bastard!"
"Oh shut up."
Kakashi felt relatively privileged in his newfound knowledge. Upon entering the missions office, a smug air tried to creep over his lazy personality. He fought off the urge valiantly and stood in line at Iruka's table.
"Ah – Kakashi-san, I can take that over here." Genma waved a bored hand, wanting someone to talk to and figuring his old friend could at least do that for him.
Graciously and casually, Kakashi raised his middle finger discretely and didn't move from the line, nor remove the little orange book from his hand.
Genma stared incredulously, wondering vaguely what he did to deserve such conduct. "Well up yours, too." he muttered, elbows planted on the table as he leaned forward and plopped his head down.
Iruka didn't even flinch when Kakashi stepped forward. "Hello Kakashi-san. I trust your report is finished?"
Kakashi stared ahead blandly. "Report?"
Iruka stared back. "That's why you're here, isn't it?"
"Oh. Yeah, I guess that was originally my intent." he reached into his pocket and handed Iruka a wadded ball of paper. Had anyone been the wiser, they would have known that fifteen minutes ago that paper was neatly pressed in Kakashi's vest, but he smashed it up and shoved it back in his pocket just for Iruka to fume over.
Iruka's lips pulled in as he restrained his anger. "You expect me to accept this?"
"Oh, you don't want it? In that case, I'll take it back and go redo it. I thought you would also appreciate a few of these," he produced several Icha Icha Art books from his vest, beaming. "They go along with the books."
Iruka's face turned red and then purple, then blue.
"Breath, Iruka-sensei, or you will never get a chance to enjoy them!"
Everyone in the room was watching silently, waiting in apprehension to the next move. Iruka stood from his chair, hands planting firmly on the desk. "I DON'T READ PORN, YOU PERVERT!" With that he stormed from the room, taking the time to turn around and hurl Kakashi's wadded missions report at the man. It pinged off his forehead and landed on the missions table.
Kakashi giggled and tucked the books away, following Iruka out the door. The room stayed silent for a long moment, counting down and waiting for the inevitable-
"YEEEOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAH! GET AWAY FROM MEEE!"
"Come on, Iruka-sensei, stop denying your inner pevert!"
Iruka surveyed his classroom, keenly watching all the students who tended to cheat when they were desperate. "Konohamaru. Keep your eyes on your own paper." he warned, tapping a pencil against his desk.
The boy raised his head and stuck his tongue out childishly. His attention on Iruka dispersed though and he pointed at the window. "There's a Cyclops outside."
"Konohamaru! Stop that and just finish your own test! I'm not going to fall for some stupid Naruto prank like that so you can cheat." he grunted, leaning back in his desk chair and rubbing his nose. He sighed inwardly, what was he, a worthy bachelor of 24, doing trying to control bratty little kids? He needed to get out more.
"Iruka-sensei, there really is a Cyclops outside!" Konohamaru bemoaned, test paper skittering around on his desk in a restless hand.
An agitated bespectacled boy raised his eyes irritably, "There's a guy with a mask on outside the window holding up a porn magazine." The aggravated boy growled. "Now both of you shut up so I can concentrate."
Konohamaru stood up and thrust his chair backwards, "You got somethin' to say to me, Teme!"
"Yeah. Shut up, dunce. Or are you still trying to get out of your test?"
Iruka had forgotten about the argument that had begun to produce. He launched at the window, throwing the glass up and ripping the dirty magazine from Kakashi's hands and tearing it to pieces right there.
"What the hell are you doing, waving that around at a grade school class!" he hissed angrily, clamoring out the window with lethal intents.
Kakashi beamed kindly, "You should have been the only one to see me, your shinobi skills are supposed to be far better than your little brats'. You must be under some serious pressure, Iruka-sensei. You're becoming lesser than your students."
Iruka fumed and considered throttling the superior. "Pervert." he hissed, climbing back in the window to separate the class-wide brawl that had erupted.
"EVERYONE SIT DOWN THIS INSTANT OR YOU ALL GET Fs!"
Konohamaru's arm pumped into the air victoriously, "AAAAAAAAHAHAHA! I'm taking you all down with me!"
Moegi meeped and hid her face.
Iruka heaved a sigh and settled into his bathtub, the hot water relaxing his tensed muscles slowly but surely. He breathed in the light berry flavor that wafted through the air from the scented bath water. With finality, his head flopped back against the edge of the tub and his eyes roamed up to the ceiling.
Kakashi beamed and waved around a succulent center fold porn magazine from the skylight.
Iruka was only slightly paranoid. He pushed the door to his bedroom open and immediately pulled out a kunai, prepared to stab Kakashi's one remaining eye in vengeance. After a thorough search, no perverted jounin in sight, Iruka let his fears ebb slightly and he got ready for bed.
He turned the light off and slipped into his covers, head nestling into his pillow. He stretched out on the king sized bed, arms and legs spread in all directions. The soft sheets felt like his true happy place. On his second shift, his knee brushed something cold and pointy. He frowned and turned bedside lamp on. He flipped the covers open and stared at the Icha Icha Paradisu book.
He frowned and pulled the book up to his eyes. "I don't remember bringing this volume in here."
He looked across the room to the bag from the bookstore he had yet to unload. His scowl deepened. "Bastard!"
Iruka was going bonkers. He found porn taped to his door. He found porn glued to his shower wall. He found porn stapled to the inside drawer of his desk. He found porn on his mirror. And on several occasions, he found porn in his clothing pockets. While he was still wearing them. The jounin was good, there was no denying that. Iruka was going insane.
"DAMNIT KAKASHI!" Iruka saw the man and reacted without even considering. "Stop! Leaving! Porn! In! My! Stuff!" Each word was accentuated with a bodily assault to the jounin.
Kakashi beamed once the attack had ebbed. "But Iruka! You're denying your inner pervert! And that's not good for your health. You have to let it out!"
Iruka scowled, restraining another urge to maul the man. He's already used his mauling quota for the week. "Kakashi, putting porn in the desk in my classroom can get me fired for one thing. And I don't need to let loose any inner pervert, thank you! Would you please stop leaving porn pictures everywhere?"
Kakashi blinked once, then put a comforting hand on Iruka's shoulder. "If you insist."
"Thank you!" Iruka heaved a sigh of relief, his head flopping into his palm. "Finally…"
"MOTHER &$#&!" Iruka tore out of his bedroom, ripping through the house at mach 5 speeds. He didn't reach the exit in time. Kakashi poofed into his pathway, an evil grin across those once mysterious lips. His pale body was rippled and toned everywhere, and Iruka had the chance to see everywhere.
"Iruka! I kept my promise! I didn't leave you porn pictures!" Kakashi dashed after Iruka, bare feet silent against the carpet.
"GAWD NOOOO!" Iruka was not in good enough condition to outrun a naked jounin. "DON'T DO IT KAKASHI, DON'T DO IT!"
The sheets rustled softly, sliding against Iruka's skin as he rolled over. "Hn…" he muttered, head burrowing down closer to the warmth on his frontside.
"Stop groping me."
"I can't even grope after sex? What fun are you?"
"You can put your hand on my back."
"Your back isn't as gratifying."
"Off. My ass. Now."
Kakashi sighed, exasperated, "You're still denying your inner pervert, sensei. You can't be completely freed from your qualms unless you let me guide you. You try it, put your hand on my ass."
"Come ooon, you know you want to."
"You said you'd let me help you!"
"No, I said I would let you lend me your Icha Ichas." he batted at Kakashi's wandering hand for a third time.
"Just try it, you'll like it! You liked the sex, didn't you? I didn't trick you into that-!"
"You didn't trick me, you molested me, asshole."
"Point aside, I told you it wouldn't be bad, and you liked it. And you can't deny that." the jounin had a victorious smile in his eyes.
Iruka huffed and shook his head. "So what."
"Just grab my ass, and you'll find out how rewarding it is."
"I said, NO!" his fist lashed out across Kakashi's unguarded stomach.
Kakashi grunted and doubled forward, cupping Iruka in his body unintentionally. "Alright … we'll try that later then."
Iruka nodded in agreement and snuggled against Kakashi's chest. "One step at a time, thanks."
Kakashi beamed. "You skipped a few steps, you realize that, Iruka-sensei?"
"Shut up. I was overdue for a lay. – Watch the hand, loverboy."
Kakashi made a sour face at being impeded. "Hn. I'll get you next time."
Iruka didn't deny the absence of a 'next time' either.
Aaaahahaha! The crack! It's a beautiful thing. Regret challenging me, IcySaphire? No angst here! (except for Iruka) Mwuahaha!