Losing it: L Word Style

A:N/ Ok I decided to tap into the comedic side of the L Word. I don't think it's ever been done before in terms of fan fiction. Every fic is focused around romance and love, which I pretty much gave up in giving a crap about once I found out that Tina and Bette don't make it in s3. Anyway, hopefully this won't suck too much. And if it does gimme a break, I've got writer's block.

Disclaimer: L Word is property of Showtime and yada, yada, yada…

Other Author's Note: Not really based on any particular season. In fact, it's really none of them. Lil bit of everything. If you're confused by this then…go read something else.

Feedback: Love it!

Author: The freaking lampshade, who do you think!

…--…--…

Chapter 1- Nicole went crazy and I'll I got was this stupid story

(The credits roll, the BETTY theme song of Discontent plays…)

Me: Welcome to a special edition of the L Word. Now, normally you'd see something involving love or loss or something like that…but not tonight. No, tonight you're gonna laugh. You're gonna laugh at Jenny, you're gonna laugh at Alice, and hell- if I feel like it you may even get to read this story...(I pause for laughs but get none.) Oh screw you guys, I don't have to impress you! (clearly hurt) Forget it! Just read the damn story!

…--…--…

(Tina is sitting at the kitchen table looking at her laptop, Bette walks in.)

Bette: Hey T, what you up to?

(Tina closes the computer)

Tina: (shifty eyes) Nuthin.

Bette: Ugh, you weren't cybering again were you Tina?

Tina: NO! (Bette gives her a look and she breaks down) …it's a serious problem, ok!

Bette: That's disgusting! You don't know who the hell you're talking to on that thing.

Tina: Yes I do! It's Helena!

Bette: Oh that's low.

Tina:…and Henry.

(Alice randomly sticks her head in the door.)

Alice: Got…….dick?

Bette: Alice, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off stalking Dana and Lara or something?

Alice: Hey, I have a life outside of stalking ya know. I also like to pop in at random and say things that make people uncomfortable.

Bette: Well Tina and I are in the middle of something now if you don't mind.

Alice: Alright, I'll come back later.

Bette: (sarcastically) Great. (Alice leaves Bette turns back to Tina--) Christ Tina will you stop doing that!

Tina: (sheepishly) Sorry.

…--…--…

(Someone throws something at me)

Me: Ok, who threw that! Alex?

Alex: Wasn't me.

Me: Whoever it was better quit it or else I'm not gonna go back to Bette and Tina. I swear.

Random Person1: Lies!

Tina: Random Person1 makes a good point. You can't go 5 minutes without bringing us, let alone, me up.

Me: 0o…. Don't you have a computer to get back to?

Tina: Bette's using it to 'talk' to Candace.

…--…--…

(Shane and Jenny's house…the bathroom. Shane's throwing up…Oh c'mon, you guys didn't think she was skinny cuz she ate healthy, did you? That's rich.)

(Jenny starts pounding on the door.)

Jenny: Hurry it up Shane! I gotta get my razor blade so I can cut the inside of my thighs! Uh, I-I mean, shave! (Shane opens the door)

Shane: Alright, damn, aren't you supposed to be working on your story now anyway?

Jenny: I ran out of chronic.

Shane: Right. Well I have to go meet Carmen at the Planet for drinks, see ya.

Jenny: Yep, and hey, if you happen to drop by the store later could you pick me up some fish food?

Shane: (raises an eyebrow) Why?

Jenny: Duh! For the fish!

Shane: But… dude, we don't have any fish.

Jenny: (gets a blank Phoebe-type look on her face.) Then what the hell have I been feeding for the last month and a half?

Shane: (Freaked out) I'm outta here.

…--…--…

Tina: (she's eating popcorn) I'm bored…this is boring.

Me: Sooo did I like-make you my co-host or something?

Tina: (Shrugs) I noticed that you didn't have one so I thought I'd help out.

Me: Oh, well, um, all right. I'm not gonna object.

Tina: (randomly)…I want my autonomy.

(I raise an eyebrow and move away from her.)

…--…--…

(The Planet: Shane, Carmen, Dana, Lara, and Kit are sitting there drinking. Well, not Kit cuz she's supposedly 'dry'. Which is a load of crap because you know she's gotta be on some kind of booze…I'll shut up now.)

Shane: Sooo

Dana: Yea. (Everyone in the group looks bored. Shane shoots a spitball at the ceiling.)

Lara: What are we doing?

Carmen: Well, this is usually the part of the show were someone has sex or does some exposition to pass the time.

(Dana and Lara get up)

Dana: Lara and I will cover the first half. You guys take care of the latter. (They leave)

Kit: Anyone got any exposition?

(Alice runs up.)

Alice: Where are Dana and Lara going?

Carmen: To go have space-filler sex. (that was sorta exposition-y.)

Alice: (All panicky) Oh no! That's the best kind! I gotta go stop them!

Shane: Dude, why are you so intent on breaking them up?

Alice: I-don't-know.

Kit: Can't argue with that logic. (see! See I told you she was drinking!)

Alice: Alice the Wonder Bi—AWAY! (She runs off)

…--…--…

Tina: Alice the Wonder Bi? What the hell was that?

Me: Hey, it was either that or Xena. And I think this one worked out better.

Bette: Not really.

Me: Ok it just got a little crowded in here. Where did you come from?

Bette: The kitchen. You're set up in our bedroom and I'm tired.

Tina: It's 9:30 at night.

Bette: I know, but I have a breakfast date.

Tina: Breakfast isn't a date you big gaymo! Lunch, maybe a date, dinner- definitely a date, but breakfast is just a cheap imitation.

Bette: (really not able to think of a witty Bette Porter comeback.) Yea, well…Lalalalala! I can't hear you! (She covers her ears. Tina sticks out her tongue.)

Me: Stop it! (I whistle, they both look at me.) Now, it's pretty obvious that you two have lost touch with each other. And I'm not just saying that because Tina's boinking Henry…actually, come to think of it, that is why I'm saying it. I mean, if you were gonna be with a guy Tina he could've at least been cute!

Tina: Henry's cute.

(Me, Bette, and quite possibly the whole L Word fanbase laugh at this.)

Me: That's funny. But seriously, I've decided to help you and Bette connect again. Mainly for ratings but also because the show pretty much sucks now that you two are broken up…again.

Bette: I thought you haven't even seen season 3 yet?

Me: I haven't, I just heard a lot of crap on the Showtime board. But that's beside the point. Do you two want my help or not?

(The both shrug.)

Me: Good, it's settled! Now I'm gonna need some wine.

Tina: For us?

Me: Sure…why not?

…--…--…

(Cut to Tonya. She's wearing a "I Killed Mr. Piddles" T-shirt.)

Tonya: Yay! Someone's paying attention to me! I'm gonna be famous!

(Back at the Planet.)

Tonya: Wait! Comeback! Nooo!

(Ehem! I said: Back-at-the-Planet!)

(Alice walks back up to the group. Jenny is now among them.)

Shane: So did you manage to stop Dana and Lara?

Alice: (sitting down.) No, but I did stop a very interesting game of Twister in the bathroom.

Jenny: fascinating. Hey, would you guys mind if we use this time in the story to cut to one of my crack-induced dream sequence type--things?

Carmen: I guess not.

Kit: Whateva.

Jenny: Thanks. (She stares off into space.)

(Dizzy effect)

(The scene is in black and white. Jenny is in a clown suite, doing the chicken dance in slow motion while a Jewish remix of the song plays on a record player. The whole room starts melting and leaves her standing in a puddle of black and white. She turns and sees a cow wearing sunglasses.

Cow: (slowly) You don't eat our meat but you glue with our feet.

(The cow takes off its sunglasses and suddenly dives off a diving board into a pool full of green jello. Still in slow motion mind you.)

(Dizzy Effect out)

Jenny: Wow that was awesome. I should do a story about that! (She runs off)

(Dana and Lara finally come back.)

Dana: Was that cow swimming in Jello?

Shane: I think so.

Kit: That is some freaky ass shit that girl thinks about.

(everyone nods)

…--…--…

Me: Jenny's a freak. Maybe I'll have her get hit by a bus or something. (I turn back to Bette and Tina) Anyway, where were we?

Bette: You were about to show us what we look like when we argue.

Me: Oh that's right. (I have to socks on my hands.) Now, this pink sock here will represent Tina and the brown sock wil…

Bette: How come I have to be the brown sock? What are you implying?

Me: I'm not implying anything! It's your sock!

Tina: I wanna be a blue sock!

Me: But you don't have any blue socks!

Bette: Racist!

Me: Gah!

(A few minutes later I now have two white socks on my hands.)

(Bette opens her mouth.)

Me: Don't! Don't you dare. (She closes it.) Kay, this sock on my left will be T while the one on my right will be Bette, got it? (They nod.) Good. Ehem.

(In a Tina-mocking voice)

You don't care about my feelings!

(In a Bette-mocking voice)

You won't give me any since we had Angelica!

(Real Bette)

Bette: Speaking of which, where is she? (We all look around)

…--…--…

(Cut to baby Angelica dressed like Indiana Jones in the middle of a jungle. She's hanging off a cliff while Tigers and stuff watch her below. She swings off a vine and gets to the other side of the cliff and crawls into a temple with a map in one hand and a bottle in the other.) (O---K)

…--…--…

Tina: Probably in her room.

Bette: I'll take your word for it.

Me: Can we get back to therapy, please?

Bette: Whoa, you never said this was therapy.

Me: Well, der.

Tina: Yea…der.

Bette: Oh go der yourself.

Tina: I don't have to! I have Henry to do that for me!

Me/Bette: Holy hell…

Me: That was uncalled for Kennard!

Tina: That's Ms. Kennard to you missy!

Me: (scared) Yes ma'am.

Bette: Alright, if we keep this up the only place we're gonna end up is Jerry Springer. So I say we just let Nicole try to help us.

Tina: Fine.

Me: Thanks Bette. Now I feel kinda bad for hating your guts when you slept with Candace. Kinda.

Bette:…

Tina: (All sweet) You could never hate me, could you Nicole? (bats her eyelashes)

Me: Uh…look! Republicans!

(Bette and Tina look around)

Bette: Where?

Me: Forget it, that only works when you're looking for an escape mechanism. And FYI Tina, I don't hate you, I just hate your choices.

Bette: (Cough) Henry (Cough)

Tina: (lowers her eyes at Bette) (Cough) That top (Cough)

(Alice sticks her head in)

Alice: Sorry I'm late. Any-hoo, what'd I miss?

Tina: Well Nicole here- (I wave) suddenly decided to make the story all about us. (Alice smiles)

Bette: And by that she means just T and me.

(Alice looks hurt)

Alice: Oh, ok, I gotcha. No one wants ole Alice around. No one ever wants ole Alice around. (She runs out crying)

Bette: Should I go talk to her?

Me: No! We've got bigger things to worry about! First off, I think we need to find someway to get Tina back into girls.

Tina: That's a little unethical don't you think? I mean, what does it matter if I like girls or guys, just as long as I'm happy, right?

(Bette and I exchange an amused look then burst out laughing.)

Me: (slowly regaining my composure) Ah man, I mean it. You are fun-nay.

Bette: (crying a lil bit) I think I just peed a little.

Me: Thanks for sharing.

Bette: Anytime. Hey, I think we've done enough stalling to last us awhile. Can we get going again please?

Me: Fine, sheesh, you are way too bossy Porter. (I scratch my head) What were we doing?

Tina: Trying to make me a big-girl-lovin lez again.

Me: Right, right…I have the perfect plan. (evil smile)

…--…--…

(Tina's sitting tied to a chair and…get your minds outta the gutter!…anyway, and she's sitting in front of the TV. She looks sick.)

Tina: Turn it off! Please! Turn-it-off!

(Bette's shielding her eyes so she doesn't have to see the horror on the screen.)

Bette: You think she's had enough yet?

Me: (wiping my mouth of cuz I just threw up.) Gawd I hope so. (We untie her and she falls to the floor in a fetal position.) Seeing Nicolas Cage without his shirt on is enough to turn any woman gay. Hell, it's enough to turn any gay man straight.

Bette: I can't believe I slept with that guy. (Shudders)

Me: Hellloo, you didn't sleep with him. That was Jennifer Beals. And in her defense all she did was bite him…with her top off.

Bette: Same difference.

(We look down at Tina who is rocking back and forth.)

Tina: (muttering.) The horror. The horror.

Me: (I get down to her level) Uh oh, she's going into shock. Quick, put in something with Catherine Zeta Jones!

Bette: Why her? (She puts a hand on her hip.)

Me: Why not her? (I stand up straight again.)

Bette: Because I think she's a bitch. A bitch with a British accent. Like Helena.

Me: (I calm down) Oh, you have a point. Kay how bout Susan Sarandon?

Bette: Uh, eww?

Me: No, obviously not modern Susan. I'm talkin about from her earlier days. Like from the Rocky Horror Picture Show…

(Bette looks through a stack of movies.)

Bette: We don't have anything with her. How about Niaomi Watts?

Me: (Getting flustered.) You guys really need to update your collection. Whatever, just put it in.

(Alice runs in)

Alice: That's what she said!

(I throw something at her just as she runs out)

(Tina watches—whatever movie other than King Kong Niaomi has been in and starts to calm down.)

Bette: You think it worked?

Me: I dunno, go try it out.

(She goes over to Tina and whispers something in her ear. She smiles and they both push me out.)

Me: Hey! All my stuff is in…oh nevermind, I'll get it later. So-- I'll be here when you guys are finished! (I start walking off.)

(Muttering) I just gotta take care of something first.

…--…--…

(At a traintrack. I'm tying Henry to it.)

Henry: (hysterical) Who are you? Why are you doing this to me!

Me: I wouldn't be worrying about that now if I were you. In fact, I'd be worrying about how the hell I was going to get off these train tracks before the 10 o' clock shows up.

Henry: (crying) Well what time is it n--- (A train whistle blows not too far off.) (I laugh evilly.)

THE END…

That was bad…I'm very aware of that. But cut me some slack, there's not a whole lot to work with comically. Give it a few years. I should have some material then. Besides, I managed to waste 9 freakin pages with this crap. I'd like to see you do better. Plus! I got Bette and Tina back together with minimal problems. Beat that Ilene.

Innyway, PLEASE REVIEW! For the LOVE OF TINA! PLEASE-REVIEW!

Nicole.