Hoenheim of Light Saves the World with Giant Robots Piloted by his Sons

It has come to my attention that Gendo Ikari has nothing on Hoenheim. It's about to come to Ed's attention, too.

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Don't know why I come out here every year, Ed thought to himself as he stood at his mother's grave. She's as dead as last year, and it only makes me depressed.

A twig snapped behind him, and before he could process what was going on, his father, Hoenheim, laid some flowers down against the tombstone.

After a moment of reverent silence, Ed decided his mother would probably really like it if he made an attempt to see some good in his dad, so he nervously broke the ice. "You come out here too? I didn't know."

His father nodded, not taking his eyes from the grave. "Every year." Ed watched him, but he turned away, avoiding eye contact. "Edward, don't come looking for me anymore. You're old enough to stand on your own."

He may have said more, but was drowned out by a helicopter landing nearby. Ignoring the gusts of wind from the propellers, he walked up to the machine and climbed aboard, leaving Ed staring in shock as the machine flew away.

"Wait! Father!" he finally collected himself enough to chase after the aircraft. "What the hell were you talking about?"

Suddenly, Ed's pocket burst into Irish punk music. He stopped running and pulled a huge, bulky red cell phone out.

The Elric Brothers' Emergency hotline was a system designed by Envy, Ed, and Al to best deal with the problems that were sure to arise with the three of them and their unpredictable father figure. (Originally the "Of Light Brothers", they had found this too awkward.)

Ed ran up to his two brothers at their meeting place. "Guys, guys, the trippiest thing ever just happened to me!"

"Never mind that, chibi-kun, we've got a problem!" snapped Envy, cutting him off. "Dad's lost his mind."

"Again," Al added.

"I know," Ed started again, "I was just,"

"He wants us to pilot giant robots!" Envy interrupted.

"WHAT?"

"I told you, he's gone nuts!"

"You two are supposed to meet him at that old church that everybody knows secretly leads underground," Al informed his brother. "I don't have to, because I'm actually a trash can, not to mention dad kinda suspects that I am, in fact, the love child of mom and that guy who follows Lt. Ross around."

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Ed and Envy arrived on time, wanting to get this latest scheme of insanity over and done with as soon as possible, but Hoenheim was 1½ hours late. In fact, he didn't show up at all. A ditzy blond underling in a tubetop and sweat pants came in his stead and led them to Headquarters, located in the underground city that, for some reason, she referred to as "Central 3".

"Sorry about the wait, the Commander forgot about you," she beamed perkily.

"The Commander?" Envy gasped.

"Yup," nodded the woman, addressing herself to Envy more than Ed, who already knew her. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Winry Rockbell, I'll be your captain and roommate!" she smiled, bending forward to show off her breasts. "Note the cleavage."

Ed and Envy inched closer to each other.

"Winry! You can't hit on the pilots," admonished a bitchy looking woman.

"And this is Riza Hawkeye, an old bud of mine, a bitter old maid, and programmer to the 'bots. Technically, I should be the mechanic and she the captain, but my personality more closely matches Misato's, and she's a great Ritsuko, so there you have it."

Ed finally spoke up after they were introduced to the three lesser employees, Ross, Havoc, and Kimblee. "Winry, I've got to know, what are you doing here? I mean, Envy and I don't have much choice, but,"

"Well, Riza and the others are here on military orders, and I'm here because Granny was working here before she died and I wanted to be a part of what she was doing. It's an important operation, you guys should feel honored to be included. Oh, look, here's the Commander now. Hello, sir!" she switched to the high-pitched, condescending voice used to talk to the very young, very old, and very senile. "Look who came to see you. Now, I bet you three have lots to talk about, so I'll just leave you,"

"I'll come too!" offered a dark haired man who was following Hoenheim around. The pair of them bolted, leaving the two boys to their fate.

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