Hoenheim of Light Saves the World with Giant Robots Piloted by his Sons
Last Chapter: The Truth Is Out There
Well, well, here we are. This sure has been fun, huh? Especially for a crack fic that I wrote during a school assembly. Thank you all for reading and reviewing, and be sure to check out my profile after the show. (coughreviewwhorecough)
Envy had not yet found a way out of Central 3, but he figured he was close. He was looking for a utility entrance when he found Hughes working on a garden. "Hi, Envy!"
"What are you doing here?"
"Oh, I figured that since I was going to die, I might as well die doing something I enjoy. I enjoy my melons. Of course, I'd rather they were Winry's melons, but you can't have everything."
Envy chose not to think about this. "Why are you going to die?"
"Oh, it's simple. Hoho has found a replacement pilot for you, but he's unaware that the pilot is an original character. And that's dangerous, because HohoBots is keeping Hiromu Arakawa locked in the basement underneath Headquarters, and the minute that she comes in contact with an original character unrelated to her work, yet still living in the universe that she helped create, all hell will break loose, and the entire world will be destroyed. So," Hughes smiled, "I'm watering my melons."
Envy rolled his eyes. "If you think you're going to guilt-trip me into going back there and defending the world, you're wrong."
"What are you talking about?" Hughes asked, looking genuinely puzzled.
"Don't play games! I know that you're telling me all this hoping to tweak my conscience, so that I'll go back to save Lust and Sloth and Scar and Ed and Winry and all those other people that I've come to care about while stuck here, but you've got another thing coming!"
The gardener stared at him. "No, you just asked me what I was doing, so I told you—,"
"FINE! I'll do it!" Envy shrieked, heading back. "But don't think that you had anything to do with my decision. It's my own choice!"
"...whatever," Hughes shrugged, going back to his melons.
Ed did not look well rested when he was summoned to Headquarters, which Sloth was quick to pick up on.
"Wuthell keep you up?" she smirked. "Say, where is Wuthell?"
"Red alert!" yelled a panicked Winry (Hughes had told her about Hoho's nefarious scheme to kidnap the Holy Arakawa-Sensei). "Wuthell has stolen his Eva and used it to break into the basement! Edward! You have to stop him! We haven't fixed Sloth's unit yet, you're the only one we have!"
"Hurry, Pipsqueak!" a familiarly angry voice yelled. Ed and Sloth turned around.
"Envy! You came back?"
"Well, now we have to kill Wuthell," Sloth noted. "Otherwise, Envy's room is taken."
"You rented out my room?" Envy started indignantly. "I was only gone a week! But we'll talk about that later! Ed! You have to stop him from reaching the basement! If he gets there," Envy broke off with a shudder, and Ed decided he didn't want to compound the pressure by finding out what the deal with the basement was.
Wuthell, using his sweet Orig. skills, had made his Eva act separately, beating on Ed as he tried to climb down to the basement. It was eventually defeated (in a battle that I can't spare any time to describe), but it had bought the time that the boy needed to reach his destination. Ed was too late.
The tall young man shook his head disappointedly, staring at the man huddled in the corner of the room. "Hideaki Anno. I should have known."
Ed's Unit burst into the high-ceilinged room, his PA system announcing, "Wuthell, I really don't want to have to hurt you."
"But you have to, Edward. Don't you see? There is only room enough for one attractive, young, blond alchemist here. One of us must die to ensure the other's survival. I'd rather that you be the one to live."
"Well, if you insist," Ed sighed, picking up his rival and smushing him.
The poor kid was shaking when they unloaded him. "Father!" he screamed, struggling to get to Hoenheim. "This is it! Tell me what is going on! I have a right to know! Why is the creator of Evangelion: Neon Genesis in your basement? Where did these robots come from? Who the hell are we supposed to be fighting, if Scar and Wuthell were flukes?"
Hoenheim stuck out his tongue at his distressed son. "I'll never tell!"
"But I will," a deep voice behind him declared boldly. Roy stepped out from behind his superior officer. "HohoBots is a top-secret branch of the Amestris Military, started by Fuhrer King Bradley to defend the state in the event of a rabid fangirl attack. They were created by—,"
"Mustang! Don't say another word!" commanded the Commander.
"I'll say what I damn well please. I'm sick of you sleeping around!" he barked, re-addressing his audience. "The only creators he didn't sleep with were Scar's brother's fiancee, who built Scar's unit without our knowledge before her death, and Pinako, who built Envy's unit. Trisha designed Ed's,"
"No kidding?" Ed asked, amazed. "I can't imagine mom building anything more complicated than a model airplane."
"There was more to your mother than met the eye," Roy sighed. "That's probably why I loved her. Coughsubplotcough! After she died, just completing her work, your father took up with Izumi, who was building Sloth's unit."
"My unit?" Sloth asked. "But I hate that child-abusing cunt."
"Well, she hates you, if your sync rate is any indication," Riza countered. "I mean, you suck as a pilot."
"Ah, and I almost forgot about Hawkeye," Roy grinned. "The bitter old maid who followed in her mentor's (that is to say, Izumi's) footsteps. You hate Sloth, don't you? Because she's Trisha's homunculus,"
"Oh my god, she is?" Ed asked. Everyone else stared at him like, "well, duh."
"She's Trisha's homunculus," Roy continued. "And you can't stand it that Hoenheim is in love with her."
Sloth shuddered, and Ed and Envy hugged her protectively.
"Old Brad's been getting worried about what we're up to, so he sent Hughes along as a spy, hoping he could get some info out of his old flame, Winry. We knew about his mission, but we didn't say anything, because Hughes is basically an OK guy, and he did help us download some free music on our computers. But, when he didn't return, Bradley sent Wuthell, a fangirl... er, fanboy, of sorts. Created by yaoi alchemists. But they did too good a job. He loved Ed more than his own life." Ed shuddered. Sloth hugged him. "And there you have it."
"Fuyutsuki," Hoenheim growled, pulling out a gun.
"His name is ROY!" shouted everybody else present, pulling their military-issue handguns on him.
Hoenheim gulped, and smiled shakily at Ed. "You know, son, I always loved you—," he started, tossing his gun to the ground and leaping off the observation deck and running for the emergency exit beyond the robots.
"Stop him!" Roy yelled, leaning over the railing desperately. "He's got the keys to unlock the doors and get us out of this place!"
"Actually," Sloth said in her quiet little voice, from the back of the group. "I do." Everyone turned to her, and she held up a set of keys to prove it. "He left them in my room along with his glasses while attempting to seduce me. Now, why don't we untie that unfortunate man in the basement, free Lust and the other students, get Scar in a wheelchair, stop Hughes before he overwaters his garden, and get back to the real world?"
You could always count on Sloth to have things under control.
This Rendition of Evangelion Starred:
Hoenheim of Light as Gendo Ikari
Edward Elric and Envy as Shinji Ikari/Ausuka Langely Sohryu
Sloth as Rei Ayanami
Winry Rockbell as Misato Katsuragi
Riza Hawkeye as Ritsuko Akagi
Maes Hughes as Ryoji Kaji
Roy Mustang as Kozo Fuyutsuki
Jean Havoc as Makoto Hyuga,(the nerdy underling with the crush on Misato)
Maria Ross as Maya Ibuki, (the lesbian with the crush on Ritsuko)
Zolf Kimblee as Shigeru Aoba (the long-haired Nihilist/Metalhead)
Izumi Curtis as Naoko Akagi
Trisha Elric as Yui Ikari
Pinako as Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu
Scar as Toji Suzuhara
Lust as Class Rep. Hikari Horaki
An Ishbalan Kid as Kensuke Aida
Hiromu Arakawa as Adam
Hideaki Anno as Lillith
Introducing Wuthell as Kaworu Nagisa
And with Scar's Brother's Fiancé, Alphonse Elric, Gracia Hughes and Dante as themselves.
(All names come from the Cast list in the Eva entry in Wikipedia.)
(I'm not such a big dork that I knew them all off the top of my head.)
(But, you must of figured that, right?)
(I mean, I'm not that much of an otaku.)