Something Awful This Way Comes
Adam "Thesaurus" Kadmon
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion, or the tired ideas in this fic.
"Shinji, you idiot!" Asuka bellowed. "Where's my breakfast!"
It was the start of another wonderful day in the Katsuragi apartment. The sun was shining like it always did ever since humanity damned itself fifteen years ago, the birds were singing in a completely oblivious manner to the fact that humanity was damned, and those God damned cicadas just wouldn't shut up.
And within the apartment that the two Eva pilots and their commanding officer shared another kind of natural beauty was to be found. The beauty of sweet, sweet female on male violence. The kind that never gets old. No matter how many times you see it. No matter how many times it is blown out of proportion or used as a plot device. It's just that sweet.
In what was fast becoming a daily, nay, hourly ritual, Asuka cursed her favorite punching bag, this time for daring to sleep while one of her whims went unmet. The nerve of the boy, actually taking time for himself when her belly wasn't one hundred percent full. Punishment was required.
"Shinji, you idiot!" the redhead yelled again. "Get your lazy ass out of bed or so help me I'll continue to belittle and physically abuse you until judgment day, which knowing the times we live in, could be tomorrow!"
When a thunderous volley of punches on his door did not produce the errant Third Children, Asuka decided it was finally time to break in that axe she bought the other day. Soon the only barrier between Shinji and the horror which has no name was a pile of kindling, which the unnamed horror would make good use of in the upcoming hedgehog spit roast.
Her plans for said murder and cannibalization of her roommate faltered as she found him on his bed, eyes closed, blissfully unaware of anything and everything around him. Asuka, despite herself, blushed. He just looked so… peaceful and gentle asleep. The dorky cowardice and pathetic meekness of his waking persona were gone, replaced with the hidden delicateness of his facial features, the soft curve of his jaw, the subtle arc of his lips…
She shook her head violently in disgust. What was she thinking! Kaji was the only one for her! Who could ever look at this idiot and think he was attractive? Who? Who I ask, who? Who could ever take note of the soft, subtle curves of his face, the tender feathered touch of his bangs draping over his forehead, the puckered, inviting way his smooth lips vibrated gently as he breathed, that tight little ass he always paraded around that just begged to be squeezed…
She peeked at him again.
If only he could grow some stubble…
In an act of uncharacteristic humanity, Asuka found his face floating up towards her own as she bent down, the idea of re-enacting their previous kiss taking her mind and body hostage ala a seriously depraved version of the Dummy system. One Gendo no doubt thought about at some point.
Subconsciously, Asuka's less than "good" side (read: evil) congratulated her. This was the perfect crime. Not like that last, regrettable descent into trite teenage romantic angst. This was a new descent into trite teenage romantic angst. Naturally, she'd be in control this time, too.
Soon she was so close to his face she could feel his breath playing on her cheek, she could smell which shampoo he used last night, she could hear what song he was listening to on his SDAT.
She could see the deep blue of his eyes as he looked up at her.
"What are you doing?" Shinji asked, now awake.
Asuka leapt back as gracefully as she could given the small area of his room and current state of emotional strangulation. Despite her position she effortlessly thought of an excuse.
"Ah ha!" she proclaimed, triumphant. "Just as I thought! You're listening to Beethoven, you pervert!"
"What? How on earth does listening to Beethoven make me a pervert?"
"Beethoven was German," Asuka said, sounding like she was speaking to a toddler. "I'm German. Ergo, you were thinking about me with your eyes closed, which is an obvious indicator of sexual perversion!"
It never failed to amaze Shinji how his roommate could turn anything into concrete evidence of his oft-cited depravities. Even the time he stubbed his toe on the coffee table. Or the time he accidentally cut off his index finger while chopping vegetables for dinner. Or the time he caught her peeking in when he was bathing. Somehow, it was always his fault. He never questioned the validity of that reality, he simply made do. That way he was less likely to sustain grievous bodily harm.
"Stupid pervert!" Asuka spat out. "Get your scrawny behind to the kitchen and whip something up. I'm starving!"
"Sorry, Asuka, but it's Sunday, right?" Shinji mumbled, wiping the sleep from his eyes and plucking his SDAT phones out. "It's Misato-san's turn to cook breakfast, remember?"
The inevitable recrimination and beating died instantly. Asuka went pale, and her eyes adopted a haunted, glassy look.
"I…" She swallowed hard. "I thought I took her name of the cooking roster."
In reality, she had taken her own name off as well. As well as every other chore. Actually, Misato had excused herself too. And Shinji being… well, Shinji, had accepted it wholeheartedly. Which makes what he just said completely ridiculous. But it moves the story to the promised parody.
Penpen chose that exact moment, the moment I stopped caring, to burst into Shinji's room and topple over, covered in an unidentifiable green slime. He used his flippers to crawl a few more inches, then passed out completely. His beak cracked open and the soft, strangled gurgles of an unconscious warm water penguin filled the room.
"What happened to him?"
"Asuka? Shinji?" Misato called from the kitchen. "Penpen ran away from me. I need a new taste-tester for my special breakfast casserole. Hurry up, before it escapes."
There were very few things that frightened Asuka. Not being able to pilot, being surpassed by anyone in anything, and non-Kaji males were first and foremost. But something that was making a serious stake in the cold prickly department was her guardian's attempts at food preparation. If heaven hath no fury like an Angel gutted, Asuka's stomach hath no violently debilitating intestinal trauma like Misato's cooking.
Conversely, there were very few things that did not frighten Shinji. Not being able to pilot, being depressed, and… well, that's it. Incidentally, what was fast becoming his number one fear, i.e., Asuka, was currently making sure she retained her rightful place in the boy's phobia ranking.
"Shinji," she cooed, entirely too sweetly for someone whose primary source of recreation was inflicting physical pain, "I know you want to help me out here and tend to our deranged guardian, right? Or… am I mistaken?"
The subtle act of cracking her knuckles did wonders to ensure that, yes, Shinji wanted nothing more than to help his fellow pilot and dear, dear friend.
"No! I'll go!"
Shinji sprang out of bed and ran from the room, leaving Asuka to unconsciously admire his backside.
But what awaited him in the small kitchen was far worse than any Angel, any childhood trauma, any possible physical contact. It was a war zone. A living hell not to be duplicated, whether by mortal man or Angelic entity.
The tile of the floor had vanished beneath a carpet of broken dishes and cooking pans. The table was upended, knives and cooking implements skewering it like a dart board. Both refrigerators were toppled onto their sides spilling hills of snacks, beer and avian pornography across the room. One of the stove burners was on fire. The sink appeared to be clogged with some type of green blood.
And at the center of the storm was Misato, wielding a gun in one hand, a comically oversized mallet in the other. Facing off against her was a writhing, slimy demon from hell. Or another failed cooking experiment from the oven. Sometimes it was hard to tell.
"Good morning, Misato-san," the boy said with indescribable weariness.
The only reason Shinji didn't lock all the cupboards and forbid Misato from ever cooking again was the fact that his guardian told him her descents into culinary madness helped "even her out," whatever that meant. But if it possibly lessened the major's stress levels, Shinji was all for it. Not because he was a considerate, kind human being. Oh no. It was to ensure he never again had to bail her out of jail at three a.m. after a drunken bar brawl, or fill out all her paperwork as her unofficial assistant, or stage another fake wedding to take advantage of Tokyo-3's lucrative marriage incentives.
That, and he was hoping a little practice in the kitchen would help her land a decent boyfriend. Shinji was by no means sexist, but he knew a girl who could cook was a pretty hot commodity, at least among the males he talked to. Kaji seemed to show an interest, bless his courageous heart. And if Misato was occupied with a man, Shinji hoped she'd leave him alone. The casual, vaguely off-color suggestions that he grow a ponytail, coupled with the sensual way she combed his hair with her fingers and slightly ribald tales of how much women (she stressed that word a lot) liked them were getting to be distracting.
He kept reminding her that he was still a teenager, and that women shouldn't care what his hair was like. That usually got her to leave him alone and get drunk by herself in her room, but he was always wary of allowing his hair getting too long. Monthly trims were a necessity. He silently thanked whatever God controlled the onset of puberty every morning he found his jaw free of stubble.
But he digressed.
"Shinji-kun!" Misato said, beaming. Her smile was still in place even as she emptied her sidearm into the gelatinous monster climbing out of the oven. "I'm so happy to see you. And why aren't you in your maid uniform?"
"It's in the wash." He gestured to the mass of tentacles she was fighting. "What's that?"
"Breakfast, once I incapacitate it. Grab a skillet and aim for the eyes."
Shinji wondered, yet again, how the same ingredients he used to successfully create culinary marvels every morning could be perverted by another into a living, writhing monstrosity whose sole purpose was to seek out human life and destroy it. The boy took up arms and tiredly stared back into one of the blinking eyes of the breakfast evil, preparing to dive into combat.
"Just another normal day," Shinji muttered.
Ayanami Rei was a girl of sensibilities. Her entire life was ruled by logic and rationality, qualities instilled in her by her singularly unique existence. She was taught from a very early age that her behavior was a reflection of her mind, and that her mind must remain calm, unperturbed, stoic. No petty emotions must be allowed to disrupt her carefully crafted apathy, lest she loose control of her, and by extension, every other human's fate. Discipline, self-control, order and restraint were her watchwords. She discovered that blind obedience to authority figures was the easiest way to distance herself from those pesky feelings, and in time she was able to become as she was instructed to be.
Emotionless. Detached. Unaffected. Indifferent. Beyond the concerns of mere humans. Her life was lived out in a comfortable, cold void beyond the range and scope of the normal yearnings that afflicted those around her.
Which was why she was so troubled now. Despite her strictly trained mind, or perhaps because of it, Rei was struggling with new emotions and unfamiliar feelings. True, since the war against the Angels began she was forced to interact with many more people than she was used to, and the regrettable onset of puberty was no doubt partially to blame, but those reasons alone were not the end all and be all of the problem. They were without a doubt parts, but not the whole.
The whole in this instance was a person. To her it was not surprising. People had invoked very different and confusing feelings inside her throughout her life. Take, for instance, when major Katsuragi offered to have her move into her apartment. The first and sustaining emotion the proposal elicited was disgust. Being associated with Dr. Akagi for so many years had afforded Rei far too many lurid tales of the major's habits and lifestyle. In some cases the pale girl found that living alone in absolute squalor had its merits.
The doctor. There was another specimen of interest. And by interest Rei meant disgust. If she had to listen to that woman complain about the commander's new definition for the term "entry plug" or her assistant's unhealthy love for Sanrio one more time Rei was going to use her AT field for something other than keeping all of her limbs attached to her body.
With lieutenant Ibuki, again the emotion was disgust. The young tech's penchant for pink was physically revolting to the albino. Pink was nothing more than a bastardized, deviant form of red.
Which brought her to Asuka. Disgust was both immediate and sustaining.
The redhead's image brought Rei to the subject of most of her thoughts lately, that being a small, shy, yet infinitely appealing matter.
Dismembering the Second Children.
But other than that she thought of the German's roommate and her fellow Eva pilot, and the source of her current woes, Ikari Shinji. And yet again with the Third Children, the initial emotion was disgust. The commander had instructed her quite often that all boys were, to use a technical term, "icky." The invisible fear of cooties terrified Rei. After all, she lived in a world where clones, giant robots, alcoholic military officers and warm-water penguins ran amok. What was so unthinkable about gender-based infections?
But as she grew to know the young Ikari, almost in the Biblical sense, new and confusing emotions became attached with the shy boy. From disgust grew irritation. She first believed his return would divert the commander's attentions away from her. If anything, their reunion had the opposite effect, pushing the elder Ikari deeper into the recesses of purposeful child neglect and his obsessive pursuit of the perfect glare.
From irritation came tolerance. If the boy, who she had spoken no more than a handful of cryptic lines to, was willing to burn his hands for her, he must be at the very least worthy of her acknowledging his existence, right? Too bad her injuries caused an uncontrollable muscle spasm in her face which made her smile. Well, he seemed to enjoy it, so it wasn't a total disaster.
Tolerance grew into cautious association. Defending her against the Second, staring at her in class, acknowledging her presence, willingly speaking to her, cleaning her apartment, delousing her clothes… all of Shinji's actions seemed to further ingrain the boy in Rei's thoughts. In a favorable way. Thankfully this wasn't shaping up to be another regrettable affiliation like her stint in the Albino Defamation League.
Skipping over a few interpersonal relationship steps, their link then evolved, to borrow a technical term from the major, to hot unbridled lust. At least that was as close as she could define it in mere words. Though she wasn't quite sure if he felt the same way. Regrettably, the younger Ikari seemed a bit skittish regarding sexuality. She blamed the harpies he lived with for that. Or the fact that he did not have a suitable male role model in life. Rei had the luxury of two morally deviant adults in her life, Gendo and Ritsuko, and they afforded the pale girl all sorts of advantages in dealing with the real world, sometimes with the benefit of visual aids and charts. And Rei was itching to break out the handcuffs and cat outfits her elders so loved. The mental image of Ikari-kun in fuzzy ears gave her a giddy thrill.
But would he feel the same? Would he help explain these strange emotions that churned within her? Could he help her? Would he be adverse to whips, chains and hot wax?
Rei considered all these things, but could not reach any satisfactory conclusion. Like always. Instead, she temporarily pushed the thoughts from her mind and made a promise to herself to speak with Ikari tomorrow regarding the things he seemed to stir up within her.
"School is such a frickin' drag!" Touji wailed.
"I love the military!" Kensuke screamed at the top of his lungs.
"Get in your seats! Rise! Bow! Get back in your seats again!" Hikari yelled.
The supporting cast character types established, the prerequisite "normal school day before a horrific attack" scene opened.
"And so at the turn of the century I was a construction worker helping to rebuild the Tokyo Tower after its five thousandth and twenty-seventh destruction at the hands of poorly dressed super humans with needlessly complex personal relationships…"
Thus the teacher began, his senile drone announcing the beginning of his daily lecture, and by extension, any number of naps, meals, make-out sessions and of course inane, pointlessly long instant message conversations.
Shinji's computer sounded, announcing the start of such a conversation.
BallBoy04: Hey, Shin-man, were didya get dat bruise on yer cheek? The Devil give ya another love tap? (attaches "blushing/dead" emoticon)
IMJob01: I wish you'd stop calling me that, Touji. And no, I just got a few wounds this morning helping Misato-san subdue breakfast again.
BallBoy04: God! Misato is so hot! (attaches "steam from ears" emoticon) Ya gotta be gay not to hit dat sweet ass up.
IMJob01: Why must everyone assume I'm gay just because I don't drool over every attractive woman I see? If I did I'd be reduced to a slobbering beast every time I entered NERV. And why do you insist on phonetically spelling out the way you speak?
UnitKen99: I love Eva!
CrimsonValkyrie02: Touji, you big fat asshole. If anyone's gay it would have to be you. Just look at your IM name. Dork. (attaches "gay" emoticon to BallBoy04)
BallBoy04: I am not gay! It's to show everyone how good I am at sports. Besides, it's better than yers, Devil. Who names themselves after a dated anime mech? (attaches "loser" emoticon)
UnitKen99: I love Eva so much!
BrownNose22: Touji is not gay!
CrimsonValkyrie02: He shows all the classic signs of a closeted male. Overcompensating for a fear of lowered masculinity through sports, competing with other males to prove how manly he is, hitting on every woman within spitting distance, hanging around with other blatantly closeted males…
UnitKen99: I love Eva!
IMJob01: God, send me an Angel.
ARei00: You called, Ikari-kun?
IMJob01: Ayanami? An Angel? Well, I guess I can kind of see it, but only in the classical sense of the word. She is ethereal, and awfully beautiful, especially when she smiles… Oh God! I'm typing my inner monologue!
ARei00: … beautiful?
CrimsonValkyrie02: WHAT? What the hell was that? You think short, cold and blue over there is beautiful? That's ludicrous! Especially when you have me! Uh, I mean… I hate you! I hate everything!
CrimsonValkyrie02 has left the chat room
BallBoy04: Shin-man, you dog! Hittin on Ayanami when yer gettin the red Devil at home! Hey now!
UnitKen99: I love Eva!
BrownNose22: Ayanami's so lucky…
BallBoy04: Damn! Ikari's gettin the class rep too? He is all about the ladies today!
BrownNose22: No! I don't mean him! Uh, I mean, erm, ah, darn it!
BrownNose22 has left the chat room and is silently crying
ARei00: … beautiful?
IMJob01: God! Why must every single situation I experience with other people become so emotionally scarring? I—
IMJob01 has left the chat room due to being struck in the head with a desk by CrimsonValkyrie02
BallBoy04 has left the chat room due to being struck with the same desk on rebound
UnitKen99: I love Eva!
UnitKen99 has left the chat room since no one really cares about him
ARei00: … beautiful?
ARei00 has left the chat room to stare out the window, albeit with a light blush on her cheeks.
And then the Angel alert sounded, to thankfully end this section.
The newest and most unscheduled Angel yet lumbered into Tokyo-3. From a mere glance it might have looked no different than, let's say, Sachiel. But to the careful observer numerous, smaller differences could be seen. For one, it had a far more menacing face. And glowing eyes, which always signify strength. And it had tons of spikes jutting out over its body. Oh, and big leathery bat wings. And what the hell, it had a mane of liquid fire. Plus, it was like totally stronger than any other Angel ever.
The three pilots rocketed to the surface of the city, the giant entities they rode in bending to their will. Asuka reached ground level first, and proceeded to rub it in the faces of her two fellow pilots. Shinji merely sighed, suffering in silence. Rei tilted her head.
"Why must pilot Soryu make everything into a competition? Especially synchronization scores. I do not wish to meet whoever dwells within Unit-00, as a higher score would afford."
"Rei!" Ritsuko chastised from within NERV. "What have I told you about blabbing secrets? Don't make me choke some obedience into you!"
Old hag, the albino thought.
Shinji missed the exchange, playing next-gen hearts inside Unit-01's cockpit. Asuka missed it since she never listens to anyone anyway. Everyone else was… well who cares.
Just then the Angel reminded everyone of the life and death struggle that had yet to take place by blowing up a few buildings. Attention was diverted from character drama back to giant robot action. Battle music, complete with horns, a full string section, and the prerequisite electric guitar was cued up. And the first to answer its call was, without surprise…
"I'm the number one pilot," Asuka boasted without any actual proof. "I'll make short work of this loser."
Unit-02 rushed into battle, heedless of orders and common sense. The red mech's arms, legs, head, shoulders and hips were promptly removed from its body in a showy display of power from the new Angel. Unit-02 began to bleed everywhere, like a giant faulty sprinkler system.
"Asuka!" Shinji shouted. "Why is your unit's blood blue?"
That got everyone thinking. Why was it blue? Sure, the first Angel that appeared in Tokyo-3 had blue blood, but after that every enemy had red blood. Same for the Evas. Ritsuko put the MAGI to task in order to solve the mystery.
But she had unfortunate timing, as the new Angel did not wait for the supercomputers to finish their job, and attacked. Specifically, it set its sights on Rei. Of course, that's assuming it had sights. In any event, Rei braced for battle. And was shocked out of her trademark facial necrosis when Shinji jumped in front of her to take the blow.
Unit-01, with a razor sharp talon lodged in its stomach, collapsed in pain. Rei took the opportunity, not to attack the temporarily immobilized Angel like she should have, but to ponder the young Ikari's curious behavior.
He protected me, he speaks with me where others turn and flee in terror, he attempts friendship, he felt me up, he called me beautiful… could… could this feeling he gives me be… love?
Might be, but the middle of a battle for the fate of humanity is the worst possible place for an emotional epiphany. As the giant monster bearing down on her attributed to.
Shinji, slowly losing consciousness from the unimaginable pain, buckled into a heap of robotic limbs.
"I… need to stop being so heroic," he groaned. "Especially when my actual character was so self-involved and cowardly."
Despite that he struggled up to try and protect Rei again, even though technically she had the most experience among the Children. Still, it helped instill traditional sex roles in a new generation.
But Rei, in a move born of motherly and/or soul mate type bravery, rushed before Unit-01 and absorbed the Angel's attack in full.
"Rei!" Gendo yelled, making sure he wasn't forgotten in this story.
"Ayanami!" Shinji yelled, furthering the Oedipal complex angle.
The Angel reared back, dark fire lighting its eyes, in a seemingly taunting demeanor. It picked up the broken Unit-00 by its head, and slugged the blue mech in its face.
"Ow," Rei said.
Another blow to the face silenced the First Children.
One more sent it tumbling out of the Angel's grasp and into a shattered building.
No more reached their target.
"That's enough," Shinji growled through clenched teeth, gripping his control yokes. "I will kill you."
Unit-01, in typical "controlled" berserker fashion grew a mouth and teeth, and roared in fury, causing several nearby structures to implode. Including the weapon cache, meaning he was now completely unarmed.
But since he was now crazy mad, and because every other pilot had already fallen, thereby making him the sole hope for survival, Shinji didn't need anything but the mech-tacular punches he soon began delivering on the Angel's face.
"Impossible!" Ritsuko shouted from Central Dogma in a brief cut from the action to build dramatic tension and impart a needed explanation for the turn of events.
"It can't be!" Maya yelled behind her. "Shinji-kun's synch rate is over one thousand percent!"
"How incredibly stupid!" the doctor told her. "Anything over one hundred percent shouldn't be mathematically possible for an operating system!"
"Yes! I know! But it adds to the drama! Just like people shouting important information!"
"I see! Thank you!"
Back on the battlefield the Angel stumbled backwards, firing off a few cross flares in a desperate attempt to escape the demonic Unit-01, who during the break in the action had grown energy wings, since they look sort of cool.
"You'll have to do better than that," Shinji taunted/growled, completely breaking character but at the same time adopting the expected "bad ass" persona that a huge power-up calls for. He swatted away the Angel's pathetic attempts at self preservation and helped himself to his foe's left arm, which snapped off like a chicken wing.
The battle, if one could call it that, degenerated into a one sided slap fest after that, with Unit-01 pummeling the Angel senseless. It seems all that was needed to subdue a ridiculously powerful Angel was a male. Hooray for sexism.
Seeing as I hate writing action, just then the Angel exploded, as they were sometimes wont to do, in a giant cross flare. Which physically shouldn't even be theoretically possible. Eat it, Christianity.
Back in NERV, Misato celebrated the victory by helping herself to a six pack with a bourbon chaser. Kaji celebrated by groping a few unsuspecting female techs, before joining the major in an inebriated heap on the floor.
"Sex fiends," Maya muttered. She then proceeded to try and get Ritsuko drunk in a secluded closet.
"We'll have to redraw the map again," Fuyutsuki groaned, observing the destruction on screen.
Everyone who wasn't drunk and still conscious cheered.
"We love it when you say that! Quick, let's drop an N2 bomb on something!"
The aged sub-commander sighed as another portion of the city was decimated by an explosion. Suddenly a new alarm sounded, signifying that the Tokyo-3 municipal zoning board was calling to complain and demand more money yet again.
"Fuyutsuki," Gendo said, his voice muffled by that damn hand bridge of his, "I leave this to you." He escaped from Central Dogma via that hilarious little personal lift behind his seat.
The old man sighed again.
And I left teaching for this?
Back on the battlefield, Shinji had calmed sufficiently from his blood lust, and hopped out of Unit-01 injury free. He took stock of the destroyed city, most notably Unit-02 in a puddle of blue blood, and Unit-00 hanging out of a collapsed building. Seeing as he was the only pilot not brutally beaten up, and since he was a male, Shinji scampered off to rescue his fellow Children. And because Rei was closer, and I prefer that pairing, he aided her first.
Wearing the oven mitts he now kept with him at all times, just in case of scalding hot plug hatches, Shinji opened Unit-00's entry plug.
"Ayanami?" he cried, as he was apt to do. "Are you okay?"
Rei, completely breaking character, smiled.
"Thank you, Ikari-kun. For so many things."
Not content to only breaking character, Rei decided to shatter it. By reaching up with one hand to stroke Shinji's face. He blushed, as he was apt to do.
"Ikari-kun," Rei breathed, leaning towards him. "Would you… wear glasses for me?"
Both the sultry way she said it, and the request itself mystified him. He was on the verge of agreeing to absolutely anything she said, when a shrill yell sounded behind him.
"Shinji, you idiot!"
It was Asuka, who had somehow managed to claw her way from her brutalized mech. She stood on the street below, watching the tender exchange between her two fellow pilots with something akin to righteous indignation.
"How could you?" the redhead cried. "Fraternizing with little miss frosty pants! Are you blind? Haven't you realized the only reason I lust after Kaji is because I know he'll never reciprocate my overtures? And haven't you noticed how I pound on you every chance I get? Don't you know it's the only way I can truly show my inner most feelings?"
Shinji scratched his head. If beating him senseless was what she felt in her heart, he supposed it made a kind of sense. He nearly had an equal amount of physical scars to go along with the emotional ones.
"Asuka," he said, clueless as ever, "what are you saying?"
Suddenly and inexplicably feeling that her pride was overrated, Asuka jumped into Shinji's arms.
"Shinji you idiot! Now that there's the risk of you being with another girl, I can forget Kaji-san and his bubbling sexual appeal! Because I just realized I love you!"
She then proceeded to lay a big wet kiss on the stunned young man. At first, Shinji was stiff in her arms, unresponsive and shocked. But as Asuka's lips remained on his, he gradually warmed up to her, taking charge and reciprocating with wild passion despite his total lack of experience. The redhead moaned under him. She never expected him to be this good. It was like a gentle flowing orgasm was spilling from his lips, filling her with burning excitement. She felt her heart awakening to true love. Which conveniently drowned out her pride, her arrogance, her anger, her instability, her mental trauma, her disdain of womanhood, her hatred of sex, and her intelligence. Shinji just had that kind of effect on chicks.
"Hey," Rei said, prying Asuka off and latching onto Shinji. "I saw him first. Get your own Ikari."
The albino then fulfilled several million fanboy's dreams by smooching Shinji, showing remarkable comprehension and foreknowledge of kissing. The embrace lasted until Asuka, having recovered her bottomless well of fury, tore Rei from the boy, itching for a fight.
"Let's go!" the redhead cried, burning with fighting spirit. "Shinji and his amazing lips are mine! I'll fight you to the death for them!"
"Bring it," Rei calmly said. "I shall not willingly abandon the new realm of emotions that only Ikari-kun can make me feel. I would rather die first. I shall forsake my commander, my purpose and my fate, all for him."
Shinji impulsively grabbed both girls, hugging them affectionately to either side of his chest, effectively ending the would-be catfight.
"Oh, cruel fate!" he said, suddenly poetically melodramatic. "Two beauties, as unique as night and day, fire and ice. My tender heart is torn in two! Who shall I give myself to?"
"We'll wait forever while you decide!" the girls told him, gazing up at Shinji with adoration.
Just then for no reason, Unit-01 spit up Ikari Yui, who promptly dusted herself off and approached her son.
"Shin-chan!" she gushed. "I'm back to knock some sense into your deadbeat dad and be a family with you once again! Forget my desire to achieve scientific brilliance and eternal life. As long as I have my cowardly son and insane husband, I'll be perfectly content! Also, for convenience's sake, Rei is not my clone!"
"I feel my clinical and lifelong depression lifting!" Shinji exclaimed. "And my libido has returned. In force!"
"Hooray!" the girls cheered.
Yui wiped away a stray tear.
"My little boy is becoming a man. Praise be to God."
Lilith chose that moment to rise from the Geofront, after separating Adam from Gendo's hand. The giant Angel stared down at the group assembled before Unit-00, and offered a friendly wave.
"Hey there, kids!" Lilith said. "I'm just here to say my children will stop attacking you, and I'm leaving forever with my hubby. Take care!"
She levitated into the sky, flying until she was nothing but a puffy white speck on the horizon.
"How wonderfully dues ex machina!"
After a sustained, but dramatic sigh while looking towards the heavens, Gendo took the moment to crawl onto the street, still missing a hand, and intent on releasing some frustration on his wimpy child.
"Damn women," he growled. "It's always something with them. Always taking things. My time, my money, my glasses, my hot monkey love, and now good old righty. How will my hand bridge survive?"
Then he spotted his son, flanked by two beauties, as well as his own lost love.
"Yui-chan!" He ran towards her with open arms. "It's been years and—"
Yui kneed him in the crotch.
"That's for abandoning our child," she said. She then bent down and kissed her husband. "That's for looking so damn hot doing it."
"Hooray," Gendo choked out, tears streaming down his face. "We're a family again." He turned to his son, still clutching his two loves to his chest. "Shinji, your mother's knee to my manhood has shown me the folly of my evil ways. Can you ever forgive me for dumping you at your uncle's shack, forcing you to fight against giant monsters, manipulating you and your closest friends, being involved with the slaughter of half the human race, being responsible for damning the other half, cheating on your mother twice, instilling fear and paranoia throughout the city and the world, stunting both yours and Rei's emotional growth, charging five dollars for a cup of coffee at headquarters, ruining my teacher's reputation, selling naked pictures of the Children on the internet to fund my insane experiments, and otherwise being a total bastard?"
"Sure," Shinji said.
And they all lived happily ever after. Until Kaworu popped up and made Shinji question his sexuality. But since a disgusting majority of writers and readers are homophobic and narrow minded, he eventually wound up with Asuka. Or Rei. Whatever.
Stop the clichés!
Author notes: no, really. Stop them.
Not that I'm one to talk. I'm as guilty as the next guy. But I wanted to try and collect as many standards as I could and create a single terrible story. I warned you it would be bad. You can only blame yourself now. And me. I deserve it.
Fact: I have a horrific time coming up with titles for my fics. Second fact: I suck at endings. I tried to make this one as lame as possible. I think it worked.