TG/N: I do not own The Office. This story doesn't have a definite placeholder except, I guess after Drug Testing, before Conflict Resolution. Also, I prefer to write stories where Pam is unaware of Jim's feelings. Also, yes, I have watched The Office BBC.

Installment One: Persona Non Grata


Fr: Corporate
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees
RE: Persona non grata

To Whom It May Concern:

Let it be known that Regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Michael G. Scott's status has been updated to persona non grata. Anyone assisting Mr. Scott onto the premises and/or informing him of the daily going ons of the office will face severe punishment. It is asked that as employees, you continue to work as usual and not allow the situation at hand to affect work ethic. In the mean time, the residing Human Resources leader will fill in for Mr. Scott until a replacement is found, or the situation is neutralized. Also, until further notice, the second quarter camaraderie event will be cancelled. If there are any questions or comments, bring them up with HR.

Jan Levinson
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager
Head Offices, NY

Fr: Kelly Kapoor
To: Ryan Howard
RE: Persona non grata?

Hey, did you get the e-mail from Corporate too? From where I'm at, it's hard to keep up with the office gossip. I miss when Jim sat back here. Toby doesn't talk much, plus, he had to relocate to Michael's office for the takeover. I wonder what Michael did that has kicked him off premises. It's weird considering all the other offensive things he's done. I wonder what finally sent Corporate over the edge? Anyway, e-mail me back if you hear anything.

Love,
Kelly ;)

P.S.: You may want to check out your other e-mail address. I tried sending this message to you, only, it said I was blocked which was totally weird. Anyway, I had to send this through your company account. Just a heads up.

P.P.S.: Are we still on for tomorrow? Please say yes because this week has been anything but entertaining. I'm still trying to get the image of Dwight gallivanting around the office without his pants on. There is no way that's an ancient German defense tactic, and even if it is, why would you do it in the office?

Fr: Creed Bratton
To: Meredith
RE: Faxes

Could you fax this price sheet for oak tag to the post office? They were interested in the pricing range for 8"x 10" sheets, but wanted to make sure it wasn't too pricey. Thank you very much.

Creed

Fr: Meredith
To: Creed Bratton
RE: Faxes

First of all, Creed, I'm pretty sure you have to fax things on your own time. Second, if anyone would be in charge of faxes, it would be reception. Since you probably wouldn't know, I do not work in reception. That would be Pam. Her e-mail address is attached.

Meredith

P.S.: If you would, don't e-mail me again. Ever

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Toby
RE: Michael

Salutations, Toby:

Upon checking my e-mail, as I do every morning as soon as I come in (wouldn't want to waste valuable sales time) I came across a letter from Corporate with startling information. While I am grieving for Michael's condition, as I'm sure we all are, I cannot help but ask why it is that it was you and not I, assistant regional manager, who was given full responsibility in Michael's absence. I'm not saying that you are not qualified; I am just saying that I am higher up than and much better than you. I am even more upset that I was not made aware of this situation beforehand. Contact me immediately.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Phyllis Lapin
RE: Persona non grata

Hey, Phyllis, you wouldn't happen to know why Michael's been banned from the office, would you? I can think of a number of reasons (and they all, coincidentally, occurred in just a day's time) why he might have been, but I figured that if I wanted cold, hard facts, I should come to the mistress of gossip herself.

Sincerely,
Pam

Fr: Kevin Malone
To: Oscar Martinez
RE: Michael

Why do you think Michael's persona non grata?

Kevin

Fr: Oscar Martinez
To: Kevin Malone
RE?

Kevin, why are you emailing me when we sit right next to each other? Just talk to me.

Oscar

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: I must be dreaming

Hey, did you get the corporate e-mail concerning Michael too? What's the deal with that? You can tell I'm flabbergasted because I had to utilize the italics. The only other piece of information (besides the cancellation of the second quarter camaraderie event which, I'm not going to lie to you, Pam, has cut me deeply) that had me worked up was the information that Michael might be coming back if SNAFU is solved altogether. Then again, Dwight may be fired because what are the chances that he's not communicating with Michael? Maybe Shakespeare had a point when he said opposites existed in everything, you know, with the whole cancellation and firing thing. I—actually, Pam, you know what? If I'm not given time to grieve properly about the camaraderie event, I'm going to piss myself. Whether out of grief or sheer irony is yet to be determined.

Bored at only 10AM,
Jim

P.S.: I think I might boost Dwight's morale today with some inspirational messages. He can't be all that happy over Toby getting Michael's spot.

P.P.S.: The purpose of Business Casual Friday (or Biz-Cas-Fri, as Strong Bad puts it) is to leave your inhibitions to the wind. I'm afraid trading your Keds for sandals does not count as risk-taking, no matter how nice the sandals are. You have failed me, Beesly. I can never forgive you unless you're willing to dish out the dirt on Michael Snot.

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: I must be dreaming

P.P.P.S: I hate Todd Packer.

Fr: Kevin Malone
To: Oscar Martinez
RE: I would talk to you but . . .

. . . Angela keeps looking at us, waiting to yell. So again I ask: do you know anything about Situation Michael?

Kevin

Fr: Stanley Hudson
To: Wife
RE: Tonight

My boss isn't allowed into the building today. When I get home, we're going out to celebrate tonight.

Love,
Stanley

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: N/A

Cock

Fr: Ryan Howard
To: Kelly Kapoor
RE: Persona non grata

As it looks, everyone in the office received the e-mail. To be brutally honest, I have no idea what happened with Michael, and I'm kind of hoping it stays that way. Anything that stops him from coming in contact with me is okay in my book. Sorry I couldn't be for more help. Also, sorry about the other email address. I'll check that out.

Ryan

P.S.: I won't be able to make it Saturday. I have a seminar to attend concerning my business classes. I'm really sorry.

Fr: Toby
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees
RE: Warning

This is just a notice letting you guys (the staff) know that a couple of security guards will be placed in and outside of the office. Given that Mr. Scott's status is persona non grata, as well as his past history, the guards are here for a worst case scenario. All I am asking of the employees is that you all at accordingly. That means, Dwight, keep your pants on.

Thanks,
Toby

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Malfeasance

Damn it, Jim, that is NOT FUNNY! Failure to use the e-mail privilege in a mature, adult-like manner will result in punishment. Why can't you just act like a normal human being? You are so ridiculous.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: Have you ever considered stand-up?

"Why can't you just act like a normal human being?"

You mean like you? You're too cute, Dwight.

Jim Halpert
Better at Sales Than You
Dunder Mifflin—Normalheights, PA

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Urgent!

Oh, my God! I am so sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. Michael actually sent me a voicemail, outlining work that needs to be done for the day, so that's what I've been doing: work. But ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod! (Shameless fan girl moment, sorry). I have got the dish on Michael courtesy of Phyllis. Do you remember back when Dwight found a joint in the parking lot? And you saw Dwight carrying his urine around all day? Well, apparently, Corporate found out that the joint actually belonged to Michael! That's not even the best part. The reason Corporate didn't catch this the first time was because his test had come out negative which leads me to believe that Dwight passed his urine off as Michael's! I apologize for the excessive exclamation marks, but do you understand the severity of this situation? Michael's persona non grata status is due to drug use! Jim, this opens up all types of possibilities. Do you think he sells? Because I've been needing to refill my stash. Kidding! Totally kidding.

Write back,
Pam

P.S.: I actually feel sorry for Dwight. He's always coming up only second best. That has to suck. All I'm saying is don't do anything I wouldn't.

P.P.S.: In case you haven't noticed, Halpert, I'm actually wearing jeans, so that's pretty risky. And what about you? You're wearing sandals too, and shorts which are against Biz-Cas-Fri rules. On another note, I love Homestar Runner. I haven't watched in ages.

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Phyllis Lapin
RE: Thanks for the Michael Info

I think . . . no, no, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you, Phyllis. You just made my day.

Jim

Fr: Roy Anderson
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Hi

Hey, Pammy. I miss you. This stomach bug, or whatever the hell it is, is absolute torture. I made myself some waffles, but even they didn't cheer me up. Thanks for setting up the living room for me. I feel like I'm in the Hilton what with the nice blankets and the award winning television programs. That was sarcasm, or was it irony? Eh, don't know, but the blankets and pillows were nice.

I wrote a song for you. I've been pretty bored, so it's only one verse or whatever but here goes:

Pam Beesly
She's my baby/
Her eyes warm my soul
Her smile makes me want to win goals/
And the sex is never waaaaaa—ning

Or is it waxing? I don't know. So what do you think? An aphrodisiac, no? And speaking of sex . . . you game? I'm just kidding, babe. Not really :).

Love,
Roy

Fr: Pam Beesly
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees
RE: Persona non grata

It is with the deepest sorrow that I impress upon you the nature of Michael's status. He has been banned from the office due to habitual drug use. I realize this will come as a surprise to some of you. How could someone so funny be doing drugs, you're probably asking yourself. Please keep this info to yourselves.

Sincerely,
Pam

P.S.: End of the week drinks at Poor Richard's tonight at seven for anyone interested.

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Liar

"Deepest sorrow" my ass, Beesly.

Hard at work or hardly working,
Jim

P.S.: I'll reply to your other e-mail ASAP. Had to deal with 'Dwigt' for the last hour.

Fr: Angela Martin
To: Pam Beesly
RE: No right

Dear Pam,

Despite your or any of our feelings toward Michael, it was not your place to insincerely give out false information about your/our superior. That is Toby's job. How do you go to bed at night knowing how immoral you are? I hope you can take care of this situation before it worsens.

Sincerely,
Angela Martin

Fr: Kevin Malone
To: Oscar Martinez
RE: Situation Michael

Never mind. Pam's e-mail has explained ALL. Hehehe. Can you believe it?

Kevin

Fr: Angela Martin
Fwd: Kevin Malone, Oscar Martinez
RE: Inappropriate

Please stop talking about Michael. It's inappropriate work place behavior. Conduct yourselves like adults.

Sincerely,
Angela Martin

Fr: Oscar Martinez
To: Kevin Malone
RE: Angela

Bitch.

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: You're kidding me

Wow. I just—it's unbelievable! Michael's doing drugs? That would certainly explain a LOT, but I just can't picture him doing them habitually. I mean, come on. Who's his dealer? And Dwight gave Michael his URINE? That's disgusting. There's nothing I can say to that. The only good thing that comes out of this is that Dwight's in serious trouble. Maybe he'll get fired. It'll be like Christmas and my birthday come early. But, whoa, James Halpert, your parents did not raise you like that. Be patient. Anyway, I forgive you for your earlier transgressions (barely; see below). Keep me posted.

Stronger than yesterday,
Jim

P.S.: Relax, Pam. I'm just typing little messages of encouragement. As a matter of fact, after I send this to you, I'm giving Dwight another one.

P.P.S.: Whoa. I am not simply wearing sandals. They are mandals, and only those with certain amounts of testosterone are allowed to wear them. Very masculine; very macho. As for the shorts, well, I'm not gonna lie to you: they are an accomplice to rebellion. Your jeans were noticed, by the way. Very nice; very risky, but you're wearing the cardigan again. Take the dive, Beesly. You should have worn a halter top and maybe a flouncy cheerleading skirt. I would have let you borrow mine if you had asked. Feel honored. Not many get that invitation in a lifetime.

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: I love you

Cock.

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: You're such a dork

Mandals, huh? Not as risky as my Arizona's which I got for half off at Macy's by the way, but impressive nonetheless. As far as the cardigan goes, I was debating between two t-shirts this morning. One said "Bitch" on it, the other "Ghetto Fab", but somehow I didn't think they were really appropriate. Write me if you have anything interesting. I'm dying over here on Reception Island.

Fax me baby one more time (Nice, huh?),
Pam

P.S.: You could tell that was sarcasm? About the shirts, I mean?

P.P.S: Why are we using Britney Spears lyrics for our sign-offs? Or variations of, anyway?

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Jim Halpert
RE: You're so GAY

If you don't stop sending me offensive e-mails, I will report you.

Jerk.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Angela Martin
RE: URGENT MESSAGE: SHOW NO ONE

Angela:

If Corporate knows about Michael and the joint, then sooner or later, they will figure out whose urine he used which means I will be in so much trouble. What should I do, my love? I have run out of sources to run to. Please, I beg of you. Be the Captain Kirk to my Enterprise. I need someone to guide my tortured soul.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Roy Anderson
RE: Oh my God—HA!

I know you tried, honey, but that was the worst song I ever read. I almost had mint tea squirt out of my nose. The part about my eyes was really sweet though, so thank you. And even though it sucked, the thought was nice. It's really weird in the office today. There are about five security guards just hanging out in the office, making sure that Michael doesn't try to break in. He was banned from the office! I'll give you more details when I get home because I actually have to work now. I'll be home after end of the week drinks at Poor Richard's tonight, so don't wait up for me. I hope you feel better. Don't forget there's some ice cream in the freezer. It always makes me feel better.

Love,
Pam

P.S.: Don't quit your day job, Bon Jovi, xoxo.

Fr: Kelly Kapoor
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Ryan

Hey, Jim. I was just curious: what would your reaction be to a guy who promises to go out with you on Saturday, but cancels because he has a seminar? This date, by the way, was planned for, like, a day now.

Thanks,
Kelly ;)

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Meredith
RE: Women's Bathroom

Hey, Meredith, I was just wondering if it was you who wrote that thing about Dwight in the women's bathroom because I know it wasn't me this time. Angela looked mighty angry today, and I just wanted to know who to thank.

With love,
Pam

P.S.: Young Robert Redford look-a-like security guard has been staring in your general direction for the past forty-three minutes. You should ask him to come along to Poor Richard's tonight.


Hey, you're reaching Ryan Howard's personal line. I can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message after the tone, and I'll get back to you. Remember: the first rule about Fight Club is you do not TALK about Fight Club.

(tone)

Ryan? This is your mother. I'm just calling to check up on you. How have you been? You never call anymore. Your father bought himself a new boat he wants to try out whenever you come up this way again. Which brings me to my next question: when ARE you coming up to visit? Bring your girlfriend along so we can meet her. What was her name again? Anyway, I'll talk to you later, bye-bye.

(click)

Hey, you're reaching Ryan Howard's personal line. I can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message after the tone, and I'll get back to you. Remember: the first rule about Fight Club is you do not TALK about Fight Club.

(tone)

Ryan, are you there? . . . Please pick up. Ryan, this is Michael Scott. Listen, I know I shouldn't be communicating with anyone in the building, but you've got to hand me a line. Help me, Obi-Wan, you're my only hope, ha-ha-ha, but seriously: call me back or I might be forced to do something drastic.

(click)

Hey, you're reaching Ryan Howard's personal line. I can't come to the phone right now, so leave a message after the tone, and I'll get back to you. Remember: the first rule about Fight Club is you do not TALK about Fight Club.

(tone)

Hey, um, Ryan? This is Katy. I'm calling on my lunch break, so I'll make this quick. I just wanted to call and say that I had a lot of fun last week at that Shins concert, and I was wondering about tomorrow. Should I bring popcorn, or just leave it at The Breakfast Club? By the way: Fight Club? You're so cute! Call me back when you can. Bye.

(click)


Fr: Angela Martin
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: You got yourself into this mess . . .

. . . You can get yourself out of it. Be the strong, independent man I . . . like immensely. I'll be out of town for the weekend, so . . . unfortunately . . . no cookie.

Yours truly,
Angela Martin

Fr: Meredith
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Guilty

Also, challenge duly noted. He is a hunk.

Meredith

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: So bored

You haven't e-mailed me back, so I took the initiative and wrote you. Point is while I was playing Solitaire, it came to me. The perfect Dwight prank, I mean. Okay, here's w—

Fr: Phyllis Lapin
To: Creed Bratton
RE: N/A

Oh, my—can you believe what happened?

Phyllis

Fr: Creed Bratton
To: Phyllis Lapin
RE: N/A

What'd I miss?

Creed

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Speechless

Break room. Stat.

Fr: Stanley Hudson
To: Toby
RE: Take control

Toby, you may want to send an e-mail out just to calm everybody down. At least try to calm down Dwight. He's been running around like an imbecile.

Thanks in advance,
Stanley

Fr: Angela Martin
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: Michael

You haven't talked to him, have you?

Sincerely,
Angela Martin

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Angela Martin
RE: Michael

Of course not! It's against regulation.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

P.S.: Can we have cookie tonight?

Fr: Toby
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees
RE: Michael Scott

Let it be known that due to recent events, Michael Gary Scott's persona non grata status has been updated to Threat Level. Please continue following the instructions given this morning. If there are any questions or concerns, contact me.

Thanks,
Toby

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Toby
RE: Security

Will we, the employees, be safe? I've always thought the security here sucks, and judging by recent events, my hypothesis registers as true. Something needs to be done.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Unbelievable

Wow. I mean, wow . . . Why am I always AWOL when all the good stuff happens? Thanks for bringing me up to date. Oh, and for the soda. Wow, I am just . . . are you sure you actually witnessed this event? Michael actually broke into this office?

Don't let me be the last to know,
Jim

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Unbelievable

Yes, I'm sure! Michael actually broke in (wearing one of those glasses with the mustache and fake nose attached) and he was actually tackled by all five security guards. Jim, it was the funniest thing EVER! Seriously, all the guards just pounced on top of him, and then he ran away like a startled fawn. Okay, that's exaggerating. They had to drag him away. The best part, however, was when they were dragging him away, Michael shouted in his bad imitation way, "They can take away our lives, but they cannot take away our freedom!" All was said in a very bad Scottish accent, and was very dramatic. I am laughing hysterically just thinking about it. I can't believe you missed it. Where were you?

Me against the Music,
Pam

P.S.: Why are you using military jargon? First SNAFU, now AWOL? Does someone have a secret ambition?

P.P.S.: Also, you owe me five bucks. I told you Creed could pick up that bag of chips with his four-footed toe, so, um, suck on that, Halpert!

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Unbelievable

I drove out to the convenient store down the road and bought a single serving sized bag of Cheez-its because I got this weird craving for them. Damn! I cannot believe I missed it. It sounds like the event of a life time. As for the military terms, on the other hand, it is all Dwight's influence. He keeps using weird terms, and then somehow I start using them. My apologies.

(Dwight drives me) Crazy,
Jim

P.S.: How about instead of five bucks, after drinks tonight, we watch a DVD, my treat. Maybe even Braveheart so we can laugh ourselves hoarse when Mel Gibson utters his famous line as we compare it to Michael's version. I'll bring the popcorn.

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Cock.

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Not so tough now, are you?

THAT'S IT! I'm reporting you.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: You are the wind beneath my wings

No, I'm reporting YOU.

Jim Halpert
Guy in Sales
Dunder Mifflin—Newfuckyoudwightland, PA

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Michael Scott
RE: Success

Don't worry. Everything went smoothly. No one suspects a thing.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Tonight

Um, that sounds really great and all, but Roy's at home sick, and I promised him I'd be home after drinks. I'm really sorry.

Toxic,
Pam

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Tonight

Eh, don't be. I'll just, um, go hunting with, uh, Dwight tonight. We'll shoot some bears or something. Maybe some other time?

Overprotected,
Jim

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Tonight

Definitely :)

Fr: Michael Scott
To: Jan Levinson
RE: Hello?

Jan, you can't keep ignoring all my e-mails, my letters, my calls, my gifts, my singing telegrams, etc. You're great, and I'm great. And hilarious. We're like peanut butter and jelly, or like the three stooges minus the third one (or all three if you prefer it that way; I don't judge). But the point is that you can't keep ignoring me. Besides, no one suspects a thing. They're as aloof as a group of aloof . . . things. Please reconsider. Especially considering what happened last night.

Michael Scott a.k.a. The Love Machine

Fr: Jan Levinson
To: Michael Scott
RE: Don't contact me

Michael, this is the last time I am going to mention this. We are officially through. And please—please—don't contact me ever again. Last night . . . was a mistake. A HUGE mistake. And it's only the grace of whoever the hell's up there that the entire company didn't figure out that the reason you were banned from the office today was because we were caught . . . you know, doing it, out on the parking lot which, by the way is company property. This thing, whatever it is, has reached a new level of humiliation that I cannot even begin to fathom. So if you truly do care about me, you will respect my wishes and never contact me again.

Jan


Salutations. You have reached Dwight Kurtis Shrute II's private line. I am unable to answer your call probably because I am too busy working my beet field. If what you have to say is that important, please leave a message. When I am done cultivating the field, I will try to get back to you.

(tone)

COCK.

(click)