TG/N: Again, I cannot thank you all enough for the positive feedback. Apologies about year long wait between updates, and kudos to anyone who even remembers what the last installment was about. The timeline is pretty consistent with the last installment in that seasons three and four don't exist, and neither does "Casino Night". "Conflict Resolution": to be or not to be, that is your decision. Next time, I hope to incorporate season three because I really want to write Andy and Karen. Anyway, I hope this is a substantial two months late Christmas addition to the series. This takes place about three weeks after the last installment. Also: Happy International That's What She Said Day! this Feb. 15.

Installment Three: Persona Non Grata the Holiday Edition


Fr: Michael Scott
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees
RE: Persona non grata

Dear family members of the orifice,

It is with the deepest regret that I inform you of Toby Flenderson's updated status to persona non grata. While the reasoning behind this movement is unclear, rumors have surfaced that it was because he sucks. I am writing to inform you that this is absolutely true.

Dinkin' Flicka,
Michael Scott

Fr: Corporate
To: Michael Scott
RE: Persona non grata notice

This is ridiculous, Michael. It is childish, immature, and entirely inappropriate for the workplace. You cannot declare Toby Flenderson as 'persona non grata' just because you dislike him. Please grow up.

Jan Levinson
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager
Head Offices, NY

Fr: Kelly Kapoor
To: Jim Halpert
RE: SQUEE!!!

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!!! JIM!! They're bringing back One Tree Hill for a couple episodes on January 8th on the CW which will follow the crew post high school and what they have been up to (exclamation point times infinity). Oh, my God, I have not been this excited since it was released that High School Musical 3 will revolve around senior prom! SERIOUSLY!! Just when I thought CMM was, like, out of commission, he comes back with the rest of the gang, and oh, my God, how cute are Nathan and Hayley together? I mean, they so need their own spin-off even though their marriage is such a struggle, and I would totally watch it because it's soooo romantic to get married in high school with your one true love. Plus, like, how much does the CW rock? Practically all my favorite shows are on it, like America's Next Top Model and Beauty and the Geek and, oh my God, Gossip Girl! How great is that show??? It's totally awesome, and I so wish I had a boyfriend like Nate because he's so dreamy and rich, and I so don't understand why Serena is still with Dan when she should totally be with Nate because he's so in love with her. Oh, and that holiday episode!!! That was so sad at the end with Dan's dad and Serena's mom. Although, I guess it worked out for the better because otherwise Dan and Serena going out would totally be incest. In, like, a step-sibling sort of way. Like Cruel Intentions or something. Still, you'd think since they're in New York that at least one of the characters would be Jewish and celebrate Hanukah, but whatever. Alright, I have to go, my phone is ringing, but you should definitely write me back soon.

TTYL,
Kelly ;)

P.S.: You haven't heard from Ryan lately, have you? Just wondering.

P.P.S.: We should so go see Enchanted together! It would be, like, the best thing ever.

Fr: Creed Bratton
To: Nevin Malone
RE: N/A

Do not let anyone else read this message. Trust no one. Say nothing. I asked Ashley for a paperclip, but she said she didn't have any. Mary Beth said the same thing. We have to fight this like back in the old days. They cannot deprive us of necessary paper clips.

That is all.

Creed

Fr: Kevin Malone
To: Oscar Martinez
RE: Creed

Is he even still alive?

Kev

P.S.: Who did you get for secret Santa?

Fr: Corporate
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees
RE: Persona non grata

To Whom It May Concern:

Toby Flenderson's status has not been raised to persona non grata, and corporate apologizes to any inconveniences this has caused. In addition, this is also a reminder that financial reports that have not been sent to the head offices must be done so by the end of the week. Corporate wishes everyone a safe, healthy holiday, and a happy new year.

Jan Levinson
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager
Head Offices, NY

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Ecretsay Antasay

I got Michael for secret Santa :\ How does one beat an iPod?

Jim

P.S.: The assignment for today, Beesly, if you so choose to accept it, is to make a list of movie sequels that should never have been made. I'll start: Look Who's Talking, Too.

P.P.S.: Can you tell I'm bored?

Fr: Oscar Martinez
To: Kevin Malone
RE: Creed

I've heard rumors that the Creed race became extinct years ago, but nobody knows for sure. My theory: remember Weekend at Bernie's? Creed's that guy. The one they lug around, pretending he is alive.

Oscar

P.S.: I got Dwight. Who'd you get?

Fr: Michael Scott
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: Secret Santa

Switch your person for mine.

Goin' Mach 5,
Michael Scott

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Michael Scott
RE: Secret Santa

Why? Is yours defective? (Is it Meredith?)

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Michael Scott
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: Secret Santa

Oh, blech, no! It's nothing like that.

I got Toby.

Fr: Angela Martin
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees
RE: Christmas Party

Dear fellow coworkers,

I need a head count of all those planning to attend the party after work today so I can procure enough food, paper products, plastic-ware, etc. Please send word of whether or not you will be attending some time before lunch.

Sincerely,
Angela Martin

P.S.: Members of the Party Planning Committee: we will meet promptly at two this afternoon to discuss this evening's soiree. Please be punctual.

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Ecretsay Antasay

You're not supposed to tell anyone who you got for secret Santa! It's rule number one in the secret Santa guidebook. I thought you knew better. Well, in any case, if you expect me to tell you who I got, you can just forget it. My lips are sealed ;)

As for Michael, maybe you could get him a cover for his iPod. I saw these cute covers on the internet the other day that look like hooded sweatshirts. Or if that doesn't work, you could always get him a bag of fortune cookies that he could give to Ping. I bet he would appreciate that.

Hope I helped,
Pam

P.S.: Caddyshack 2—hands down.

P.P.S.: If it's any consolation, you can barely see the bruise on your face any more. Ooh, and I've heard the ladies like scars (look at Heidi Klum and Seal), and a man in uniform (you could always become a mailman). Anyway, sorry again about getting you involved.

Fr: Kevin Malone
To: Oscar Martinez
RE: Secret Santa

My slip of paper had "Evan" on it, but I think Creed meant "Devon" when he filled them out. Now I don't know what to do because Devon doesn't even work here anymore.

Kev

P.S.: Oh, man, do you remember what Devon said at our Arbor Day celebration two years ago? And then he stole that shovel? That. Was. Hilarious.

P.P.S: I've gone over these numbers, and I am coming up $3200 shy in the company funds budget. Could you check them again? See if I did something wrong?

Fr: Meredith Palmer
To: Verne
RE: Tonight

Hey, I forgot to tell you about the Christmas party at my work tonight. Can you make it? If you have other plans, that's fine. But if not, give me a call.

Mer

P.S.: Did I leave my copy of Ghost at your place? Also, I can't find my flask.

Fr: Roy Anderson
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Tonight

Hey, Pammy. Do you really have your heart set on going to the party after work tonight? Because I'm still feeling pretty crummy from the aftermath of that stomach flu or whatever the hell it was. Why don't we just skip it? I think Rambo is playing on TNT tonight. We could order in Chinese and watch it together instead. What do you think?

Love you, babe,
Roy

Fr: Phyllis Lapin
To: Angela Martin
RE: Party

I can't attend tonight because Bob Vance and I have a special dinner planned. He's taking me to the Olive Garden. :) I hope everything goes well.

Phyllis

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Roy Anderson
RE: Tonight

Actually, I sort of was looking forward to going to the party tonight. I mean, it can't be that bad, right? Plus, I've already bought my gift for my secret Santa recipient. Are you completely sure you don't want to go?

Love,
Pam

Fr: Oscar Martinez
To: Kevin Malone
RE: Company Funds Budget

I have checked you calculations again and again, but I keep coming up with the same result as you. I'll send it to Angela. Maybe she knows what's going on.

Oscar

Fr: Toby Flenderson—Human Resources
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees
RE: Proper Conduct Code

Hey, just a quick little reminder about our proper conduct code (section 7E in the Dunder Mifflin Employee handbook) since our holiday party is approaching. Although the party takes place after regulated office hours, I would like to emphasize that our conduct code is still in effect, especially the part regarding proper dress. A complaint about a certain incident last year was brought to my attention, and I would like to prevent any repeat performances. So, just follow the rules, guys, okay?

Also, regarding the ladies' bathroom: there have been another handful of complaints, once again, regarding the growing amount of graffiti on the bathroom stalls. As I have said before, this is a serious act of vandalism and can be punishable by law or a fine. If this doesn't stop, I'll be forced to give out punishment, and to be honest, I really don't want to play the bad guy, alright? So, if you have something unkind to say, write it down on a piece of paper (we have plenty of it), and put it in the shredder. It always works for me. As always, any questions regarding Dunder Mifflin's proper conduct code can be sent to me by e-mail any time of the day.

Thanks for all of your cooperation,
Toby

Fr: Toby Flenderson—Human Resources
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: Important

Dwight,

When you get the time, please come see me A.S.A.P. Bring along any other containers of animal urine you might have stowed away. Also, I'll need you to bring your employee I.D. Someone has been messing with the name log, and now your name shows up as 'Idiot,' and your address keeps coming up as "4 Privet Drive".

Toby

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Michael Scott
RE: Secret Santa

As much as it pains me to say this, Michael, I cannot trade with you. I've . . . already purchased my gift. On any other occasion, you know I would shed blood for you.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Kelly Kapoor
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees (not Ryan)
RE: Not Ryan

Hey, guys! I just wanted to let everyone in this office know that I am officially and totally OVER RYAN BAILEY HOWARD. I know, I know. A lot of you probably think I'm bluffing, but I'm really not. I really am OVER RYAN BAILEY HOWARD, and only on the smallest of occasions do I ever wish that his corpse would writhe in an eternal hell dimension and the fires would scorch him with the white, hot intensity of a thousand suns. But other than that, I am, like, totally OVER RYAN BAILEY HOWARD. So, Pam, if you have any cute, single guy friends (other than Jim, obviously), or, Meredith, if that security guard guy that you've been seeing has any young, single guy friends, I am way interested. You read that correctly. Kelly Kapoor is once again single and taking over the dating scene! Yay!!!

That is all,
Kelly;)

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Ecretsay Antasay

Your lips are sealed, huh? Would a bag of sun chips loosen them at all? French onion?

To infinity and beyond,
Jim

P.S.: Nice! Have to agree with you on that one. My next choice: Police Academy 4. Was not a fan. I just felt that in comparison to Police Academy 2 and 3, it lacked a realistic basis.

P.P.S.: I've told you that you have got to stop apologizing. It's not even your fault. Besides, it barely hurts any more. And, yes, your helpful words were consolation. Seriously considering the mailman field of work. Hey, who ever said shorts weren't business appropriate? Communists, that's who! And I'm no Commie, Pam.

Fr: Michael Scott
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: Secret Santa

Oh, yuck! God, Dwight, keep your blood to yourself. Hasn't anyone ever told you about the dangers of AIDS? And what kind of present would you get? It's probably a bag of beet seeds like you got for me your first year. Just trade people with me. Please. Look at all the great things I have for you as your boss and friend. Keep that in mind.

In comedy we trust,
Michael

Fr: Darryl Philbin
To: Lonny
RE: Betting Pool

Yo, you goin' to the party tonight, man? Cuz me and the other guys have a bet going on concerning who will be the first to get drunk tonight. Roy's got money on the red head, as does Madge, but I'm leaning towards that Howard kid, or Packer, if he shows. Get back to me.

Later,
Darryl

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Michael Scott
RE: Secret Santa

Damn it, Michael! Don't make this more difficult for me than it already is! I can't trade with you because . . . I have already bought a gift, and . . . and you banned Yankee Swap last year when you ended up with that hideous oven mitt. So . . . tit for tit.

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Roy Anderson
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Tonight

You're kidding me, right? Pam, all I ever hear you do is complain about how much you hate work. Why the hell would you want to stay after hours for a party that probably won't have alcohol anyway? Let's just stay in tonight. Maybe we can go to Hooters if you're really stuck on going out.

Roy

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Roy Anderson
RE: Tonight

I never said I hated my job. Granted, I never said I liked my job, but I never said I hated it. Um, what if we stay just until secret Santa is over?

Pam

Fr: Roy Anderson
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Tonight

Nah, let's just blow this joint at five.

Roy

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Roy Anderson
RE: Tonight

No. You know what, Roy? I want to stay. I already bought my gift, and I want to stay. And just out of curiosity, how would you be able to go to Hooters if you're too sick to go to the Christmas party? Furthermore, I don't even like Rambo. I've been really understanding these past few weeks about your sickness, and I really didn't mind helping you out. But why don't we ever do things I want to do? What's wrong with staying at a stupid, little office party for, like, an hour or two?

Fr: Roy Anderson
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Tonight

Meet me outside the elevator on the first floor.

Fr: Ryan Howard
To: Kelly Kapoor
RE: You

Is there any way that you could possibly be a little less obnoxious about what happened? Yes, I probably didn't handle things as gracefully as I could have, but you're being ridiculous at this point. We both know that our relationship wasn't working out. So I think it's for the best that we broke up.

Ryan

P.S.: Do you think you could bring my books for class with you tomorrow? I think I left them at your place the last time I was over.

Fr: Kelly Kapoor
To: Toby Flenderson—Human Resources
RE: Dunder Mifflin's proper conduct code

Hey, Toby! What's up? Listen, I just had a quick question regarding policy at Dunder Mifflin. What is the greatest amount of physical damage I could inflict on another employee without any kind of negative repercussion? Like, let's say, hypothetically, a knee to someone's groin. Is that totally out of bounds?

Thanks,
Kelly;)

Fr: Roy Anderson
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Tonight

You know what? You stay, and I'll go. But you can find your own way home.

Fr: Stanley Hudson
To: Darryl Philbin
RE: Betting Pool

I've got twenty dollars on myself.

Stanley

Fr: Creed Bratton
To: Ashley Marvin
RE: N/A

With regards to your hootenanny this evening, I would like to put a request in for pie. And not that stuff they sell at Home Depot. Their pie is terrible.

Creed

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Sun chips

Tempting, Halpert, very tempting. But I'm still opting for silence on the secret Santa front. Although, if the offer still stands, I'll take you up on those sun chips. I missed lunch. Roy and I sort of got into a slight argument.

Pam

P.S.: Jeepers Creepers 2--I kept waiting (hoping) for Justin Long to show up again, even though he died in the first one.

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Sun chips

Anything you want to talk about?

Jim

P.S.: Meet the Fockers

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Sun chips

Not particularly

P.S.: Blues Brothers 2000

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Sun chips

Fair enough. Let's get you those sun chips.

Jim

P.S.: Couldn't agree with you more. Mine: High School Musical 2.

Fr: Angela Martin
To: Oscar Martinez, Kevin Malone
RE: Budget

Dear Oscar and Kevin,

As much as it pains me to admit, I believe we have stumbled across a serious problem. I have searched my records and redone the calculations countless times, but it seems that the fact is this: $3200 is missing from the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch's budget. This is serious.

Sincerely,
Angela Martin

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Truce—Show no one

Salutations, Jim:

I know that we have had our differences in the past; however, I come to you waving a white flag—for the time being anyway. I need your help. Do you accept?

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch

Fr: Oscar Martinez
To: Kevin Malone, Angela Martin
RE: Budget

What do we do? Should we tell Michael about it?

Oscar

Fr: Michael Scott
To: Corporate
RE: Par-tay 2nite

Ms. Levinson,

I would like to personally invite you to our "holiday" soiree this evening. The way I feel: let bygones be bygones. Besides, we have a history together. We made-out a couple times, we had sex in that parking lot that one time, I let you borrow my copy of Plane, Trains, and Automobiles. With all these memories together, I would be honored if you would attend this evening.

In comedy we trust,
Michael

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Dwight

Am I dreaming? Tell me I'm dreaming. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever received. Here, I'll send it as an attachment.

Should I accept?
Jim

P.S.: Batman and Robin

Fr: Angela Martin
To: Oscar Martinez, Kevin Malone
RE: Budget

Absolutely not. If Michael knew, he would only panic. Plus, he might cancel the party tonight, and I have worked extremely hard to put it together. We have about two hours until the end of work. We will continue to investigate in that time. Again, I reiterate: TELL NO ONE.

Sincerely,
Angela Martin

Fr: Corporate
To: Michael Scott
RE: Tonight

You are, to be frank, Michael, an asshole.

Jan Levinson
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager
Head Offices, NY

Fr: Creed Bratton
To: Toby Flenderson—Human Resources
RE: N/A

Just received word from Tim. Tell Janice that the flightless bird has birthed a two-headed albino. She knows what that means.

Creed

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Dwight's offer

I don't think you are dreaming, Jim. Actually, I think you're crazy because you're consulting me instead of replying to Dwight's e-mail. Have you lost your touch?

Just a small town girl, living in a paper product world,
Pam

P.S.: Spider Man 3—what was the deal with his hair and that weird musical number he did?

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: Truce—Show no one

"Do you accept?"

Absolutely I do.

Jim

Fr: Michael Scott
To: Carol—Real Estate Girlfriend
RE: Par-tay

Hi, Carol.

Just wondering if you would be interested in coming to a Christmas party we are having after work. I hear it's going to be off the hook.

Call me, beep me if you wanna reach me,
Michael

Fr: Kelly Kapoor
To: Ryan Howard
RE: Your books

What books? I don't remember any books.

Kelly

Fr: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Truce—Show no one

I have to get a gift for a female colleague that I like—in a professional way. What would you suggest I get for her?

Dwight K. Schrute
Assistant Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin Scranton Branch, PA

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: Dwight

Dwight's got Angela for secret Santa and wants to know what to get for her. What should I tell him?

Crazy little thing called 'Dwigt,'
Jim

P.S.: That was a weird movie. But an even worse sequel? 2 Fast 2 Furious. Without Vin Diesel, I just wasn't buying it.

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: Dwight

Tell him to buy her a copy of the Kamasutra.

Pam

P.S.: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous—where was Benjamin Bratt, I ask?

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Dwight K. Schrute
RE: Truce—Show no one

In all honesty, Dwight, if it were me, I would get her something that has to do with cats. Or religion. Or something that involves both, like Chicken Soup for the Cat Lover's Soul. In any case, when she finds out the gift was from you, she'll appreciate the thought, and the gift won't really matter after all.

Jim

Fr: Jim Halpert
To: Pam Beesly
RE: I can't believe I just typed that

I sent Dwight an e-mail in which I didn't mock him, and I wasn't ridiculous or rude. I was actually . . . God, help me, nice. I think I'm gonna be sick, Pam. Really sick.

Jim

P.S.: Airplane II

Fr: Kevin Malone
To: Oscar Martinez, Angela Martin
RE: Budget

Guys, it looks like the $3200 was stolen from the company just like last time. And there appear to be three suspects: Creed Bratton, Phyllis Lapin, and Stanley Hudson. Gee, wonder who did it. (That was sarcasm, guys, did you get it?)

Kevin

Fr: Oscar Martinez
To: Kevin Malone
RE: Budget

Yeah, we got it, Kev.

Oscar

Fr: Angela Martin
To: Kevin Malone, Oscar Martinez
RE: Budget

We can't assume anything. The party starts in ten minutes, but we have a duty to this company to stay here and figure this out. I'll ask Creed to save us each a piece of pie.

Sincerely,
Angela Martin

Fr: Pam Beesly
To: Jim Halpert
RE: I can't believe I just typed that

That's just one of the side effects of growing up, Jim. It will pass. Come on. I see Michael motioning for us all to gather in the conference room. I guess we're going to start the party.

Pam

P.S.: I'm out of ideas. You got any more?


DUNDER MIFFLIN INC., PAPER COMPANY

1725 Slough Avenue

Scranton, PA 18505

Transcript of Dunder Mifflin Christmas party

Transcript typed by: Pam Beesly, receptionist

Reason for meeting: To have fun, get presents, etc. Michael wanted me to type a transcript from the party because he mentioned something about it being a sentimental moment in the company's history. Personally, I think he got into Meredith Palmer's secret stash.

Everyone enters the conference room, with small, wrapped packages in their hands, and takes a seat around the table. Michael Scott, our boss, enters the room, and stands at the head of the table.

Michael Scott: Friends, Scrantonians, countrymen, lend me your ears! It is time for our first annual secret Santa—

Meredith Palmer: —Um, actually, this is our second secret Santa exchange.

Michael Scott (sighs; could have murmured "Shut it"): Yeah, well, last year's does not count because the gifts were terrible except for mine.

Collective protests can be heard in the room, except for Ryan Howard who is trying to cover his face in presumed embarrassment.

Michael Scott (trying to bring the room back together): Anyway, anyway, let's get this party started, what do you say?

Michael is met with light talking, but mostly silence.

Jim Halpert (from beside me): This is the most ridiculous thing Michael has ever asked you—why are you typing everything I'm saying?

Pam Beesly: Because I need to provide a transcript that is extremely detailed and life like.

Jim Halpert (looking over my shoulder): And that's not crazy at all. Hey, I did not emphasize 'all' enough to italicize it. Maybe a bolding would suffice, but not italics.

Pam Beesly: But you're not the one typing this, are you?

Jim returns to his seat, while Michael continues to lead us in Secret Santa.

Michael Scott: Okay, why don't you start us off, Meredith?

Meredith Palmer: I got Creed.

She procures a gift and gives it to Creed Bratton. He takes it, opens it, and shows the rest of the room what it is. It is a raw potato. Creed nods a thanks in Meredith's direction.

Creed Bratton: I appreciate it, Mary Beth.

Michael Scott (mutters under breath "Does he even work here?"): O-kay. Kelly, you're up! Who did you get?

Kelly Kapoor (cheerfully): I got Ryan. There you go, Ryan.

She throws a lumpy looking package at Ryan. Tentatively, he opens it. Inside is what appears to be the charred remains of a large book—school book maybe?

Ryan Howard (angrily): My school books!

They are, in fact, his school books.

Ryan Howard (cont.) (angrily): Kelly, would you come with me, please?

Kelly Kapoor: No way, Ryan Bailey Howard. You totally deserve having your books burned. Burned like my heart was when I found out you were cheating on me. You suck!

Against her will, Ryan drags her out of the conference room. No one goes to rescue her, though. We're all pretty happy to have quiet restored.

Michael Scott: This is ridiculous. Creed, why don't you go next.

Creed Bratton (standing): I got Pan.

Michael Scott (confused, rightfully so, I might add): Who?

Creed Bratton: Her . . . I think.

He points at me.

Pam Beesly: Me?

He nods and tosses a crumpled looking package my way. I open it. It contains a Phillips screwdriver and five washers.

Pam Beesly (stunned): Oh . . . wow. Creed, these are . . . great.

He acknowledges me with salute.

Creed Bratton: You're welcome, Panny.

Jim Halpert stares wide-eyed at my gifts and fails to hide a huge smile. Everyone else just seems rather confused, like instead of a Christmas party, we have somehow transported ourselves to a scene from The Twilight Zone.

Michael Scott: Wow, Creed. Wh—where did you get that? Actually, you know what? Never mind. Let's have the next person up. Uh . . .

Oscar and Kevin finally walk in, joining the rest of us seated around the conference table. They look melancholy.

Jim Halpert (out of the side of his mouth): 'Melancholy,' huh?

I nod. He shrugs. Kevin and Oscar take a seat.

Michael Scott: Oscar! Why don't you take a whack at this, señor?

Oscar Martinez: Oh, well, uh, sure. I got Dwight.

Dwight, who has been sitting there quietly, raises his head up and stares at Oscar, who hands him a regular sized gift. Dwight opens it. Inside is a DVD of The Quiet Man, one of Dwight's favorite films, after Star Wars, of course.

Dwight K. Schrute (eyes tearing slightly): Thank you, Oscar. I have no words.

Oscar Martinez (looking slightly embarrassed): Oh, it's no problem. I figured you would like it.

Dwight K. Schrute: Like is an understatement.

Michael Scott: Oh, okay you two. Why don't you continue this gay affair outside of the conference area?

Oscar and Dwight stare at him almost angrily. Realizing he has perhaps gone too far, Michael retracts, and continues Secret Santa.

Michael Scott: Jimbo! Slim Jim! Why don't you go next?

Jim Halpert: Michael, I got you.

He tosses a rectangular gift towards Michael, who takes it gratefully. He takes it, and opens it. Inside is an anniversary edition The Three Amigos! DVD. Despite not taking my advice, the gift is really fitting of Michael.

Jim Halpert (looking over my shoulder): Glad you think so, Pam.

Michael now looks like he is almost in tears. For a Christmas party, this is getting quite emotional. With glittering eyes, Michael walks over to where Jim is standing and pulls him into a hug. Jim looks startled, but hugs his boss back.

Michael Scott: Thank you, Jim.

Jim Halpert: No problem, Michael. But you're sort of crushing my windpipe now.

Michael (backing off): Oh, sorry. Um, anyway . . . where were we?

Before he can continue, Angela bursts into the room, looking frazzled, and just maybe like she has had too many energy drinks.

Angela Martin: Michael! Someone has stolen thirty-two hundred dollars from the company budget!

A collective gasp is heard in the room.

Michael Scott (surprised): Are you sure?

Angela nods.

Michael Scott: Do you know who stole the money.

Angela Martin: Yes, it was . . . Phyllis Lapin! I knew ever since she wanted to pick those green streamers that she was no good!

Pam Beesly (unable to believe her ears): Why would Phyllis, of all people, steal from the company?

Angela Martin: Because she and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration were saving up for their wedding. She told me that he was taking her out to dinner tonight, but I think they are going to elope and use the money for a honeymoon instead.

Stanley Hudson (sounding amused): What kind of honeymoon costs only thirty-two hundred dollars?

Angela Martin: I don't know, Stanley, but if anyone could stretch out a penny, it's Phyllis. I don't know why I didn't see it before. Phyllis is a money grubbing, whorish woman with no sense of dignity.

Toby Flenderson (voice of reason): Okay, why don't we all go start the party in the other room, and, Angela, you can help me explain this to Corporate.

Michael Scott: PAR-TAAAAAAAY!

Everyone files out of the room, except for Jim and myself. We are too busy laughing over the whole ordeal. It is the most ridiculous thing we have ever heard. I could understand the potato, but Phyllis eloping with Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration? I don't think so.

Jim Halpert: You go your whole life learning the distinction between fantasy and reality, and then something like that happens—

Pam Beesly: I know, right?

There's a silence between the two of us, interrupted only by our mutual laughter which erupts occasionally.

Jim Halpert: What are you typing now? Nobody is talking.

Pam Beesly: Nothing, just, I—remember a few weeks ago how you asked me if I wanted to watch Braveheart, but I couldn't because I was preoccupied?

Jim nods.

Jim Halpert: Yeah.

Pam Beesly: Well, would you want to watch it now? I mean, if you don't want to, that's cool—

Jim Halpert: I'd love to, Beesly. On one condition.

Pam Beesly: What?

Jim Halpert: Well, first, that you stop typing, because it's kind of freaking me out—

Pam Beesly: —Done—

Jim Halpert: —and second, that you tell me who your secret Santa was.

I shut the laptop.

Pam Beesly: It was—POWER SHUTDOWN


Fr: Corporate
Fwd: Dunder Mifflin Employees
RE: Persona non grata

To Whom It May Concern:

Let it be known that sales representative, Phyllis Lapin's status has been upgraded to persona non grata. Anyone assisting Ms. Lapin onto the premises and/or informing her of the daily going ons of the office will face severe punishment. It is asked that as employees, you continue to work as usual and not allow the situation at hand to affect work ethic.

Jan Levinson
Dunder Mifflin Corporate Manager
Head Offices, NY