AN: The last piece of the Curse is finally here! A special thanks to IcySapphire15 for the challenge, to Chibinecco for beta-ing for me, and to the KakaIru livejournal group for giving me suggestions: Chibinecco for Iruka-fantasies, Kairukashi and Tiddarifka for Gai challenges, and Rusigil for making me smile with mental images of Kakashi, Iruka, and dirty origami.
Disclaimer: I don't remember if I've done one for this fic before or not. Naruto is mine only in my dark little fantasies.
Three months after his Hip and Modern Rival went on a mission, almost got himself killed, was healed by Tsunade, went on another mission, almost got himself killed again, and was healed a second time by Tsunade, Gai went on a Noble and Youthful Quest to Challenge Kakashi to an Unprecedented Match of Wit, Strength, and Skill.
The silver haired man proved to be quite elusive. Since he had been proclaimed well enough to work again, the Revered and Esteemed Hokage had been sending the Copy Nin on D-ranked Missions of Patience and Valor every waking moment. On the rare breaks between these Tasks of Tremendous Trepidation, Kakashi always managed to disappear with his not-so-secret lover, the Greatly Honored Teacher of his Cute and Rambunctious Students.
That being as it was, Gai decided the best way to find his rival, who was scheduled to return from a Stable Cleaning of the Utmost Importance for the Safety of the Village, was to follow Iruka around and catch his Besotted Bosom Friend off-guard.
"Excuse me, Gai-san?" A tentative voice interrupted Gai's booming internal monologue.
"Yes, oh Bright and Noble Companion of my Adversary?" Gai responded.
Iruka raised one Chocolate-colored brow. "Is there a reason you're standing outside my window and posing, Gai-san? I'm afraid I'm trying to teach a lesson in here, and you're distracting my students."
"Ah, Commendable Iruka-sensei, ever thinking of the well-being of your Youthful Pupils! Perhaps I can be of aid to you in the Instruction of these Exuberant Examples of Konoha Shinobi." Gai generously offered.
Iruka blinked, no doubt stunned mute by the Mind-Boggling Honor of having such a Beautiful Beast as himself teaching in his classroom.
"I'm so sorry, Gai-san, but I just can't work it into the lesson plan today." Iruka said, voice wavering with the intense sadness of such a marvelous missed opportunity. Gai imagined there must be violins playing their mournful songs in the distance.
"Some other time then." Gai assured the poor teacher. He couldn't allow the Love of his Eternal Rival to labor on without hope, especially while undertaking such a Noble Task as raising the next generation of Konoha Ninja with a Will of Fire.
Not wanting to taunt the Deprived Students with instruction that they couldn't have, Gai removed his personage from the window and chose a more distant vantage point to continue his stake-out. He wondered idly if he could locate his Rival faster if he found one of those orange books the Man-of-a-Thousand-Jutsu always read, but decided against it. Only a select few, like his Noble Companion Kakashi, could read those books without having their Purity tainted. 'Besides, it shouldn't take too long to wait' he counseled himself. 'He was expected to arrive at ten, so he should be here at one, and that's only an hour and a half. Just enough time for Training in Patience and Strength.'
Gai hopped up into a tree and balanced his weight onto the smallest fingers of each hand. 'If I can't hold this position until Kakashi arrives, I'll climb the Hokage Monument using only my toes.' He declared silently.
KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI
Hatake Kakashi needed help. He really did. Because he was sick, Iruka-lovesick, and three month's exposure hadn't changed a thing. Sure, it was becoming easier to dodge kunai while distracted, and his survival reflexes were honing themselves to perfection, but his thoughts had yet to clear from the haze of Iruka-fantasies. He no longer feared for his life while on missions, but he still saw Icha Icha type scenes in every possible scenario.
He was returning from a mission on the coast, and seeing all those half-naked people lounging on the beach hadn't helped. And it wasn't even pretty people, either. His rebellious mind could twist any situation into a way to have sex with Iruka. There had been this fat, hairy man sunbathing, for example, and Kakashi's thoughts went thus:
'Eww, gross. Cover that up. Holy shit, are you wearing a speedo? Nasty…I bet Iruka would gag if he saw this… hmmm, Iruka, speedo…Iruka in a speedo, mmmhhh.'
From there sprang numerous fantasies about speedo-clad Iruka, lying in the sand, waiting for Kakashi to come and rub tanning oil over every inch of his golden skin…
Later on this particular mission, Kakashi had been spying on a mechanic for information, until one of the mechanic's assistants had pointed out a broken piece of merchandise, which was leaking scalding hot oil. When the assistant used the words, "hot", "wet" and "dripping", Kakashi's brain immediately translated it into terms of an Iruka fantasy, which soon joined forces with the first Iruka fantasy, until Kakashi was crouched in the shadows imagining rubbing warm oil over every inch of speedo-clad Iruka, who was begging Kakashi to deal with something else that was 'hot, wet, and dripping'.
Needless to say, with everything he saw or heard setting off another image of Iruka in his head, Kakashi couldn't wait to get home and test some of his new ideas out.
Ever the thorough jounin, Kakashi timed his return perfectly so he could meet up with Iruka in that twenty minutes after Academy teaching and before he started his Mission Room shift. Since that day in the hospital when the chuunin had resolved to build up Kakashi's immunity to him, the sensei had always saved that time for him.
Before Kakashi could dive through the window of Iruka's classroom and pounce on his lover (who was grading papers much too sexily to be allowed to continue unchecked), though, Kakashi caught a glimpse of unnaturally bright green in the corner of his eye.
There was only one way to deal with Gai when horny and in a hurry, Kakashi knew, and that was to ignore him. Kakashi opened up the classroom window, pulled down the shades with exaggerated motions (subtlety worked on Gai about the same as it did on Naruto; that is, not at all), and prepared to pounce on Iruka, who was now nibbling on a pen in a suggestive manner that gave birth to Iruka fantasies three and four right on the spot.
Maybe it was a misuse of his ninja skills, but Kakashi used his chakra to crouch on Iruka's desk without making a sound or disturbing the papers Iruka was grading. He stealthily leaned forward, and with lightning fast reflexes, replaced the pen on Iruka's lips with his tongue. Iruka returned his kiss eagerly, and pulled away only when the copy nin had been thoroughly kissed.
"Got time to welcome a shinobi back from a mission?" Kakashi asked. Iruka nuzzled Kakashi's cheek in response.
"Always." The chuunin looked up at Kakashi through his eyelashes, and tilted his head up for a kiss.
Thump! The shaded window bumped and rattled, and Iruka tore his gaze away from Kakashi.
"What was that?" He gasped. Kakashi grabbed his chin and pulled him back for another kiss. "It was nothing." He murmured into Iruka's lips. "Ignore it."
His lover pulled away from him and swatted away the hand that was unzipping his chuunin vest. "Kakashi, we can't! There's someone at the window." Iruka hissed.
"There's no one there." Kakashi assured him, making a grab for the vest zipper once more.
"Esteemed Rival, you've returned!!!!!!!!" A voice shouted, shaking the building with its ear-shattering decibels.
With a falling heart, Kakashi listened to the sound of the window sliding up. A green spandex covered arm slid through the blinds. 'Maybe 'Ruka and I could make a run for it.' He thought illogically. Iruka shoved him off the desk and straightened his vest as Gai popped into the room.
"I've come to challenge you, Oh Eternal Rival!! And as it is my turn to decide our task, I declare we will compete in the Delicate Art of Calligraphy- while balancing on our heads!!" Gai struck a pose, and his teeth sparkled unnaturally. Kakashi was sure there was some sort of illusionary jutsu to Gai's sparkles and sunsets, but he'd never been able to catch any proof with his sharingan.
The Copy Nin stayed silent for a moment, and only greeted his rival with an indifferent 'Yo' when the other man began to squirm with impatience, just because he knew Gai hated it. "I'm busy right now, Gai." He told the self-proclaimed Beautiful Beast firmly. "I've got people to do right now." He made a vague gesture in Iruka's direction.
"Kakashi!" Iruka hissed in his 'scandalized teacher' voice. Oh, right. The chuunin was still shy about their relationship, and turned a strange shade of red whenever Kakashi made any reference to sex in public. Red Iruka…sex in public… Kakashi tuned Gai out and concentrated instead on the newly formed Iruka-fantasy number five.
"I just thought that you'd be eager to Compete in a Trial of Youthful Exuberance, now that you are officially behind in the score, Oh Genius Rival!"
'Mmmhh…Iruk- huh?' Kakashi startled out of his thoughts. "WHAT? I'm not losing! We're tied right now, 522 wins each!" There was no way Kakashi was going to let Gai get away with such blatant cheating.
Kakashi hopped off of Iruka's desk, sending papers whizzing off into the air, and stalked up to the smiling and sparkling jounin. Somewhere in the background of his mind, Iruka groaned, and Kakashi could almost hear him rolling his eyes.
"Since you forfeited our Epic Horseshoe Battle, My Brave and Noble Comrade, I gained the extra point needed to pull ahead in our Eternal Struggle!" The green man flashed Kakashi a victory sign, and wiggled around in his usual manner.
"But…that's not…you can't…" Kakashi stuttered. He couldn't deny it, though. But the mere thought of Gai winning in their contest, it was like dropping an anvil on his head.
Suddenly, though, Iruka coughed to get his attention, probably to excuse himself to go work his shift in the mission room, and a beam of light broke through the metaphoric clouds in Kakashi's sky.
"Yes, but I won the Iruka challenge, so we're still tied!" He shouted triumphantly. Ever the Copy Nin, he mimicked Gai's victory pose, before remembering Iruka was in the room. He tried to cover his action by pretending he was just scratching his head, but Iruka gave him an eyebrow raise that said quite clearly that he'd been caught red handed.
"And what 'Iruka-challenge' would that be, pray tell?" His lover asked, setting down the papers he'd just gathered.
Kakashi looked back and forth between his boyfriend and his rival. "I was trying to figure out if you were dating anyone, Iruka, because we were trying to find the single nin in the village, and Gai said you were single-" Kakashi rambled.
"Breathe, Kakashi." Iruka ordered. The Copy Nin took a breath and continued.
"But I said you must be dating someone, because I knew you were much too hot to be alone, and I was right, because you're with me!" He reasoned happily. He was dating Iruka, tied with Gai, and all was right with the world.
"Ah, but there is a flaw in your Energetic Logic, Hip and Modern Rival!" Gai boomed. Kakashi wondered if the man would quiet down if he tossed a kunai at his vocal cords. "Unless, of course, Iruka was dating someone directly before you, and you, My Rival, are much too Noble and Kind to steal someone's Love Interest."
"Of course Iruka wasn't dating anyone before me." Kakashi said, grabbing Iruka and hugging him possessively. Iruka glared, and Kakashi realized that his lover might not appreciate that he'd been wagering on his love-life. It looked like he'd have to deal with an angry sensei later.
"In that case, the score is now 524 to 522, in my favor." Gai smirked. Underneath his mask, the jounin's jaw dropped. Gai explained, "the wager was that Your Beloved Sensei was single at that time, not three months later. That puts you in my debt, Kakashi."
Kakashi stood there, stunned silent. Iruka wiggled out of his grasps and gave him a quick kiss on his masked cheek. "You'll be explaining this all to me after work, Kakashi." He stated, and left for the Mission Room.
"Well, I guess if you're too busy to compete, Eternal Rival, we could just leave the score as it is and tell everyone that I finally bested the Man of a Thousand Jutsu." Gai said slyly (or as slyly as one can when a cheesy sunset follows one around for dramatic effect…)
"Where's the calligraphy set?" Kakashi growled, flipping upside down onto his silver head.
KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI
A few hours later, when his Eternally Hip Rival left to join his Adored Instructor of Academy Students, Gai sat down and watched the legitimate sunset from atop the Hokage Monument. There score was now a more acceptable 524 to 523, and Gai actually preferred it that way. When he got too far ahead, he didn't have as much motivation to push himself toward improvement.
Seeing his sparring partner and good friend running off like a love-sick puppy to meet up with his lover was a little thought provoking for Gai, though. He was happy for his friend, who had been aloof for far too long, and he was glad to know whatever unspoken ghosts of Iruka's past had been eradicated. It was just, now that Kakashi had surrendered to the bliss of Romantic Companionship, Gai really was the only ninja he knew that was single. It was a lonely thought.
The green spandex clad Beast of Konoha stood up and faced the setting sun. He struck up his most serious 'Nice Guy' pose and let Manly tears well up in his flame-filled eyes. "I swear that I will find a date as well, by this time next week, or else I'll polish this entire Monument using only my elbows!" He yelled to the painted sky.
KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI KxI
Below, on a secluded street, Kakashi and Iruka broke apart from their shared embrace and looked toward the mountains.
"Did you hear something?" Iruka asked hesitantly.
"No." Kakashi said, much too quickly to be the truth. "Now come on, I have a mission in the morning, and I'll be in danger if I don't work out some of these Iruka-fantasies before then."
"You're still as much of a pervert as always." Iruka muttered to himself. "Sometimes I wonder why I bother with this cure." Kakashi ignored his rant and nuzzled up close to his ear to start whispering his ideas to the chuunin.
'He's a pervert, but you know you wouldn't have him any other way.' A quiet portion of Iruka's mind reminded him.
'I know.' He thought back, and leaned back into Kakashi's arms, never more thankful than at that moment that no curse in Konoha was strong enough to keep his perverted silver-haired jounin away from him.
Teh end! Thanks for reading, everyone!