Disclaimer: I own nothing
WARNING: Koji snaps at the end. LOTS OF SWEARING! Lots of references to the first two Movieverse fics in this.
AN: Something written in the final days of school starts out cute then dissolves into my usual work.
PS: Ultra Magnus is in human form for the entire fic.
Koji stood in a random room in the Autobot base with Ultra Magnus.
"What the hell is that bright light thingy?" Ultra Magnus asked staring at the portal to the Movieverse.
"My curse," Koji sighed as they were sucked in.
Ultra Magnus looked around the dungeon he was standing in. "Well this is new," he commented, looking down at his now human body.
"Did you say something, Dagonet?" Lancelot—who looked surprisingly like Sideburn turned human—asked.
"No," said Ultra Magnus, looking around for Koji.
"Good. Now go check the cells to see if anyone is still alive."
Ultra Magnus lifted the lid to the first cell. All he found was a group of harem girls smiling at his coyly. He dropped the lid and moved on to the next cell. This one contained a Pamela Anderson lookalike in a string bikini.
"Damnit, where is that kid!?" Ultra Magnus growled.
"If you like kids, there are some girls in the cell across the way," Pamela said.
"I'm looking for a boy," Ultra Magnus growled.
"So you go that way?" asked Pamela.
"NO!" Ultra Magnus said, slamming the lid before moving on to the next cell.
"This last one I'm checking. If he's not in here he's on his own," Ultra Magnus grumbled. He lifted the lid and found a six-year-old Koji looking up at with the 'kicked puppy' look in his eyes.
"I don't wanna be in the Movieverse anymore," Koji cried
"It's okay Koji," Ultra Magnus said soothingly while picking the crying boy up, rocking him gently, and rubbing calming circles on his back.
"I didn't know you favored boys Dagonet," said Lancelot, coming up behind him. Ultra Magnus punched him in the face, breaking his nose.
Koji was clinging to the stabilizer of an overturned sailboat. "I hate the Movieverse," he muttered looking at the shark fin that circled the boat.
Ultra Magnus sat on the other boat, making a flaming spear out of a few handy objects he'd found.
"Damn, Macgyver don't got nothing on you," the teenager next to him commented. "Are you sure that will kill it?"
"Kill it? Hell no," Ultra Magnus answered.
"Then what's it for?"
"This," said Ultra Magnus, tossing it at the conveniently hovering helicopter. When it was firmly embedded in the helicopter's fuel tank, Ultra Magnus grasped the cord he'd attached to it, swung out over the water and around the capsized ship Koji was clinging too. He scooped up Koji just as the fuel tank exploded hurling the helicopter right down onto the shark with another explosion. Ultra Magnus did a flip in midair, landing on the boat he was originally on before crouching down to shield Koji from the flying shark guts.
"You need to stop watching so many action movies," Koji glared.
Koji found himself standing on a ledge three stories up, wearing way too much leather. "Well, it beats being a Latina chick," Koji sighed. "Where's Ultra Magnus?" he said looking down at the street. He spotted Ultra Magnus being trailed by two strange men.
"Well this ought to be interesting," Koji said, jumping from the ledge and landing in front of Magnus.
"What's with the leather kid?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"Do we honestly have to go back to the kid thing? It's annoying," Koji complained.
"Death Dealer!" screamed the two men that were trailing Ultra Magnus.
"Whatever," Koji said, pulling out two hand guns and shooting them.
"Since when do you have guns?" Magnus asked.
"Since when do you have crappy buckteeth?" Koji asked.
"I do not!"
2 Fast 2 Furious
Koji was now sitting in a pink convertible at a starting line of a race when Ultra Magnus pulled up in a silver Euro car.
"Kid… You're a girl," Ultra Magnus said, taking in Koji's new look. Koji glared back at him.
Ten Minutes Later…
Koji was sitting on the hood of the pink convertible smirking at a soot covered Ultra Magnus.
"That ain't right," Ultra Magnus grumbled.
"Should have thought of that before you called me a girl," Koji smirked.
"But you are!"
"Do I need to run you off another bridge," Koji asked. Ultra Magnus looked at the smoking wreckage of his car that was now at the bottom of a ravine.
"No, I'm good."
"What's with that woman down there?" Ultra Magnus asked, looking down from a cliff at a woman who was being drug around the surface of the water while screaming hysterically.
"I think this is the first Jaws movie," Koji said.
"So it's not safe to go back in the water?"
"Okay… Why is it that 9 times out of 10 there's no blood when the shark attacks?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"Eh… Can we leave now? These screaming chicks always give me a headache. You'd think the damn shark would finish them off just to shut them up."
"Just let go already!" Ultra Magnus yelled at Sideburn. "Damn time paradoxes," he grumbled while Koji sat next to his past self and the young couple that were huddled together for warmth.
"He does realize that's an inanimate car, right?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"Does he—" Koji started.
"Realize Kelly's—" Past Koji said.
"Car is inanimate?" they finished together.
"Now that was just weird," Ultra Magnus said, staring at the two Kojis
Pirates of the Caribbean
"This is definitely not a good movie to be sent to so soon after Jaws," Ultra Magnus commented. He was being made to walk the plank by a dirty and very hairy pirate.
"Move along to Davy Jones locker matey. Don't worry about the lad, we'll take good care of him," the lead pirate said putting his arm around Koji who was now sporting a pair of knee pants and a baggy shirt.
"I don't suppose I could go with him?" Koji asked trying to scoot away from the pirate.
"Lad, I think you're a little confused as to what Davy Jones's locker is," the pirate told him.
"Where people who drown go?"
"Alright, maybe not. But you still can't go," the pirate said.
"Because I said so."
Ultra Magnus grabbed Koji and did a back flip into the water while the pirate was talking.
The Creature from the Black Lagoon
"Why the hell are we in black and white?" Magnus asked.
"This must be a really be a really old, low budget movie," Koji said looking around the grotto.
"Well it sure ain't Pleasantville," Ultra Magnus said as a really crappy looking rubber suited creature snuck up behind them.
"Whatever it is, it sure beats Jaws," Koji said.
"Got a point there," Ultra Magnus agreed, as the creature grabbed Koji and jumped in the water. "Here we go again," Ultra Magnus sighed. "Five. Four. Three. Two. One," Ultra Magnus counted the seconds before Koji resurfaced alone.
"Why do the monsters always grab me?" Koji asked dejectedly.
"Well since there aren't any women around they probably figure they need to go after a kid. Kids and women are the only one's safe in B-movies, right?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"Kay!" a strange man in short shorts ran up to Koji and tried to pull him into a romantic embrace.
Ultra Magnus stood over the now unconscious man with his fist throbbing. "Just cause the monsters use kids as substitutes for women doesn't mean the men can," he growled.
"Can we go home now before someone else mistakes me for a girl or I get turned into a chick again," Koji suggested.
"Yeah. You have major PMS problems when that happens."
Koji just pushed Ultra Magnus into the water and walked off.
When Ultra Magnus resurfaced sputtering he glared after the boy. "Heh, he's not a total pushover after all," he chuckled.
Step Father III
"I thought we were going back," Ultra Magnus said, looking around.
"I guess we haven't reached a movie quota," Koji sighed.
"Movie quota?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"The number of movies we go through. If we don't have a remote we have to reach our movie quota to leave the Movieverse," Koji explained.
"How high is the movie quota?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"Anywhere between eight and sixty," Koji sighed again. Ultra Magnus's eye began to twitch. "Don't look at me that way. I didn't make up these stupid rules."
"Yeah, yeah… Why are you in a wheelchair?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"Huh?" Koji looked down to realize he was indeed in a wheelchair. Then looked around he saw lots of plants and gardening equipment… including a huge wood shredder.
"Ohhhhh crrraaaapppp," Koji hissed.
"What movie are we in now? Biodome?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"No… judging from the wheelchair, nursery, and the fact that you're a woman—"
"What?!" Ultra Magnus said looking at his chest that was now curved along with his hips and butt.
"—I'd say we were in Stepfather III."
"There's a nut-job who's obsessed with getting the perfect family. When things go bad, he kills the family and moves on to the next," Koji explained.
"An how did it end?"
"The wheelchair bound kid miraculously starts to walk despite the fact that he hasn't used his legs since his parents divorced and both his parents have had enough time to remarry and therefore he shouldn't have enough muscle in his legs to support him muchless allow him to walk. Then the kid pushes his stepfather into a wood shredder. Judging from the blood splatter I'd say he's already done it."
"So what was the point of us coming here?"
Godzilla: King of Monsters
"Are we out?" Ultra Magnus asked looking at the streets of Tokyo. Strangely, even when he stopped talking his lips kept moving. "What the hell is wrong with my mouth?"
Koji didn't answer. He just glared around him at the streets, which were in black and white. "Somebody is seriously making fun of my heritage," he growled in Japanese.
"How come your lips don't move after you stop talking?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"Because I'm speaking Japanese," Koji answered sharply.
"So what movie are we in?" Ultra Magnus asked. Just then, a mob of Japanese people ran past them, fleeing in terror. Strangely enough, Koji wasn't trampled like Ultra Magnus, for some reason the crowd flowed around him instead.
"What the hell was that about?" Ultra Magnus asked, pealing himself off the ground. Koji's glare down the street was unwavering. Suddenly the ground began to shake rhythmically, as thought something very large was walking toward them. Then a shrill roar cut the air and the creature that made it came into view.
"Damn, that thing's as big as Fortress Maximus," Ultra Magnus said staring up at the monster as it approached them. "Maybe we should join your countrymen in their flight of terror," Ultra Magnus suggested.
Other than raising an eyebrow, Koji didn't acknowledge that he'd heard Ultra Magnus. His eyes never wavered from the monster.
It stopped twenty feet away and glared down at them, obviously expecting them to flee in terror. It then roared at them.
"We're not frozen in terror dumbass," Koji told the monster.
"Speak for yourself kid," Ultra Magnus said, backing away.
The monster roared at Koji again.
"I'm not fleeing in terror because I'm not terrified, genius," Koji informed the monster.
"Wait a second. Do you actually understand that thing!?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"Look here," Koji told the monster, "I faced down a frickin' half-dead dictator in a death match, fought an army of evil aliens, survived a desert planet with nocturnal hammer-headed things, been chased by a huge-ass heard of raptors, been attacked by both Freddy and Jason, was on the Titanic twice while it sank, have been chased by a goddamned T-rex and Spinosaurus, lived through three JAWS movies, been canoeing down the river from Deliverance, and had to put up with Sideburn's stupidty through it all!!!!!!!!!!!!And now you're going to frickin' ask me why I'm not scared of two hundred foot monster with messed up eyes and cellulite!? Are you kidding me?!" Koji finished his rant.
The monster stared at Koji for moment before scooting around him and continuing on his rampage.
"What just happened?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"Godzilla says it's not right to devourer or squash someone who is not in their right mind. He also offered me his assistance if I should ever need it," Koji said tiredly.
"Okkkk… Are you alright?" Ultra Magnus asked.
"No. This is my third trip to the Movieverse and it just gets worse and worse. I either get turned into a woman, kidnapped by something, chased and or attacked by something, and I always, always, have to save my own ass because Sideburn is too distracted by some petty thing like a dent in his armor, a red Model T—"
"I could have swore those things only came in black," Ultra Magnus muttered.
"—, a field mouse, or a stupid puppet show put on by an evil clown who like to devour children."
"A puppet show put on by an evil clown? Which movie was this!" Ultra Magnus asked.
"IT," Koji sighed. "While Sideburn was distracted, Pennywise tried to eat me… I killed him with a sling shot and a silver rock," Koji said.
"Okay," Ultra Magnus muttered in disbelief. "But come on, there's got to be some way you can make all this travel to the Movieverse work for you."
"You sound like Bob Mowad," Koji said.
"Just think about it! You've been in just about every movie in existence with a rating between G and R. There's got be some advantage to that," Ultra Magnus insisted.
Koji thought about it for a moment and then began to grin evilly.
Back in the RiD Universe
"I'm really starting to like this kid," Ultra Magnus laughed to himself as he watched Koji and Godzilla chase down Sideburn.
"This—this—this is your doing, isn't it! Isn't it!" Optimus accused, pointing a shaking finger at his brother. All the other Autobots stood behind him, seeming to agree with their leader's assessment of blame.
"Oh come on, the kid's really enjoying himself. You can't blame me for wanting him to be happy now, can you?" Ultra Magnus asked, able to hear Koji's maniacal laughter even over Godzilla's roars and Sideburn's screams of terror.
"Godzilla is going to kill our brother! If you wanted to make Koji happy, why didn't you just buy him an icecream cone instead of turning him into a homicidal maniac like you!" X-brawn yelled.
Suddenly Godzilla stopped chasing Sideburn.
"What's going on now?" Prowl asked.
"That kid's got very good hearing," Ultra Magnus commented as Godzilla started stalking toward X-brawn.
"Wh—what's he going to do?" X-brawn asked.
"Remember what Godzilla did to that Doritos truck in that commercial?" Ultra Magnus asked.
The Autobots fled.
"See how they run," Ultra Magnus laughed.
AN: Bob Mowad is a motivational speaker who does the Unlocking Your Potential series. I had to sit through a million videos of it in ROTC. Ultra Magnus' last quote came from a nursery rhyme.