Disclaimer: I own nothing. I'm only writing for fun!
AN: Okay, I know almost no one reads NB fics anymore and especially not Nash/Caitlin fics but I don't care. Finally after more than two years I found the time to write a NB fan fic again and I am so damned happy about this that I don't care if anyone reads it or not. This fic is for Cass who begged me to write a Nash/Caitlin ficfor her for about ten months now. Here it is Sista!
Warning: I did not watch NB for two years so I cannot guarantee that this is in-character. Okay in fact it's pretty much our of character, but it's set in 2006, means 6 years after Caitlin left so it might also be in character since we'll never know how the characters developed in6 years;)
Summary: Caitlin returns after 6 years and has one shocking confession to make.
It was probably just meant to be one of these days. Not only that the Chief had once again decided to let someone take a closer look on the SIU, personal problems and Joe's new idea for their detective agency had also added up to his already bad mood.
Cassidy had a new boyfriend. He hadn't met him yet but he already hated him. She had told him that 'Brian' was working for the FBI and that was already reason enough to not trust him.
Nick, Nick was another story. It wasn't that he had done something that might have annoyed Nash; it was more the fact that he was upset about the fact to see his father suffer from Alzheimer's. And it was more and more difficult to convince him to stay at home when no one was there to accompany him outside.
He let himself drop down on his sofa, stressed out from the latest case and simply everything that had caused the annoying headache he was suffering from at the moment. Suddenly he heard footsteps on the stairs, first he had thought that his stressed out mind was fooling him but then he could clearly hear that someone was entering his living room.
He knew these footsteps.
But what the hell was she, she of all persons, doing here? He had not even opened his eyes yet but already started wondering whether or not he should feel good or bad about seeing her again.
What could be her reasons to come here? After all these years? This couldn't be good.
"Hey." Her voice sounded soft and it wasn't that professional tone that he had gotten used to in the last months before she had left. No it was this personal tone that he had missed so much ever since they had broken up.
He opened his eyes and sat up, running his hand through his hair to rearrange it. Only then he allowed himself to look at her. She looked good. This wasn't a professional visit, so much was clear. She was wearing her hair in a ponytail, almost no make-up and sporty clothes. "Hey." He replied still a little stunned by the fact that she had shown up here.
"Uhm, I know you… are probably everything else but pleased to see me, but…" She stammered. He couldn't remember that she had ever been insecure when it came to talking with him; at least she had never let him notice it.
"Who said I wouldn't be pleased to see you?" His bad mood was washed away for a moment. In fact, now since he was sure that she wasn't here to talk about work, he was indeed pleased to see her. She could be very reconcilable when it didn't come to work. He gave her a charming smile.
She smirked. "You did not change at all, did you?"
Nash shrugged and left his seat. "Can I get you anything?" He made his way to the kitchen.
"Don't you want to know why I'm here?" She asked and followed him.
"I think you're going to tell me sooner or later." He handed her a bottle of water from the fridge. "Water?"
"You'd not believe me when I'd tell you that I'd just wanted to say 'Hello', would you?" She took a seat on a stool and crossed her legs.
"I am sure that you have your reasons, you wouldn't beyou if you hadn't." He winked at her and earned an annoyed look from her. Yes, she hadn't changed at all. "So, how was DC?"
"Not like I had expected it to be." She opened the bottle and took a few sips from it. "DC is really not my thing, I should have known that before."
"Well you weren't happy here anymore, maybe everything else seemed to be better than staying here to you back then. A lot of things had happened in a very short period of time, you just needed to get away from it."
"I wish it would be that easy." She sighed and tried to meet his gaze.
He arched an eyebrow and threw an asking look at her. "Why did you come back?"
"It would be easier to start with my reasons to leave." She confessed. A strand of hair had loosened from her ponytail and it fell into her face. "In fact it would have been easier if I would have been honest with you in the first place."
The expression in his eyes softened. He slowly reached out for her face and brushed the strand of hair back behind her ear.
Her hands began to shake and he placed his left hand on her right one. She took a deep breath, obviously trying to find the strength to speak. Eventually she broke the silence. "Back then, when we were… when we were about to break up…" She swallowed hard. "I don't know if you still remember it but back then Frankie Dwyer…"
"…Had hired someone to kill me." He finished her sentence feeling how difficult all this was for her.
"Yeah… and we were in that restaurant, having dinner. The woman he had hired was dressed up as a waitress and when she was about to attack you she kicked me into the stomach…" She was shaking even harder now. "…When you asked me if I was okay I said yes but the truth is that I wasn't. I didn't know it back then though… a couple of days later I found out that…" Tears rose up in her eyes and she couldn't continue to speak for a moment.
He really didn't know what to do, he wished he could tell her that everything was okay but for her it obviously wasn't. He softly squeezed her hand and caressed it with his thumb.
After a long moment she continued to speak. She had found her strength back. "I was pregnant, but our relationship was over and I knew it. It wouldn't have made sense if we would have stayed together, you didn't want to take it further and I didn't want to wait any longer. I knew that I would have to tell you that I was going to have a baby from you at some point but in that moment it just didn't seem to be the right time."
Nash felt how his chest tightened. Now he could sense what had happened back then.
"I mean if I would have told you about my pregnancy then, I don't know… I don't think that you're the type of man who keeps up a relationship just because the woman suddenly gets pregnant, but… I… never mind, it didn't matter anymore anyways. I lost the baby because of what had happened in the restaurant that night." She tried to meet his gaze to read his feelings from his expression.
He didn't know what to feel. She had just told him that six years ago she had been about to have a child with him! If that one night hadn't been then he'd be the father of her child now. They'd be parents. Things would all have been different. Maybe she wouldn't have left San Francisco then, maybe she would have stayed, maybe she would even have stayed with him.
Why was she here and told him about it now? Why now? Why not before? He knew that she was aware of the questions he was asking himself right now. He could open is mouth, break the silence and ask her, but he didn't want to push her into anything.
The woman in front of him was – other than he had been thinking before – very different from the woman he had loved back then. The confident and strong woman she had once been was broken now. He could see it in her eyes.
"I should have told you, I should at least have told someone… I never told anyone. No one knew, not even my sister. One day I just couldn't stand it anymore. I had lost you, I had lost our child, I… I did not even like my job so I thought when I'd leave then I could maybe forget about everything that happened back then." She sighed and paused for a moment. "I told my sister that I wanted to leave San Francisco and she offered me to come to DC for a while. I thought I could deal with it, I mean seeing her with her baby. My… our, baby would have been just as old as my niece was and seeing her grow up always… always made me question myself questions like 'how would my baby look?' or 'would he be able to speak yet?'… It tore me apart… I…one day I lost control over myself. Funny," She gave a short, ironic laughter. "I have always been so in control, I never would have done anything that would break the law – well except for the things that I did when I was working with you," She winked at him, suddenly regaining strength for a moment. Then she became serious. "I tried to drown my pain in alcohol and when that didn't work anymore I took the stronger stuff. Until one day I was caught while I was driving under the influence of drugs."
Drugs, Caitlin using drugs? No he definitely couldn't believe that. He did not want to believe that!
"That happened fourteen months ago. One should think I should have gotten over the loss of a child in all these years, but… I don't know. Well, I learned to deal with it now… I think if I would have tried to get help before I would have never started to use drugs, but I guess you're always smarter in the end."
"So is that why you're here? A twelve steps program?" He asked after a moment.
She nodded. "I have to face my demons, my fears and the things that I feared for so long. All the pain that I swallowed in the past. Those who I hurt and those who I betrayed… and… well, I also needed to tell you… you had the right to know…" Now tears ran down her cheeks, he didn't know whether or not he should wipe them away, he didn't know if he should maybe pull her into his arms and hold her, if he should take care of her. "I'm sorry that I never told you." She began to sob harder and he just couldn't stand seeing her like this anymore.
He surrounded the table and stood close in front of her now. Gently he pulled her into his arms, holding her close to him. "It's okay." He whispered softly.
She clung on to him as if he was the last blade of grass that she could hold on to. "I should have told you… you had a right to know, I wasn't allowed to keep quiet about it."
"Don't worry about that." He pressed her closer against his chest while she leaned her head on his shoulder.
After a long time she calmed down. They had both settled down on the sofa, still holding each other. Nash did not really know what to feel. On the one hand he felt so incredible sorry for her and wished that he would have known about it earlier so that he could have been there for her – gosh she had had to go through all this alone, she had swallowed it all for years! On the other hand holding her so close to him reminded him of how much he had loved her back then and of how much loosing her had actually hurt him – it had been bearable as long as she had still been working at the SIU but the first months after she had left for DC had felt like hell. But he never would have confessed this – not even to himself – back then.
She leaned her forehead against his neck and took a deep breath. "Thank you." She whispered and let her hand travel over his chest.
"For what?" He asked a bit surprised and tightened his embrace around her.
"This." She sighed. "Thank you that you don't show me how mad you are."
"I'm not mad." He lightly kissed her forehead and ran his one hand though her hair, loosening the ponytail.
"Why not?" She asked unbelieving.
He pulled away from her enough to be able to meet her eyes. "I understand your reasons."
She swallowed hard but didn't say anything. For a long while they remained in silence until he just couldn't bear down the need to ask her anymore. "How long will you stay?"
"Why do you want to know?" Her question had been inevitable.
"I'd like you to stay." He confessed, never before he would have allowed a woman to make him feel like this, he did not feel the need to compete with her anymore. He was probably just tired, tired of being the way he had always been.
Back then when they had been together he had also felt different, somehow he wanted to feel like this again. She had had the power to make him feel different, different than other women made him feel. And she still owned that power.
But it was too early to talk with her about this, probably she didn't even want to ever be together with him again, probably she didn't want to give him another chance. But there was still time to find out about this, for once he would be able to wait. At the moment the only thing that mattered was to hold her and comfort her, it was too early for everything else.