Persepolis130's Notes: This format belongs to Theresa Green, and you need her permission before using it (but just ask-- she's really nice). Thanks much, Theresa! If you enjoy this fic, you should also read my guide for Rock Lee, as well as the guides for Neji, Shikamaru, and Sasuke written by AnTiJaKe. This fic is a companion to those four. Extra thanks to Luthen for her input.
Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual To SABAKU NO GAARA
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of your very own SABAKU NO GAARA unit. To make sure you receive the full benefits from your super creepy, demon-possessed insomniac, it is suggested that you read the following information thoroughly.
Name: Sabaku no Gaara (Gaara of the Desert)
Weight: 86 lb
Place of Manufacturer: Hidden Villages Incorporated, Sand Nin Division
Your SABAKU NO GAARA Unit Comes with the Following Accessories:
Black Mesh Undershirt
Black Capri Pants
Pair of Black Sandals
Blue Sand Headband
Brown Leather Shoulder Harness
White Bandages (x2)
Huge-Ass Sand Gourd
Shukaku Ichibi Programming (pre-installed)
Home Tattoo Kit
You may notice, when you first open the box, that your SABAKU NO GAARA unit appears to be wearing heavy black eye shadow. This is completely normal and does not indicate that the unit has been tampered with in any way.
Your SABAKU NO GAARA unit comes with a number of functions and modes. Below are listed several of his many uses:
Bodyguard/Hitman: Your SABAKU NO GAARA unit, as a son of the former Kazekage, is a natural ninja genius. If the situation requires copious blood-letting and random carnage, you can count on your GAARA unit to assist you in any way required.
Haunted House Attendant: GAARA units are generally terrifying enough even without expensive makeup, costumes, or training, to frighten the crap out of random passers-by. Imagine what a terrifying addition he would make to your haunted house!
Beach Comber: Your GAARA unit is capable of manipulating sand (with help of his pre-installed Shukaku Ichibi programming) and has the capability to find lost items on the beach without the use of a metal detector. Buried treasure awaits!
Sticker Album: Your SABAKU NO GAARA unit's Huge-Ass Sand Gourd is a perfect place to keep and show off your favorite stickers! Try a few Hello Kitty or Spongebob Squarepants stickers to liven up his current dull collection!
Your SABAKU NO GAARA unit comes with the following modes:
Please note that your SABAKU NO GAARA's default mode, Murderous, stems from his need to kill in order to confirm his own existence, due to his lack of love (and cookies) as a child. GAARA units in their default mode will not hesitate to kill anyone or anything they feel like killing, no matter how inconvenient or messy it may be. For this reason, GAARA units are not recommended for households with pets or small children.
If your GAARA is well-fed and has recently killed to his satisfaction, his mode may lessen in intensity from Murderous to simply Vicious. In this mode, the unit occasionally appears out of nowhere to hang upside down by his feet from trees in order to threaten KANKUROU units, but without any real killing intent. However, the probability of a mode shift from Vicious back to Murderous is quite likely, since being only Vicious is not quite screwed up enough for most GAARA units.
If a SABAKU NO GAARA unit's murderous designs are not realized, he becomes very stressed. In such a case, he may shift to Clinically Insane Mode. While in this mode, GAARA units tend to isolate themselves inside large sand cocoons, making random hand signs and holding one-sided conversations with their long-dead mothers.
If no UCHIHA SASUKE unit's Chidori feature is introduced to halt the process, Clinically Insane Mode will lead to Shukaku Merged Mode. This mode is particularly unattractive and is thus generally disliked by fangirls. Deactivation of this mode in order to return the GAARA unit to its usual cutely creepy appearance may require an exploding kunai up the GAARA unit's ass. Use of an UZUMAKI NARUTO unit is highly recommended, since few other units are stupid enough to try it.
Please note that the SABAKU NO GAARA does not currently have access to his Slash Mode. For the safety and sanity of all involved parties, it is best that it stay that way until after his Alternative Mode is unlocked (please see FAQ's).
The Alternative Mode of the SABAKU NO GAARA unit can only be opened by UZUMAKI NARUTO units in their Life Altering Motivational Speaker Mode. After its Alternative Mode is unlocked, the GAARA unit will realize that it is not alone in the world and will gain a new understanding of life. Only in this mode can your GAARA unit utilize such complicated vocabulary as "please" and "thank you."
Relations With Other Units
Your SABAKU NO GAARA is a murderous, socially and emotionally stunted unit who will be feared and avoided by most other units. Below are listed specific models that are functionally compatible with your SABAKU NO GAARA:
BAKI: BAKI units are the Jounin sensei of the SAND SIBLINGS SET. Your GAARA unit will occasionally take orders from a BAKI unit, but only when it suits him (i.e. copious bloodletting is involved).
KANKUROU: The older brother unit of the SABAKU NO GAARA and second of the SAND SIBLINGS SET, KANKUROU units much prefer playing with their puppets to interacting with other human beings, especially creepy ones with scary gourds on their backs. They put up with GAARA units because they have to, but don't expect KANKUROU units not to cower in fear and/or wet their cat suits in his presence.
ROCK LEE: ROCK LEE units in their Open Gate Badass Mode have the ability to physically injure GAARA units, an impressive feat which few other units can accomplish. Additionally, SABAKU NO GAARA units were born without any eyebrow whatsoever, whereas ROCK LEE units were born with enough for a small village. Taking these important factors into account, as well as GAARA's secret childhood passion for legwarmers, putting these two units together will clearly produce an interesting result.
TEMARI: The older sister unit of SABAKU NO GAARA and first unit of the SAND SIBLINGS SET, TEMARI can occasionally calm the GAARA unit, though at a risk to her own well-being. However, since TEMARI is, in fact, even more of a hard-ass bitch than NARA SHIKAMARU's maternal unit, the danger is negligible. However, extreme caution should be taken when placing the two units together, as GAARA units would most assuredly prefer to feast upon TEMARI's still-beating heart than hug her. (NOTE: Live human sacrifices to the Shukaku are neither required nor advised.)
UCHIHA SASUKE: Though SABAKU NO GAARA units will kill UCHIHA SASUKE units given the slightest opportunity, it is surprisingly not on account of the unit's dashing good looks. On the contrary, GAARA units desire the immediate death of SASUKE units because… well, killing UCHIHA units is just the thing to do nowadays. ITACHI did it, and look at how cool he is! Allowing your SABAKU NO GAARA unit to brutally murder an UCHIHA SASUKE unit is not advisable, however, due to the fact that having every single UCHIHA SASUKE fangirl in Konoha bent on GAARA's destruction may prove taxing to the unit's patience.
UZUMAKI NARUTO: Your SABAKU NO GAARA unit, though he will initially dismiss UZUMAKI NARUTO units as unthreatening, will eventually grow to feel a sense of kindred and respect for UZUMAKI NARUTO units. A NARUTO unit has this effect on a GAARU unit due to his similar past, his Life-Changing Motivational Speaker Mode, and the fact that NARUTO's demon is way cooler than his is. However, caution should be taken when placing the two in proximity, as interaction with NARUTO units will most likely cause large toads to drop on GAARA's head.
Your SABAKU NO GAARA unit is fully capable of cleaning and grooming itself and should not be assisted in these matters if you value your life.
Feeding and Rest
Your SABAKU NO GAARA is quite self-sufficient and does not require scheduled feedings. However, should you feel the desire to establish a routine, it is recommended that you not feed him tasty dessert foods such as sweet bean jelly or glazed chestnuts. GAARA units enjoy gizzard, salted tongue, and anything else particularly vile or disgusting. Daily rest is required for your GAARA unit in order to avoid exhaustion and a shift into his Clinically Insane Mode. However, actual sleep should be avoided at all costs, as it leads to your unit transforming into a huge sandy tanuki, which may lead to massive casualties and/or extreme property damage, and will require extensive vacuuming.
Unfortunately, you may grow tired of your SABAKU NO GAARA's continual desire to intimidate and/or kill other units, causing you to wish to dispose of him. As this has been attempted any number of times, but to no avail, it is recommended that you attempt to resell or reformat your unit.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Question: My SABAKU NO GAARA unit has been thoroughly trounced on the battlefield by an UZUMAKI NARUTO unit and has been rendered immobile. What should I do?
Answer: Allowing the NARUTO unit to converse with your GAARA will most likely unlock the GAARA's Alternative Mode, which will open the unit's eyes to the fact that maybe, just maybe, killing everyone in sight is not the best life strategy. However, if you prefer your GAARA brutal and remorseless, it is highly recommended that you remove the unit immediately.
Question: No matter what I do, no other units want to go anywhere near my SABAKU NO GAARA, and when they do, all he does is stare creepily at them. How can I get them to interact?
Answer: Unless your GAARA unit's Alternative Mode is unlocked, it is best that you allow your unit minimal contact with other units, unless you too delight in bloodshed.
Question: My SABAKU NO GAARA unit often makes strange gurgling noises in his throat while clutching his forehead in pain. Is it broken?
Answer: Nope, just Creepy as All Hell.
Question: My GAARA unit nearly killed a ROCK LEE unit in battle but was stopped by a MAITO GAI unit, and he is now completely obsessed with murdering the LEE unit. How can I get my unit to stop roaming about random hospitals in search of his prey?
Answer: After witnessing a scene of such manly affection between a MAITO GAI unit and a ROCK LEE unit, it is only reasonable for your SABAKU NO GAARA unit to slip into a murderous haze. It is recommended that a NARA SHIKAMARU unit and an UZUMAKI NARUTO unit be positioned near the LEE's bed for his protection until a MAITO GAI can come to heroically save his beloved pupil. It is also advisable that you have Tylenol on hand for the horrific Migraines of Youth your unit will receive upon once again experiencing MAITO GAI's manly brows.
Question: I'm a perv, and I really want to unlock my GAARA unit's Slash Mode and take pictures to post on my livejournal. Which other unit should I use?
Answer: SABAKU NO GAARA units have no interest in anyone or anything weak, pretty, gentle, sweet, cute, or charming. What catches their interest is dominance, brutality, and the ability to cause the GAARA unit physical pain. And a nice ass. Though the unit may possess all the required specifics, we do not endorse the use of a TSUNADE (GODAIME HOKAGE) unit in this capacity, simply due to its extreme Wrongness Factor. However, if you dig yaoi, we recommend either an UZUMAKI NARUTO, UCHIHA SASUKE, or ROCK LEE unit. Make sure your SABAKU NO GAARA unit's Alternative Mode is unlocked first to avoid needless bloodshed.
Question: My SABAKU NO GAARA unit left without notice several days ago in a murderous rage, and all the ANBU units I've sent to retrieve him have ended up brutally slaughtered. How can I get him back?
Answer: Don't worry. Your GAARA is most likely just spying on an UCHIHA SASUKE unit. He will return before the Chuunin exams begin.
Problem: I purchased an UZUMAKI NARUTO unit to unlock my SABAKU NO GAARA's Alternative Mode, but nothing happens when I put them together.
Solution: Have the UZUMAKI NARUTO beat the crap out of your GAARA first. (See FAQ's)
Problem: The SABAKU NO GAARA unit does not seem to be bonding with the other SAND SIBLINGS COLLECTION units, even though they are his teammates and family members.
Solution: This is normal behavior.
Problem: The SABAKU NO GAARA unit came with the described accessories but is now wearing what appears to be a maroon jumpsuit. The color really clashes with his hair.
Solution: Wait a few days. He will soon get sick of this outfit and design another, as Sand Nins seem particularly fond of wardrobe changes.
With proper guidance and care, your SABAKU NO GAARA will grow to be a particularly terrifying, suspiciously eyebrowless shinobi. His warranty is good for two years, though it may be voided by manual removal of the Shukaku Ichibi programming. Please see our website for more information.