A fanfiction thought lost to all time…will rise again, like a phoenix from the ashes of the old…to draw reviewers once again, like moths to a flame….

Link: Cut the crap already! I wanna kick ass!

Num: Oh, quit it! Just be glad I'm writing this again!

Link: …You are calling me Link, my actual name, instead of "Chibi" or "CL" as you normally do.

Num: Well, this is your story….

Link: Right! Ahem… Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Minish Cap: Deleted Dialogues PHOENIX EDITION! Why Phoenix Edition? Well, this was originally written in script format, against the will of the tyrants of FF-dot-net. Num named it Phoenix Edition because she says it's like a phoenix rising from the ashes of old. In this new version, chapters will be longer (she's combining chapters), and bits of original material will be inserted along the way.

Random Villager: Numdenu owns nothing.

---CHAPTER 1: THE CHATTERING HAT OF DOOM---

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A long time ago…

"Uhnnn…wha? Date please?"

When the world was on the verge of being swallowed by shadow…

"Sounds like a fairy tale…."

The tiny Picori descended from the sky, bringing the hero of men a sword and a golden light.

"That's improbable."

With the sword, the light, and his wisdom and courage, the hero drove out the darkness, restoring light to the land.

"Hey, that guy looks like me…HEY!"

The people then enshrined the blade with care.

"That's…it? What…zzzzzzz…."

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A young girl, her hair flowing freely behind her, ascended the steps up to a snug little cottage. She crept in the door, and snuck up behind a man at an anvil, hammering out a sword.

"HIIIIIII SMITH!" The girl cheerfully screeched, sticking her face between him and his work.

The man jumped back with a start. "AAAAAH! DEMON NOBLE GIRL! RUN FOR THE-Saaaaaaay, you look just like Princess Zelda!" Crickets chirped. "Oh, wait, you ARE Zelda aren't you?"

"No, I'm Link," Zelda muttered sarcastically. She shouldn't have done that.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! THE APOCALYPSE! LINK IS CROSS DRESSING! I WAS GONNA WAKE HIM UP LATER, SON OF A BITCH!"

Zelda recoiled in shock. "It's just sarcasm, Smith! I really am Zelda! Geez!"

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"Apocalypse…Link…wake up…son of a bitch!" filtered through upstairs to where our story's hero was peacefully snoozing until awakened by his grandfather squawking like a headless cucoo. Groggily, he reached out and attempted to grab a grubby brown shirt from the nightstand.

"Liiiiiiink!" Zelda's "angelic" voice called up. "C'mon Link! Today's the Picori Festival!" Link shot up, tossing aside the grubby shirt and equipping nicer garb: his traditional green tunic. Doing absolutely nothing with his hair (it was solid), he headed down the stairs.

"Coming Zel-AAAAAAUUUUGHH!" And poor little Link tumbled down the stairs, bowling straight into the door. "I'm…here now…."

"Ok great let's go!" Zelda smiled cheerfully, and Link could feel a blush starting to come on…(hint hint).

As the two friends left for the festival, something sharp hit Link in the back of the head, causing him to fall flat on his face. Zelda was right in front of him, so it created a neat little domino effect.

"Owwww! What the hell was that for!"

"Something hit me upside the head! Ugh…" Link clambered up and looked at the object that had struck him.

It was a sword.

A sword with a note attached to it. The note read "Take to castle," plain and simple.

"Errrr…" Link slung the sword over his shoulder and continued to follow Zelda.

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"Hey, Link?"

"Yeah, Zel?"

"I…didn't have the heart to tell you before, but…."

Link's heart fluttered. This sounded suspiciously like a fluff scene….

"…But you stink like a pig," Zelda finished. Link's fantasies came crashing down on top of him. "What the hell are all those glass shards on top of you?"

"My fantasies," groaned Link.

"Well, anyways, we should…OH! LOOKIE!" Zelda scampered off to a booth where the vendor was selling various video games. "Super Smash Brothers Brawl! YES!"

Link sighed in relief. "Thank the Goddesses for curiosity."

"You're welcome," said Nayru, Farore, and Din. Before Link could utter another sound, they were gone on the breeze, leaving him gaping at where they were mere milliseconds before. His fantasies started to stir around him until they fell again to a bell ringing.

"WE HAVE A WINNER!" shouted the lady at the lotto booth. "Princess Zelda, pick your prize!"

Link perked up and pushed his way to the front of the mob assembled there, just in time to hear her say, "The shield, ma'am," above the roar of the crowd.

Link was now right behind Zelda, so he startled her when she turned around. Then the princess smiled sweetly. "Here, Link! Won't you look adorable with this shield?"

Link looked around. The whole town was watching. Slowly, he took the teeny tiny pitiful excuse for a shield. "Well…uhhhh…Zel, we should go to the castle now, right?"

Zelda grinned. "Alright, we'll go. NUM, SKIP US AHEAD A LITTLE!"

Link's jaw dropped. "Hey wait, wha-?"

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"THE AWARD CEREMONY WILL NOW COMMENCE!" exclaimed Potho. "VAATI, YOU MAY APPROACH THE SALAMI!" Potho was then KO'ed.

"He means the sword," assured King Daltus.

So yadda yadda yadda. Vaati walked up to the sword…then faced the camera and started laughing evilly.

"Mwahahahahahahaha! Within this chest is the force I seek, and with it, MY ARMY OF PARAKEETS WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE!" With that line, Vaati flung open the lid of the chest which moronically had a sacred sword stuck in it. Because of this, said sword broke like glass…or Link's fantasies. Whichever you prefer.

Everyone either died, got KO'ed, ran for their lives, or in Zelda's special case, got turned to stone. Yes, I'm skipping this friggin' scene. It's lame anyway. Well, a rabble of monsters came out an' stuff, Link gets KO'ed trying to be heroic, Zelda is turned to stone, and then Vaati gets angry because monsters were all that was in the chest. He said he would sue the Authoress, but she blamed Nintendo. So Vaati left to do just that, much to the dismay of Silver Ferret, who is a Vaati fangirl.

And then the Authoress skipped ahead again….

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"Hunh?" Link rubbed his sore bosom as he stood and realized he was in a forest. There was a note beside him, stating that to save Zelda he would need to get four elements and don a talking hat. The note was signed with one letter: "N."

This confused our little hero to no end, so he just wandered around in the fog of Minish Woods. There was an interesting rock…and there it is again…and again….

"HELP! I AM IN PAIN!"

Link ran towards the yell to see…a hat with a beak. For some reason, Link liked to see people in pain, so he took a snapshot before saving the thing, which introduced itself as Ezlo.

"Now stand on that stump, Rinku."

"My name is LINK!"

"Well, now you're a tiny Link." Link looked around and, sure enough, he was tiny. The hat continued chirping on like a tour guide: "Welcome to the world of the Minish!"

"Minish? What are those? Some kind of snack bar?"

"No, you call them 'Picori.'"

"So a Picori is really a snack bar?" This comment earned Link a peck on the head. "HEY! How in Termina did you get up there?"

They both said nothing, resulting in an awkward silence. "What's Termina?" Ezlo asked, raising a virtually nonexistent eyebrow.

More silence. They're not too talkative today, are they?

"So…what's a Picori if they're not a kind of snack bar?" Link inquired.

"ME!" shrieked Ezlo. "I'M a Picori!"

"So Picori are talking hats?"

"Well, I was cursed to take the form of a hat."

"Ah." Link nodded sagely. "Hey, what's that?" he asked wandering into the village.

"Minish Village, m'boy. Welcome to the Minish Village! It's called such because the population is all Minish!"

"What's a Minish?"

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"

So they wandered around for a little while, looking for someone who wouldn't say "Ripico Pico" or some such nonsense. Link eventually let Ezlo do the talking and sleepwalked around, muttering about "Cel-Shading." He was awakened by another painful beak connecting with his skull.

"OW! Hey, did we find someone?"

"You were muttering about Cel-Shading. Cel-Shading plus chibiness make up the Windwaker."

"And you're telling me this…why?"

"You may not have realized it, but you're a chibi."

"WHAAAAT!" Link furiously threw Ezlo down and was about to brutally slaughter him when he noticed… "Is that mushroom a house?"

Before the hat could get a word in edgewise, Link continued. "So that's why they taste so bad!" Silence, then Link groaned out, "I'll never eat another mushroom as long as I live."

A nut hit Link upside the head and ricocheted around until it landed in his mouth. Link accidentally then swallowed the nut, then suddenly understood what everyone was saying….

And yet again, Num skips ahead.

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Link is skipped ahead to Deepwood Shrine. He clears it and is about to enter the boss room. 'Nuff said. Let's continue.

"Well Link?" Ezlo asked nervously.

"You first," the hero replied.

"No, you."

"No, you go!"

"How about we go at the same time?"

"Okay…." And Link walked into the boss room with Ezlo on his head.

The door slammed shut and the ChuChu dripped through the ceiling with a mighty roar…wait, ChuChus can't roar!

"Link!" Ezlo screeched. "Use the Gust Jar from inside this dungeon earlier!" Yes, he has the Gust Jar. Num just skipped it.

The jar went to work sucking up the gunk from around the ChuChu's base, but it was taking too long, a fact that Ezlo took the privilege of bemoaning. "This is pointless. Why do we need the element?"

And Link remembered why he had set out…and the note. Yes, right there. There it was—his purpose in life!

"For Zelda!" Link cried, snatching Ezlo off his head and hurling the hat like a javelin straight for the ChuChu's eye…and hit a bulls-eye (no pun intended.)

The blob's eyes whirred around in circles before the thing exploded. Thus Link got the element.

"Alright, that's just dandy, but how do we get outta here!" Ezlo cried.

You guessed it—more skipping!

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"AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! TOO MUCH SKIPPING!" Link wailed. "I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORES!" At this point, Link banged his head on a conviently placed wall.

A Kinstone bag hit him upside the head, then an angry mob, pitchforks and all, deposited him in the mineral spring at the base of Mount Crenel.

"What was that all about?" Link wondered as he produced a bottle out of thin air and bottled the liquid.

A sign popped out of nowhere: HEAD BANGING ILLEGAL IN HYRULE

Link and Ezlo assumed expressions similar to O.o as the screen faded out.

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Num: And that was a combo of original chapters 1 and 2! Long enough for ya?

Link: You bet. Now I'm bored.

Num: Well start rehearsing for chapters 3-4, AKA Phoenix Edition chapter 2!

Zelda: Review.

FUN FACT: "Rinku" is Link's name in Japanese, which I did not know while I was typing this. Weird, huh? Yes Link, YOUR NAME IS RINKU! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!