TITLE: The Bad Touch
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: Cave Slayer want Xander. Bad. Now. Boy smell nice.
SPOILER: Beer Bad
DISTRIBUTION: Sandee, of course - My site - http://planetslaythis.homestead.com - Crystal and Butterfly if they want it - A Soul's Redemption - Anyone else - sure, just email me & lmk where it's going - I like seeing my name in print =)
FEEDBACK: Please, I'd hate to have to Slay for it. =P
RATING: TV-14
DISCLAIMER: Asshole Joss owns all. Stupid brilliant bastard that he is. 'The Bad Touch' belongs to the Bloodhound Gang.



//Haha, well now, we call this the act of mating

But there are several other

Very important differences

Between human beings and animals

That you should know about

I'd appreciate your input

Sweat baby, sweat baby

Sex is a Texas drought

Me and you do the kind of stuff

That only Prince would sing about

So put your hands down my pants

And I bet you'll feel nuts

Yes I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert

And you're getting two thumbs up

You've had enough of two-hand touch

You want it rough, you're out of bounds

I want you smothered, want you covered

Like my Waffle House hashbrowns

Comin' quicker than Fed Ex

Never reach an apex

Just like coca-cola stock

You are inclined to make me rise an hour early

Just like daylight savings time

Do it now


You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Do it again now


You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Gettin' horny now

Love the kind, you clean up

With a mop and bucket

Like the lost catacombs of Egypt

Only God knows where we stuck it

Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific

I wanna go down in your South Seas

But I got this notion

That the motion of your ocean means

Small Craft Advisory

So if I capsize on your thights

High tide B-5 you sunk my battleship

Please turn me on

I'm Mr. Coffee

With an automatic drip

So show me yours, I'll show you mine

Tool Time

You'll Lovett just like Lyle

And then we'll do it doggy style

So we can both watch the X-Files


You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Do it again now

You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals

So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Gettin' horny now\\


"Scar tissue that I wish you saw, something else I don't remember, it reminds with all," Xander sang as he looked through book after book for an answer - a cure preferably - to Buffy's Cave Slayer-itis. It had been two weeks and she was still in primal mode. Buffy had been doing her best to get Xander into bed and he'd been extremely strong in fighting her off. Not only did he *not* want to have her that way, but Anya would kill him.

She'd been living at his house all this time, strutting around in her little outfits and making a pass every five minutes. Willow had tried to cover her at school, but it was a lost cause. She would most likely be kicked out of the dorm, and then what? Joyce was still out of town and Giles was too busy having multiple orgasms with some British woman named Olivia to help, so it was up to Xander and Xander alone.

He watched her sleep in a slump on the bed and wondered if she would want to stay with him if she'd had a choice. He loved having her around, even if she was constantly trying to jump his bones. In most cases, that would be a plus.

"Beer," Buffy woke up and looked all around. "Need beer."

"No, there's no beer, Buffy." Xander said calmly.

"Buffy want beer!" she yelled, pounding her fists on the wall.

Xander went over to the bed and sat beside her, stroking her hair. "I don't have any beer."

"No beer?" she looked like a little lost child. "No beer?"

"No, no beer."

She began to cry and he held her for a long time. Then she suddenly jerked away from him.

"Boy smell good," she announced, leaning back slowly until she was almost laying down. "Boy want Buffy?"

Oh, God, yes. Those were the first words that came to mind. He watched her as she laid out all the way, the baseball jersey of his that she wore clinging to all the right curves. He'd never wanted anything or anyone so badly before.

"Buffy mate boy?" she asked hopefully. "Buffy mate boy now?" she asked hopefully.

"No, no, no mating." he said calmly. He was embarrassed by his body responded in the opposite fashion.

"Boy no want Buffy!" she began crying and sat up, crawling into the corner of the bed and banging on the wall.

"No, no, no, I do, I do want Buffy." he reassured her.

"You want Buffy?" she asked.

"Yes, very much."

"Mate now." she said flatly.

"No, no mating." Xander pulled her hands off of his shoulders.

She began crying again and when he tried to hold her, she pushed him against the wall.

"Mate now." she said flatly, running her hands over his chest.

Xander had no choice but to kiss her. Her lips were soft yet forceful. They reminded him only of his dreams, the ones where he could play guitar at the Bronze and then Buffy would screw his name, wanting him madly.

The ones that were about to come true, except for the guitar part.

Xander broke the kiss and ran his hand through her wavy hair. Buffy growled and pressed her body against him.

"Mate." she bit his earlobe and ran her tongue over his ear. "Now."

"Buffy--"

"Mate!" she cried, ripping his shirt all the way off and tossing it. "Mate boy!"

"Tell ya what," Xander smoothed his hair back. "I'll give you something and then you'll go to sleep. If you still want to when you get up, we'll mate."

"Mate," she said forcefully, digging her nails into his chest. "Now."

Xander didn't wanna, but he shrugged and did it anyways.

He kissed her.