By Andie O'Neill
Summary: When Elizabeth Weir finally admits her feelings toward John Sheppard, he shoots her down, but after she dies in his arm, he begins to regret what he did… but of course its to late… or is it?
A/N: John's finally found a way to see Elizabeth, but will it work? And how will Elizabeth react to what he has to say? Sorry for the long wait! Bad Andie:D This story is mostly on John's end, I wanted to get a little of Elizabeth in there, but I just couldn't get through the writer's block so I had to sort of 'write around it.' But anyway, enjoy!
"Doctor Kirby! We've got an emergency! Colonel Sheppard passed out in front of the infirmary! He's lost a lot of blood and he seems to be dehydrated," said one of the nurses.
Doctor Lauren Kirby sighed, running out of the lab to see what Colonel Sheppard got himself into. When she finally saw him she immediately wished Carson hadn't decided to take a day off. "Alright, get him on the bed, let's close that wound and put in an IV so he can get some fluids in him!"
When he awoke, it was to the sounds of the medical machines informing him as to where he now was. John smiled weakly as he slowly lifted his head to look around. No one…. John swallowed hard, his mouth strangely dry. Time to go. He tried to sit up, closing his eyes as the room spun around him. He felt like crap, but that didn't matter, what mattered was Elizabeth, he needed to see her. He had to talk to her. John tapped into all the strength he had left, pulling himself out of bed, wincing as the IV in his arm pulled from a tangle in the lines. John grabbed some gauze and tape, pulling the IV out and taping the gauze to his arm. Once he was free of the IV, John staggered through the infirmary, hiding from nurses and Doctors alike as if he were in a combat situation. The lights had been dimmed and John had noticed it was night as he walked past a window.
Where could she be? It wasn't busy at night, but he still needed to be careful. One false move and everything he'd done would be for nothing. He just had to be careful… very, very careful. John peaked into each curtain he passed, hoping it would be Elizabeth only to see someone else instead. He was running out of steam, but he refused to stop. He'd cut himself for Christ's sake! Okay, so it wasn't exactly normal to be injuring ones self to see a woman, but John needed to see her. She had to understand. He knew what she was going through, had seen it before, and he couldn't watch history repeat itself. Maybe he was going crazy. Maybe he'd finally lost it, but that didn't matter now. Crazy or not, he wouldn't stop now.
One more curtain to go. This had to be it. John held his breath as he slowly creped back the curtain, and there she was. John sighed in relief before sneaking inside. She was asleep… and she didn't look good. Crap! What was he doing?! He really was going insane! Normal people don't cut their arms! Normal people don't sneak around in the middle of the night not long after passing out from dehydration. Yup, he was nuts. He didn't need a psychologist to tell him that. "Elizabeth?" he whispered.
He could leave right then and there… and pretend nothing had ever happened. He could forget all of it. He could, so why wasn't he leaving? Why was he still standing there beside her? "Elizabeth!" he whispered again, shaking her arm gently.
Elizabeth sucked in hair; her eyes fluttering as she slowly reached consciousness. It took her a few seconds to assess her surroundings as well as the figure standing beside her. "John?"
His heart was beating a mile a minute. He couldn't breath, couldn't think, he couldn't even move.
"John, what are you doing here?" she asked, more aware.
Finally he was able to gain back control, though his heart was still pounding… his chest was even beginning to hurt. "Elizabeth… we need to talk."
"We need to talk? John, what the heck are you doing here?"
John frowned… he might as well tell her. She wouldn't just let it go. "Uh… I may have accidentally cut myself… and apparently it turns out if you happen to skip a few meals, the blood loss does a little more damage. Before I knew it, I was waking up in a bed in the infirmary with an IV in my arm."
"You cut yourself?!"
"Shhhh!" Good going Elizabeth, wake up the whole city why don't you?! "No I didn't cut myself!" he lied. Elizabeth stared at him in disbelief. "Okay… I may have cut myself a bit… but that's not the point! I needed to talk to you-"
"That's not the point?! That's not the point?! John, are you even hearing yourself speak here, or am I talking to a wall?"
John sighed. This was going well. "Elizabeth! I have done anything and everything to see you, but Carson said you wouldn't see me! Did you really expect me to do nothing?"
"No, but I also didn't think you'd go off cutting yourself either!" Elizabeth fought.
John knew she was angry, but at least he could for once see a spark in her eye… he hadn't seen that since before their child was killed… and it was all his fault! He'd done all this to talk to her though, not argue. "Well I did okay?! I didn't know what else to do! I was scared!"
Elizabeth closed her eyes for a second, shaking her head. "Scared?"
"You wouldn't see me… or anyone else for that matter. I was afraid you might…" John couldn't even begin to finish that sentence. "I had to make sure your okay."
Elizabeth looked away at that, no longer willing to meet his gaze. "John… I'm fine."
"I know you better than that, Elizabeth. If it's killing me, it has to be killing you. We both lost something here… but I won't let you deal with this alone. I know what you're going through-"
Suddenly Elizabeth was angry. "And what exactly makes you an expert?! Just because it was yours doesn't mean you know a thing!"
"Elizabeth! I had the freakin' gun in my hands! For all I know, this is my fault! That I understand perfectly well. You're right, I don't know what it's like for you, but that doesn't mean I'll let you push me away! I refuse to let you do this alone!"
"Why John? What do you care if I go though this alone or not?! The baby's gone, John! You're not tied to me in anyway! So why are you here?!"
She was crying now… he had to tell her. "I'm here because I won't let history repeat itself!" he finally told her, trying to fight his own tears at the situation. He was losing his mind! He wasn't sure how everything had gotten so screwed up so fast, but that didn't matter now. He had to pick up the pieces… because he wouldn't lose her. He couldn't do it all again.
"Did I ever tell you about my brother?" he asked.
Elizabeth looked up at him in surprise, watching him take a seat on her bed, his eyes turned away from her now. "Brother? I thought you were an only child?"
"No… I had a younger brother… his name was Michael… Michael Sheppard. I was about ten when my mom found out she was pregnant again. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but my parents… they were just so happy about it, I figured that I should be happy too." John slowly turned to look at her, finally letting a single tear fall down his face. "Then when he was born… I absolutely hated it. Suddenly my parents didn't know I existed. My Dad stopped taking me up to the golf course… he was too busy watching after the baby. My Mom didn't have the time to bother with me either… and if she wasn't taking care of little Mike, she was lying in bed completely exhausted. It didn't get any better as he got older either, but for some reason Mike looked up to me. He wouldn't leave me alone. Everywhere I went, he had to go. Everything I did, he wanted to do, and when he wasn't allowed to do it he'd freak out! Another person would have thought he was being attacked or something. I was so sick of it! My parents gave in to him everything time, and I always had to make the sacrifices. I was tired of it… I was tired of him having to follow me around like a little puppy. My friends were tired of it too. All we wanted to do was put a stop to it."
"What happened?" Elizabeth asked quietly.
John sighed, trying to hold on to his control. He hated telling it, but he had to tell Elizabeth. He had to tell her the truth. "My friends and I were going to head toward this park… it was surrounded by woods and ravines. We loved hanging out there after school. I came home that day and told my Mom where I was going… and like always Mike threw a fit! He wouldn't stop crying and it didn't take my Mother long before she was begging me to let the kid come with me. We got into this huge argument until my Mom simply told me that either he went, or no one went. So I took him along… and of course my friends were beyond tired when they saw him walk with me to the ravine. Not too many people knew about it… it was our own private sanctuary. Going across the ravine was this huge tree that had been uprooted in a storm ages ago. We all liked to climb over to the other side. I knew Mike was afraid, but I didn't care. I told him to stay on the other side if he was gonna be a chicken about it. I wanted to get rid of him, but he was too stubborn… he refused to stay. Once I'd crossed the ravine it was Mike's turn. I told him to turn back, that he couldn't do it, but he wouldn't listen. I thought he'd give up once he realized how dangerous it was… only he never did."
"Oh my god… he didn't!"
John shook his head. "It'd rained the night before… the tree was slippery. Mike tried his best, but he kept slipping. He made it to the middle of the tree before begging for my help. I wouldn't help him! I was such an idiot! I just told him to go back, that I wouldn't help. My friends and I turned away, ready to leave him. He got desperate. He tried to get the rest of the way across only to slip. He hit his head against some rocks. As soon as I realized what'd happened I jumped down and got him out of there. Some friends of mine ran to get help, but there was nothing anyone could do. He slipped into a coma… blood seeped into his brain and it was too late. He died on the operating table." He couldn't hold back the tears as he thought of his brother… he'd never forgive himself for what happened. John stared into her eyes, trying to hold back a sob. "When the Doctor's told us he was gone… my Mom took it the worst. She tried to be strong for me and my Dad, but in the end it just wasn't enough. She overdosed on pain killers…."
Elizabeth closed her eyes to stop her own tears, not sure how to react to what John was telling her. "Why? Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I won't let it happen to you, Elizabeth! I know you blame yourself, but it's not you who you should be blaming. Elizabeth, I'd do anything to take back what happened, but I can't, just as I can't change what happened to Mike. I love you, Elizabeth… and I can't live with the idea of losing you. I don't want to lose you the way I lost my Mother."
Elizabeth sighed, pulling John into a hug to his surprise. She held him hard, and John couldn't fight the sob that ripped from him as Elizabeth held him.
"I can't lose you, Elizabeth! I just can't!"
"You won't! I swear to you, John… you will never lose me," Elizabeth whispered back. "Oh god, I am so sorry! I never should have pushed you away! I am so sorry, John!"
It felt like hours before they finally let go of each other, both spent after the emotional rollercoaster they'd just been on. John rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes tight. "I don't deserve you."
Elizabeth just stroked his cheek. "Yeah well, I'll try to overlook that one," she told him, holding him even tighter. Her joke did the trick, John laughed.
John looked down at Elizabeth; suddenly feeling like his burden was being lifted. Maybe together there was hope… maybe they could get through what had happened. He had to believe everything would work out.
Suddenly Elizabeth frowned.
"What is it? Is something wrong?" John asked, worried once more.
Elizabeth laid a hand on her stomach. "Get Carson, now!"
She just shook her head. "I'm not sure. I've been feeling weird ever since the accident… something's not right, John. I could have sworn…" Elizabeth shook her head in confusion. "I could have sworn I just felt a kick."
John swallowed hard before running from the bed in search of Carson. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he did know one thing… they definitely needed Carson.
A/N: Mwhahahahahaha, what in the world is going on? I'm sure ya'll will figure it out, you usually do! Oh and keep in mind when John goes looking for Carson he doesn't know Carson's taken a couple days off! It isn't an accident! I did it on purpose:)