Summary: Clumsy first time off world with Lorne, Beckett, and the local wildlife, people, and drink. The new doctor makes a complete fool of herself. Mary Sue Challenge without romance Thank Heavens.

Placement: early Season 2

Rating: Teen

Genre: Humor/General

Characters: Dr. Santella, Lorne, Beckett, and some of Lorne's team, Cadman later on.

Disclaimers: This is my response to a Mary Sue Challenge from sliverofwingless posted by Lady Valmar at the forbiddengalaxies yahoo group.

Criteria/Rules: You cannot be on any team, including Sheppard's, that already has positions filled and you can't take a job already filled up. (Ex: Chief Doctor can't steal his job.) Also unless it is necessary for the job you've selected, you may not have the Gene, natural or otherwise. Your job can be anything excluding obscure jobs like a Wraith hunter or be an Athosian with Wraith abilities etc. There will be no sexual scenes, dates, pre-relationship or in relationship type stuff...attraction is fine. Must contain at least some small humor in scene and should have you interacting with one of the characters of Atlantis.

A/N: This is in my POV (since I'm technically the Mary Sue of course)

Travels of an UnSue Mary Sue

By NenyaVilyaNenya

Why did I think volunteering was I good idea? This is insane.

"Doctor? Are you ready?" Major Lorne clipped his P90 to his vest and gestured to the event horizon.

Like I'm ready to just step through a big puddle and expect to be on another planet. "Yes." I gripped the straps of my pack. A damn heavy pack. I must have looked like a turtle with that giant thing. Even Dr. Beckett looked rather like a turtle with his.

"Move out." Major Lorne instructed to his men… Coffman and Reed… I couldn't remember which was which though, and to make things worse, they had different ranks and their names weren't on their uniforms. Aren't the military supposed to have their names on uniforms? Maybe I could've tried a peek at their dog tags… On second thought, that would have been a little ridiculous.

The two men walked into the giant puddle as if it was an everyday occurrence. So maybe here it is, but back home the closest thing to interstellar travel was watching Star Trek.

Dr. Beckett assured me as he stood right in front of the event horizon, "It'll be fine lass."

Fighting back a snort, I started taking the few steps to his side. Who was he calling a lass? Miss I've been called, but lass? Besides, isn't he the one that doesn't like Stargate travel? At least that's what the others in the lab told me when they found out I was being dragged along on the mission to M7X-968 to see how far the locals had come in their study of medicine, DNA, nucleic acids, and other biomolecules. And he just has to have that wonderful accent. Doesn't he realize what qualities it adds to his already good looks?

Major Lorne placed a hand behind my back… pack really as I stepped up next to Dr. Beckett. His team was escorting us to the planet… essentially babysitting. Not that I was about to complain about having two marines and an Air Force Major with me on my first trip off world. Major Lorne's not too bad looking either.

Oh, so that's how they convinced me going off world was a good idea.


They did this on purpose.

With a deep breath, I barely registered Major Lorne's comment dealing with something about the first time through the Stargate and took a step through.

The next thing I knew, I was stumbling forward from the unexpected force of the wormhole and Major Lorne grabbed for me.

"Oomph!" The platform had come up to meet me, or rather I fell down to meet it. "Ow." I looked to my left and saw Major Lorne already pushing himself off the steps, where he had fallen a little ahead of me somehow.

"I'll help you up." Dr. Beckett held out his hand, and I stumbled to my feet, it being harder due to the pack. Why did I bring this much crap along?

"Thank you." I gave him a grateful smile before turning to my unfortunate victim, "I'm so sorry Major." Not only did I take him out, it was in front of his men. Who were snickering as discreetly as they could. Oh god, I hadn't even been off world for a minute and I made a fool of myself.

Major Lorne straightened out his vest, "It's okay. It's not everyday I can say a biochemist succeeded where others haven't." He gingerly touched his nose and wiped a trickle of blood.

"Let me see." Doctor Beckett walked over to him, but Major Lorne brushed him away.

"It can wait until we're back home."

Oh god, I broke the man's nose.

Dr. Beckett insisted, "At least give me a minute."

"Alright." Major Lorne stayed still as Dr. Beckett was doing whatever he was doing. Medicine isn't my thing exactly. At least not in the traditional sense with broken bones and surgeries. I deal with cellular components – proteins, lipids, DNA, carbohydrates, plasmids, and how systems of a cell interact. Besides carrying out my own work here, I'm assigned to studying the effects of the Wraith enzyme on cells, human and animal.

Coffman and Reed, whichever was which, were talking to each other as I stood awkwardly. They were probably talking about me beating up their commanding officer.

I. Broke. His. Nose.

How the hell do I manage to hurt people? Me, never broken anything. Not a sprain. Never been to the hospital for myself. But, I managed to send my brother to the ER from the YMCA for stitches and now I broke a Major in the Air Force's nose.

Dr. Beckett wrapped up and Major Lorne announced, "Let's move."

I apologized again. "I'm so sorry…"

"Don't worry about it." He shot me the tinniest hint of a smile buried underneath what I read as annoyance, but his voice didn't sound bitter or terse… so that was good.

Reed and Coffman, one blondish and he other taller, took the front while I found myself walking in between Dr. Beckett and Major Lorne. Not a bad place to be, but I wanted to shrink into a ball. Major Lorne's nose must really hurt him… the closest I've been to breaking something was when I was punched in the nose. It hurt for days.

The four men were talking about something or another while I looked around. We were walking through a grassy field, the grass reaching our knees. Their knees, my lower thigh to be exact. The little differences a few inches in height make. Forested lines were to our left and to our right and random trees dotted the field. The scenery was remarkably like back home in the Midwest - low hills, fields of wildflowers, and patches of woods. Though it had a few alien touches such as a small lime green bird not in the middle of a rain forest. Huh. Well, I suppose it makes sense that an inhabited planet must have the basic qualities to support life as we know it so it would look similar-

What the-? The top of my forehead hit something and I lifted my hand and my eyes to investigate… the tree branch.

Major Lorne and Dr. Beckett were looking back at me and I sheepishly picked up pace to walk with them. "The Alien tree had it in for me."

Dr. Beckett chuckled. The past week and a half since I arrived in Atlantis has certainly been made easier by having a boss like him. He's polite, caring, and sweet. I hope I don't get on his bad side, I bet he's the type of person you'd better run from if he was ever truly angry.

Major Lorne also laughed, "You never know when plant life can get nasty."

"I've never been good with plants. They all died on me whether they were in the garden or the house." I rubbed my forehead, hoping there wouldn't be a mark. The hat should prevent that… right?

"Maybe it sensed it and wanted revenge."

"That'd be my luck." God, I must give off the stereotypical clumsy-geek-scientist-going to get us all killed vibe. "The woods were always kind to me though."

"Do you go camping?"

"Yeah." Wait, how did I get into a conversation with the man whose nose I broke? And when did my boss go and strike up a conversation with Reed and Coffman? Or is it Coffman and Reed… Gah! The one on the left is hereby know as the blonde one, and the one on the right is the tall one.

"You actually get out of the lab then." He replied with a smirk.

"Yeah, but I love the lab. My friends in undergrad even got me a lab coat with 'Dr.' embroidered before my name. I pretty much had to get a PhD in something after that." Oh the memories… "But I'm an outdoors person. Camping, hiking, canoeing, even just sitting out in the breeze." Oh god, I'm rambling. Stop it!

"You hate plants but like the outdoors? Seems odd to me."

I shrugged, "It seems normal to me." It was time to get off the subject of me, why was he so interested anyway? "So what do you do in your spare time, Major?" I made sure my ponytail was still tight through the cap and the remnants of dark brown bangs were brushed away from my face. "Try to fly anything under the sun?" Maybe he just didn't want to walk in silence all the way to the village.

"I have hobbies-"

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted something and not caring I was giving a really good impression of a fish, I grabbed his arm, causing him to stop his reply.

"Doctor?" He followed where I pointing and instantly moved so he was in between me and the … giant rabbit?

"Coffman, Reed!" He hissed quietly.

They stopped and Major Lorne ushered me over to Dr. Beckett. Just inside the tree line to left was a rabbit about the size of my car. But taller when it stood up. It was jet black and chomping at leaves. In all resemblances, it was a giant fuzzy rabbit, floppy ears and al, but with a longer face than the typical wild Earth rabbit.

I'm saying –Earth- like I've been traveling to other planets for years… Gah!

Major Lorne and his men had their P90s trained on it. "There's something you don't see every day."

I bit back a laugh as I noticed my boss had his arm stretched out in front of me. How was that going to protect me from a giant rabbit? It's sweet though.

"It seems docile, sir." Coffman observed as it licked its paw and them rubbed its face. Or was that Reed? No, it's the blonde one. Damn it, why doesn't someone just say one of their names?

The tall one added, "And it's obviously an herbivore, so it shouldn't attack unless provoked, sir."

"Then let's not provoke it. Keep moving. We don't want to leave the Stineans waiting."

I was backing away already, after having a thought about a white killer rabbit with pointy teeth that seemed perfectly cute until it flew and ripped at the knights' throats. I found my way blocked and reached my hand out behind me, feeling fur.

My rather loud high-pitched scream caused the men to snap their heads around while both of the giant rabbits started screeching because of my scream.


As Dr. Beckett was trying to calm me down, I looked around at what Major Lorne was referring to. We were becoming surrounded by giant rabbits coming in from both tree lines. The two had called their buddies.


And guess what?

They were barring very large and very pointy teeth and were headed straight for us.

Before I knew it, the blonde Marine was pulling me in the direction of the village and shots were fired. I peered behind me and deduced the shots were meant to scare off the giant rabbits as I saw Major Lorne and the tall one fire shots into the dirt. Dr. Beckett was right behind me.

We hustled through the field as it became crowded with giant black rabbits hopping after us. Our speed wasn't as fast as it could have been due to the fact my boss and I were weighed down.

We finally put distance between us and them, apparently they just wanted us nowhere near them. I caught a glimpse of one's black butt leisurely heading in the opposite direction.

"Let's take a moment." Major Lorne ordered once we were out of that field and into one with much shorter grasses.

Major Lorne had this look of never wanting to escort me off world again.

Reed and Coffman just shook their heads, I couldn't tell if it was amusedly or out of anger. Maybe a mix.

Feeling rather dejected, I took a few steps away from the men and picked a candy-apple red flower. Maybe I'd try my luck with plants again. At least they can't talk and look at you funny and you can't break their noses.

Dr. Beckett came up next to me and whispered, "Don't worry. This beats my first time off world."

I wondered if that was a good or a bad thing.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed it. Leave me a little something :-)