Title: Bedtime Story
Author: Me…. Lady Cleo
Summary: A Future Fic; Jayne's version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Jayne/River implied. Silly little piece of fluffy.
"Read this one Daddy, Uncle Simon read it to me last night."
Jayne picked up the fluffy little book and looked it over with a frown. "They still make this go se."
"Language daddy…" The little five year old girl frowned as she snuggled into the bunk covers. Pulling a worn and tattered doll into her arms, she stared up at her father with bright round eyes.
"Wouldn't ya rather have your momma read ya somethin' nice and challenging with 'em big words ya like so much?"
She shook her head vehemently, "It's in the simple pleasures we seek that we find comfort." Jayne stared down at her little face and frowned, wondering why she had to take after her mother so much. "I wanna hear this one, else I ain't going to bed." The little girl added when her father took too long.
Jayne grinned, now there was 'his' little girl. He opened the book and eyed the small words and bright pictures wearily before clearing his throat, "Once upon a time in a far off kingdom there lived a…" He voiced gruffly and frowned, "What the hell kind of go se is that pansy ass man readin' to ya." He tossed the book over his shoulder. "If'n ya want, I'll tell ya the real tale 'bout Snow White."
Intrigued by the prospect, the little girl nodded her head excitedly.
"Long time 'go in the 'Verse, there was this snotty fancible rich woman... She lived in one of 'em high security estates with her pansy ass husband and a stuck up little brat, a lot like your Uncle Simon. Anyways one day while she was bitchin' at them underpaid servants she pricked her finger on her fork and since she was such an overstuffed weaklin' drew blood."
"Daddy, the probability of bleeding due to fork wound is highly improbably."
"Maybe it was real sharp in' all… sides' why for ya questionin' me? If'n ya wanna hear this tale keep quiet." The little girl frowned but complied. "Anyways, a drop of blood splattered to the table and she fainted, cuz she was such a pansy and all. While lying there knocked out, servants snickerin' at her, she dreamt of havin' a little one. Whose hair would be brown as wood, with bright eyes and a pale face, red lips and all that good go se."
"True enough nine long, long, long ruttin' months later she gave birth to a little girl. Named her Snow White for no ruttin' reason and the little girl grew up real lanky and graceful, but real cute and real smart. So smart… that she whipped her brother's ass in just 'bout every subject, which weren't to hard to do if'n you ask me. She grew up and her parent's got tired of havin' a little one around to screw up their cruise plans. So they sent her off to a place called the Cademy, where they wished she'd met a ruttin' Prince Charmin' and bring more money into the family and all."
"But the Cademy wasn't what the damn brochure had promised; it was a place where the Government lackeys cut into heads and played where they oughtn't. Her stupid brother got word of this and snuck her out, bein' bout the only good he's ever done. He took her to a small place called… Serenity Valley. Were some ruttin' independents were makin' a fuss 'bout the end of the war. The doc, her brother, camped them out with six other idiots with real weird names; Capt., Mechanic, Shepherd, Whor…Companion, Pilot and First Mate. Was a real ragtag bunch, not a brain among 'em, all stuffed up with honor and morals and them stuff."
"Well the blue hands got word of where she was camped out and sent a crate of real good apples. But you see them apples were poisoned. She told 'em idiots that they weren't safe and all, and since they wouldn't listen to her, cuz they weren't smart enough to understand the meaning behind her crazy words, she took a bite out of the first apple and choked."
"Doc just started wailing, and the rest of them idiots didn't understand what'd happened. So they put her in this glass box figurin' she was dead. Course the fact they put her in that there glass box proved them to be idiots. Who wants to watch a dead person get all corpseified? Anyway a charmin' mercenary happened to come along lookin' for someone ta hire him."
The little girl frowned, "What happened to Prince Charming daddy?"
Jayne grinned in response, "Well, turned out there was a bounty on Prince Charmin', a real big one on him and his fancy horse. So when the charmin' mercenary ran into the charmin' prince, he took him out real easy and turned in the fancible prick. Was a real nice pay day."
The answer seemed to satisfy her and Jayne continued, "So long comes this charmin' mercenary and he sees the crazy girl locked in the glass box and say, 'Ruttin idiots, if'n she's dead turn in the body and get your damn reward.' But none of them fools with their overstuffed morals would think about it. So the mercenary decided to take it on himself. While the Doc was still wailing 'bout even the prospect of turning in his dead sister, the mercenary walked over and ripped the glass covering off with his amazing strength."
"Soon as the glass cover was off he reached down and picked the pretty little Snow White up. And right away he realized that she wasn't dead, hell any fool would've ('except, of course, if their overstuffed with them fancible morals) cause she weren't all copse-y cold. 'How'd she die?' He asked them, and they told him. 'Ruttin idiots she's not dead…' And he proceeded ta give her the Heimlich maneuver. And low and behold a piece of apple flew from her mouth and landed smack dab on the center of Captain's forehead."
The little girl snickered, hugging her doll tightly to her chest gleefully.
"Well, she still weren't breathing, probably cuz of the lack of air in that stupid glass box. So while the rest of them idiots watched stupefied, the 'mazing mercenary gave her the kiss of life. In other words you're basic CPR. Only a few minutes passed fore the Crazy Genius was up on her feet and spewing gibberish again."
"And they lived happily ever after?"
"Well, no… she slashed his chest and he tried to turn her in and then they had to deal with a whole bunch of ruttin' issues and the Captain tried ta throw him out the airlock… But, after all that shit, they lived mildly well off, so's I guess ya could call it happily ever after, if'n you're into that stuff."