Finally, the Truth
Notes: All right I am really sick and tired of all this modest, teenage workaholic BS, that every one feeds to Suguru. You know what, maybe even in the real universe he doesn't have such a clean streak. Maybe he used to be totally different never doubt the power of Touma's influence. Well read and review, see if you want more. I'll still post it but I am just curious about your thoughts. (Touma/Suguru), (Random men/Suguru), (K/Suguru) I'm OK, your OK is actually a theory. It is the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
Dedication: To Fujisaki- another character I have taken into my care and destroyed their life.
Warnings: Smoking, drinking, drugs, underage sex, Drunken SI (well SI in general.) slightly non-con cousincest, consensual sex,a breif rape scene, rehab, bad language, many more things.
'My parents were always strict. Not just strict, no, they were controlling strict. 'Suguru Fujisaki you will pass all you exams, and with flying colors.' I may not have been the brightest kid, but I worked hard. I wanted to see my parents happy. I wanted them to be proud of me. 'Suguru, your teacher said that you haven't been practicing your scales. Go and practice until you can play them in your sleep.' More often then not I ended up napping at the piano. But still I studied hard, I practiced hard, working myself to the bone for them.
When puberty hit, it was a shock. I knew all about the process but the whole experience was much different then what they described. I did grow weary of my parents strict jurisdictions on my life. I got tired of trying to be perfect, I learned as a teenager that nothing was good enough for them. My parents would never be satisfied with what I was. They wanted a little Touma. That was something I was not. I was never good enough. So I did what any teenager would do. I rebelled.
When I was taking a psychology class We learned about an American phenomenon call the "I'm OK, your OK." At the time in my life, when I heard about this I thought it was a joke. I will always remember the story, mostly out of the horrible descriptions:
There was this town and everyone gave each other warm fuzzes. Now, everyone gave everyone else warm fuzzes and no one minded because they knew that there would be enough warm fuzzes for everyone. The town was so carefree that a man watched his wife give warm fuzzes to a handsome man from a different town, but he didn't care he knew that he would get warm fuzzes when he got home. Then one day an evil witch came to town and received warm fuzzes but she didn't like that. She didn't like that everyone was giving these things away so freely. So she convinced the town that there were only a limited amount of warm fuzzes any person could give.
It worked. People stopped giving warm fuzzes, and only a few weeks later people began to die. The witch worried that she would lose her newly acquired status, invented something called cold prickles, and they were at a never-ending supply, so people began to give people cold prickles instead of warm fuzzes, and no one really died after that. But another problem arose people started to fight and kill one another to the witch invented little mittens that would fit over the cold prickles and disguised themselves as warm fuzzes, and people began to give those out. In time people started to refuse to give out any warm fuzzes, even to themselves. Over time people grew apart, because no one was willing to share their warm fuzzes.
To quote the overly cheesy story above I wan never given any warm fuzzes, cold prickles, or even cold prickles disguised as warm fuzzes. I got an occasional 'hello' maybe a 'pass the rice.' Never any real attention. did you know it is scientifically proven that if a baby is not coddled and love it will die no matter how well fed or how well you treat it? My baby became terminally ill at eleven and died the moment I hit thirteen.
It started small. I started to smoke, hacking up a lung as I did so. But my parents ignored the fact that I came home smelling like smoke. That my room looked like I had just put out a fire. Then I changed my friends, started to hang out with the outcasts of society drug dealers, goths, punks, one of my closest friends was twenty-six year old prostitute I bummed a cigarette off one night. My parents just told me that I was no longer allowed to have friends over. Then I drank. I drank any kind of liquor I could get my hands on. My parents again decided to ignore the fact I came stumbling home at nearly three am on a school night with more alcohol in my system then a winery.
When that didn't get me noticed I started to sleep around. Not because I knew my parents would find out more so I craved that affection. I needed to be told 'I love you.' even if in the heat of a moment and only the heat of the moment. I lost count at how many people I slept with, not that anyone ever needed to know, considering half of those time I wasn't using protection.
One fateful day I met a boy name Rozi, now this kid had lived in two half way houses and his parents he lived with until he was ten used to molest him. He had been arrested two times for robbery, and was in a gang. Rozi and I started to date. Well no, not date, more so, sleep with each other in a steady pattern. One night as he was fucking me blind, and painting red graffiti on the wall with my face. He suddenly pulled out of my body and twisted my arm around. I was shocked as he tied a leather strap to my bicep. I knew what was coming, he pulled out a needle and pressed it into me.
The sex that night was truly la petite mort, I cannot remember how many time we copulated but the mix inside that syringe must have had speed, because when I woke up I was raw bleeding and craving another release. You know the saying one time can get you addicted? Well I'm proof, one time is all it takes. I started with Methamphetamines and amphetamines trying to stay away from depressants and only using things that made me feel alive.
Then came the bars, not only sleeping around, but enticing much older men, to take a peice of me. I began to participate in glory holes, and most of the time didn't think about consequences. I was doing the 'live fast die young' thing. Table dancing almost stripping on school nights, to pull a 'I feel like crap, I'm not going' in the morning when I had to go to school.
By the time I was fifteen I dropped out of school altogether. Instead I filled all my off time will excess booze and drugs. Then any time I was not doing The aforementioned I was having sex, it didn't matter who they were or what the looked like I just laid back and let them ravish me. Usually getting paid for my services in drugs. Now to clear the record., Shuichi and I have very little in common I have never been raped. Ever. Every time I found myself beaten or raw I had usually begged for more, drugs have that effect on a person.
I met Masao. He was at Oobi, one of my local haunts, and we went back to the bathrooms and in exchange for a blow job he gave me, shitty shrooms. Now I don't know if any of you have ever done shrooms but you can hallucinate like no one's business(at least that's what happened to me.) I was a horrible trip. I had left the club at three a.m. and then they kicked in. I glanced behind me then I started running from the dark it was behind me. Not just like semi dark. No utterly pitch black. I ran from it's all consuming bleakness on the streets. to me no one was there. It felt like the day had already passed and it was getting dark again. I found myself at a familiar yet unfamiliar apartment.
It was 3:25 in the morning, when a tired blond opened the door to my frantic pleas.
"You have to help me." I was shaking looking behind me. The darkness was coming closer.
"Please it's going to eat me, I don't want to die. I don't want to die!" I collapsed on the ground and started to rock back and forth. I felt a soft arm on my shoulder I looked up into teal eyes.
"T-Touma. . " I stood quickly and looked between the darkness and my cousin. I turned toward the darkness and started to walk toward it. I would rather die than face my idol. Ever since I was younger I wanted to be just like my cousin. I stood on the threshold between the well lit hall and the darkness. I licked my lips sure in my decision. I crossed over the threshold.
Lights from all the apartments were on, and all their doors opened. I didn't realize it but I was screaming. Pictures flooded my mind off everything only there was no relief, no pleasure. Just The pain, The utter pain. Touma quickly rushed me inside from all the prying eyes. I tried to push him off and get him away from me. He turned on the light and closed the door. Mika now awake and looking at my huddled form which had successfully crawled into the corner. I was rocking back and forth again, like an autistic child. blabbering in broken fragments of sentences.
Touma approached me and I shrieked grabbing whatever was closed to be and throwing it at him. Which included a lamp, some books, and a few priceless China figurines.
"No! No! I don't want to. I don't want to stop it, stop touching me. No. Please." I started sobbing. Touma and Mika exchanged words. They left me to babble away in a corner of their house and they went to the kitchen.
I looked up, a while later, and watched the world breath, as soon as I stopped crying. I, then, stood and walked toward the kitchen. I turned quickly and I saw my body was laying on The floor eyes blank. Empty. I was dead.
I ran to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror but there was nothing there I started to beat on the glass trying to see myself. I couldn't make myself appear no matter how I tired. I started to dig around looking for something, anything, to make me live again.
I gripped the wooden handle of The plunger and bashed it into the mirror and after three hits it shattered. Tiny prices of glass rained down on me. I collapsed again and began to root through the glass looking for a peice that would show me my reflection. I found a peice big enough and peered in and only say a brief montage of faces.
I covered my ears, but the word reverberated. My head pounding, like the bashing of fists on wood. I threw the peice of glass, against the wall crawling on the broken glass looking for another peice. Blood, glass, and tears covered the tile floor. As I looked for other prices. Each one holding that dreaded word. I found the last peice with a crack down the center.
Whore, you've failed at everything else haven't you. That's why your on you knees here isn't it.
It was Masao voice that flooded my ears. Half tempted to throw the glass I looked at it and saw myself, finally, only my face was distorted and I looked thirty years older.
Give it up. Your useless. I looked at my reflection with envy for looking so free. Do it. I took the edge of the glass and jammed it into my wrist watching a moldy yellow liquid fell from the wound.
See your full of pus. Your infected, you worthless peice of--
I jammed it into my other wrist laughing like a maniac as the pus poured out. I stood quickly and with shaky hands began to remove my clothes. I had to get rid of the infection. The door burst open, at this point and a very disheveled version of my cousin looked at me horrified.
"Suguru what are you doing?" He said slowly, a face of absolute terror on his face.
"Touma, can't you see I am full of pus? I have to get it all out or the infection will never heal."
"Suguru, that's not pus it's blood." He said taking a step inside.
"No. No. No! I'm full of pus! I am full of pus. Pus godammit!" I yelled at him holding the glass out as a weapon.
"Suguru, I just want to help--"
"You can't do anymore than I am doing, you have to get the infection out of you or you'll have blood poisoning." My body started to grow weak. My eyes must have rolled back in my head I had passed out
"I gotta habit, I've gotta vice, I've gotta problem with advice. I gotta hunger, I gotta lust, and alter ego I just can't trust. I don't even wanna know how much further I can go."