Operation: Kick Ass Like a Badass

"Come in, Edward Elric," A voice booms from the colonel's room. The room is pitch black with an exception of a single light that hangs from the ceiling directly pointing at a chair in the middle of the room.

Ed peaks into the room frightened, "You sure I shouldn't come back later, Colonel?"

A lasso is suddenly thrown over Ed's body and pulls him into the dark room and he is tied to the chair. "Help an insane lunatic is capturing me! Help! Help! I'll kill you, I swear I will!"

The lights suddenly blast on and Ed squints to see what's going on. There are six people in the room: Roy, the one who called him into here claiming he had just remembered something about the philosopher stone, Al, who he will kill the second he's free, Havoc, who is sitting in the back smoking, Armstrong, who has taken off his shirt at this point, Breda, who is yelling at Armstrong to put his shirt back on, and Maes, who's screaming, "Intervention! Look at all the cute photos of my dear Elysia. Here's she is with her brand new teddy bear. Oh and here she is with her mommy's hat." Ed screams mercy as Hughes stuffs more pictures in his face.

Ignoring Ed cries for help; Havoc takes a long drag on his cigarette then comments, "I thought we decided not to have him do that."

"Yeah, but it's fun to watch him suffer," Roy smirks.

"That is enough Lieutenant Hughes!" Armstrong states as he flexes him muscles. "We are here to help Edward Elric not influence him to neuter himself."

Hughes complaints about how he's a lieutenant colonel, while Roy speaks up, "Yes, Fullmetal we have decided to help you with your women problems."

"I'm not the ladies' man who can't ask to his first lieutenant out on a date." Ed states calmly as he tries to wiggle out of the rope. "Beside, I don't have any love interest in my life."

"Want to say that again?" Maes asks as he shows a picture of Ed buying and carrying all of Winry's new tools.

Ed turns bright red, while everyone else in the room looks at him with a smirk. "She… She's just my mechanic! Besides, why do you care?"

"Brother, we're just trying to help you," Al tries to explain.

"Yes! So now let's commence on the operation: Kick Ass Like a Badass," Roy screams from the top of his lungs. Roy turns serious again as he starts to explain, "Okay now we are all aware of Fullmetal's love dilemma with his 'mechanic'. Now this plan should work as long as Winry doesn't accidentally step on Fullmetal."


"Don't make me gag you, Fullmetal," Roy warned. "Okay, at noon tomorrow Winry will be entering Central from point A, the train. Now she WILL GET KIDNAPPED BY THREE ARMED ROBBERS!" Roy screamed trying to talk over Ed who had been asking if he was stalking Winry. He gives Ed a warning talk-and-I'll-gag-you glare

"Okay now, Fullmetal, who will just happen to be passing by at the time will sweep in on his white stallion."

"White stallion," Ed questions.

"Yes, a white stallion. Now you're sweep in and tackle the robbers. Make sure that you knock one of them out."

"Where am I going to get a stallion?"

Trying to ignore Ed's useless question he continues, "Now they'll have knives, but they'll only cut your clothing. It will make you look more like a badass."

"Doesn't a white stallion make me look more like a pansy than a badass?"

"A white stallion symbolizes elegance, Edward Elric. Gentle power that women will awe in amazement at!" Armstrong emphasis with hand motions as he takes his shirt off again and flexes his muscles.

"Right…." Havoc states as he takes another long drag. "Told you the horse idea would make him look like a pansy."

"Enough with the criticizing! Now back to the plan! They'll swing knifes at you, but after the fifth swing they'll leave an opening to attack. This will be your moment to shine and you'll kick ass like a badass."

"Winry could just kick their ass."

"Don't worry we'll be able to handle a little girl." Breda states as Maes, Havoc, and he flexes their scrawny muscle.

"No, no like this!" Armstrong shows Havoc, Breda, and Maes the right way to flex their muscles.

"Wait, so I'm suppose to sweep in on a white stallion?"

"Yes, I though we already went over this. Now, after you fight you'll put back your sword."

"Since when do I have a sword?"

"That's it, Fullmetal. You've just lost you're speaking privileges." Lifting his hand, he signals in Havoc to gag Ed. "You have a sword since I said so."

"Hey colonel," Breda says in a clam manner.

"What is it?" Roy asks, obviously annoyed by the fact Fullmetal doesn't get the plan.

"What time's Hawkeye supposed to get back?"

"At one, why?"

"Because she's just about to enter the building." Breda states as he points outside the window where Hawkeye is.


"Crap!" Roy runs to his desk and starts burns piles of paperwork that Hawkeye had told to him to do. "Run!"

Maes is the first to run to the door he opens it about to running flying out when he sees Hawkeye facing away from the office talking to another solider. Quickly he shuts the door and screams, "We're trapped! Everyone hide!"

Everyone jumps into a small closet in the colonel's office. Ed kicks his legs and tries to scream help but his gag muffles it out. "Go untie him, Roy!"

Mustang runs over to Ed and starts to untie his gag, while standing in front of him. He hurries to try to undo the knot when the door bursts open, "Colonel I know you burned…. your paperwork…."

They were silent. Roy looks at Ed then to Hawkeye knowing this probably wouldn't help their relationship. Ed looks to Roy then to Hawkeye and wonders if he can claim a sexual harassment charge. Hawkeye looks at Ed who is sitting in a chair tied and gagged then to the Colonel who is practically lying on Ed. "Care to explain, Sir?"

Hawkeye stands in front of Roy's couch looking at both Ed, who is now untied, and Roy. She sighs, "So let me get this straight… In order to impress Winry, Edward's mechanic, you've ordered Maes, Breda, and Havoc to dress up like robbers and kidnap Winry, so that Edward can ride in on a white stallion and slay them with his sword. Just so Winry will think that he's an elegant, gentle powered, badass?"

Ed and Roy look at each other then turn to Hawkeye and nod their heads. She shakes her head, then sighs, "Men." Pointing a gun at Ed, "Buy her flowers, go now!"

Ed salutes Hawkeye, "Yes, Mama…. Er Sir!" He walks over to Hawkeye and whispers something incoherent to Mustang in her ear then sprints out the door not even thinking to look back. Roy looks at him enviously.

"Sir," Hawkeye's strict voice frightens Roy. Mentally he's praying to his newfound god that Hawkeye won't kill him.

"Now… Now Hawkeye! I was trying to help the kid you see! I wasn't sexually harassing him, that kid's a liar!"

Hawkeye points a gun at Mustang, "Sir, next time you find time in your day to throw an intervention for Fullmetal I expect your work to be done, not burned!" Hawkeye fires off a few warning shot, "I expect those papers to be done by the time I get back!"

Hawkeye leaves the room, and Mustang hurries to finish his first pile of paperwork. "You know…" Ed states slyly as he slides back into the room. "Every woman loves a badass."

Roy glances up at Fullmetal with a questionable glance. "What did you tell her, Fullmetal?"

Ed grins slightly as he innocently states, "Nothing important…"

"Fullmetal!" Roy stands up from behind his desk and stares directly at Ed.

"INTERVENTION!" Scream the five guys who have been hiding in Roy's closet for the last three hours. They take the lasso and tie Mustang to the chair in the middle of the room.

"Okay tomorrow at noon, Hawkeye will be at the docks and she'll get shanghaied by two pirates. Now, Roy will just happen to be passing by…"

This is my first shot at a one shot, I hope it was okay.