Riko:I wrote another new story. I know, I know, you people want me to finish my other ones first.

Naruto:Yeah, you should! attacks Riko

Riko: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh hides behind Sasuke

Sasuke: Whatever...

Naruto: Grrr...Fine on with the story.

This story is dedicated to Sasuke2006 my loyal reviewer! I love you (as a friend)! Hope you like it!

Warning: Will be a Yaoi! pairings: SasukeNaruto, NeijiGaara, andZabuzaHaku

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.


The Journal

Sasuke Uchiha was a man that had it all he was young, rich, and famous, but there was one thing he was missing and that was love. He had never fallen in love. The loneliness he felt was slowly consuming him. The nights were lonely and the days were boring. He had no one, except his brother. The same brother who had saved him from the fire that killed his whole family. They didn't speak to each other anymore. Neither had anything to say.

The fire had been horrible and started by an unknown source. Sasuke had always suspected his brother of starting it. The last Sasuke had seen his parents were when they were fighting and locked themselves in a room so Sasuke couldn't hear. Itachi hated it when their parents fought and always would disappear and something bad would happen every time. Sasuke hated his brother, even though he owed him his life.

Sasuke lives alone in a giant mansion isolated from the rest of the world. Most of his human contact is through the phone and is very short and to the point. He didn't like to have to be around people it brought back memories he was trying to forget.

Sasuke didn't go places in the city often, so when he decided to go to the public library it was all over the news. He browsed the bookshelves nothing catching his eye until he came upon a book wedged between two shelves. It was a faded and old leather journal. The spine was frayed and stains from blood and tears covered it. The simple name Naruto Uzumaki was written on the cover in ballpoint pen. Sasuke didn't know why, but for some reason he felt the need to read the book. He placed it into his book bag and left the building.

Outside he was greeted with stares as he walked towards his black Jaguar. Many girls batted their eyelashes and many boys looked at him in admiration, but the Uchiha didn't notice any of this. He didn't like attention so he ignored it. Anyone who approached him was scared off with a cold glare. He slid into his car and sped down the road back to the solitude of his home.

No one greeted his arrival, and he liked it that way. The silence was something he loved and could never get enough of. It was the only way he found peace. Noise would bring back thought and he didn't want to have to think. If he had to think he would remember his past. His past was something he locked away, so he wouldn't have to feel. He would feel pain if he remembered, so he chose to forget.

He immediately went straight for his room, so he could read and not have to worry about the maids or butler's interrupting him. They were forbidden to enter his room. No one was ever in his room, except him and he wanted it to stay that way. The walls were red, like the blood that covered the ground of the burned mansion his whole family resided in. The bed was as black as night. The floor was a simple wooden floor that was worn from the pacing Sasuke would do when he would accidentally remember his horrid past. There was a window, but a heavy curtain blocking out any light and keeping the outside world from looking in always covered it. Sasuke lay down onto his bed and pulled the journal from his bag. Stopping he looked at the cover once more and brought the book to his chest. For some reason having the book near him made him feel relaxed and comforted. Shaking the feelings away he opened the journal and proceeded to read the first page.

December 27, 2001

My name is Naruto Uzumaki; I'm 14 years old and am a student at Konoha Junior High. I'm in class 2-C and my homeroom teacher's name is Iruka Umino. I have spiky blonde hair and blue eyes. My skin is tan and I have 6 scars running across my face three on each side, kind of like fox's whiskers. I'm writing this so that I will be remembered and be able to remember everything that has happened to me, because my worst fear is being forgotten and alone. I'm generally viewed as a happy person, but no one has ever seen the loneliness that I feel. I'll cry when I'm alone at night so no one will have to worry. I don't want their pity I want their love and that is something I will never have because I, Naruto Uzumaki, am a monster.

He could here light footsteps coming towards the room and Naruto quickly hid the journal and pen under his pillow. He knew that his foster mother was coming and he didn't' want her to find out about the journal.

"Naruto?" She called in a fake sweet voice. "Are you in there?"

"Yeah, I'm in here."

"Well, dinner is ready and I'd appreciate it if you came downstairs so we could all eat as a family."

"Okay, I'm coming," Naruto, said dreading what was to come.

He walked downstairs to see his foster mother and foster father at either end of the table and Haku and Gaara, his two brother's sitting across from each other. There was a chair on either side of the boys and he chose to sit next to Gaara so he could be as far from his foster father as possible, although this meant he was right next to his foster mother. At least she pretended to care and was civil towards him.

"Now Haku dear why don't you say grace for us?" Their foster mother said sweetly to Haku. In her mind she liked to pretend that they were a perfect family that didn't have any problems.

"Okay mother," Haku said just as he was expected to. When everyone was together they tried to not have any problems so things would go smoothly.

As Haku said grace Naruto glanced at his foster father to see that his hate filled stare wasn't directed at him. He was looking at his wife with it. Naruto couldn't help but wonder why. Usually he was never upset with his wife. He heard Haku say amen and quickly closed his eyes and pretended he had been listening.

"Amen," they all said in unison. Naruto didn't believe in the Christian God that his foster parents did, neither do Haku or Gaara, but they all played along so there wouldn't be a problem.

Everyone waited for, Shinji, their foster father to get his food first. It was an unwritten rule that he always got to go first, and no one ever questioned or challenged him. When he finished the others got their food too, but left the best pieces of the meal in case Shinji wanted seconds.

Naruto sat there eating his food and not looking up at all. When his foster mother, who was trying to make conversation but failing miserably, asked him a question he would answer quickly and with few words.

When he finished his food he politely asked to be excused and left the room quickly after he was told yes.

In this house hold the only place you could breathe freely was when you were in your room. Naruto let out the breath he hadn't even meant to hold in once he got into the sanctuary of his own room. He changed into some loose black shorts and an orange tank top. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and faked a smile, before frowning. He could still see the sadness in his eyes when he smiled. Sighing he slipped into his bed and fell into a restless sleep full of nightmares.

January 1, 2002

I didn't get to finish writing yesterday because my foster mother walked in and I don't need her to find this. She'll want to see it and find it while I'm gone and see what I have written. She acts like she cares about me, but she's only doing this to look good. I know the way she looks at me in disgust when my back is turned and how she buys anything I want so she has a reason to ignore me. My foster father is even worse. He doesn't care that I see the disgust on his face, and he voices how much he hates me everyday. They lock me in my room while I'm at home, but let me leave whenever because they'd rather have me out of the house. If you're reading this you must be wondering why they hate me so much. Well I'll tell you, like I said before I'm a monster. My parents were murderers and it is expected that I'll be one too. I even know I'm a freak! I mean I cut myself just so I can see the blood run down my arm and lick it away. I love the taste of it; it's like an addiction. I can't get enough of it I always want more and more and more. Then before I know it, I'll come to find that my arm is a bloody mess. Then I have to face her and look down so I won't have to see the hate in her eyes as she bandages my arms. The one thing I hate most about my foster parents though is that they fear me more than they hate me. Since I don't have this to say to anyone else. Happy New Year.

January 4, 2002

Since everything I've written so far has been self-pity I've decided to write about one of the three people who don't hate me. I'll write about the other two tomorrow, but for today I'll just tell you about my friend, Gaara Sabaku. Gaara is treated like a monster just like me. He's 14 and also attends Konoha Junior High. He however is in class 2-D. Gaara is my best friend and we've know each other for 10 years. We met when we were 4 years old in an orphanage and always were adopted and taken back to the orphanage together. I've always been with him and would probably die if someone ever separated us. He has blood red hair and jade green eyes. The kanji for love is tattooed to his forehead. His father did that to him before he killed his wife, other two kids, and committed suicide. Gaara understands me and loves me for who I am, all of me, even the monster inside. He is the only person I can truly trust and feel safe with. He is the brother I never had.

January 5, 2002

The next person I will talk about is my other best friend, Haku. Haku is a cross dresser and very proud of his sexual orientation. He is in love his homeroom teacher Zabuza Momochi, but also has a crush on Gaara. Haku confuses me a lot and makes me wonder about what it feels like to be in love. I have never fallen in love before and I don't know how. Haku says you can't choose who you love; yet I chose to love him and Gaara as my friends. It makes no since to me. Oh, right. Haku goes to Kohona Junior High, but is 13 and in class 3-A, he skipped two grades. He's a genius and our foster mother loves him for it. Haku is the daughter she always wanted. In fact everyone thinks Haku is a girl, the only one's who know otherwise are Gaara, my foster parents, Zabuza, and I. Haku wasn't supposed to tell him, but he did anyway. He wanted the one he loved to know that he was a boy. Haku even looks like a girl, with his long silky black hair and big brown eyes covered in lashes you wouldn't think otherwise. Even his body is feminine; he has long legs, which are hairless, and a small waist. His shoulders aren't broad and his arms and legs are thin too. I sometimes even catch myself thinking of him as a girl, but he's not. He's still a boy who likes boy things. He'd rather play soccer in the pouring rain then go shopping for shoes. This is why our foster parents love Haku, and ignore us. He is their perfect child and Gaara and I are the monsters that ruin their perfect life. They would love nothing more than to get rid of us and keep Haku, but Haku says that if we go, he goes too. I love Haku, he is one of my dearest friends and like the mother I never met and sister I never had. He's always the mature one that scolds me when I am bad and the one who teases me when people who don't know I'm a monster flirt with me. Just like Gaara I wouldn't know what I would do without him.

January 6, 2002

The last person I will talk about is my homeroom teacher Iruka Umino. He is the first person, other than Haku and Gaara, that has seen past the monster in me to the person I really am. He has shoulder length brown hair that he always keeps in a ponytail. He has tan skin and a scar that runs across his nose. He is a teacher at Kohona Junior High, my homeroom teacher, and English teacher. He is kind to everyone, but can be violent when it comes to someone misbehaving. I've been smacked so many times by him, but I deserved every single one. They weren't for me being a monster, but for saying crude things, falling asleep in class, and not doing the work. He would also yell at me but always apologize when necessary, he was just trying to be a good teacher, but to me he was more like a father. That was how Iruka became the father I had never known. He's working on trying to adopt Gaara, Haku, and I, but my foster parents don't want to give Haku up. They are more than willing to get rid of Gaara and I, but Haku is telling the people at the adoption center what kind of people they really are and slowly they are cracking and leaning more towards letting Iruka take us all. Iruka is such a kind man and he is always patient with me, when I do well he takes me out to eat at Ichiraku. He knows just what to say to make Gaara calm down when someone angers him too much to the point of being homicidal and what to do when Haku falls into one of his depressions. Iruka is my hope, my hope for a better life, a hope for happiness, and most importantly and hope for feeling loved. That is all I really want, to be loved. I don't care if it's hard, or if we fight a lot over everything, yet nothing. I don't want to have to be alone forever, even if we hate each other, but still are in love it doesn't matter. I just want that one person who will love me for who I am. I just want to be loved…

January 7, 2002

I sometimes am consumed by loneliness. I will just sit in my room and cry, cry for everything when nothing is wrong, cry when everything is wrong, cry when I wish it would all just go away. I don't know why I haven't just committed suicide and ended everything. I don't want to have to feel all this pain I do. I want to fade away into nothingness and never be hurt again. The mental pain is much worse than the physical pain. I am constantly being told that I am nothing, a monster, and that no one loves me and I believe than. I believe them and no matter what Gaara, Haku, or Iruka say I always believe the people who hurt me most over the people who care for me. I wish I could erase away all the bad memories and just live in a world where no one knows that I am a monster. I want to be free of the judgment based on what my parents did. But no matter how much I wish and hope it won't change. It will always be the same. I will always be nothing, a monster, and not loved. I will always be alone and I am afraid that I will die alone too.

January 8, 2002

Today Haku was diagnosed with cancer. He might die. If the cancer is malignant there will be nothing they can do and Haku will die. I haven't stopped crying for eight hours and neither has Haku. We were holding each other and crying all day long. Our foster mother, the bitch, made us go into our separate rooms to sleep. I hate her so much. Now that Haku has cancer she doesn't want him anymore. Iruka will have full custody of us in a week and we'll finally be free of them. Haku is so kind and loving, he doesn't deserve this! WHY HIM? WHY ONE OF THE PEOPLE I LOVE! HOW CAN LIFE BE SO CRUEL! HOW?
How?

"I'm sorry, but your son has cancer. We don't know if it is malignant yet though. We'll have to wait and do some tests, but we'll get him started on the chemo and radiation as soon as possible," The doctor telling them said with a grave face.

"What! This must be some sick joke! Not Haku! It can't be Haku, it has to be a mistake!" Naruto screamed as a waterfall of tears cascaded from his blue eyes.

"I'm so sorry, but we are not joking. We wish we were but it is for sure that Haku has cancer."

"No! No, I refuse to believe you! Not Haku! Please God not him! Anyone but him," Naruto screamed as he fell to his knees on the hospitals clean white floors. "Please don't take him away from me. Please don't." He began begging to whatever God was willing to listen.

People began looking over at the group, most with sad eyes. They knew the pain that this boy was feeling, for they had loved ones with cancer too.

Gaara placed a comforting hand on Naruto's back and lifted him back to his feet.

"Begging and refusing to accept what the doctor has to say won't help Haku. You should go see him," Gaara said.

Naruto nodded and ran down the hall to the room Haku was in. Nurses and doctors watched him sadly knowing there was nothing they could say to comfort the little boy. He burst through the door and ran to Haku's side. Haku opened his arms and embraced the blonde boy trying to comfort him. Naruto managed to say something through his choked sobs and what he said made Haku begin to cry as well.

"I don't think I will be able to ever smile again if you die."

"Please don't say that Naruto," Haku began hugging the blonde tighter to his chest. "Don't make me feel guilty for something I have no control over. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I wouldn't ever want you to stop smiling. You have such a beautiful smile and I don't know what I'd do if I never got to see it again, I'd probably lose all hope."

"Haku!" Naruto wailed as buried his face in the younger boy's shoulder. "I'll smile for you, as long as you promise me you will not lose hope!"

"I promise," Haku, said smiling sadly as tears streamed steadily down his pretty face.

Gaara stood outside the door and one tear slid down his cheek, before he whipped it away and entered the room to try and calm down his two brothers.

The page was stained with many tears that had been shed while the boy had written this. The Uchiha felt a pain in his chest. This boy was like him. So alone, and felling so unloved. One of the people he loved was being taken from him. Sasuke sighed as he turned the page and continued reading well into the night.

The journal entries for a long time were about Haku and how his health was. A few would be about Naruto and his loneliness, and one or two about fun things that had happened with Iruka or Gaara.

February 2, 2002

Haku is still in the hospital, the chemotherapy and radiation make him sick and he always is really weak. He has become a deathly pale instead of his usual healthy pale. His eyes seem lifeless at times, but he always tries to smile. When he thinks I'm looking away however his face falls into a frown. He keeps apologizing to me. He says he's sorry for how sad he's making me and wishes this had never happened, that he hates seeing me sad. I know he doesn't want me to be sad but I can't help it. I don't want Haku to die; I'd be so lost without him. Every time I see him I die a little more inside. He is one of the few people who love me and I don't want to lose him. I also feel so guilty that instead of worrying about his own health he is worrying over whether I'm sad or not. It makes me feel so bad and weak that others have to constantly worrying over me. Am I really that helpless? Am I really so sad that they can tell all the time? I wish I could change so much, but I can't. I would be willing to die in place of Haku, but I can't do that either. I can't do anything but watch helplessly as my friend slowly fades away into an eternal sleep.

February 4, 2002

Haku's hair is falling out. The hair he loves so much. His beautiful long silky hair that he had grown out all year, because he once heard Zabuza liked long hair. He wants me to cut it and give it to Zabuza along with a letter confessing his love. I cut it and did what he asked, for there is not much I can do for Haku, but this I could do.

February 6, 2002

Gaara, Iruka, and I all went to a park today. It may not seem all that special, but to me it was. I finally have a family that loves me, but I still feel loneliness deep down. Gaara and Iruka think I really am happy now, I guess I am becoming a better actor. My façade is so much more full proof than my last one. I don't want to worry them, so I'll keep my sadness and loneliness to myself. The park was fun and I really did enjoy myself, but as soon as it was over the feelings came back.

February 8, 2002

Zabuza loves Haku too. He came to the hospital today and told him. Haku is a lot happier now and the doctors say he is getting better. The cancer isn't malignant and he should live. The chemotherapy and radiation is working and the cancer is going away. Haku might live. I can finally hope again.

February 9, 2002

I'm getting depressed again. Valentine's Day is approaching and once again I'll be alone. Rumors have been going around school that Neiji Hyuuga likes Gaara, but they are only rumors as far as we know. Neiji is a pretty boy and has pale skin. He has long brown hair that he keeps in a low ponytail and white eyes. Neiji scares me a little, when he looks at me his stare is unnerving. I will be happy for Gaara however if it's true that Neiji likes him. I want him to be happy at least, even if I can't be.

February 14, 2002

Today was not as bad as I thought it would be. Neiji and Gaara both got together, Haku had a great day with Zabuza, and Iruka has a secret admirer. Even better is that a girl, Sakura Haruno, in my class gave me a valentine and said she hoped that we could be friends. She had to work with me on a project in our science class and she said that all the rumors she had heard about me were false. Sakura said that I wasn't a monster; she said that just because you're parents did something sick and wrong doesn't mean that you will too. Her smile is so calming and her words can sometimes be harsh but it's only because she cares so much. Her best friend Ino Yamanaka has also agreed to try and get to know me. Ino was one of Haku's friends and knows that if both of her closet friends are friends with someone, it's pretty much assured that they are a good people. Everyone was really surprised when Sakura befriended me, but she ignores all the stares and glares our classmates give us. She said it doesn't matter what other people think as long as you know the truth. Sakura, I feel is going to become a close friend of mine.

Naruto walked into his homeroom class with his head down. Seeing all the happy people exchanging valentines had made the blonde extremely sad. He walked to his desk expecting to find nothing and gasped when he saw a read card with a heart on it. He looked around to see if anyone was looking at him and saw that everyone else was busy talking and exchanging stuff.

He picked up the card and slowly opened it. Inside was writing in pink, and it read,

Dear Naruto,

I know we haven't been the greatest of friends, in fact not even friends, but I would like that to change. When I worked on that project with you in science I got to know you, and I found that all the rumors I've heard about you were a lie. You're a good person Naruto. It doesn't matter to me what your parents did, because you're not your parents, you are Naruto. I would really like it if you could forgive me for ignoring you over some silly rumors and become my friend. If you don't want to though, I completely understand. I am so embarrassed about buying into all the rumors people told me. I mean you're not a monster you're just a boy who had horrible parents that did sick things. I know now that I need to find out the truth before I judge people. Just remember you are a great person and hopefully my new friend.

Love,
Sakura Haruno

Naruto held the kind card to his chest and smiled slightly. Someone else believed in him. He set the card gently onto his desk and took a deep breathe before turning and walking over to where Sakura and her friends were sitting.

"Hello Sakura-chan," Naruto said somewhat quietly.

"Hello Naruto," Sakura said smiling brightly at the boy. "So, do you forgive me?"

"Yes, I forgive you and I would like to be your friend too," Naruto said smiling at the pink haired girl.

Her green eyes brightened and she jumped up and hugged Naruto, her long hair cascading around her and the blonde boy. Sakura's friends looked shocked for they all hated the blonde boy, but they had no real reason to.

Ino cam up and tapped Sakura on the shoulder.

"Yeah Ino?"

"When were you going to tell me that we were making a new friend?" Ino said pretending to be upset with her best friend.

"Who ever said you were, only I am!" Sakura said jokingly pulling Naruto away from Ino.

"Haha, very funny Sakura. Hey, Naruto," Ino said grabbing the blonde boys attention.

"I think we should be friends too," Ino said smiling at the boy. "Haku said you're a good kid and if Sakura agrees then it has to be true."

"Really?" Naruto asked unsure.

"Of course, really," The blonde said shaking her head and laughing at Naruto's suspicion.

"Okay, thank you," Naruto said smiling at the girl. He was really happy they wanted to be his friends.

Sasuke Uchiha smiled, actually smiled when he read that entry. He put his fingers to his lips in disbelief. Even he was surprised that he had smiled. The last time he had really smiled was when he was a child, before his parents had died. This book was doing strange things to him and he wasn't sure whether he should like it or not. He just knew though, that he had to finish reading it. His own reason for this was unknown, even to himself; he just felt the need to finish the journal.

When Sasuke wasn't reading the journal he was thinking about it, or rather the blonde boy, Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto was like him in many ways and not like him in many others. The boy tried to be happy, and Sasuke tried to not feel anything. They both were lonely and hated the pain of losing someone and being sad. One had some people who truly cared about them and one had the false love people feel for celebrities. The both had the longing to be loved; neither had ever fallen in love though. Neither even knew what it was like to love. Naruto released his pain through self-mutilation and Sasuke through self-torment. They were similar, yet so different.

Sasuke drowned himself in work so he would stop obsessing over the blonde. It didn't work though. Thoughts of the blonde always seemed to enter his mind and he couldn't block them out. It was like he knew the blonde inside and out, though they had never met.

Sasuke would reread the entries he had already read just so he could feel closer to the blonde. The Uchiha didn't know what to do, but reading the journal helped him find comfort. Comfort was something he desperately needed. The loneliness was ten times worse now that he had begun to feel close to someone. How ironic was it that the thing that brought him comfort, was the same thing that tormented him.

The journal wasn't anything special. In fact it was poorly made. The covering was leather, but cheap leather. The paper inside was old and very thin. He had to be so careful not to rip anything. The binding in it was breaking and the sun had faded the color.

The words inside the journal were what made it special. Naruto was special. He had made the Uchiha feel again. Although he didn't even set out to do this, what he had done to the Uchiha was purely accidental. Sasuke didn't think of it that way though. In his mind Naruto had written this journal for him to find. He would blame Naruto for the loneliness he was feeling or the sadness. But at the same time thank Naruto for the comfort his words brought.

Sasuke could clearly picture the blonde in his mind and on many occasions dreamed of the blonde. Usually in the dreams they would be in a large area, sometimes a city, sometimes a field, or sometimes a street and he would always run towards the blonde but never get any closer than when he began.

The Uchiha was always so wrapped up in thinking of the boy that his past was forgotten. He no longer had the haunting nightmares and would sit and think of how much he hated his brother. This one journal had changed his life so drastically, yet Sasuke hadn't even noticed.


Thanks for reading please review! It will inspire me to write more! Or guilt me into writing more!