We do not own Harry Potter, The Producers, Rent, Pixie Stix (although we need to get some), the Wizard of Oz, or the phrase 'A long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far away'.

Tom Riddle and the Stix of Pixie

By hippy.intellect and silverydarkness

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away called England, there lived an evil wizard named Tom Marvolo Riddle… a. k. a. Voldemort… or the Dark Lord… or You-Know-Who… or He-Who-Is-A-Pain-In-The-Ass. But that is besides the point…

One day, he was in his evil, dark lair, doing evil, dark things, while awaiting his delivery of evil, dark fairy dust which he needed to capture his arch-enemy, Harry Potter… a. k. a. The-Boy-Who-Lived… a. k. a. The Chosen One… a. k. a. That Kid Who Just Wouldn't Die. Finally, Lucius Malfoy entered with the evil, dark fairy dust. Except…

'Lucius, this is not evil, dark fairy dust!' Voldemort yelled angrily.

Lucius's eyes filled with tears. 'I tried my best!' he cried. 'I just… want to please you!' With that, he ran out of the room.

Voldemort glared at the powder that was quite obviously not evil, dark fairy dust. After all, it was pink. So how could it be dark? Huh? Huh? HUH? Gosh! He sniffed it, then tentatively stuck his finger into the bag and sucked it… get your mind out of the gutter!

Hmm… the Dark Lord thought. It's kinda… yummy. In fact… Without thinking, he downed the whole bag.

Twenty minutes later…

Voldemort's POV.

SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR! Must have more sugar… must… BUNNY!

'Ow! My lord, get off me!'

Oops, not a bunny. It's Lucius… wait… LUCIUS! 'Lucius!' I shouted. 'I need you…' I pointed my finger at him. 'To get me…' I pointed my finger at myself. 'More of that stuff.' I pointed to the empty bag, which lay on my evil, dark desk all alone.

'But my lord!' answered Lucius… heehee… Lucius… such a funny name. 'Shouldn't you be continuing your quest to kill Harry Potter?'

'Why? Did he take all the sugar stuff, Harry Potter? Heehee… Potter…' I giggled.

'Um…' Lucius said thoughtfully. Looked like hard work. 'Yes, as a matter of fact, he stole every single bit of the sugar stuff there is! Which is why you must capture him!'

I gasped. 'Yes!' I cried. 'I'll get on it straight away!' I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too! I cackled… then stopped. I turned to Lucius.

'Harry Potter…' I said. 'Does he have a dog? A little one, preferably?'

Lucius raised an eyebrow. 'No… but he has a fat cousin.'

'Right… well, we'll dress him up as a dog!' With that, I went back to my dark, evil chair and ushered Lucius away.

Twenty minutes later…

'And now it's springtime for Voldemort and sugar stuff!' I sang loudly, as I formulated my dark, evil plan. 'Lucius, get in here! I have my dark, evil plan completed!'

Lucius ran in. 'Now, here is my dark, evil plan… we tempt Harry Potter with a lollipop,' I represented the lollipop with a cheese stick. 'But when he takes the lollipop, he'll be trapped by this trusty mouse trap,' which I represented using my hand. 'Snap, snap!' I added, clamping my hand shut over the cheese stick. Then I looked up at Lucius. 'Well, what do you think?'

'This man belongs in a straight jacket.'

'Lucius, stop talking to that statue and tell me what you think of my plan!'

'Oh, yes,' Lucius said, blinking. 'Uh… brilliant plan, my lord. When shall we execute it?'

'Right now!' I cried, standing up… then falling… then standing up again. After falling and standing up one more time, we finally proceeded to Harry Potter's current whereabouts, a little house called the Burrow. It wasn't very dark or evil and I immediately thought of what I would do if I were to redecorate it. A little cobwebs here, some silver and green paint there… ooh, it would be a masterpiece!

'There he is, my lord!' Lucius said, pointing from outside the bushes we were hiding in, to three teenagers exiting the house.

'Right, give me the lollipop!' I exclaimed, holding out my hand.

'Uh… I thought you brought the lollipop.'

'WHAT? Argh! We'll have to use this stick and pretend it's a lollipop.' I picked up a branch from the ground and called out 'Hey, Harry! Over here!' I saw him turn towards us in the distance and the three friends walk in our direction.

'Who's there?' he cried. I stuck out my hand, holding the stick and the mousetrap.

'Oh, Harry,' I whispered. 'Don't you want my lollipop?'

'It's a stick,' one of the other two, a bushy-haired girl, replied.

'No… it's a lollipop.'

'Stick.'

'Lollipop.'

'Stick.'

'Lollipop.'

'Voldemort?'

'Lolli- I mean… no…'

'Holy bananas, it is him!' the last teenager, a freckly redhead, cried. 'Run!'

And run they did, back to the Burrow. Except Mr. Freckles came back, poked me, yelled 'Bother!' and ran away again.

'Okay… that was weird,' Lucius said.

'Follow them!' I cried, charging. I never got very far though. Because there was a very angry, chubby woman who came out of the house with a frying pan. Holy cow, I thought. My only weakness. My world went black as the frying pan descended upon my head.

Twenty minutes later…

I awoke singing, 'Only thing to do is jump over the moon!'

'My lord?'

I looked around and discovered I was back in my dark, evil lair, with my trusty sidekick Lucius.

'Oh, Lucius!' I cried. 'You saved me!' I threw my arms around him happily.

'I'm so glad I could please you, my lord,' he smiled. I smiled. The whole world smiled with us. And my smile grew bigger, as from his pocket, he pulled out a big bag of sugar stuff.

Fin