You've forgotten how it started, and you're down on your knees, it's too late. Oh don't come crawling. Careful, how you treat me. Baby I don't think I'll accept your sorry invitation. Close the door as you leave, and you cry over me. I can't wait. I feel you stalling, and you try to reach me. What a big mistake – (Natalie Imbruglia)
(Femslash) Cath/Sara (don't like, don't read)
Solo – Again!
A dull pain throbbed in my chest, and as I pulled my Denali into the labs car park I was unsure whether I'd be able to even head into that place. All I wanted to do was go back to my apartment and lock the door – ripping up photos and getting rid of anything that ever linked me with her. But I couldn't because no matter how many photo's I burnt, letters I destroyed and time I try to forget all about her there'd still be this place, here to remind me, of what I lost. We worked together, and unless I handed in my resignation – that wasn't going to change. I eventually managed to park it and turn of the running engine – however I still hadn't been able to pull open the door and step out. In here, I was safe – I wouldn't have to see her and think about what had happened. Gripping my hands tightly on the steering wheel I closed my eyes behind my dark sun glasses – come on sidle, you can do this! You're stronger than this. Although my mind kept screaming out at me I refused to listen, I wasn't strong.
I may have sat there for a few minuets before I decided that I really needed to make a move – as I reached into the passenger seat to my right and began to gather my things together I began to wonder what the absence of sun would bring for the night shift CSI's – hopefully something that would need me to pull a double and let my escape from everything in this head of mine. And hopefully I'd be able to keep as much distance between myself and a certain someone as humanly possible – the thought of even seeing her tonight was pulling me apart – and I had to admit that on more than one occasion I'd thought about calling in sick. I couldn't run away from this though – I had to face it at some point. With one last sigh and a deep intake of breath I readied myself and stud from the SUV.
My feet touched the tarmac below me, standing up I pulled my leather jacket from the back and slid into it, before placing my CSI ID badge around my neck, pushing my gun into the holster attached to my waist and clipping my mobile in place. Here I was, ready to face the world – from the outside anyway. Inside I was like a small child who was been left alone in a dark room – afraid of the unknown. With fake confidence I slammed shut my Denali and locked it up – checking it twice, not because I feared it wasn't secure but to buy myself some time. As I pulled on the handle one last time my thoughts were interrupted by the slamming of another car door behind me and then an enthusiastic voice.
"Hey Sidle, nice of you to join us"
I turn as see Greg approaching me, with a smile slapped on his face. He was dressed in Greg like attire and I had to admit I was happy to see that not much about the younger and very knew CSI had changed. It was oddly comforting to know that in my absence, though short, he'd not altered. "Hey Greg-o" I tried to sound happy, to sound like my usual sarcastic self but I was finding it hard.
"So how'd go the long weekend?" He asked as I lent my back against the car and he stood in front of me.
I had my heart crushed, drank way too much and felt never again wanted to leave my apartment – I decided not to tell him the truth and instead lie – "It was good…"
"Bet you missed me though" He joked, he was so sure of the fact that I didn't even get to answer, instead he continued, "Come on, I'll make you a mug of Hawaiian to welcome you back"
"You do know I was only gone for three days?" I ask him as the two of us start towards the lab. I cautiously take one last glance behind me into the darkness before turning back and heading into the air conditioned lab.
"It felt like a lifetime" He sighed with dramatic sadness.
"I'm sure" I offered as we continued on our way. As I entered into the main body of the building I tucked my hands into my pockets in my jeans. I wanted to sink away from it all – it felt although they were all looking at me though it was more than impossible that they should know because they hadn't even known we were a couple – no one had. I was happy to have Greg's idle chat cover my insecurity and pain of been in a place where only three days ago my life was perfect – now it was a mess. He rattled on, telling me all about the office gossip which he was probably guilty of spreading. I hared him ramble about jenny from Days, something about the receptionist and a mention of an officer whose name I was not familiar with been involved with the DNA specialist who was also from days. In between the fear of bumping into the woman I so desperately wanted to avoid I had time to wonder whether it was in fact day shifts mud in a pot – they call coffee- that caused their strange behavior. Thankfully, upon our arrival that was tipped down the drain and our very own coffee guy – Mr. Sanders – did the honors. For which, I am more than grateful.
Turning into the locker room I released a breath that I hadn't been aware that I was holding – it was empty – so thankfully there wouldn't be any unwanted meetings. Greg having switched from office gossip to explain about the case he'd been assigned to in my absence stopped when his eye caught something that I had seen only moments before him. "Hey, Sara… who's the admirer?" he smirked.
I stood, silent and unmoved – attached to the front of my locker was a single white rose with an envelope with my name on. I knew exactly who – my 'admirer' was. Though, Greg's term was not the best to describe her. I ignored him, having my full attention pulled back to a burning pain that raged in my chest – I felt the tears begin to sting my eyes, I felt the anger, I felt the hurt ---
Walking over to my locker I ripped from it the rose and letter – feeling sickened at the sight of her attempt to fix what she'd done. I dropped the rose to the floor before crushing it beneath my boot, the once perfectly sculpted rose was crushed, just like my heart – pulled from my chest, dropped to the floor and trampled by her. Greg watched with concern, "Sara…?" He asked. He must have noticed how I clenched the note in my fist – anger causing me to close up. "Get the coffee on Greg" I mumbled back with an anger that unnerved him. I just turned and walked from the room dropping the paper in the trash. She thinks it's gone be that easy? No chance – I can't…
Happy for the dark glasses that covered my glistening eyes I managed to make my way through to the restrooms. Pushing my way in I found a cubicle and locked myself in – the pain hitting me full force. It was a mistake coming back here – a big mistake. It was a mistake to open up to her, to let her in…I should have just stayed distant and cold because that way she could never hurt me. I just sat, taking deep breaths trying to quell my hurt however it did nothing but cause the hurt and pain to manifest into raging anger. I had no idea how I would be able to work through this… all I knew was that I needed a drink – and to burn more memories.
With an emotional distance I walked into the room, Greg was stood with his back to the door at the counter, Nick was sat on the sofa and Warrick was leaning on the far wall. Each greeted me, and I responded "Hey guys" before I walked over to a pre pored mug of coffee, lifted it up and took a long gulp of the steamy blackness.
I went about ignoring the room – and a good few minuets passed – I was lent on the counter with paper one hand and coffee in the other. I wasn't reading the paper – just staring at the page thinking about her… about the hell she'd put me through. I only held the paper in hand as it stopped Greg from asking about my earlier outburst – stopped them all from talking to me. However, I was broken from my thoughts and pulled unceremoniously back into the world by Grissom walking into the room – followed by her. I hared her voice and instantly looked up. She wouldn't see me weak or hurt, I wouldn't show her how much she destroyed me – I just put my mug on the side, threw my paper down and took a slip from Grissom. I felt her eyes burning into me – she wanted to talk, she wanted to say something – but I wouldn't let her.
"Sara…solo" He explained.
I left, without a word – and headed to my case. And how apt, that, I was – solo