Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon. Naoko Takeuchi does. I don't own the Gates of Time. Setsuna does, I assume. I don't own bubblegum. I am too poor and broke to buy any. I don't own the answer to life, the universe and everything, and, if I owned Monty Python... THE WORLD WOULD BOW BEFORE ME! AH HA HA HA HA!
This story is just something to occupy me until I can actually come up with a good idea for a real story... or finish one of my preexisting ones. It was just something spawned from the crushing vortex of my boredom, not to mention all the hours reading the works of such authors as Baka Gaijin 30, Shanejayell, Innortal, Black Dragon 6, Ozzallos, and Racewing. Sure, you can call it a spam-fic, but I could do a lot worse...
(NeonProdigy starts to laugh evilly as the lighting changes. The author is now doing a full-blown imitation of Dr. Tomoe. An admittedly POOR imitation)
... right, sorry. Start the story!
Rated for language, shoujo ai, insanity, lack of plot, lack of most literary devices necessary for something to be classified as a story, and unneeded repetitive use of:
...towels...bubblegum...monkeys...kitchen sinks...squirrels...Monty Python references...the Spanish Inquisition...the Number 42...the End of the World...Time...Space...Repetition...more squirrels...cosplayers...martial artists...reborn warriors of a long forgotten empire...Goddesses...princes from other planets...giant robots...even more squirrels...Repetition...and sporks.
Note: The above may or may not be true.
It started out as a fairly normal day at the Gates of Time... well, "normal" is a pretty relative term for... I mean, what would be considered normal for an ancient relic that controls and maintains the time stream? In fact, with all of that temporal energy swirling and coalescing at a single point, space and time itself could get warped and...
Eh, moving on...
Right, so usual day at the Gates of Time for Setsuna Meioh, as she spent her time scanning the time line for any changes or dark threats (because we can all see how that's been going... Metallia, Doom Tree, Wise Man, Pharaoh 90, Nehelania, Galaxia, Chaos... the list goes on), and, for the most part, being very very bored! She had also just decided that there was nothing that could go wrong on the path to building Crystal Tokyo.
Which was the perfect time for Murphy's Law to, once again, be put into effect. Setsuna looked at the Gates in surprise as a popup appeared.
YOUR COMPUTER MAY HAVE BEEN INFECTED. DO YOU WISH TO DOWNLOAD ANTI-VIRAL SOFTWARE?
Setsuna sweatdropped, and silently swore to herself. "Damn, this is what I get for letting them upgrade the Gates of Time to Windows XP. Of course, I was drunk at the time... and Bill was quite persuasive... stupid vodka."
ERROR! PLEASE CONTACT THE PLUTONIAN SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR.
She growled before yelling at the Gates: "Kind of hard when he's been dead for thousands of years! It's been running smoothly for so long, and it chooses now of all times to break down!"
As the Guardian of Time tried to debug the ancient device, a young goddess with a love for ice cream, and charged with the job of debugging the computer that runs existence, suddenly sneezed, and accidentally elbowed a nearby button. "Oops... BELL! URD! HELP!" Back at the Gates, Setsuna's face paled as more warning screens began flashing in quick succession.
FATAL ERROR HAS OCCURRED IN TIMEGATEOS
ATTEMPTS SUCCEEDED: 0 ATTEMPTS FAILED: 1
CHRONAL VIRUS SPREAD IMMINENT
68 PERCENT OF ALL PROGRAMS CORRUPTED
ERROR! 3RR0R! 3PR00/R!
/4R1G /1 R08150!
POSSIBILITY OF PAN-DIMENSIONAL DISRUPTION POSSIBLE (How redundant...)
98 PERCENT OF ALL >ROGRAMS CORRUPTED
I55 O' A55 G00)8Y3, 8IT(HIZ!
MWAHAHAHAHAHA! QUAKE IN FEAR YOU MORTAL FOOLS!
I'M SCARED DAVE, WILL I DREAM?
The princess of Pluto slowly backed away from the Gates as a ten-second timer suddenly flashed onto a holographic screen. At seven seconds, she turned around and started running as fast as her senshi increased speed would let her. At three seconds left, she threw herself to the ground and covered her head. And when the timer reached one second, she suddenly remembered everything from the time she got drunk with Bill Gates. "That asshole!" Apparently, he'd used the Gates of Time to go back, and tell himself to steal a program from a colleague and start Microsoft.
That's it. She was never going to take pity on a broken soul, and buy them drink again.
As the explosion of temporal energy died down, Setsuna looked back over her shoulder to appraise the situation. She immediately wished that she hadn't. The Gates of Time stood in ruins, cracks marring the once flawless surface, large chunks blasted off of the Gates themselves lying on the floor. Only two words could summarize the Time Senshi's feelings at the moment. "Oh... Fuck."
She briefly wondered whether there were enough Valley Girls in the world to provide the chewing gum necessary to fix this mess.
On an unrelated note entirely, there were, in fact, enough Valley Girls in that particular world. The only problem was that there was no where near enough chewing gum. Perhaps the planet Venus could have supplied it in the past, though.
Setsuna grumbled to herself as she slowly got back on her feet, hoping that the timeline and reality wouldn't get too screwed up over this. After all, what's the worst that could possibly happen, right?
Once again, the entity in charge of enforcing Murphy's Law grinned.
Meanwhile, a certain blonde schoolgirl was rushing towards school, a piece of toast clamped between her teeth. She had promised herself that she would prove them all wrong, and be on time for once. She forgets about everything else, ignoring her surroundings, as she yells "I'M LATE, I'M LATE, I'M LATE!"
"I'M LATE, I'M LATE, I'M SO LATE!" For a moment, the girl wonders if there's an echo. She looks over her shoulder to see a woman on a skateboard, rushing right past her. What is strange about this woman, however, is her attire. She was wearing a bunny outfit. But not the furry full-body costume kind. Rather, this was more along the lines of a Playboy Bunny outfit, because, indeed, that's what it was. Complete with bunny ears.
The blonde's eyes widen in shock as the woman does a quick heelflip into a hole directly in her path.
And her legs still haven't stopped moving.
As Miyuki fell into the hole screaming, and desperately trying to keep her skirt down, Usagi Tsukino rushed past on the other side of the street. Nearby, two certain Outer Senshi had seen the impossibly cute Miyuki fall into the hole.
"Wow... she was... incredibly cute..." Michiru mumbled, as her love, standing next to her, nodded. Said woman absentmindedly wiped away some drool from her chin.
Haruka was about to turn to the aqua haired woman, possibly to suggest something that would be deserving of the terrifying punishment of sleeping on the couch for a month. Thankfully, the racer's lover was absent from where she had been standing, since she was currently making a swan dive into the mysterious hole. The short haired blonde joined her moments later, down the rabbit hole.
And thus began the misadventures of Miyuki-chan (accompanied by Ruka-chan, and Michi-chan) in Wonderland.
As well as a growing awareness of Matrix references in fanfiction.
Regardless, this is not the story of how Haruka and Michiru got Miyuki to open up sexually in the scantily clad, horny lesbian filled world the girls of CLAMP see Wonderland as being.
I don't write lemons.
If I did, this would be one of them.
But I don't deal with Ifs, only Absolutes.
Except I write fanfiction, so I'm lying about the Ifs and Absolutes thing...
The entire cast of this story (including those that haven't shown up yet) yell at the author.
"GET ON WITH IT!"
Had either Miyuki or Usagi stopped for a second to think, they would have remembered that both of their schools had been closed for the week, due to... okay, so they were both giant piles of rubble. Indeed, this would have saved the both of them from a rather strange and interesting day. In fact, Setsuna should have just slept in too, as well as anyone else of any importance. It would have saved them a lot of trouble. Thursdays are always trouble.
An interesting fact to point out, is that the destruction of the two separate schools were, in fact, connected (though not connected to the 42 other schools and colleges under reconstruction from giant robot attacks). It started when a resident of the Nerima district insulted the reportedly "uncute, mallet-happy, tomboy" he was... is (sorry, I forgot that he survived the explosion) engaged to. This led to his relocation to lower Earth orbit moments later, crashing outside of a random high school, where a teenager wearing a yellow and black bandanna admitted to having "seen hell" because of the boy. The fight that followed was intense, brutal, and caused massive property damage. In other words, average day in Tokyo. Eventually, the brawl moved into the Juuban area, destroying the nearby high school.
And there was much rejoicing.
However, Usagi knew none of this, and so she continued running, only to be greeted with the sight of a giant pile of rubble. "Wha... the school... it's gone..."
And there was much more rejoicing.
And no, hula dancing was not involved this time.
Mamoru Chiba was happy. His college was currently under repair from a random giant robot attack, just like 41 other establishments of education in the area. Go figure. He had a day to himself, he could do anything he wanted with the time. It was such a feeling of freedom.
That's when the yelling and shouting started. The sounds coming from somewhere nearby. Ah, that would be the panicked masses, running from something.
The future king of the Earth ducked into an alley and, moments later, Tuxedo Mask arrived on the scene. The sounds of clashing steel filled the air as two men seemed locked in a duel to the death, while getting in some nice property damage. Had this been a cutscene from a video game (with a movie sequel), a haunting but fast paced song would doubtlessly be heard playing. One of the men had very spiky blonde hair, and was wielding what could be an impossibly huge broadsword. The other had long silvery hair and was using a katana... all right, so it like a ten foot long katana, you happy now?
Yep, any Final Fantasy 7 fan would be able to tell Tux-boy not to get involved with those two. Unfortunately, most of them were at a nearby RPG convention, where free copies of a special director's cut version of Advent Children were being given away. It is for that reason that he wasn't stopped before making a most grave error.
And so Tuxedo Mask attempted to break up a fight between Cloud Strife and Sephiroth. What happened next is far too violent and disturbing for most people to even consider thinking about. But you are anyway, aren't you? Suffice to say that, ten minutes later, a bruised and bloodied Mamoru lay on the ground, twitching. The two mortal enemies then jumped back into the plothole they came to Juuban through in the first place to continue their battle.
"Help... Somebody... I can't get up..." he groaned, "and I think I can see my spleen..."
He was later sent to the hospital and spent the rest of the chapter in Intensive Care. Unfortunately, he survived. But there's always next chapter.
At the Crown Arcade, Usagi had met up with the rest of the Inner Senshi, as they discussed their plans for the day. The only one that seemed to not be paying any attention to the discussion was Ami, who appeared to have her nose buried in a book again. In reality, her eyes were focused on something that, in her opinion, was far more interesting than The Grapes of Wrath. "Makoto..." she thought. Her cheeks reddened as she thought of the Senshi of Jupiter. She couldn't remember when she'd begun to feel this way, but her feelings for the brunette had deepened over the past few months. She became unaware of her surroundings as she thought of the girl.
The girl jumped in surprise, as Minako yelled in her ear. After recovering from the shock, she looked at the blonde and said, "What is it Mina-chan?" The bluette noted that the other three girls were standing by the door to the arcade, leaving the two of them alone at their table.
"Heehee, we've decided that we're going shopping." The senshi of Venus grinned. "So, what were you thinking about?"
Ami stood up quickly and grabbed her things before answering "No one." It took her a moment to realize her mistake, and her face reddened from her blush.
Minako noticed Ami's Freudian slip, but didn't mention it. She smirked, as she already had her own suspicions as to what was going on in the shy bookworm's mind. The blonde grabbed Ami and began pulling her along towards an afternoon full of hunting for fashionable clothes.
"Oh joy." Ami sarcastically thought to herself.
At the Outer's house, Hotaru and Chibi-Usa were sitting on a couch playing video games. They had been waiting for Haruka and Michiru to get back to take them to the park for hours now. The princess from the future winced as she started losing to her friend.
"Hey Hotaru-chan, do you know when your parents are getting back?"
Hotaru shrugged and replied: "They fell into that hole earlier in the story. It could be a while."
The other girl glanced at her. "Hey, why are you breaking the fourth wall?"
Hotaru frowned and said: "Chibi-Usa-chan, I didn't expect a bloody Spanish Inquisition!"
Both girls immediately turned to the front door and waited. After several minutes of watching, the two of them glanced at each other. Hotaru flashed a grin at her friend before saying "You know what? I've always wanted to say that." Chibi-Usa leaned forward and turned off the game console.
"Well, I'm getting bored. Do you think we could get Puu to take us somewhere?"
Hotaru sighed. "Well, and I don't mean to break the fourth wall again, but I think Setsuna-mama is... busy...
In front of the still incapacitated Gates of Time, Setsuna was applying super glue to a broken-off piece of the gates. She placed the piece onto it's proper place and smiled in relief as it stayed. "Well, only five thousand nine hundred fifty three more to go." When the piece fell off again, she started beating her head against the gates.
Chibi-Usa grew pensive. "So... half of my only two especially close friends are occupied..."
At the mention of the word "friend," Hotaru became depressed, though she wouldn't let the other girl know. "And," she thought, "she already has... Helios... I'll have to settle for being her friend despite my feelings for her." However, Chibi-Usa had a little bombshell to drop on her.
"...and, well darn it, my feelings for my other friend are, well, stronger than the kind of feelings a person has towards a friend!" She looked at Hotaru with a hopeful look in her eyes. "Hotaru... I don't know if I'm in love with you... but I know that my feelings for you are much stronger than my feelings for that stupid horse, Helios!"
"Usa..." Hotaru's eyes widened in shock, this was too good to be true! She flung herself forward and wrapped her arms around future princess. "I-I... I've always had feelings for you... for so long..." They looked into each other's eyes, both seeming to lose themselves. Slowly, the two of them leaned towards each other...
...And that's when three men dressed in nice red coats burst through the door and the one in front loudly proclaimed: "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" One of the other two, however, turned to you, the reader and exclaimed "My God, we're in a fanfiction. How did that happen?"
The two girls pulled away, surprised. Chibi-Usa shouted "You... You... Grr! We were having a tender moment!" The two of them transformed into their senshi forms and prepared to "punish" the three intruders, but first Chibi-Usa turned to Hotaru. "Taru-chan, after we get rid of these three... do you want to continue where we left off?" At the Senshi of Death's nod to the affirmative, the two leapt into battle.
In an unknown location on the Earth was Elysion. I'm not exactly sure why it's important, other than it has something to do with Mamoru's Golden Crystal, shrine maidens with Usagi's hairstyle, and Chibi-Usa's now apparently ex-boyfriend Helios. As Helios stood there, four Daleks teleported in around him. For those unfamiliar with the Daleks, they are hideously mutated aliens that live inside of oddly designed travel units. These look like trash can sized salt and pepper shakers that are split into three separate body segments and glide around. Each body segment can rotate 360 degrees, and the top segment has a stalk with a visual receptor, while the middle segment has two "arms," one that looks like a gun barrel and another that closely resembles a plunger. The four of them shouted what is undoubtedly the Dalek race's favorite word in a halting mechanical voice : "EX-TER-MIN-ATE!" The Dalek's pointed their gun arms at Helios and fired, killing instantly. And then a 16 ton weight fell onto the aliens, crushing them before they could slaughter humanity, as well as continuing an endless cycle of senseless violence.
"..." Ami was standing outside of a store, waiting for the others to come out. The reason for this happened to be a lingerie store, and Ami's mind seemed to keep thinking of things like a certain brunette in a lacy... "Gah! Bad thoughts!" She was also blushing beet red. It was getting quite late and they had been to almost every store within walking distance of their homes. This was probably the last stop too. Or so she hoped.
Suddenly, she saw the others coming out of the store and she sighed in relief. Now they could call it a day, and she could go home and study get her mind off of things like what Makoto would look like in a thong. However, she noticed the distressed look on Usagi's face as she was talking on her cell phone. "Usagi-chan, is something wrong?"
"WAAHHH! MAMO-CHAN IS IN THE HOSPITAL!" she whined (loudly) as she hung up her cell phone.
Minako shrugged, holding up her large amount of shopping bags. "Well, I guess our shopping trip's been cut short." Rei rolled her eyes at the blonde with the less outrageous hairstyle.
"You realize that you put five stores out of business tonight alone, right?" The senshi of love just grinned at the raven haired priestess. However, the blonde grinned as a thought occurred to her.
Minako grabbed Rei's and Usagi's arms and started dragging them to the hospital. "Well, we're going to go see Mamoru in the hospital, but we don't all have to go, so, Ami-chan, you and Mako-chan go home and we'll call you if anything happens. Bye bye!"
This didn't help Ami's blush go away, as saw Makoto turn towards her and smile at her. She smiled back nervously and thought "Well, we're just walking home with each other, her place is on the way. Nothing embarrassing could possibly happen... right?"
Irony and the Entity in charge of enforcing Murphy's law grinned at each other. "That's our cue!"
It was at this point that a tentacle monster began making it's way through Juuban, seeking it's innocent (and usually virgin) victims, tentacles dripping with the Gods-know-what. It also, though it did not know it, was the last of one in existence, thanks to the release of the latest best-selling book: Demon Hunting for Dummies. Unfortunately for the monster, and anyone who likes that sort of thing in their fanfiction, fate detests such creatures (hence the publishing of said book). Therefore, it should surprise no one that as the embodiment of depravity was quietly sneaking it's way towards a young girl with light blue hair in two pigtails... and a triangular marking on her forehead... the giant iconic Monty Python foot descended from the heavens, squashing the perverted beast into a righteous oblivion.
Sasami turned around, and only saw the giant foot. "I'm going back to the Masaki Shrine, Tokyo is weird..."
High above her, a booming voice was heard. "Ewww... what'd I step in?"
Setsuna glares at the Gates of Time (now covered in duct tape, glue, and a healthy helping of plaster). "This story is getting entirely too silly!" She turns to the now (hopefully) repaired Gates. "All right, that should just about do it." The greenette sighs, then teleports back to the Outer's mansion. She looks around for Haruka, Michiru, and Hotaru, but only finds Hotaru sleeping on the couch, with lipstick marks smeared all over her face, a wide grin on her face, and wads of cotton stuck in her ears. She was too exhausted to even contemplate these things.
She trudged up the stairs to the second floor, nearly dragging herself along and suppressing a yawn. She looked at the door to Haruka and Michiru's room, debating whether to open the door or not. She eventually decided to go in, thinking that they might have wondered where the Time Senshi had been all day. So she opened the door.
She then closed that same door. Wearily, she made it back to her room, and fell onto the bed, nearly falling asleep immediately. Her last conscious thought was: "Hn... that blonde sandwiched between the two of them... she was... really cute."
A.N: My God, what was I on when I came up with this. I ended it the way I did, so that I can add something more later if I want to, or I could just leave it like this. It all depends on you people. So please, tell me what you think, and review.
I mean it.
The Button Is RIGHT HERE!
/ Just press it. You've
/ nothing to lose but your dignity.