AN: Requested crack. Hehehehe. I LOVE crack.
It had been somewhat inevitable that Naruto and Lee would become good friends. The two class misfits were too good-natured to not befriend each other; and their remarkably similar situations made for a good deal of empathy. If they only agreed not to discuss the supremacy of orange over green/green over orange, they got along very well together.
If Neji had known what could come of this, he would have taken great pains to keep the two far away from each other.
In fact, once he regained the ability to move, he would make sure the two were too (bleeping) injured to talk to one another.
"…and then Kakashi-sensei takes out a book while we're fighting!" Naruto said indignantly, waving his arms as he played storyteller for Lee.
Lee frowned, a furrow forming in between his expressive dark eyes. "That is most disrespectful of Gai-sensei's rival, both to you and to the taijutsu he was not performing with his full attention. What type of book was it?"
Naruto hemmed and hawed. Even his tactless self didn't feel quite right about telling geji-mayuu that his sensei read smut novels in public, and in front of his thirteen-year-old students.
"Er, never mind that. Didn't see," he mumbled, then perked up as he continued with his story. "Ano sa, ano sa, and then Kakashi-sensei finished the combo with what he said was an ultimate taijutsu secret of Konoha!"
Lee sat up straight, interest caught. "An ultimate taijutsu secret of Konoha?"
"Yeah, yeah! He called it the Thousand Years of Pain, dattebayo!"
"Neji, my most formidable rival!" Lee hailed the other boy, bounding towards his teammates. "Let us have a duel so that we may test our strength against each other!" In his excitement, he put both his teammates to mind of an anxious puppy, tail waggling feverishly.
Neji sighed softly, glaring sideways at Tenten as she giggled. When Lee was excited enough to forego his usual elaborate greetings to his sensei and to his flower of a teammate, that usually meant that fobbing off his demands for a spar would be less than successful.
"I suppose it's that time of month," Neji grumbled, causing the girl at his side to laugh even harder.
"Why, Neji, is that a joke?"
"What?" Neji asked, staring at her.
Tenten rolled her eyes. "Never mind. Maybe I'll explain it to you when you're older."
Neji frowned, but was soon distracted by Lee bouncing around him, chanting "let's fight, let's fight, let's fight." He spared one last glance at Tenten, now walking to where Gai-sensei stood underneath the shade of a tree, and settled into the Jyuuken stance.
"Let's make this quick. I want to try out some new variations of Kaiten on Tenten's weapon-barrages," he told Lee.
Lee only grinned widely, falling into his own usual taijutsu stance. By long-standing tradition, the two boys held their starting stances until their teammate's clear voice called out, "Hajime!"
Then they flew at each other.
Tenten settled down to watch the fight, sitting cross-legged next to her sensei. Neji and Lee's spars were always good to watch – mostly, though she wouldn't admit this to Neji, because of Lee, whose high-speed attacks and all-or-nothing attitude towards it made for quite the spectacle. Neji's efficient, graceful style – almost like dancing – wasn't boring or anything – but Lee was just plain fun to see.
His speed was very much in evidence today, as he seemed to be maneuvering around Neji a lot more than usual, without landing as many attacks. It seemed he was trying a new, position-dependent tactic. Tenten's sniper's-eyes tracked the two boys as they flashed all over the grounds, one ear on their fight and the other on Gai-sensei's comments. In between the "Yooosh, Lee-kun! Let your youthful energy drive you to excellence!" and "Neji my prodigy! Your genius shines like a sun – of genius!" there were some really good points.
And then Lee darted behind Neji, and he folded his hands in the Tiger seal – and she was wondering why the hell Lee was using hand-seals, when he couldn't do any chakra-molding – and Gai-sensei had sucked in his breath sharply like someone getting punched in the gut…
"Konoha Ultimate Taijutsu Technique: Thousand Years of Pain!"
Neji's screams frightened all the wildlife in a three-mile radius.
"Lee, I am most disappointed in you."
"What you have done to your teammate is a horrible, horrible thing. To think that my hip and cool rival has found such an abomination of a technique! And you say he did it to his own student?"
"Naruto-kun said so!"
Gai shook his head grimly. For a moment, he looked into the distance, where a still-writhing-in-pain Neji was having his…injury attended to by Tenten, whose expression looked very odd – a cross between awkwardness and choked-back laughter, all covered with a liberal amount of embarrassed blushing. Gai closed his eyes, as if the sight pained him, and then turned back to Lee.
"Lee! In order to atone for your…behavior, you must run five thousand laps around Konoha every day for a week! With double-weights! On your hands! And – and you are forbidden from reciting poetry to Sakura-san until that is done!"
"Yosh!" Lee saluted, more put-out from the loss of poetry than from the physical exercises set him. He flipped onto his hands to begin the prescribed punishment immediately – only to collapse as a wave of killing-intent suddenly slammed into his senses.
"LEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The two green-clad Beasts of Konoha looked up to see an infuriated Neji hobbling towards them, Tenten following worriedly. (But still, Gai noted, unable to keep a hint of hysterical laughter from her expression)
"I WILL (BEEP)ING KILL YOU!" Neji howled, nearly falling in his awkward gait. Tenten had to catch him by the arm to keep him from toppling into the ground.
Lee decided that now would be a good time to begin running.