Notes: I'll have a revised version of this chapter maybe by next week, but I decided to post up this chapter now since I won't have access to my computer for a while. Please ignore any misspellings or misplaced commas and enjoy!
Fall Into Blue
Chapter 3: The Winner Is...
Not even a forbidden jutsu could shut Naruto's mouth. So, Tsunade and Sasuke were forced to wait as the blond ranted, raved, hollered, and screeched about living with a "GODDAMN UCHIHA BASTARD!" for "OH GOD SIX MONTHS?" and begged someone, anyone, to just please "KILL ME NOW!"
After Naruto ran out of breath and rasped out one last curse word directed at the stoic jounin beside him, Tsunade flicked out two scrolls. Sasuke effortlessly caught it, but the other scroll smacked the panting blond on the forehead with a distinct tunk! and a subsequent "OW!" The scroll clattered to the floor and Naruto glared at it for hitting him.
"You'll be leaving one week from now. When you arrive in Takitsubo, you'll be living with Ooyama Iyasu. He's been keeping an eye on the area for me. He's also an old friend of mine, so you better treat him with respect and follow whatever orders or precautions he offers you."
"But then why do we have to go? If that old geezer—OW!"
"Respect, Naruto!" Tsunade snapped, one less paperweight on her desk.
Sasuke glared at Naruto's loud mouth, but he shared the same doubts and questions as his blond counterpart.
"Hokage-sama, why do you need two high-ranked officers to go? Why not some chuunin instead? And why two males when it would be easier to have a female in the team?" Sasuke asked in a clipped, clearly pissed off voice.
Tsunade fixed a sharp gaze on the Uchiha. Hmph...Kakashi was right. I have to watch out for him. Way too smart, damn it.
"First of all, Ooyama is retired, so I will not ask for any more favors; having you two idiots staying in his house is more than enough. Second, most chuunin are preparing for the jounin exams two months from now, so they're all unavailable. Third, there is currently no female jounin available for a long-term mission."
"And what's the purpose of this mission?" Sasuke asked as his eyes narrowed slightly and slowly. There was definitely something off about this whole situation and he didn't like it one bit.
"There have been some rumors about rebellious uprisings going on in Stone or Waterfall Country. Takitsubo is the perfect location to keep an eye on both countries." Tsunade responded, holding Sasuke's unnerving glare evenly, yet her stomach began to feel hollow. Damn Uchiha...
"Tch. What country doesn't have rebellious uprisings? They rarely cause any significant disruptions. And you're making this elaborate mission based on rumors?" Sasuke scoffed skeptically with an undertone of suspicion. "That's ridiculous."
"Ridiculous, hm? Well, if you make it to ANBU someday then maybe I'll start taking your lowly opinions into my consideration, Uchiha."
Naruto snickered and Sasuke's death-glare only seemed to tickle him. The blond reached down and picked his scroll off the floor. It tumbled open...
UC Position 02:
Name: Yamabuki Hima
Blood type: A
Skin: Pale; northern descent
Relations: Distant relative to Ooyama Jun; wife to Sumirou Koushi
Role: Traditional homemaker; educated in tea ceremony, literature, music
The scroll was filled to the brim with fine print, but the only words that Naruto needed to see was female and wife. He furiously rolled up the scroll and slapped it back onto Tsunade's desk.
"Hell fucking NO! Find someone else, you old hag!"
"You heard what I told Uchiha. You're in my office now and refusal is not an option anymore, brat."
"Ha! I'm already ANBU so you can't threaten my position!"
"Don't forget I'm the one that assigns missions to ANBU, you idiot! And if you refuse, then I hope you like weeding gardens, walking dogs, and finding lost cats in the sewers," Tsunade grinned dangerously, "because that's all you'll be doing as long as I'm Hokage."
And that shut up Naruto. Because evil, old hags like Tsunade lived for a long, long time.
Sasuke was laughing under his breath. He easily dodged a flash of Naruto's fist. Sasuke regarded Naruto with a challenging come-and-get-it smirk as he tucked the husband-role scroll into his vest pocket.
"You shut up!" Naruto glowered as he pointed an accusing finger at Sasuke. "And why do you always get the good stuff! It's no fair you get to be the husband! I wanna be husband!"
"Well, I guess Hokage-sama thought you would make a better woman than me..."
Naruto scowled at Sasuke's backhanded compliment before directing his angry gaze to Tsunade. "And why the hell did you assign ME to be the wife!"
"Ooyama's deceased wife, Jun, had blond hair. Naturally, the townspeople will think that his wife's blood relative would have some physical semblance to her; you'll be accepted more readily. And between the two of you, I guessed you would be a better woman," Tsunade confessed and ignored Naruto's indignant squawk. His male ego was getting a real beating today.
"But—but Sasuke's paler than me and he looks and acts all girly! And all he has to do is bleach his hair!"
Sasuke shot a high-powered glare at the loud ninja.
"Okay, fine, whatever," Tsunade sighed, rubbing her temples. But the idea of Sasuke being bleach-blond was disturbing and somewhat wrong. "Uchiha, you be the wife."
"No." Was the immediate reply.
"Hey, you can't refuse the Hokage's order!" Naruto snapped. Tsunade and Sasuke looked at him, both tempted to smack the blond-haired hypocrite upside his thick skull.
"Look," Tsunade crossed her arms and leaned back, "I don't care who takes the role—one of you is going to do it!" her sharp tone demanded no further argument. "Decide amongst yourselves and report to me tomorrow morning. Got it?"
The two men grudgingly nodded.
"Good. Now get the hell out of my sight!"
With a growl, Naruto turned on his heels, shot a glare at Sasuke in the process, and marched to the door. He realized that Sasuke wasn't following him, but didn't stop. The blond knew he had to come up with some out-of-this-world, mind-blowing, super genius idea to make Sasuke accept the position as wife. Naruto opened the door, already brainstorming some schemes and tricks, but—
"I'll take the role as wife, Hokage-sama."
Naruto stopped dead in his tracks—his mind slowly registering that, oh my god no way!, that was definitely Sasuke's voice and no one else was in the room—and he spun around, blue eyes wide with shock and disbelief. "Ehh! You...you will?"
Sasuke went on as if he didn't hear Naruto's voice. "I'm sure I am capable of all the skills required for that role."
The blond's delighted face turned sour and he grumbled something about stuck-up, girly show-offs.
Tsunade continued to stare at Sasuke with wide eyes, her jaw slack with shock. But then she noticed a slight...smirk?...pulling on the corner of his pale lips. She narrowed her eyes and tightened her lips with faint suspicion; she knew this was too good to be true. She didn't know the quiet Uchiha very well, but there was no way in hell he'd take this role so willingly.
"Simply put, I would be a better wife," Sasuke continued haughtily. "Uzumaki couldn't play the part of an old-fashioned, decent woman. It just isn't in his character or his abilities. He's too loud—"
"WHAT! I AM NOT!"
"—his language is uncivilized—"
"Like hell it is!"
"—he has no manners—"
"I do too! Take that back, you bastard!"
"—he can't cook or clean—"
"I...I can CLEAN!"
"—and he'd make an ugly woman, anyway."
A deathly silence overtook the area. The only sound in the room was Tsunade slowly sliding her chair back, as if to inch away from the soon-to-erupt chaos. She knew that Sasuke was just baiting Naruto, but...if there was one thing that any sane Konoha ninja knew not to do, it was to never call Naruto's prided Sexy no jutsu form—
Sasuke turned around, only to see a blond blur hurling toward him. The jounin was suddenly shoved back, but he managed to stay upright. Sasuke found dainty hands clutching his vest in a vice-like grip. A blonde, baby blue-eyed, curvaceous, peach-skinned woman was pressing herself against him. But she was baring her fanged teeth and radiating off tangible waves of red fury.
Any other normal, mortal man would have been blushing red and sweating a river with such a beautiful, stark naked woman so up close and personal. But Sasuke wasn't normal. And whether he was mortal was a debatable issue (half of the population said he was a traitorous fire-breathing demon and the other half—his fan club—dubbed him the divine god of all that is perfect and sexy).
"Did you just call ME ugly?" the blonde beauty asked through clenched fangs.
"Yes. Ugly." Sasuke confirmed. One of the Uchihas' secret and prided abilities was to stand in the face of adversity with bored looks on their faces (the technique had been passed on from generation to generation). So that's why Sasuke was able to stare down at the very-female-Naruto with an apathetic, bored frown.
Naruto, as expected, exploded. "YOU WOULDN'T KNOW A SEXY GIRL IF SHE KICKED YOU RIGHT IN YOUR—!"
"Naruto! Control yourself!" Tsunade interrupted sharply.
"But he called me UGLY! How can you call this—" Naruto wildly gestured to his perfected Sexy no jutsu body, threatening to dissipate the foamy white clouds. "—ugly! I mastered the true essence of this technique. I am the epitome of a gorgeous babe! And that's a fact! Ask any great ninja! Jiraiya, Kakashi, Ebi—"
"Perverts don't count, you idiot," Sasuke interrupted. "They'll take anyone. Even the barely passable ones..."
"Did you say I'm barely passable!"
"No, I implied it. And your form is nothing to gloat about."
"Ha! I'd like to see you do better, but—oh wait, that's right!—you can't even do this technique!" Naruto snapped and put his hands on his hips smugly.
Sasuke's eyes briefly gleamed crimson with the Sharingan, but he closed his eyes and smirked. "Hmph. I guess I'll have to show you how it's really done."
Suddenly, a plume of white smoke swallowed the Uchiha from view. Naruto and Tsunade blinked, but as soon as the smoke cleared, their mouths fell open...a woman with snowy skin stood before them, delicate and exquisite; her thick, inky hair licked at her hips and framed her fine cheekbones; her long-lashed and dark eyes peeked through a fringe of jagged bangs, entrancing them with a sultry gaze. Even though fluffy white clouds covered certain areas of her body, it was obvious her curves rivaled the blonde's.
What. The. Hell.
Then another explosion of smoke a second later and Uchiha Sasuke re-appeared once again in all his tall, masculine glory. Naruto was still gawking. Sasuke regarded him with a look that clearly said you-are-inferior-I-am-superior-accept-it-and-bow-to-me. "The only ones who can't master your stupid technique are amateurs, dobe."
"Wh...what—why—wh—when did you—huh?"
"Not that hard to copy, idiot. But anyway, now you see why I'm better fit for this job."
"You are NOT!"
"Look, just admit it. You don't know the first thing about being a wife. It's nothing to be ashamed of, dobe. It's just a role and you don't happen to have the skills for it," Sasuke said flippantly with a dismissive wave of his hand.
And that was another thing sane Konoha ninjas knew not do; it was a physical hazard to dismiss Uzumaki Naruto. It wasn't beyond him to bite that hand off.
"What the hell do you know, teme! I could be the sexiest, best damn wife ever!"
"Tch. Right, whatever. Just let me take care of it, Uzumaki. Hokage-sama, give me the role as wife. I won't bring this mission to ruin," Sasuke held out his hand airily to take the assigned scroll.
Tsunade was biting her tongue to suppress the laughter threatening to escape. She just silently placed the scroll in the Uchiha's awaiting palm, but—
"NO!" Naruto snatched the wife-role scroll from Sasuke's hand. His fist clenched the scroll like a pledge of honor, his blue eyes bright with enraged determination. "You bastard! You don't know what I'm capable of! I'll make a better wife than you ANY day! I swear I'll prove it! And stuff it in your face!"
And then the blond stomped out of the office (still in his very naked Sexy form with clouds trailing after him) and slammed the door like a raging teenage girl. Soon after, there were several scandalized shouts coming from people who saw Naruto's prided jutsu for the very first time.
Tsunade cleared her throat of restrained laugher. She leaned back in her chair, a smirk on her face.
"That was good, Uchiha."
Sasuke didn't acknowledge her remark and turned away silently...but she swore she saw an identical smirk on his face.
When Naruto was halfway to his apartment, still hissing curses, he came to a sudden halt in the middle of the road. And slowly looked down at his fist. He stared at the scroll for several minutes before he realized what a stupid, stupid thing he just got himself into.
Tsunade looked up from her desk. "Come in, they're gone."
Kakashi and Iruka strolled in, closing the office door behind them. The silver-haired jounin raised a hand in greeting. "So, how did it go?"
"They fought as expected. And Naruto's the wife...Sasuke played him like a pro," Tsunade replied with a disappointed sigh.
Kakashi only made a satisfied and knowing hum; he held out his hand expectantly. Tsunade grumbled and handed over a small roll of cash. Iruka glanced between the two with a confused frown, which soon turned into a stern and sour expression when he realized what was going on. They had made a bet on this affair! Despicable!
"You two should be ashamed of yourselves!" Iruka scolded sharply, using his Teacher's voice. "You're treating this like some—some game! This isn't for your entertainment! We're doing this because we have to and because we care about them!"
Tsunade and Kakashi felt like they were genins under his hard stare. They both nodded guiltily and mumbled their apologies (but Kakashi still pocketed the money).
"Now then..." Iruka closed his eyes and sighed. "Hokage-sama, have you explained the situation to Ooyama-san yet?"
"Yeah, and I already received a reply from him. But there's one problem. He asked for a week to prepare all the paperwork over there. I told Naruto and Sasuke that they'll have that long until they leave...but I think Uchiha's on to us. Do you think you can stall them for a week, Kakashi?"
The jounin's eye curved, almost cat-like. "Yes, that actually works out. I can keep them busy for that long. But I'll have to borrow Sai."
"Yes. Ah, and do you think you could relieve Hinata of her hospital duties tomorrow and a few days after?"
Tsunade and Iruka regarded the silver-haired mastermind with identical looks of confusion and a fair amount of suspicion.
"This is all very sudden, Kakashi," she remarked disapprovingly, yet curiosity was eating away at her. "Don't make a bad habit of making these requests on such short notice. Is there anyone else?"
He nodded. "Sorry about that. And yes, I'll need a few others, but I'll give you names tomorrow. I'm still formulating my...ehm..."
"Devious and twisted plans, which are unnecessarily elaborate and created for your own amusement rather than for the well-being of your former students?" Iruka supplied helpfully with a chillingly sharp tone.
"I was about to say something...less harsh, but that'll do. Thank you, Iruka." Kakashi smiled sheepishly, but he received a rather frightening glare in return. The jounin decided it would be best to sleep on the couch for the next few days and he carefully turned his attention back to Tsunade. "So do you think you'll be able to get me Sai and Hinata tomorrow?"
"Hmm...well, I have Hinata doing surgery soon. And I have Sai signed up to lead a mission tomorrow," Tsunade responded and eyed Kakashi warily. "I need a good reason to mess up their schedules, Kakashi. How are they going to be involved?
"They're going to be instructors." His two accomplices could hear the smile in his voice.
Iruka blinked. "...instructors?"
"Yes. After all, Naruto and Sasuke need 'proper training' to prepare for their 'undercover roles'...ne?" Kakashi smiled conspiratorially. "We have to make this mission as believable as possible. And we have to keep Naruto and Sasuke busy this week so that they don't figure out what we're doing. This is the best course of action, don't you think?"
Iruka brought a hand to his face and sighed heavily. But Tsunade smirked in return. Kakashi could be a real conniving (and fun) bastard sometimes (which was why he was one of her favorite advisors).
"I'll have Sai and Hinata waiting for you in my office tomorrow morning. Don't be late, Kakashi."
"Oh, I won't be."
E.n.d. o.f. C.h.a.p.t.e.r. T.h.r.e.e.
As you can see, I'll be bringing other characters to...'help out' Sasuke and Naruto! ;) Hinata and Sai are first up! But if anyone has requests or ideas on other characters they want to see take part in the fun, I'll gladly listen and try to bring them into the story. I'll probably be giving away spoilers about Sai; you've been warned!
And thank you guys so much for your reviews:throws out cookies for all: They made me so happy and giddy! My fingers were just flying all over the keyboard (and maybe the chocolate raisins helped with that). And I'm so glad many of you voted and offered suggestions. They were really helpful. :)
Reply to Last Chapter Reviews:
Midnight Shining Star- Hehe, yeah, Naruto can be a little slow sometimes, but we love him for it! And I'm probably gonna make him a little dense in this story too. ;) I hope you're happy with who the dear wife is!
Sasuke2006- Thank you for all of your suggestions! It helped me finalize my decision on who the wife was. :) Ah, and I'm sorry you didn't understand the flashback part (that lil' steamy scene)—but yes, it was a flashback and not Naruto's imagination. That's why Naruto and Sasuke are kind of awkward around each other...hehe, if I say anymore I might just give away the story. :) thanks again for reading and commenting! Hope you're happy with the wife!
Baka Neko Kyo Chan- Ahhh, I just love it when people can laugh at my story (because it's humorous and not because it's horribly written)! ;) I'm glad you think its funny so far; hopefully I'll be able to keep the atmosphere like that throughout the story. Thanks for reading!
suruna- Now that the cursed cross-dresser is revealed, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Poor Naruto will be stuck with pretty kimonos and getas for a while. ;) (Sasuke won't be complaining though).
Kakujo- Hehe, you guessed right! Naruto's the victim. I hope you thought their reactions were IC! Sasuke was a little slippery for me so if you're a Sasu-fangirl, please don't hunt me down and shoot me. :) As for the centerfold form, Naruto will have to use it. What did you think of Sasuke's though? ;) hehe, thanks for reading!
Black Angel of Destruction- Glad I caught your interest! Thanks for reading!
Kuro-Himitsu- Hee hee hee, thanks for sharing your opinion! Even though I can go both ways with who's seme (they're both just so hot), I definitely see why you're more of a seme-Sasuke fan. :shares evil grin: thanks for reading! Hope you're happy with the wife. :)
Prozacfairy- 'Poor Naruto'! lol, I've been getting that a lot. Yup, I'm afraid I've made him especially dense in this fic...and he will suffer more from now on...so a few prayers might help the poor guy. ;) thanks for reading!
Pedestrian- Hey, thanks a lot for your suggestion! I didn't even think about what the 'house situation' will be like until you said something about it. Hehe, I'm really slow with processing and writing stories, but now I've got future ideas churning. ;) Thanks again!
FullMetal8977- I really glad to hear that! I hope this fic continues to make you laugh. :) thanks for reading!
sweetpotato1992- Hehe, I'm glad you think so! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Fig- lol! Poor Sasuke has a name like that...it sets him up. ;) hehe, I'm sorry but my plot bunnies decided to play dress-up with Naruto instead! But fear not, Sasuke will get his share of humiliation. ;) thanks for reading!
Elena- Ahh, I'm sorry I won't be able to go with your suggestion...but hopefully the story will still be entertaining (because Sasuke is still gonna suffer). ;) Thank you for your opinion though! Hope you liked the chapter!
Fields of View- I'm so glad to hear that you think my writing style is 'refreshing'. That's the nicest thing I've heard:glomps you: I always thought I get too wordy or something (I can be such a detail-pig sometimes). Hehe, I hope you're happy with the wife! You were rather persuasive..."You know you want to" lol! Hehe, and thanks for all your comments on various aspects of the chapter! It tells me what I'm doing right. ;) I'm glad you liked the flashback scene...I'm still new at writing those scenes, but hopefully I'll get better since there will be more later on... :smiles like maniac fangirl: I should shut up before I spill anything. Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
KC Evans- I am so glad to hear someone actually liked the beginning! I was afraid I was going way too slow and, hence, being a total bore. I'm glad you like the story so far. I'm hoping to have all those genres you mentioned packed into this story—hopefully it won't run off into chaos. Keep me in check, please? ;) Thank you for your comments! It made me all giddy and giggly! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Tanuki-dono- Hee hee, Naruto does prove to have more hug-me-I'm-cute! qualities, which is why he's ending up as the wife! Thanks for your comments; it helped me make my choice. And I definitely understand what you mean by slapping gender stereotypes around, but I'm afraid this story will contain some of it. :) After all, Naruto has to pretend (and will struggle) to be an "old-fashioned housewife" in Japan. And they don't live in a modern day era, so there is a certain social etiquette to be followed by men and women. There are exceptions to everything when it comes to complex relationships (who and when which partner is more dominant, submissive, or etc), and that's how Sasuke's and Naruto's relationship will be like. Hopefully I'll stick true to this and develop their relationship accordingly. Thank you for bringing these things in perspective for me!
Raven and the Beast Boy- 'if Sasuke is told to dress as a girl someone's gonna die!' lol! That made my day! I didn't think of that, but when I did I realized it was a very probable idea. ;) thanks for reading!
PockettsFull- lol! I hope you're happy with the wife! And don't worry, you'll see Naruto complain more than enough. ;) I've got lots planned for him... mwahahaha!
Hikari Manganji- lol! Thanks for your vote! I wasn't expecting anyone to do it, but I was pleasantly surprised:) I hope you're happy with the wife as well as Sasuke's Sexy no Jutsu form. ;) Hehe, I just had to do it, but Naruto's always going to my number one Sexy no jutsu form. ;)
flame-alchemist-x- lol! No, please keep on guessing how the story will go—you may just be right if you keep on tryin'. And plus, it feeds me ideas! ;) Thanks for reading, hope you liked this chapter!
Reject From The Back Of The Bus- lol! Yep, I made Naruto a little dense in this fic because he's so cute when he's clueless! ;) Hope you're happy with the wife!
evildictionaryninja- Hehe, yep, even though Naruto's stuck being the wife, I'm going to try to make them both suffer equally. ;) thanks for reading!
DMHPluv- lol! Naruto's so cute when he's slow, don't you think? ;) thank you for reading!
Trekiael- lol! You set up many fine reasons as to why Naruto should be the wife! I have to admit, you did have quite an influence on my decision. And I've been getting a lot requests to make this SasuNaru. (I lean more toward SasuNaru myself but don't tell anyone) ;). Hee hee, I hope Sasuke showing off his Sexy no Jutsu didn't scary you off! He would make one hell of a 'wife', but he's the type to just grit his teeth and not complain and that's just plain boring, right? So it's best to rely on Naruto for that. ;) thank you for your suggestions! Hope you liked this chapter!
Gold Silk- lol! Thanks for the pink dress imagery! But yup, yup...even though I think Sasuke would make a good-lookin' girl, Naruto does have more experience and talent in the female department. ;) Thank you for reading!