By: Junsui Kegasu
A/N: For my cousin because exams suck.
Xemnas was infamous as a Nobody with numerous pet peeves. He hated anything unclean, unbuckled, or unwashed just among his twelve followers and their outfits. He was extremely picky about his food, which put a lot of pressure on the self-appointed cook of the Organization, Xaldin, and would often throw the most horrid temper tantrums. Everyone knew how to stay on his good side; Axel never pulled any prank within ten yards of him, Demyx decided to only practice if the orange-eyed leader was across the castle, and everyone was very agreeable to him.
Well, most everyone, at least.
In truth, the Organization was more of a bunch of toddlers than a group of deadly Nobodies. Even if they attempted to keep him quelled, his patience often ran thin, especially with two people: Saïx and Xigbar. It seemed that always – always – the two were arguing over something pointless. He knew that Saïx envied Xigbar for being higher up on the list, but was it really his fault that he had stumbled upon the gravity-defying Nobody first? No, he did not think so.
Nonetheless, it never failed: In the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, when he was trying to sleep… at any given point in time, Saïx and Xigbar could start arguing, and he dreaded it. If he attempted to intervene, they would manage to pull him into the argument to make some stupid decision or form some stupid, half-hearted punishment like confinement to one's room for three hours. If he decided not to intervene, there would likely be some irreparable form of devastation inflicted on his beloved castle. Either way, Xemnas could not win.
He had heard the rumors float around (no doubt started by Axel – his Flurry of the Dancing Flames could be far more childish than Saïx or Xigbar in his own way) that he would eventually turn one or both of them into a Dusk to solve the problem. Other rumors stated that he was… favoring one over the other, most of the time Saïx. Sometimes there were even bets going on as to what the outcome of the next argument would be.
Quite frankly, Xemnas was very sick of the entire thing. He had tried to make Axel stop spreading the rumors (by a method he would rather not discuss, lest Marluxia go off on him for child molestation again) and it worked in that there were no more new rumors, but the rest of the Organization appeared to stay very amused by the original ones. He had tried denying it very violently whenever the topic was brought up, but they all just giggled like they did not believe him. No, something needed to be done about those two – for his castle and his sanity.
He had been pondering just how to do it while writing up a grocery list for Demyx to go out and get when he heard it: a loud thump from the ceiling above him. He wished he had a portable radio to turn up the volume on and continued scribbling, sighing in frustration when he realized he had lost both trains of thought. He did not hear another noise until he was folding the paper and standing up to go bring the list to the Melodious Nocturne. This time it was a shattering crash, and Xemnas decided with a sigh that there was yet another vase gone.
He really did try to ignore it this time, because he was still plotting how to make the whole thing stop altogether, but then the yelling started and the calls for him to get up there on Saïx's part. Twitching, Xemnas decided milk, eggs, and the like could wait and walked up the stairs, being sure that his walk portrayed perfectly the fact that he was very tired of this. He knew where it was coming from – it never took place anywhere else except Xigbar's room, so he merely threw the doors open. He opened his mouth to yell at them, but the sight in front of him kept him silent, mouth agape.
They were not arguing… or maybe they were, but probably not. No, maybe they were just caught in the moment… like in that one movie… yes, of course - caught in the moment.
"N-nn… Saïx… s-stop for a minute… wh-what if someone hears..?"
A groan. "They haven't yet… don't you worry… or better yet, do, because it makes you sexy."
…Not caught in the moment. These two knew exactly what they were doing, and he, the most powerful Nobody in the building, could only stand there and watch with his mouth hanging open and his finger in the air to start lecturing them. He watched transfixed as Xigbar undid Saïx's clothing with such ease he was quite more than a bit disturbed. He didn't stop staring when Saïx pulled out a tube of some kind of lubricant, though he did wonder how Number Seven had managed to get that into the castle.
"A-argh… Saïx, stop… I hate that stuff… G-god dammit; fuck me dry!"
Xemnas could not even find it in him to look away when Saïx complied and Xigbar whimpered – whimpered – in pain. He didn't look away when they started to move, and it looked a lot more uncomfortable and awkward than it had ever felt to him before. Wait, was this not voyeurism? Never mind… now was not the time to think about that. But then, now was not the time to sit here and watch this, either, and he was doing that.
For some reason, Xemnas felt quite a bit disappointed when he realized that during his mental debate, he had practically missed the entire episode. Saïx was now dismounting Xigbar and righting his clothes. Xigbar was attempting the same thing but with more difficulty because he was covered in his own seed. He waited until the very last moment (when Saïx started turning towards the door) to move out of view and went to make it look like he was walking down the hall when he heard another shatter.
"I'm telling Xemnas," Xigbar sneered, like he would have done normally.
"Go ahead! See if I care – he'll just punish you!"
…What was going on here? Xemnas decided he did not want to know any longer… but he was also sure that this argument could go without his interruptions, and he walked away, very perturbed and the shopping list in his pocket all-but-forgotten. However, his sharp ears picked up another comment:
"Heh, he totally still thinks we hate each other!"
"Xemnas isn't the shiniest apple in the box…"
…The next day, Xemnas added whispering and sex to his list of peeves.