Title: A Shinobi's Guide to Puberty
Author: desolate butterfly
Genre: Humour/Romance
Rating: PG13 for language and sexuality
Pairings: NaruGaa
Summary: Gaara has a problem and Naruto is called in to solve it.


Naruto slammed the door to the Kazekage's office open and stomped over to the man seated at the desk, sending one of Gaara's assistants scurrying out of the way with a hasty bow and widened eyes.

The Konoha envoy was one of the few people allowed into Gaara's office without specific invitation by the Kazekage, although it had taken a few weeks for the Gaara's staff to get used to the idea that the energetic Leaf nin would actually ignore protocol and randomly burst into Gaara's office at all times of the day.

Usually he burst through the door, complaining loudly about the heat, the lack of good ramen stands, and the slowness of Suna's bureaucratic process which was keeping Naruto from finishing up his business and returning to Sakura-chan and going to look for Sasuke (not that he didn't like spending time with Gaara, the blond was quick to point out, he just had a limited amount of time in which to find his missing team mate and return him home, whether he wanted to go or not).

This time he came in complaining as well, but it wasn't about the heat.

"What the fuck, Gaara?" he yelled, and the assistant, still in the room at that point, turned several shades paler and shot a nervous glance at the gourd propped next to Gaara's desk. No sand rattled in its depths, however, and the cork stayed firmly in place.

Gaara looked up from his paperwork, face expectant.

"I was just about to get those bastards from the committee to sign that bloody treaty, finally, and I get a message telling me that the Kazekage demands my presence immediately," Naruto continued. "I race back here, expecting an invasion or something and you're just in here doing your damn paperwork. What the fuck was so important it couldn't wait until later, huh?"

Gaara ignored him and turned his eyes to the assistant gaping at them from the corner of the room.

"You may leave us now," he said, the tone stating that he expected to be obeyed without question. "Leave the files on the new Water Conservation plan with Hotaru-san and I'll look them over tonight."

"Yes, Kazekage-sama," the assistant stammered, quickly fleeing the room.

Naruto watched him go with a suspicious frown.

"Okay, what's going on? Is this top secret mission stuff?"

"I need to ask you something," Gaara stated, tonelessly. "I expect you to be discreet."

Naruto rolled his eyes and adjusted the hitae-ate on forehead.

"Hey, I'm a ninja. Discretion is my middle name," he boasted.

Gaara looked pointedly at the bright orange jacket Naruto still insisted on wearing but didn't comment on that.

"I've been having a problem with my body, lately," Gaara continued.

"Body problems?" Naruto frowned, looking confused. "Shouldn't you be discussing that kind of thing with a medic-nin?"

Gaara shook his head. "I'm talking to you because I think it has something to do with you."

"With me? Like, maybe it's a demon container thing? Is your seal acting up?"

"N—" Gaara started to say, but stopped himself. His head cocked to the side as he considered this. "Maybe," he said. "I hadn't taken it into account, but my seal could be reacting to yours in some way and that's why…"

"Why what? Just spit it out, Gaara. What's the problem?"

"My penis reacts strangely when I look at you," the red-haired sand nin stated, very matter of fact.

It took Naruto a few moments to actually register the words. When he did, his mouth gaped open and Gaara resisted the compulsion to tell him that he would catch flies if he let his face stay like that.


"My penis," Gaara repeated, wondering why the other man's cheeks turned red every time he said it. Surely it wasn't that hot in his office. He'd just had a new ceiling fan put in, after all. "It…hardens when I look at you. Sometimes it's very uncomfortable. And lately, when I dream of you I wake up leaking. I tried examining myself once after I woke, and I ended up feeling dizzy and weak. My heart rate and breathing also accelerated and when I recovered, I noticed that I had leaked even more. It was very disturbing."

"…disturbing," Naruto agreed, weakly. "You…dream of me?"

Gaara shrugged. "I usually dream of you, and other people I know. That wasn't any different. But my body reactions…those concern me. And that they seem to be geared specifically to images of you. If it's not the seal…do you suppose it could be a jutsu of some kind? The Akatsuki again—"

"I don't think that's it," Naruto interrupted, wiping a suddenly sweaty hand on his pant leg. "Gaara hasn't anyone ever explained to you…"

"Explained what?"

"Well what happens when…when…fuck, I'm so not the best person to talk to about this. Look, you know that women have babies, right?"

Gaara frowned. "Naruto, I am not a woman. What does this have to do with my penis?"

There it was, that flush again. Perhaps it really was that hot in his office. Gaara would have to speak to his staff about how to properly install a ceiling fan. Obviously it wasn't working well enough.

"Argh, this is impossible! Okay, okay…you say you've been having uh…dreams about me," Naruto said. "Am I…doing anything? In these dreams?"

Gaara frowned harder. "Doing anything? You are standing. Sometimes you are training."

"That's…uh, okay. So I'm not…touching myself or anything? I've got all my clothes on?"

"Why would you be touching yourself? And you are wearing clothes, although sometimes you take off your jacket."

Naruto sighed and shook his head. "Nevermind. So you dream of me just sitting there, fully clothed, or training with my jacket off. And then you wake up."

"Leaking," Gaara reminded him.

"…leaking. Yeah. And you're sure that's all that happens in the dreams?"

"I'm sure."

"Well…what are you focusing on, when you dream of me? What do you notice?"

Gaara thought about that for a moment. "I seem to focus overmuch on how your body moves," he answered finally. "How fluid it is, the strength in your arms and legs. And I notice…."


"Your eyes. They're very…blue. And I seem to focus a lot on your lips as well."

"Really?" Naruto asked, sounding a bit intrigued. He licked his lips, just to test a theory (plus they were rather dry anyway) and grinned when he saw how Gaara's eyes followed the motion.

"Yes. Do you know what this means?"

"Sure," Naruto leered. "It means you're horny."

"…I don't have horns, Naruto."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "It's just an expression!" he sighed. "Look, the dreams you've been having, everybody has those kinds of dreams. Not that everyone dreams about me—but I'm sure a lot of them do, 'cause I am one sexy guy—but they dream about somebody and then they get all hot and bothered and…leak. It's called growing up."

"So my penis hardening when I look at you, that's normal?" Gaara mused.

"Well it's not exactly conventional to have those kinds of feelings for another guy but…yeah, it's totally normal."

"So how do I make it stop?" Gaara asked.

Naruto stared at him. "…you don't. I mean, it's natural. Your body just…does that. You can't make it stop."

"You mean I'm going to be uncomfortable whenever I look at you for the rest of my life?" Gaara said, sounding concerned. "And the leaking…I've had to find a new staff member to wash my sheets already!"

Naruto quickly dismissed the implications of that last sentence from his thought-process, because he wanted very much to remain sane. He waved his arms soothingly.

"Hey, hey, it's not that bad is it? I mean," he bit his lip, "the one time you uh…examined yourself. Did it feel good?"

Gaara's eyes narrowed. "I told you how I felt: dizzy and weak and my heart rate increased—"

"No, no. I mean did it feel GOOD? Did you like it?"

Gaara broke eye contact in order to stare at his desk top, his hands clenched in a white-knuckled fist under the table.

"I…I don't know."

Naruto stared at his confused friend for a few seconds before walking up to the desk and leaning over, into Gaara's personal space. Startled by his closeness, Gaara's eyes widened and the sand in the gourd rattled ominously. Still, Naruto didn't back off.

"If you promise to keep a lid on the sand for a bit, I can help you find out," he offered, voice low and slightly husky.

Gaara looked at him suspiciously. "How?" he challenged.

"Well…" Naruto slowly brought a hand up and cupped the back of Gaara's neck with it. Instantly, Gaara thought of several ways Naruto could kill him in this position, including snapping his neck. But he trusted this strange boy, now a man, who risked his life to rescue him from the Akatsuki, who stayed close and never seemed frightened of the awful being sleeping inside of Gaara. He kept tight control over then sand as Naruto leaned in while pulling Gaara's head gently towards his own.

"I was thinking," he murmured, so close now that Gaara could feel his breath against his lips in a heated wave, "we could try it like this."

And then his lips were on Gaara's and he was feeling that strange dizziness again, strong pulls of heat reaching from his mouth, down his throat to fire in his belly and groin. It felt dangerous and overwhelming and yet…and yet…

Naruto broke the kiss and pulled back a bit, rubbing soothingly at the back of Gaara's neck.

"You okay?" he whispered.

Gaara couldn't speak but Naruto seemed to understand that. He nuzzled at Gaara's chin and Gaara found the action intriguingly animalistic. A response twisted in his gut and he was trying to decide if it felt like pain when Naruto spoke again.

"What do you need?" he asked.

Gaara didn't think about it. This feeling…he'd never been drunk but he had heard villagers describing the condition before. He wondered if this was what drunk felt like. He needed…



It was a long time before Naruto left the Kazekage's office that night.



Any commentary is much appreciated.