Disclaimer: I own precisely 0 of the potterverse
This is a bit of an angst, warning for suicidal themes
This goes out to all emo's.
Sometimes you get this feeling, it's odd really. It's like being torn into tiny pieces inside and being eaten by some kind of really vile creature. Piece by piece by piece, its not physical pain of course, it's all in the mind. It makes one so fragile, so vulnerable that just the tiniest problem can prove to be the cause of an emotional breakdown.
I have that feeling right now, see there's this boy, and I know cliché right? But it's not like that, there's this boy who is one of my best friends. I love him to bits, as a brother of course but my friends don't seem to understand that. He used to go out with one of my friends, she didn't tell me for a while- they kept it a secret but soon enough everyone found out. It was explosive really, except while together they didn't talk much, it was a bit empty.
A few months ago things became awkward between him and I. He'd blush when I would make a comment or I'd stress over the smallest things he did. Neither of us would talk to each other about it though. We'd bicker like an old married couple and be ridiculously stupidly arguing over the slightest thing. That was then, this is now.
Now, even my friends seem against me. I'm not stupid, I've heard what they say but I have ignored it, until now. They always make snide remarks, 'she's all over him,' 'look at her talking like that to him,' and so on. Just because I'm clever enough to provide him with intelligent convosation doesn't mean I love him. I can have male friends, in fact he's been my friend for ages but this year especially everything has flared up. Is it because we are older now, supposedly wiser? Is it because I'm also not stupid enough to realise that although I'm no stunner, I'm not ugly either? My mum calls me 'naturally pretty,' which I suppose I can relate to, with my soft brown hair and blue eyes. I'm strong-minded, which is usually a thing people despise me for, because I never give up a grudge or an argument. Not boasting, but I am clever, I enjoy reading and I do try in class, although rule-breaking isn't beyond me. I have strong beliefs and morals and can stand up for myself, and am, 'too arrogant for insults too affect me.' That's how I see myself anyway.
Is that why my friends all seem to think I love him? It's not as if he's my only male friend, I have several actually. Some laugh and joke around with me, some we just talk, and some it's just a 'hi,' when I see them as they aren't in my classes. Yet it's him who they single out, him who they say, 'she's in love with him,' him who they smarmily comment, 'Just go out with each other already.'
But what strikes me as upsetting, the reason why I have this cutting emotion deep inside of me is that my other best friend, said that I was all over him too, and that everyone thinks that he and I were obviously going out, behind everyone's backs. That hurt. To know my best friend no longer trusted me, no longer supported me in the one aspect of my life I have no control over, to know that my best friend agreed with all the other sneaky comments. To know that my best friend didn't even tell me, that I had to find out through others who supply me with the information so much more cruelly.
My friends are all against me, all I have left…is him. Isn't that ironic? The one person they all expect me to go to, and when they leave me I have no choice. He and I, we've spoken, we've both clearly said that if either of us felt that way about each other, then we would have asked each other out by now. Neither of us are cowards. We are friends, and now tomorrow he said that at lunch he will not hang with the group, he will go and play some sport, 'before anyone ends up killing each other,' he claimed. I begged and pleaded him not to; as everyone would know he had backed down, and virtually hid. I knew he didn't really enjoy playing the sport, watching it yes, and the occasional passing of the ball yes. But seriously, as friendly games, he had no interest. That makes it painfully more obvious that he's hidden, and I feel ashamed.
I don't really know what to do, whether to just act as if nothings happened or to try and coop myself away from my friends until they can see the sense to apologise and realise that I don't feel that way, that he and I are friends. I've had one friend, who lately I've been a bit rocky with and she has said she once suspected that he and I meant more than friends to each other, but she stopped it there, she supports me vaguely. Yet she can't openly show her support, too much would be at risk for her, which I can understand. After all, who would dream of standing up for a bookworm who speaks her mind? Sounds absurd doesn't it, the strongest people brought down to their weakest form, bearing all their emotions and being brought down to nothing, to literally brake. To have your morals shattered for something as silly as a boy, who you are…positive…? Absolutely…positive that your just friends with. To have your beliefs and dreams die and wither and to have your feeling of being loved to being closed and alone. Do you know how it feels to be alone, but yearning for a hug. Yearning deep within for some kind of support from a friend? The simple notions of having a friend give you a proper hug makes some feel tremendously better. I used to give my female friends hugs, to give my best friends a hug…but it means nothing. Without a hug from the one you yearn for you feel left, so unsatisfied. You know that if you hug him properly and release the yarning deep within, that your friends will assume the worst. Yet I can't understand why it's his hug that I know will affect me so deeply. Just to wrap my arms around him and close my eyes, to feel safe and secure in his arms. Somehow I halt at the thought that I can't bear without him. I cringe inside at the idea that deep beneath my skin, in the very depths of my soul that I know how I feel, but cannot admit it.
How do explain to someone who you have agreed with that you do not have romantic feelings for, how do you explain to them that unless are with them, unless you are bound in tight embrace from them, that unless you can feel safe and calm with his arms curled around your waist that you will break down. How can you tell someone that you, although you have tried to fight it, that you do have feelings for them? That you have fallen smitten with the one who you know you can never have. The one who you agreed with that you'd tell if you feelings changed towards him.
How can you explain that unless your head is leaning on his chest, with your ear listening to the soft thumping of his heart in sync with yours that you feel insecure? How do you let him know, let your friends know, that you know he is the only one you can ever feel loved by. He is the one who makes you feel wholly complete inside, he is the one that lets you breathe a sigh of relief, the one you trust with your life.
How do you admit, after swearing you didn't love him, that you do?
Maybe you know how I feel? Maybe you can understand why my shoulders constantly feel heavy, my chest fallen and my body, why my body feels as though it's been squeezed by a clenched fist like a stress ball. Except the stress isn't being released, does anyone out there understand why I feel close to tears when I think deeply of why I can't have him. Can any other person relate to me when I say that I feel like I'm dieing inside, when I saw that I feel like a compressed piece of junk, discarded into a pile of worthlessness.
Can you answer my never ending questions? Can anyone?
They say a feeling is unique, and then if it is I know I suffer alone. For no other person could have felt this way and not ended it, whether by taking their life or by simply admitting that they are wrong.
One of my many flaws, as I've already mentioned is that I'm too headstrong, now I realise what's so wrong with it. I can't bear the thought of admitting how I feel, admitting that I was wrong. A wise old man once said that it's harder to be sorry for something your wrong about, harder to go back on a decision when you are wrong. The feeling of embarrassment is overwhelming and there is a pain in the crimp of your shoulders, something not even a massage could heal. Something only a forbidden love can heal.
This feeling, it's maddening. I can't bear that I know I could never have him. I know that if I don't end it, I'll constantly drive myself crazy with all the, 'what ifs?'
My parents used to say that a good night's sleep would cure all. Not even sleeping medication can help me. I awake the same every morning, with that awful pain in back, the glitch in my heart telling me that it'll never be full and so I make my decision.
I could have never realised that I loved him unless I'd written this, it's a shame that today is too late, and I'll leave this in my drawer. Hidden, like my heart for so long.
I placed this…letter? In my top drawer, which holds all my most treasured possessions, a photo with him when we were younger and innocence was still upon us. Before the crimp in my back became so unbearable I had to go to extreme measures. A few notes passed lovingly in class between friends, a photo-album of my adventures throughout the school, and an old locket, with a feeble chain loosely strung through it.
I walked to the tallest tower I could find, and leaned out on the rocky battlements. My white nightdress rippled softly in the wind, caressing the air with its flowing movements and my hair blew softly behind me. I smiled, knowing that my pain would soon stop. My suffering would end and my heart, empty and broken would finally be put to rest. I closed my eyes and breathed the pure night air in deeply, a white snowy owl flew ahead in the distance and I unconsciously licked my lips.
I jumped, and the pain stopped.