There's something about Shirizora's fics that makes you want to write, y'know… so I'm writing another Roxiri. I think maybe I'll dedicate it to her, too, because she makes me that happy with her writing, her amazing skills. Maybe I should try reviewing too...
But one point: overall, this fic goes to one of the loveliest girls I've met on here, who I absolutely love and who I hope loves this fic. For Miyori, or the little Fi-chan, for her birthday! Sweet sixteen and I hope she enjoys it!
So here goes. And I hope it'll be long.
dancing girls and knights
Well she's not bleeding on the ballroom floor
Just for the attention
"-Like hell she's not," I snort, as always, right at the beginning of the song. Panic! At The Disco fills my room and my ears, and I give in to the music as always, closing my eyes. I can't help it – music makes me feel… good. Lame word, but there you have it. "Good," I murmur under my breath, curving my lips slightly at the weirdness of it all.Have some composure where is your posture oh no no You're pulling the trigger all wrong
And I hear laughing. It's really irritating, you know, when you're right in the middle of the music, of being the music, and somebody laughs. "Sora, shut up," I mutter. I even go so far as to open my eyes and try to glare at him. I'm no good at glaring, though, and he laughs some more from over the other side of the room.
Roxas doesn't though. He just sits there, quietly, eyes hooded, arms folded across his chest, and watches me. Or is he? It's one of those things you can't really tell, whether or not he really is watching, whether or not he's thinking about you or the movie he saw yesterday or the book he wants to buy or that dog eating the woman's icecream across the street…
He's quite the mystery. I have to smile at his innocent face, so like and yet unlike Sora's. I can never get why people get them mixed up. They're so different.
Give me envy
Give me malice
Give me attention
For instance, Sora thrives on attention. He might deny it, and go all red just like a cherry if someone calls him popular or admires him for something – say, one of his many talents like playing the guitar or fighting – but he loves all the attention. He can't get enough, and so he keeps on being the best. The malice and envy though – neither of them like that. It's one of the things, I think, that make some people so jealous of the both of them; the way they're both so innocent in their own ways, even though Sora's a happy (excited, childish, crazy, hyperactive) little munchkin and with Roxas a lot of the time you'd think he was about to die, he was that sad.
Roxas always seems to be so thoughtful. It's quite adorable if you catch him at it, the great art of thinking and trying to prove that he wasn't really thinking about what you accuse him of. That's usually Sora teasing the poor younger cousin about the girl just down the street from me, Namine. See how cruel he is? But he's still too likeable. I don't think anyone can be angry with Sora, or Roxas for that matter, no matter how jealous of them they are, or how naturally good at things they are without meaning to be.
I can be, of course. It's one of the privileges of being a childhood friend. I've known Sora forever, through Riku. And through Sora, I met Roxas, although that was only two years ago. And whether they or I like it or not, we're inseparable now.
And I think too much. That's what they always tell me. It's what I realize now, now that the music's changed already… "Damn. New song already. Meh." I growl under my breath. I know it's my fault for musing so much, but I also know it's their fault for being so… in my thoughts all the time. I honestly can't think of a way to describe it –
Praying for love and
Paying in naivety
…Okay… I didn't really think that was the way to put it, but if that's what the music wants to say, I'm not going to argue with it. I simply sing along, and from the corner of my eye I see Sora start to laugh again, and the slight curve of a smile on Roxas's soft lips too. It warms me.
See? This is so their fault. I can't get away from these two. I love them both… and I hate how I love them. It confuses everything for me. There you have it, you see. The crux of my problem, my dilemma, the piece de resistance if you will (or whatever that really means).
I love them both. Equally. No buts about it. It didn't matter to me that I had known one all my life and one only for a few years – that's just the way it is.
But I'm afraid that I
Well, I may have faked it
…Lyrics never seem to fit in with what you're feeling, although I can think of a dozen other songs I can relate to right now. It'd be nice if I could foist it all off like that though. 'Sorry, guys, it seems I was mistaken about my undying love for you two. Mind if I run off with that random guy over in the corner over there?' Ridiculous.
The hardest thing about it? They're so similar and yet so different, that it was impossible to prefer one over the other. Roxas or Sora, Sora or Roxas, it worked both ways and none. They were both perfect and complete the way they were, and I hated it because it confused me so damn much.
Things would have been so much easier for me if they'd just been the one person. I stood there before them, listening to my music and musing…
Praying for love and paying in naivety
Praying for love and paying in naivety
"Roxas, turn the music up…" I breathe. He obeys, looking curiously carefree as he resumes his place beside the window, and for once it's Sora who looks pensive in the shadows.
I'm not stupid, you know. I know she loves me. And Sora, too. It's the way I feel. Well, sort of. And that doesn't really make much sense, does it?
I know that I love her more than anything in the world. I know I want her, and that she seems to feel the same way… but she loves us both, the same. And that's just made it so hard for the two of us. Meaning me and Sora…
We've talked about this, on the weekends when it feels like the right time to bring it up, at a party when everyone else can't even hear themselves think above the music, at the swimming carnival while she's trying to make us both get in the water and play, swim with her.
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
Ah, it's a new song. But anway… we both love her, our Kairi. She – forgive the extreme mushiness, the romanticism of it all – she's like our guardian angel. And because of her, we actually try to talk about this. About her. It scares me, a lot of the time, when I broach the subject tentatively, or Sora does, because we can't always be sure where it's going to go. Call me paranoid, but it's true. Love really isn't a sure thing. Anything can happen when you're in love; and it scares the shit out of me. I wouldn't usually say that, but it's the best way to explain something like this. And when we do talk, there's always the question – who will she pick? Who won't she? When will she choose? How will she make that decision? And there's always the knowledge that it can only be one of us, or neither. Because she's like that.
This kind of conversation only happens between Sora and I, though. I'd never dream of bringing it up with Kairi. That'd seem like I was forcing her to make a decision… and God, that's the last thing I'd want. I don't do anything around her I wouldn't do around Sora. That keeps it safe, kind of. I'm not ready to argue with Sora.
I'd love to be able to do what I've seen before, though, like that time when Riku and Sora fought when Sora was going out with Namine. To fight like that with Sora… but it's really hard to even think of hurting your best friend in such a way, for me, anyway, never mind that Riku was and actually still is one of Sora's best friends. He's lucky. He's got a lot of them, it seems.
Our delicate dancing girl pauses for a moment, head tilted, eyes still closed. "Roxas," she says to me now, "Could you put on… The Hush Sound?"
It's the little things like this. The Hush Sound are my favourite band. And she's asking, actually asking for the music to be changed from her current obsession to mine. And it's times like this that I just want to hug her, so hard, and never let go.
Haha. My life is one big cliché. I feel the irony even as I obey, hover the mouse and click on the folder that contains The Hush Sound on her computer, highlight the thirteen songs that are there and right-click so that I have the option of playing them. Violet eyes look sidelong at me; she knows my habit of making things harder like this, taking the long way instead of tapping the link that says "Play these items" on the side tool bar. She's still swaying a little to the last of that Panic! At The Disco song, "Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off".
Ridiculously long title, that. I grin as the music starts up again, this time the gentler, not so challenging chords of "Echo" start up.
I'm pulled to the black silver ocean
where the current and the heavens collide
I can barely hear it, and the room's gone stiller, quieter, and I quickly turn up the volume on her silver stereo, blue and purple and orange lights winking and bobbing and laughing at me and my haste. From behind me, Sora laughs a little in response to the lights, and I turn and smile at him. Kairi is smiling too, in the darkness of her room, still rocking to the gentle undulating music.
You are the navigator who never could lead
we were lost in the silver sea
I was the ship who was too proud to ever sink.
This is what pure torment is. The three of us caught up in some pathetic emotional love triangle that you only ever read about in books, or fanfiction. I scowl / pout / frown / smile helplessly as I resume my seat again, and the atmosphere is sunk in a comfortable gloom again. She hasn't asked for his music yet, and that makes me happy. I know it'll happen soon though, and I … I hate that. But look at us now, just look at all the happy contented faces, the two of us staring at her, and she's completely oblivious to it, or not, but it seems like it, and everything's normal as it gets with us. Oh, how I hate this.
I just hope Kairi find a way to end it all for us soon.
I think it's one of those universal truths; it's never changed, and never will change. It's undisputable.
She's got red hair, that seems crimson in some lights and maroon in others and a deep pink tinged with purple in still other lights. Her violet eyes can soften to lavender or become as hard as pure dark amethyst. Her lips are soft, or at least look it – I've never dared touch them. Her skin, her limbs and body, are smooth, animated marble, with the faintest tinge of rose pink that deepens when she's excited, or when she looks over her shoulder at me and Roxas.
God, if she knew my poetic soul, she'd be laughing her ass off.
But I hate hiding things from her. So the way I hide things is to joke. Laugh it all off, and hope that someday it'll be all right, it will all come clean.
Who shot that arrow in your throat?
Who missed the crimson apple?
And there is discord in the garden tonight
The sea is wine red
This is the death of beauty
The doves have died
The lovers have lied
Whoah, that Roxas has violent taste in music, I laugh to myself silently. That line, though, the ones about lovers dying, that hurts. It's quite scary, and I clear my throat to say so, then fall silent as those violet eyes light on me. I know Roxas is looking at me questioningly too, but I'm not going to say it now, I've decided. What was I even going to say? All thought seems to leave me when she looks at me… ah, it was about the previous bloodthirsty song. This gets a grin out of me. But that's just me covering up again. She still hasn't asked for it to be changed to my music yet, my Fall Out Boy. But I know she will soon; she's like that.
Isn't it weird, how you can get to know all of someone's habits so easily, without even realizing? And when it at last clicks that you know pretty much everything there is to know about them without actually being them, it's about then that you know that you actually love them…
There's my poetic self, shooting its goddamned mouth off again…
But anyway. Kairi laughs suddenly, without any obvious reason, and Roxas and I exchange a look, smiling too. We would've been at each other's throats long before if it hadn't been for her. Of course, if not for her, we wouldn't even have dreamed of fighting in the first place… There's a truce between us. We'll always do everything properly if it means not hurting Kairi. Oh my God, she's just… so adorable. I wouldn't ever do something to hurt her, not consciously. I hope I wouldn't do it unconsciously, either…
Roxas and I have even sat down, deliberately, with a mug of hot chocolate each that Kairi'd murder us for drinking without her, and discussed this issue. We came to the obvious conclusion that we're both head over heels for the girl. Duh. But we talked more than I ever did with Riku. Maybe because this is more important to me than that was. So we've decided that nothing we do will ever hurt Kairi deliberately, and that includes doing something to hurt the other person. Not that I really want to hurt Roxas anyway – I don't really want to maim my best friend! Ah, and there's another stupid little joke.
I used to dream until I stopped writing fiction
all right well that's not true
Maybe it ended when I entered competition
Because I'd always lose…
She holds us together and she tears us apart. Three best friends with no clear direction.
Kairi stops moving suddenly, opens those beautiful violet eyes that take my breath away. "Roxas," she says dreamily. "Can I have Fall Out Boy now please?"
Happiness. I feel my gut clench at Roxas' hastily masked expression of pain, as he silently changed the music to Fall Out Boy and the soft vocals begin the song 'Grand Theft Autumn' and I try not to feel guilty.
Where is your boy tonight?
I hope, he is a gentleman
I know this pattern so well. Her music, his music, my music. Now all that remains to be seen is what she'll pick next. What a nerve-wracking song this will be. And her next choice, it'll tell us how she's feeling… I just hope she doesn't pick something she wouldn't usually, like The Black-Eyed Peas or something like that. Wait. Does she even have that on her computer?
You were the last good thing about this part of town…
Which one do you pick, Kairi?
She's laughing all of a sudden. "Good thing I've got such good taste in music," she smiles, "or you guys'd never come around!"
We all laugh, watching her, spellbound. What a lie. And 'her' music? It's all of ours. It's why she even plays it in the first place. Because it belongs to us. But she's trying my technique, and I love her for it and I hate her for it, because she's trying to cover up with a lame joke. It's the last thing I want; Kairi, reduced to faking things for us. Is her lip trembling, or is it simply a tremulous smile? Well, she's smiling now, and I can't just ask her. No matter how much I may want to.
I can see them both waiting now. It's crazy, this sad little game of ours, and they both know that I'm just trying to make them both happy. Roxas looked so put out when I inevitably asked for the music to be changed that I wanted to hug him, yet Sora was so satisfied when I asked that I just wanted to laugh and dance.
Hmm. I really love their taste in music; it's exactly the same as my own, except that we always have different current favourites. If I'm over the moon with Hellogoodbye, Roxas'll be dreaming of Nickelback and Sora will be humming along to The Queen of the Damned soundtrack. At least we don't argue over music, like we always end up doing with most of our other friends.
You need him. I could be him...
I could be an accident but I'm still trying.
That's more than I can say for him.
I wonder if they like it because I like it? I know I started listening to The Hush Sound because Roxas found them and loved them, and I always try to enjoy something a friend does; I didn't need to try to like them though, they're really a good band. And The Used; Sora burnt the album for me, the "In Love And Death" one, and I listened to that because he gave it to me.
Suddenly, though, I've had enough of Fall Out Boy. I'll always love the band, but I need something else right now. I twirl, and feel both their eyes suddenly piercing into me, those matching shades of blue. "Roxas. My Chemical Romance. Please. I really need to listen to them."
I hate these moods. The really, really sudden mood swings, where I can't do anything but go along with it, and ride it out. But I need this music, right now. ""I'm Not Okay", too. Not on random. Please."
Yeesh. Now they'll think I'm going crazy, or I'm going to have an emotional outburst or something. I'm not so sure I'm not going to, actually. I'm… feeling pretty much what the song says.
Well if you wanted honesty
That's all you had to say
I never want to let you down or have you go –
It's better off this way
Smiling at them, I say, "Don't you think you guys should probably be getting home now? You've been here a couple of hours, Sora, your mum's probably wondering where you are by now. Roxas, didn't you say you needed to drop by Wakka's fishing tackle store and give him something?"
They nod silently at my cheerful monologue, eyes bright with concern. It's moments like these that I love them both, and can't pick, because how can you hate one more than the other when they have so many similarities? Or love one more than the other… I realise that that was a really depressing way to put it.
The file out, and I smile brightly at them both, until they're gone, and then, without reason, I start crying. But I'm still wrapped up in the music, and spinning, and that takes me away, just a little way away so I can still breathe.
School. Oh, hallelujah. I hate it sometimes. Selphie's hanging off my arm like a demented yellow monkey, because it's mufti day – out of uniform day – and she won't shut up!
"Oh, and did you see him, Kai?" She practically bubbles at the mouth in her eagerness to spill the news. "He was pretty hot, wasn't he, and what a six-pack!" She nearly trips over something – her own feet, I presume – and rights herself with the use of my arm. I quickly mask my long-suffering look with something that resembles mild interest as she peers sharply at my face all of a sudden, and she continues. "And ohmigod, I downloaded that MCR song, the one that goes "hip hip hooray for me, yeah you talk to me, but would you kill me in my sleep" or something like that, and I love it! And ohmigod, there he is, there he is, there he is!" She's squealing now, as we near a blond senior whose very, very angry expression seems to brook no nonsense.
"Hi, Seifer," I say calmly. He nods to me and gives the brunette beside me who's bouncing from foot to foot one of those 'say-anything-to-me-and-I'll-drive-this-here-knife-through-your-scrawny-yet-attractive-neck' looks. Selphie, however, is oblivious to those looks. God help us.
Or Roxas. He's just come along. I grin gratefully at him as Seifer turns away, although Selphie looks crestfallen at the disappearance of her latest crush.
"Hey Kairi," he says, "Whatcha doin'?"
This cracks me up suddenly. It sounds like that thing, that tiny flash movie where the guy goes "Hey Kairi, whatcha doin', why ya got that blank zombie-like stare at me?" or something. I think he knew that, which was why he said it. King Dumb Hearts or something, I think it's called. "Not much," I say gleefully, disentangling myself from the yellow monkey and grabbing Roxas' wrist.
I always forget. End of year means parties. End of year also means our formal. The Year Ten formal. And that means dancing. With a partner.
How the hell do I pick?
I just want to go die in a hole right now…
End part One.
xDDD This was bloody MASSIVE. God... so so so so so so big. Isn't it great? Just how much I've written, not the actual work... although I hope it's good too...
FOR MIYORI. Uh... where's that little birthday announcement...
H A P P Y .Bi R T HdA Y >>.Mi Y O R i
F R O M .A N G E Lk Ai R i
And... ciao. Review, please!
Tally. SilverAuthoress. Rikku. AngelKairi.
-x- crack!pairing goddess -x-