Ok, I know, new story so soon after the first one. Well...I'm going through a bit of a drama right now, so this story means a lot to me, it's a way for me to get out my relationship problems...I'm relating a lot to Yoshiko right now. Hope you enjoy.
I actually tried to upload this last night...But the site wasn't working right for me. I think this is only going to be two chapters or so. Not that long, I just need to get things out and relax my mind.
I'm slipping again. Slipping into oblivion. Slipping so far that nobody can save me. Not this time. This won't be like those other times. They broke me then, but not now. They can't break me again, not this time. I'm too far gone now.
She says she loves me. But after what's happened I find it nearly impossible to repeat it. It's almost hurtful to say it back. I think I do love her...wait, I know I love her. If I didn't, then this wouldn't hurt so much. It hurts even more then when I strike the wrong key on a song that I've been practicing for months. And I remember a time when nothing hurt more then that did.
Now I sit here watching her everyday, wondering why? Why did she do this to me? Was I not enough for her to love completely? I feel as though I wasn't the woman that she thought. That I wasn't enough for her heart and mind. I know I have her mind. But someone else will always have her heart.
I'm fighting a losing battle for the one woman that I love. The other shall win, not me. I never win. Shy little Yoshiko never wins a fight. Someone always beats me. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. I'm lost. I hate this feeling.
I'll never have her the way her Michiru has her. Haruka will always belong to her. I'm just the girl that's 'here' now. I want more then that from her. I want her to be mine. All mine. I don't want to hear her talking to Michiru, telling her how much she misses, and loves her. It tears me up. I don't think she realizes how much it hurts me to see her laughing and smiling when Michiru's name is even mentioned.
I sat and turned the pages. One at a time. She was right, I had no idea what I was doing to her. I did love her. But Michiru had my heart. Yoshiko poured so much into us working. I knew she wanted me all to herself. I just can't help how I feel though. I can't help that I love both of them. I know it's not fair. But I wanted them both. They both do so many different things for me that I can't explain. They're so opposite of each other. Yet I feel as though I fall right in the middle, with no set direction to go.
I turned the page again. Another entry starting. She never dated her entries, probably so nobody could trace them back to that day, to figure out what exactly had happened to make her feel like she did. My eyes needed to read more of her words.
She's got me to the point where I'm tired of feeling. If I feel, I hurt. And I don't want to hurt. I'm tired of hurting. I love her too much to be hurt by her. I can't let myself be hurt.
It's so hard for me to believe that if someone truly loves, they will never hurt. I don't see why that's such a hard concept. I'm not one to hurt. Never on purpose. I can't do it. Because I know what it's like to go through it. I hate what's happening. I just want to push everything aside and go back to how we were before. Before I knew how she felt about Michiru. And before I knew how Michiru felt about her.
I remember once Haruka went home for a weekend. She'd needed to get some things from her mother. Well, I remember being scared. I knew Michiru still loved her. I was terrified that something would happen. She promised me that nothing would. Yet when she got back, she lied to me. She had reassured me that everything was alright, that nothing had happened, that all they did was sit and talk. I found out a few weeks later that it was a lie. That they had kissed, not once, but twice. She lied...I wanted to tell her to go to hell...But I couldn't. Why couldn't I? Everything would be so much easier if I had just left her. I wanted to kill Michiru when I found out she kissed my Haruka.
Haruka lied about the visit. She told me that nothing happened. She reassured me that I had just overreacted. And that she loved me. When I found out, I was broken. I felt used, and unloved. I wanted to leave then. My head was telling me to run, yet my heart loves her too much to let her go so easily. I feel torn between the two, in a sort of physical purgatory. My head is calling my heart a jackass, yet my heart is telling my head to be patient. I just don't know what to do.
I do love you Yoshiko. It's just not the same. I don't expect you to understand. I never wanted to hurt you. I never intended to hurt you. I never expected my feelings for Michiru to return. I always knew she loved me, but I never thought I'd love her again. I thought I was over her when I moved away from Tokyo. When I came here, I fell for you. I wasn't expecting to even meet you. You came out of nowhere. You were so perfect for me. I can't let you go. I don't think you realize that. I feel so selfish for still wanting to be near you. But I know it'll never be the same again. Will it?