Sorry it's been a while since I updated, it really has been done for a long time now. I just haven't wanted to reread what I'd written, to type it. Things are better between my girlfriend and I, which is why I didn't want to reread this story...Hope you enjoy it
God, it hurts to be near her. I love being near her. Yet it hurts. I can't help but to think of everything that's happened. All the lies. The actions, everything. When I'm near her, I can't help but wonder what's a lie. She told me she wouldn't lie anymore. That her lie before tore her apart. But I just don't know. I guess that would be enough to tear anybody up, wouldn't it? To lie to the person you love.
I just got home from seeing her. It hurt me so much. Everything seems to be the same every time we're together. We start out the day just fine. We act like we're dating, without any problems. Yet, by the end of the day when I leave to return to my apartment, everything goes bitter. It's as if we open up old wounds. Wounds that I don't think will ever heal between us. There's always going to be that gap isn't there? That gap that grows each day. Even with all the time we're together, we're never actually together...are we Haruka?
I don't know how many times I said it to you. How many times I said sorry. I could have screamed it to the whole world and you still would have looked at me with that same blank face. I guess, in a way, I did realize how much I hurt you. Yet you never showed hurt on your face, or in your eyes. You were good at hiding it. I wish you wouldn't have though. I just don't want that gap anymore. That never-ending chasm, that seems to fill with more and more sorrow and grief.
Today was horrible. Haruka just got back from her trip. She went back home for a week. She told me that she needed to find out where her and Michiru stood. She promised nothing would happen. Well, I had to pick her up from the train station, she left her car at her apartment building. She had her coat on, which was normal, it was spring time there was still a chill in the air. But she had a scarf on around her neck, it wasn't like her, she never wore scarves. Even in the dead of winter she'd go with just her coat. I had asked if she was sick. She hesitated, and right then I knew something had happened between her and Michiru. I ignored her as I got back into my car, I left her there. I couldn't face her then, she'd lied. She's tried calling me several times, but I'm ignoring the phone, I even turned the ringer off so I wouldn't have to hear it. I can't talk to her. It hurts to even think about her. I can't be here, without her.
have to go...I loved you Haruka.
I wiped away a tear from my cheek. If I had just stopped myself. If I had never slept with her...Then you wouldn't have died.
I can't tell you sorry anymore. You're gone. It's too late. I can't take back the things I did to you. I can't apologize anymore. Because you can't hear me.
I cant now, looking at your gravestone. Michiru's in the car, she figured you didn't want to see her. I'm sorry that I did this to you. That I drove you to this point. I know my words don't mean much now. But...I love you.