Before we begin on my first attempt at humor, I'd like to thank HarvestMoonRacoonwho kindly let me use her "30 Ways" format. If you'd like to use it, PM her and she may have mercy. Or maybe not. (Coughs) I don't own Naruto, and I am not trying to offend anyone and their favorite parings. If you've got a problem with that, flame me and I'll enjoy some s'mores over the fire. Yum, s'mores!

30 Ways To Irritate/AngerAburame Shino

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."

-Salvador Dali

1. Instead of Shino, call him 'Bean-O'. Insist each time that it was 'an accident'.

2. Replace all the air freshener in the Aburame household with Off.

3. Read him a limey Shino/Kankuro fanfiction.

4. Cosplay as Shino and follow him around Konoha.

5. Mimic everything he says.

6. In a high, squeaky voice.

7. Glue pink rhinestones to his sunglasses while he sleeps.

8. Wear fake vampire fangs for no particular reason. Smile often.

9. Nudge his side and wink suggestively.

10. Sing 'Bad, Bad Leroy Brown' for three hours in a soprano's range.

11. Poke his midriff and whisper, "Your stomach's showing."

12. Sneak up behind him and scream, "DESERT COFFIN!"

13. Carry around a remote control. Pause, rewind, and fast-forward yourself.

14. Call him 'Buggley-Wuggly.'

15. Buy Shino a pink Doodle bear for Christmas.

16. Laugh loudly and snort.

17. Inform Kureani-sensei of his odd stapler fetish.

18. Place a Want Ad in the paper advertising a beat-up old station wagon spray-painted magenta. Include Shino's number for the seller.

19. Use the word 'miffed' constantly and out of context.

20. Sit down next to him and slowly rub his calf with your foot.

21. Take him out for barbeque. As he reaches out for a piece, scream, "That one's mine!" and slap his hand away.

22. Write and send letters to Ino declaring Shino's undying love.

23. Handcuff him to Gai-sensei.

24. Bookmark gay porn on Shino's personal computer.

25. Staple Sasuke plushies all over his walls.

26. Buy him a 'Knitting For Dummies' book, present it to him in public, and thank him profusely for the hand-knit rainbow scarf.

27. Wiggle your toes and ask proudly 'if he can do that.'

28. Click a ballpoint pen rapidly next to his ear as he tries to sleep.

29. Play Frisbee with the dinner plates. The ones with the dinner still on them.

30. Jam his CD player with Liam Lynch's 'Happy Song.'

"What are you reading, Kiba?" inquired Shino, leaning over his shoulder curiously to read the words on the screen.

Kiba said nothing but smiled evilly and hit 'play' on the jukebox. Music began to strain in...

I am really special 'cause there's only one of me
Look at my smile, I'm so dang happy, the people are jealous of me
When I'm sad and lonely, I like to sing this song
It cheers me up and shows me that I won't be sad for long

"..." Shino was speechless. "K-kiba... uuuhhh..." He was cut off by a sharp poke to the midriff.

Oh oh oh I'm so happy, I can barely breathe
Puppy dogs and sugar frogs and kittens, baby teeth

Watch out all you mothers, I'm happy as hardcore
Happy as a coupon for a $20 whore

"Uuhh... K-kiba..." Kiba mimicked, grinning maniacally. Shino coughed and a bead of sweat rolled down his cheek. "Here, Shino, it's a Sasuke plushie..." He held it out in front of Bean-O's face. Bean-O jumped back, grasping the counter.

I'm really happy, I'm sugar coated me,
Happy, good, anger, bad, that's my philosophy

Kiba reached into his pocket. "W-what are you doing..." Shino stuttered. He slowly drew out a pair of... fake vampire teeth!

Shino gasped. The music changed keys...

I am really special, 'cause there's only one of me
Look at my smile, I'm so dang happy, the people are jealous of me
These are my love handles, and this is my spout,
But if you tip me over, than Momma said knock you out

Hinata knocked on the door. "Uhh... S-Shino-kun, Kiba-kun... w-what are you d-doing in there?"

Kureani joined her. "There's some really annoying music playing." She paused and looked at Hinata. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking...?"

Hinata smiled maniacally and cackled. "BREAK DOWN THE DOOOOOR!"

I am special, I am happy, I am gonna heave
Welcome to my happy world, now get your crap and leave
I am happy, I am good, I am...

There was a loud crack as both girls fell through what was left of the door to Shino's room. "Hey, Kureani-sensei..." Kiba grinned, "did you know about Shino's obsession with stapl-"

Shino screamed and ran out, shrieking for his dad not to touch the 'air freshener'.

I am... I'm outta here! Screw you!

Kureani poked her head through the door. "Shino, why in the heck do you have gay porn bookmarked on your computer?"

If this is your first time reading one of my stories, you don't know about the cookie you'll get if you review. And for those of you that have... tell them how amazing the cookies are.


Akiko (The Mistress Of Flying Spork Projectiles)