(Author's Note: I have been working on this for a while and I know that idea may have already been used, but I'm over it. I really like where this story is going, but I'm totally sure if I'll keep going with it. I figured I would put up the first chapter just to see if anyone like it. So let me know what you think.
To let everyone know now... when I started this story months ago I didn't know how the ending was going to go. To put it simply... THERE WILL BE A CHARACTER DEATH...)
Disclaimer: I never understood this. I mean if it's on fanfiction then obviously you didn't come up with the character since it's a fanfiction, but I'll humor people. I don't own RENT
Will I Wake Tomorrow?
Chapter One: The Breakdown
Every night in the loft stayed about the same with a few nights that Roger would be out late as he tried to clear his mind. This night, however, wasn't the same at all the other ones. It was quiet on the street below, when it was usually filled with shouts from taxi drivers and screams from people walking the street. Tonight it seemed at as though everyone was at home, or whatever a home to them might be. There were no cars out driving on the street and everything was silent. Even the people on all the other floors were silent as well. It was defiantly a strange night.
Inside the loft it was also weird. There wasn't any talking going on between the two inhabitants, they were silent. The only noise was that of Roger. He was sitting on the couch playing guitar. He wasn't really trying to play anything he was just strumming in hopes of bringing some comfort to the silent room. Mark, on the other hand, was sitting on the window ledge. He had his knees pulled up to his chest and he was holding his camera in his hands. He kept turning it over and over like he was waiting for it to do tricks or start tap dancing. Mark gave up contemplating over the camera and let it roll out of his hands and come to rest on the other side of the window ledge.
Roger noticed how distant Mark was acting tonight. Mark was usually trying to get Roger to talk about anything and everything, but tonight he sat quietly on the window ledge and watched the street below. Roger wasn't sure what Mark was looking at seeing as there was no movement on the street this night.
Roger sighed and set his guitar down next to the couch. He stood up and stretched before turning to look at Mark. Roger yawned before he spoke. "Going to bed soon?" Roger asked. Mark didn't move from his spot. He just simply shook his head no and kept looking out the window. Roger wasn't sure what to make of Mark's distant and strange behavior, but he just shrugged it off. "Well, I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning." Roger said before heading to his room.
Mark waited until he heard Roger's door close, at least he thought he heard it shut all the way, but no one could be sure with the squeak of the hinges making so much noise. Mark sighed as he began to hum to himself. He was waiting to finally be alone so he could think to himself without the fear of Roger hearing him and possibly asking questions. Without really knowing it Mark began to quietly sing to himself.
"Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow,
From this nightmare?"
He was never really sure himself why he had started singing that song at the Life Support meeting all those long months ago, but it really fit his life right now. Mark pulled his knees closer to his chest and laid his head on his knees. Tears began to fill Mark's eyes and he didn't even bother to stop them from falling. Roger was in his room, more than likely asleep, so Mark didn't care anymore. He was alone in more than one way and was able to cry to himself. He didn't care about anything right now, for he figured no one care for him. He was just there to hold people and things together. There wasn't really a point to him; at least he thought there wasn't.
Roger had closed his door and walked across his room to his bed. He pulled his shirt off over his head and then threw his pants onto the floor as well. Roger moved the blanket on his bed so he was able to crawl in to sleep when he suddenly stopped. The sound of humming had drifted to his ears. He had to be hearing things. Roger was the only one around the loft who would hum, or sing for that matter, and he was quite sure he wasn't sing at that moment.
Roger got up from his bed and walked to the door. The door had never closed all the way and through the crack in the door he saw Mark sitting on the window ledge quietly singing to himself. Mark was singing the song from the Life Support meeting. The first meeting Roger had gone to. Roger had always wondered why Mark was singing then, but Mark didn't sing anymore. Mark wasn't as happy he once was and Roger couldn't figure it out. He had always wanted to ask what had made Mark so unhappy as of late, but he never got around to prying into Mark's life.
Roger watched as Mark pulled his knees closer and began to cry. Roger wasn't sure if he was seeing things, but it was confirmed that Mark was crying when the sound of sobs came from that general direction. Roger knew this wasn't a normal way for Mark to act. Mark hadn't cried since Mimi died almost six months ago. He never cried unless it was for some big reason, so this was something that had to be tearing Mark apart on the inside.
Roger took a deep breath before opening his door up, hoping it wouldn't squeak (which it didn't for once in the entire time that they had been living there), and walked over to Mark. The floor was cooler than the floor in his room and it took his feet a moment to adjust to the temperature change. Roger made his way over way over to the crying room mate of his. Mark hadn't noticed Roger walk over to him but he did notice when a hand was placed on his shoulder. Mark didn't care anymore if Roger seen him crying or not, he didn't really care about anything anymore.
The hand on Mark's shoulder gave a reassuring squeeze before being removed. Mark still didn't look up but he felt as Roger sat down in front of him. Roger looked at his best friend and room mate. Mark was shaking from his tears and Roger realized how Mark must have felt when Roger was going through his withdrawal and depressions. Roger placed another hand on Mark's shoulder. Mark didn't give any response to Roger's touch. After a while Roger was about to get up and head to his room when Mark reached up and grabbed onto Roger's hand.
Mark grabbed into Roger's hand tightly and didn't let it go. Roger took his other hand and wrapped it around Mark's small body to pull him into the best hug that he could since he only had one arm to do so with. Mark let go of Roger's hand and wrapped his arms around Roger's neck and cried into his best friend's chest. Roger wrapped both arms around Mark's waist and pulled him into a tight hug. Mark's hands clung to Roger's bare skin as Roger rocked Mark back and forth while telling Mark that everything would be okay. Roger ran one of his hands through Mark's hair just like Mark had always done to Roger when he was having an extremely hard time getting through his withdrawal.
"Mark, are you alright?" Roger asked as Mark continued to sob into Roger's chest. Mark didn't reply he just kept hugging and crying to Roger. Roger stood up and picked up Mark. Roger had known that Mark was lighter than him, but he never realized how much so until just now. He shrugged it off for now; he would deal with Mark and his weight later, but right now was not the time. Roger carried Mark to his room and then set Mark down in this own bed. Mark didn't want to let Roger go, but eventually gave up trying to hold on and let go. Tears were still falling down Mark's face, but he wasn't trying to hold them back. He allowed the warm tears to fall down his face.
"Shhh, go to sleep now Mark, You'll feel better in the morning." Roger said as he wiped the tears away from Mark's face. He had never seen Mark act this way before and he wasn't a hundred percent sure as to what he should be doing. Roger took his hand and ran it through Mark's hair. It had always calmed him down when he was crying and hoped it would do the same to Mark. Mark did calm down a bit and Roger figured this would be a good time to leave Mark to sleep. He stood up and went to leave Mark's room so he could return to his own room and sleep, but before Roger even made one step away from Mark's bed, Mark grabbed Roger's wrist and held onto it. Roger stopped and looked at his best friend. He looked into Mark's eyes, which were red from crying, and saw Mark pleading with him.
"Please don't leave me." Mark said as another tear fell down his cheek. Roger looked at Mark with a sad smile before returning to Mark's side.
"I won't. I'm right here. I'm not going to leave you." Roger said as he held onto Mark's hand. He knew Mark wasn't being his typical self, but Roger didn't care. Mark needed him right now and Roger wasn't going to leave Mark in this state.
"Roger, will you stay with me tonight?" Mark asked as he grabbed a tighter grip on Roger's hand. Roger smiled and held onto Mark's hand.
"Sure" Roger said before crawling into the bed next to his best friend. This wasn't something Roger would normal do, but then again Mark did anything it took to help Roger get through his depression and wouldn't ask questions about what Roger needed. Roger lay down next to Mark and pulled him close. Mark wrapped his arms around Roger's waist and laid his head on Roger's chest. Roger wrapped his arms around Mark's small figure and held him close. Mark was freezing even thought it was late May and fairly warm outside. Roger held Mark closer to his own body to try and give some heat to Mark. Before long both boys had drifted off to sleep wrapped in each other's arms.
Morning came and Roger was the first to awaken. Sunlight was coming in through the open door to Mark's room and it took Roger a moment to realize where he was. He remembered and looked down at his sleeping room mate. Mark was still asleep and had his arms wrapped tightly around Roger's waist. Roger still held onto Mark with one arm and ran his other hand through Mark's hair. Mark let out a slight moan and moved slightly to adjust his head on Roger's chest.
Roger smiled at how childish Mark looked as he slept curled up in Roger's arms. Roger knew something was wrong with Mark that had made him break down and sob uncontrollably last night. Roger kept playing with Mark's hair in hopes of waking Mark up. Mark moaned again and yawed. This time his eyes opened and he moved his head to look up at Roger.
"Rog?" Mark asked still half a sleep and not sure he remembered what had happened last night to make it so he was waking up next to Roger.
"I'm here Mark." Roger said as he still played with Mark's hair to reassure him. "Are you feeling any better this morning?"
"Yeah I gue-" Mark said but then stopped. His eyes widened and he let go of Roger. Suddenly he jumped up out of bed. He looked at Roger with his already wide eyes and went even paler then he already was. "Oh god." Mark said. Roger was completely shocked and he too was confused as to what was going on. Mark had run from the room before Roger's brain realized where he had gone.
Roger was out of bed and running after Mark before he could get very far. Mark had taken off out of the door and was already down one flight of stairs before Roger had caught up to him. Roger grabbed onto Mark's arm and pulled him back. They both ended up falling backwards and landing on the stairs behind them. Mark did his best to struggle out of Roger's grip, but Roger was always bigger and stronger then Mark. Mark gave up the fight and just sat there trying to hold back tears. He refused to look at Roger.
"Mark, what the hell is wrong with you? Last night you are sobbing uncontrollably telling me not to leave you and this morning you jump out of bed and run away. What is going on?" Roger said as he turned Mark to look at him. He could see the tears start to form in Mark's ice blue eyes and threaten to fall. Mark avoided all eye contact that he could with Roger and just sat there silent. Roger pulled Mark into a hug and helped him up. "Come on; let's go back to the loft and talk. You always made me talk to you, so now I'm making you talk to me." Roger said as helped Mark up.
The two made their way back to the loft. Roger let go of Mark and closed the door behind them. Mark moved over to the couch as Roger closed the door. He waited for Roger to start yelling at him, but it never came. Roger just sat down on the other end of the couch and looked at Mark. They sat in silence for a while since no words were exchanged between them. Roger looked at Mark and knows whatever is bothering him can't be that good. "Mark?" Roger asks in a very caring tone, a tone that Mark has never heard Roger speak before. Mark was more taken aback by this tone and wished that Roger would just yell at him. He knew how to deal with Roger yelling, but not this. Mark was scared shitless by this type of Roger. Mark realized that Roger was looking at him waiting for an answer. Mark just wanted to get out of there quickly.
"It's nothing Roger. I'm fine." Yeah fine. He always said he was fine, but inside he's dying. He's dying in more ways than one and no one notices. He doesn't want to wake up one day to no one being there. He knows he's alone, he's always alone. He's always been alone and he'll always be alone. He'll be alone the day he dies, and every day before that. He's alone now, even with Roger only a foot away he's still alone.
"You're not fine." Roger said breaking his thought process. Mark pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head on his knees. Mark looked at him with the most unreadable expression on his face. Roger saw that Mark was lost in his own world. Mark replayed Roger's words in his head. 'You're not fine.' Roger was right. He wasn't fine, but Mark wasn't going to add more worry to Roger's already short life.
"I'm fine Roger. I really am. There is nothing wrong with me. I just had one of those thoughts again." Mark said trying to get Roger to leave him alone. It was true he was thinking about Roger's death and how Mark couldn't keep the promise he had made to Roger years ago.
"Which one?" Roger asked. There were many, but there was only one that made Mark break down into tears and not want Roger to leave him. It had never been this bad before so it had to be more than just the thought: The thought of Roger's death.
"The one it always is." Mark said and Roger sighed at his best friend. Roger reached out an placed a hand on Mark's shoulder.
"I'm not going to die anytime soon. I'm still here and thanks to you and all your caring for me I'm going to be here for years to come. I'm not going to leave you." Roger said. He noticed a single tear fall down Mark's cheek.
"It's more than just that. It's something I can't explain, and I don't know how to even if I could explain it. Just know that I'm fine. I just have to work things out in my head." Mark said. He hoped this was convincing enough for Roger. Sadly he was mistaken.
"You never were good at hiding things from me." Roger said with a smile. Mark just wanted to scream at him 'You wanna know what's wrong? I'm dying! Are you happy now?' but he couldn't bring himself to tell Roger that he was dying and he would die before Roger's day came.
"I'm fine Roger, don't worry." Mark said as tried to stand up and get away from Roger. Roger quickly grabbed him and pulled him back onto the couch.
"You're not. Talk to me. Tell me. You always made me tell you things and now it's my turn to make you talk. What's wrong?" Roger asked. Mark sighed he knew it was now or never to tell Roger the truth. Roger would probably hate him, but he was fine with that. Life was to short and his was going to be even shorter than Roger's life.
Mark sighed before turning to look at Roger. Roger saw tears formed in Mark's eyes and knew this was about more than his own death. Mark looked Roger in the eye before getting up enough courage to say something. He took a deep breath as a tear slid down his cheek and then said what was tearing him up inside.
"Roger, I'm dying."
Author's note: So what do you think? I'm courious to know what other people think of my story.