Title: Boys Will Be Boys
Rating: M for underage drinking, suggestive themes, crude language, and horny young men.
Summary: Richard had feared this subject would arise at some point during the course of the night. After all, the ladies of both teams were having a girl's night out, and the male Titans had been left to their own devices. And that meant beer.
AN: I… I… well hell. makes hand-washing motions I lay all the blame for this at Raef's feet. He's a guy, and perpetually lascivious, after all. And ah, before you get up in arms and say anybody herein is OOC, I do beg to differ. They are GUYS. Young, hormone-ridden GUYS. Beer is an awesome novelty, and the world revolves around ass. If you're a girl, you've seen it enough in high school to know it's true. If you're a guy, be honest and admit it's true.
And to avoid confusion, Richard Robin, Roy Speedy, Wally Kid Flash, Victor Cyborg, Garth Aqualad, and Gar Beastboy.
Disclaimer: Oh my god, you've got to be kidding.
"So… who do you think's hotter? Starfire, Raven, or Bumble Bee?"
Richard dropped his face into his hands, expunging a combination groan-sigh. He'd hoped Roy would be discouraged enough to drop the subject when Gar'd quit the room after he first asked the question. BB was healing, but still a long way from being over Terra, and the raw wince that had cut across his face had brought silence to the room for several moments after his departure.
But he should have known better. Roy was as incorrigible as the grin on his face suggested.
Richard had feared this subject would arise at some point during the course of the night. After all, the ladies of both teams were having a girl's night out, and the male Titans had been left to their own devices. And with the addition of the Kid Flash, who'd been in the neighborhood—meaning three states away, which was nothing and a breeze to the fastest nineteen-year-old alive—that had meant video games, action flicks, and, of course, that staple item of all Guys' Nights—beer.
"Well, I'll admit Starfire's a babe, and Bee's hell on wings, but Raven… Raven's a stone cold fox." Wally grinned wide and spread his hands in the air, and Richard frowned with half of his mouth, wondering just what he was imagining there.
Vic snorted and cuffed the speedster across the back of the head playfully. "Watch yo' mouth. That's my baby girl you're talking about."
"Oh, drop the big brother act, Vic. No way you can act the saint when you've got such a hard on for Bee," Roy shot back.
Vic waved his large hand dismissively. "I ain't in love with her or anything. But that does not mean I can't appreciate the nicely rounded assets of a woman of color."
Roy nodded, leaning back further against the couch cushions. "I'll admit, Leader-Girl's got back," he raised his hands defensively when Vic shot him a look, "not that I'm doing anymore than appreciating the view. But if you're talkin' curves, I'm 'fraid I gotta go with Wally on this one." He raised his hands and bent them into cups, shaping an exaggerated figure eight in the air. "Raven's got ass, hips, and breasts."
Garth lifted a slim shoulder in a Gaelic shrug, tossing in his own opinion, which surprised Richard into raising his brows—the Atlantian was the quiet guy in the group, and not one Richard would've expected to share his opinion of their female teammates' physical attributes. "I don't know. I mean, personally, I kind of find Raven a little intimidating. Besides, breasts and ass isn't everything." He smiled a little slowly, a little slyly. "Maybe it's an Atlantian thing, but I actually kind of go more for Starfire's body type. Slim, tight, and just enough breast for a handful."
He mimed grabbing, and Richard choked back a chuckle, shaking his head as he realized there were three empty cans at the water-going Titan's feet. That certainly explained his unusual freedom of tongue.
Richard considered how long this particular conversation was likely to continue, stifled another long-suffering sigh, and took a long pull of his own perspiring can.
Wally grinned and ran a hand through his spiky red hair. "Well, at least the man knows what he likes." He eyed Garth critically a moment, and the Titan lady-killer raised a dark brow back at him defiantly. "But considering what I know about you, I guess it kinda figures you'd go for the runway model-type." He lifted his arms to rest his elbows along the back of the couch. "Personally, those girl's are a little too skinny. I like a little something to hold on to," he shifted a suggestive grin around the room, "if you know what I mean."
Roy groaned long and loud, like he was dying, and let his head drop back with a thump against the couch back. "Oh, man, don't I."
Garth looked down into his beer and snickered derisively, muttering, "Not lately."
"Hey!" A pillow flew with strong accuracy across the common room to smack the Atlantian in the face as laughter and jibing broke up around the circle. "It's not my fault I've been too busy to give the ladies my full and detailed attention."
"Oh, but I thought that was the line they fed you, Roy. Busy washin' their hair!"
Vic pitched his voice in a squeaky falsetto. "Ooh, not tonight, baby, I got a headache!"
"I knew they called you 'Speedy' for a reason, Roy, 'cause you sure as hell weren't beating me in a race!" Wally laughed. "Damn, premature ejaculation at your age, what a trage—"
"How bout I prematurely ejaculate you into space, huh, Jack-Be-Quick?" Roy interrupted, face turning the color of Wally's hair, and his scowl only half convincing.
"Aw, dawg, that was weak."
"And wrong. Very wrong."
Garth whapped Roy with the pillow he'd been beaned with earlier. "I always tried not to pay attention to the rumors about you, Roy, but with you obviously coming on to poor Wally like that, one begins to wonder—"
"Fish sandwich, Aqua-tard. Fish sandwich." The menace in Roy's narrowed gaze was clear, if the meaning of his words was rather the opposite.
To Garth, however, the significance must have been well known, for he blanched and scowled sourly. "Oh my god, that was one time, would you shut up about it?"
"Hey, you brought it on yourself. I never said that was chicken."
The other three watched in a confusion of amusement and bewilderment as this exchange occurred.
"How did we get from Roy's latent homosexuality to Garth and fish sandwiches?" Wally wondered loudly. He was too fast for the archer's hasty fist, and laughed at the weak retaliation attempt.
"So!" Roy waved his hands as if airing away the subject, turning sharp and glittering light blue eyes on Richard. "So, Dick," he opened, emphasizing Richard's nickname ominously, "you've been awfully quiet for a while. Who do you think's the hottest Titan chick?"
Richard hastily bolted the last of his beer. "I really don't see a point to this conversation."
"Uh huh." Roy's grin only widened, taking on a dangerous edge. "Of course you don't."
Suddenly, the Green Arrow's former apprentice received support from an unexpected quarter. "Aw, c'mon, Dick," Victor tossed him another cold beer, which Richard caught reflexively. "We're not askin' you you're damn feelings. This isn't a fuckin' slumber party, Boy Wonder."
"Yeah," Wally chipped in, "it's a simple question. Here, we'll even use terms you like. From a completely objective point of view, which of the girls is sexier than the others? Compare and contrast, then submit your response in essay format."
Richard was caught between a disbelieving stare and an incredulous, open-mouthed gape. They were actually asking him these things. And expecting him to answer.
He opened up his fresh beer and took a big swallow.
"C'mon, Dick, be a man. Pony up the answers." Roy waggled his eyebrows suggestively, practically leering. "You're an observant guy. With those tiny little outfits Star, Rae, and Bee go around in 24/7, I know you've noticed certain things." There was an open challenge in his expression now. "If you haven't, then it ain't my sexuality we oughta be questioning here."
Richard looked around at the waiting expressions, and found that even Garth grinned, his brows raised expectantly. Scoffing, and feeling a little fuzzy, he asked, "You guys aren't gonna let this go, are you?"
"Not a chance."
"Might as well give in, Blunder Boy."
"And none'a that 'nice personality' bullshit," Vic leveled a stern finger at him.
Richard sighed raggedly, amused and aggravated, and passed a hand over his face, defeated. "Alright, alright already. Geez, you three're almost as bad as the Batman, but at least he didn't get me liqueured-up first." He paused a moment, and still they waited. "Fine. Bumble Bee does, indeed, have a nice… rear view, and I've always appreciated a flat stomach, myself, but she's really just not my type. Star is, admittedly, gorgeous. Tall, legs that go on forever; slim, taught, and just a damn cute figure overall. She is definitely nice to look at."
"But?" Garth questioned, a little teasing and genuinely curious.
"But," Richard agreed, reluctantly, and took another long drink of beer, "I'm afraid I've gotta make it a general consensus about Raven. And it isn't just that she's curvy. She's cute, when you look at her right, in that adorable way some girls are. And other times, she's like this cold, untouchable beauty." He was surprised to see the attentive faces, the way they were drawn into his words. He couldn't help but grin and slow his voice to a drawl, lingering over the description and lowering his voice as if he were sharing a secret. "If you watch her, and she thinks nobody's paying attention, the way she moves, the things she does… she's erotic as hell. And knows it.
"You can tell, because when she walks around and thinks she's alone, her hips get this sway and swerve," he motioned with his hands, "as if she knows just how to move them to hurt a guy worst." He made an appreciative, rueful sound. "Sexiest damn thing in the world."
There was a moment of stunned silence, and Richard wondered vaguely if, when the alcohol wore off, he'd glow with shame and embarrassment for a week.
Wally broke the quiet with a sharp whistle, slapping his knee. "Hot damn! Listen to that! Robin the Boy Wonder's a bonafied sex fiend!"
"Geez, what a horndog!" Roy crowed.
"Someone's got it bad, alright," Garth shook his head pityingly, despite his grin.
Richard groaned. "Oh come off it, you guys're are way worse than me. All you ever think about is sex."
"Well, duh," Roy drawled. "As men, we're wired that way. However, we are equal opportunity perverts; we don't just lust after one sorceress, but after all fine female forms."
"Hey, watch who you're callin' a pervert, man." Vic intoned.
"Yeah, Roy, speak for yourself." Wally grinned wickedly. "We're not all deviants like you. I'm only equal opportunity so far as chicks go. Keep your sexual ambiguity to yourself."
And, small wonder, the conversation only degenerated from there. Not that Richard expected anything else.
After all, boys will be boys.
AN: Um, yup. That was it. Weird and stupid, huh? Yeah, yeah, I know. The inspiration, I'm afraid, was too much Panic! at the Disco, and too many overheard conversations between my male coworkers.
And I really didn't mean to just utterly write out BB like that. I love the little green turd, but I just couldn't write him having this conversation, though I'm not entirely certain why. I mean, I can more easily picture Cy participating in this little debate than BB. So, I promise, it wasn't out of discrimination, I swear.
And oh, yeah, duh. Feeling some Rae/Rob vibes emanating from the above text? It's not your imagination. If that's not what you care for, go away, shoo. You people should know what my couple of choice is by now.
Oddly enough, an idea like this has been evolving (like a mutant nasty) in my brain for a while now. All I knew was I wanted a conversation, begun by Speedy, between the male Titans about what they thought was hot about the girls. And then I had my Panic! playlist on repeat, and it was after midnight, and I should have been sleeping, and…. And… This happened.
I really do hope you can forgive me.
Well, my time's almost up, and it's been a hellish blur of a weekend. Talk at ya later, folks.
PS: Sylvan, Mirrors, if you guys're reading this, I have two words for you. Fish. Sandwich.