The Ninja of the Night and The Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels
Book 1: Fluff
Disclaimer: I realize that most of my readers are rabid yaoi fans, and I'm fine with that. I didn't write this to insult anybody. It's just, we all know that our favorite little shinobi probably aren't too fond of us fanfiction writers... I guess what I'm really trying to say is, "it's all in good fun."
"Whoa... Sensei's way later than he usually is, and that's saying something," Naruto informed his comrade Sasuke, who was trying to beat the third temple of his Zelda game and didn't need the distraction. "Hey, Sasuke, Sensei's really late."
"I know, I heard you the first time," the serious youth growled into his GameBoy.
"Kinda weird Sakura-chan isn't here yet, either. She's usually on time... isn't it weird that Sakura isn't here yet? Huh, isn't it? Isn't it?"
Sasuke began frantically pressing 'B', but the game made a little noise of death. "Yes, Naruto. It is weird that Sakura has not shown up yet. Kakashi-Sensei is much later than usual. Once again, your powers of observation astound all."
"You don't need to snap at me just because you suck at that stupid game. I've beaten that, like, a jillion times. I can't believe you're only on the third level."
His eyes twitching, Sasuke got to his feet and pocketed his game. "I've had enough of this. I'm going to go find Sensei. I can't handle you without a responsible adult around."
"Ooh. Can I come too?"
"Well, you're going to come no matter what I say, so sure."
The two boys paused outside their teacher's door.
"Sasuke... it sounds like he has a woman in there... There's something I never thought I'd have to say."
Sasuke gulped. "I'm all for going back home."
"Oh, come on, Sasuke! Now's our chance to burst down the door and scare the tar out of him for standing us up like that!"
"Naruto, you idiot, think about this. We don't want to see what's behind that—,"
"HEYAH!" But, it was, of course, too late. Little Naruto had kicked in the door and got ready to see the look on Kakashi's face... But it turns out Sasuke was right... they didn't want to know what was going on behind that door.
"Oh, Sensei, I love you so much," sighed the lovely ninja maiden, (you guessed it)
"Sakura?"shuddered Naruto and Sasuke simultaneously from the doorway, where they were frozen solid by horror.
Sakura and Kakashi woke up from their trance and turned to face the peeping toms. "AAAAH!"
The older man laughed awkwardly from behind his headband/face cover "Ha... ha... um... There's a good explanation for this, boys. We... um..." And suddenly, POOF! Kakashi used his neato ninja skills to vanish. Actually, he jumped out the window and ran away.
"Sakura?" Naruto whispered again, aghast. Sasuke looked more than a little green. "What... what were you doing? That was... our teacher!"
"Oh," Sakura smiled carelessly. "I was just..." Her smile dropped away. "Oh, God. That was... I was just..." Waking up a little now, the girl brushed her fingers across her lips. "EW! I was making out with the teacher!"
Sasuke and Naruto winced.
"It was the author, I swear!" Sakura protested. "I couldn't do anything about it! Oh, crap... I've been screwing my teacher!"
"Sakura," Sasuke broke in, "I didn't need to know that."
But Sakura was lost in her own thoughts now. "Come to think of it, I haven't had my period for a while, either... oh no... what if...?"
"Ok, I REALLY didn't need to know that..." Sasuke shuddered.
Suddenly, Naruto re-joined the conversation. "This is the last straw! I'm used to perverted fanfiction writers! They've done some pretty dirty stuff to me. But this is it. I don't care if I get molested or raped or victimized. I'm used to it. I can deal. And nobody cares what happens to Sasuke, but... Sakura? No. She's a girl! It's not yaoi anymore, it's just wrong! We must take revenge! Come," Naruto jumped out the door, motioning to Sasuke as he did so. "We must Ninja in the Night!"
Sasuke wasn't so enthusiastic to take up the cause. "What do you mean, nobody cares what happens to me?"
"Now is not the time for idle chatter!" admonished Naruto, grabbing his colleague by the wrist and dragging him along. "We must destroy these hentai writers!"
"Um... don't mind me..." Sakura shouted after them. "I'll just sit here, shall I?" The two boys disappeared from sight, and she sighed. "Whatever. I'll just chill."
"Naruto, you don't even know where we're going," Sasuke panted after they had been leaping through the woods for over two hours. "Can't we just go home and find Sakura a good lawyer?"
"I do know where we're going! To the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels, in the Land of Hentai, to avenge Kakashi and Sakura, because he buys us alcohol and she's the only girl who will talk to us."
Glowering, Sasuke came to a halt, forcing Naruto to turn around and come back for him. "Look, it's very noble of you and all, but this whole thing is a waste of time. How exactly are we supposed to find the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels?"
"Oh, we'll just follow the signs."
"What signs?" Sasuke asked, gesturing around the landscape, then sitting down on a convenient log. "Admit it, you don't have a clue what you're doing, and I have better things to do than follow you on your wild goose chase."
"Better things?" scoffed Naruto, "Like help Link get beaten to a pulp?"
"Shut up, Naruto," growled the other boy, pulling out his hand held gaming device. "Don't you have some wrongs to go avenge or something?"
"Oh, that can wait," Naruto shrugged, completely missing the sarcasm as he sat down next to his comrade. "We should be getting close, and I need a breather anyway."
The two sat in relative silence for a while, buttons tapping and Sasuke swearing under his breath the only noise.
"Left! Left! No, don't—," Beep Beep Boop went the game. "Damn it! Stupid Link!" Bleep Bloop? "Yes, try again!"
Naruto scooted closer and peered over Sasuke's shoulder. "Do you want some help?"
"No. I just can't figure out how to get this damn key."
"Turn left when you get to the freaky statue thing... now push that block aside... down the stairs..."
And so, with Naruto's persistent and mildly annoying guidance, Sasuke managed to navigate his way to Ganon's little minion dungeon boss guy.
"And you can figure out how to kill that guy," whispered Naruto. Somehow, during the game, his voice had gotten much quieter, and he had lowered his head so his chin was resting on Sasuke's shoulder, their cheeks touching. "He's a pushover."
"Hey, thanks, Uzumaki," Sasuke whispered back, kissing his companion.
Beep Beep Boop! blipped the game as the Dungeon Boss smashed Link into a pancake. Naruto blinked and jumped about a foot away.
"Whoa! That was a close one!" he laughed, spitting a couple of times and wiping his lips off.
"What was that?" asked the severely-shaken Sasuke.
"That, my friend, was the first sign we have entered the Land of Hentai. The Order of Writer Ninjas have begun their first attacks on us." Naruto started to walk again. "Come on, we've still got a long ways to go. Be alert. It's only going to get harder to break the spell as we go on."
Resigned, Sasuke retrieved his GameBoy from the ground. "Aw, man. I forgot to save."
They continued walking for quite some time, until Sasuke, hearing something, held out his hand and stopped Naruto. "Shh... listen..."
Somewhere in the undergrowth, branches were snapping.
"Will you please take that frickin' creepy mask off?"
"It's for safety. Don't forget where we are. This mask makes it harder for you to kiss me. But if you really want me to take it off, Zabuza-sama,"
"No, no, never mind."
The shrubbery in front of Naruto and Sasuke parted to reveal two ninjas; a young boy with a truly spooky mask on, and an older guy with dark hair poking through his headband, cow print armbands, and a huge ax-type thing over one shoulder. Naruto and Sasuke's mouths dropped open.
"Zabuza and Haku?" they gasped in unison. "You're alive!.?"
"So it would seem," shrugged Zabuza.
"Hey, it's Naruto and Sasuke!" Haku exclaimed, recognizing them. "What are you doing here? Are you lost, too?"
"No. We're on our way to the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels, to avenge our friends!" cried Naruto. Sasuke rolled his eyes. Was his partner ever going to learn to keep a secret?
"Can we come too? Please?" pleaded Haku. "You're the first people we've seen in days."
"Sure! The more the merrier!" beamed Naruto, skipping up the path, humming 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road'. The rest shrugged and followed after him, Sasuke running a little faster to catch up before the other two.
"Naruto, have you lost your mind? You can't invite them along!"
"Why's that, Sasuke? You want to be alone with me?" teased his friend. "With them along, it's a lot less likely we'll slip into yaoi moments... I think that's a good thing." He glanced back at their new friends, only to find they had fallen behind... which makes sense, as they were busy holding hands and chatting a little too warmly.
"Zabuza! Haku!" Naruto snapped his fingers. "Stop that!"
Waking up immediately, the pair rushed to catch up with the two boys, careful to keep as much distance between themselves as possible.
"Eyes open, boys," Naruto told them sternly. "It will take two days to reach the village."
"And that means two nights," Sasuke grimly warned the company.
(In case you're wondering, the Ninja of the Night comes from an AMV of a Sifl and Ollie routine.)