The Ninja of the Night and the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels
Book 6: NO PAIRINGS
Earlier that day, Temari and Kankuro had done something that they knew they really shouldn't have. They lost track of Gaara. Bad enough in itself to completely lose your little brother in the middle of a town besieged by lemons, what was worse was that they had lost him because they let him wander off.
"It was probably a bad idea," Temari mused, in retrospect. "I mean, we know the kid is really vulnerable. He gets attacked practically every time he looks at someone sideways."
"Ok, ok, so I shouldn't have let him go buy ice cream on his own. Sue me," Kankuro snapped at her. The two Sand nins were discussing their problem with two-thirds of Team Asuma, who at the time had been looking for Ino. She, apparently, had been missing since the alert was sounded.
"Eh, he wouldn't have been any safer with you two," Chouji shrugged. "These people love incest. You should see what the Hyuugas are going through. Pretty kinky."
"Actually, I don't think we've ever been hit with an Incest," Kankuro said.
"Really?" Shikamaru asked.
"Yeah," nodded Temari. "They usually leave us alone... although Gaara has been through some pretty rough stuff. That's why we're worried, you see."
A rather perverse grin curled on Shikamaru's lips. "Hey, do you want help looking for him?"
"Oh, you wouldn't mind, would you?" simpered Temari. "I'm so worried, and I don't feel safe out here with all the Lemons,"
Kankuro shot a disgusted/puzzled look at his sister. Temari... simpering? Asking for help? Worried about Gaara? Scared? Something was wrong here, but before he could decided just what it was, Shikamaru and Temari had set off to find a sleazy hotel.
"We probably should have woken them up," Chouji said, looking over at Kankuro. "Hey, do you want to--?"
"Yeah. Let's go."
But, back to the present;
Itachi shot out of Orichimaru's lair like a human cannonball; straight into the arms of his long-time companion, Kisame.
"Hey there, sugar," the blue-skinned man laughed, holding the quivering molestee. "We've been looking all over for you. Did you find your brother?"
Itachi shook his head, looking haunted.
Kisame laughed. "But you found someone else, huh? Have you been under attack all this time? Most of the other spells were broken a couple hours ago. Guess you just got hit hard. Oh, gross, has someone been licking you? You're all... sticky."
It took Naruto, Sasuke, Haku, and Zabuza a good deal less time to get back to Konoha than it did to get to LemonPeel. In fact, by the evening of the morning they had defeated the HentaiKage, they were at the pearly... er, wooden gates.
They opened, not to let the Heros in, but to let out Itachi, who was holding himself stiffly, like he was covered in something disgusting and didn't want to touch it, and twitching compulsively.
Naruto, Zabuza, and Haku jumped to hold Sasuke back, and it took all three of them to restrain him.
"YOU!" the preteen avenger shrieked.
Itachi, twitching like a madman, turned. "Sasuke? What are you doing out here?"
"What are you doing in there?"
"I was... I was... I was trying to do something noble and redeeming by protecting you, brother!" Things began to process in Itachi's brain. "And you were safe and sound out here the whole time! So ... all of it... all the inappropriate touching... it was pointless!"
With a violent jerk, Sasuke freed himself, launching towards his brother. "Nii-san!"
Naruto, Zabuza, and Haku winced as the two Uchihas collided... but when they opened their eyes, they saw, rather than Sasuke lying in a pool of his own blood, defeated by his own hotheadedness, the brothers embracing.
"Uh... Sasuke? Wake up?" Naruto suggested quietly.
"It doesn't look like a full-scale lemon," Zabuza, who by this point was an expert, said knowledgeably.
"The HentaiKage's notebook had plans for a siege of Konoha in it," said Haku. "It looks like they've retreated, but this could be an after effect of all those attacks in one place. It should wear off on its own."
Itachi finally released his little brother, ruffling his hair fondly. "Take care of yourself, ok, Sasuke-chan?"
He walked off, and Naruto felt it was safe to interrupt. "You done, Sasuke? Can we get back home now?"
Sasuke nodded. "Yeah. Sorry about that. I got hit with a little angst."
Naruto and Sasuke turned to face Zabuza and Haku. "Well, I guess this is where we say goodbye," Zabuza shrugged.
"You guys would be welcome in Konoha," said Naruto.
"Actually, probably not," Sasuke said. "I think Sakura and Kakashi would have heart attacks."
"Yeah, Sasuke's right..." Naruto agreed. "But it's good to see you!"
"Who knows, maybe we'll meet again someday," Haku smiled, just as a huge ruckus went up inside Konoha. "Looks like they've spotted you from the walls. We'd better go. After what you two have done, I'm sure there'll be a Welcoming Committee out here in no time."
The two of them walked off, and not a moment too soon, for, as Haku had predicted, a Welcoming Committee of overly-excited Kunoichi rushed them.
"Try to restrain yourselves, girls," Sasuke started suavely. "I know I'm dead sexy, but,"
They ignored him and group-glomped Naruto, babbling about how cool he was, saving the village and all, and was it true that he had defeated the HentaiKage single-handedly? Sasuke tried to re-inflate his ego by reminding himself that this was probably another after-effect of the siege.
Watching hidden from a safe distance away, Zabuza and Haku laughed quietly at Sasuke's hurt expression and Naruto's wide-eyed stare, then began their journey.
"Zabuza-sama, where will we go?" Haku asked.
Zabuza thought about it, putting an arm around the boy's shoulders. "We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe!"
Naruto and Sasuke were honored for their contribution to the overthrow of the HentaiKage, of course, but they soon found that they were not the only heros of the hour. A celebration was already in progress, and at the heart of it...
"Ok, ok, stop," Naruto said to Sakura as she led them to the seats of honor. "I understand why you, Kakashi, Hinata, and Neji get seats, since you were the first to discover the attack and helped all those people... but why Chouji and puppet kid?"
"Kankuro," Kankuro corrected.
"Whatever," Naruto shrugged.
"We totally defeated the Lemon army!" Chouji explained between mouthfuls of some Village-wide-celebration food.
"Both of us are completely immune to Lemon attacks," Kankuro elaborated proudly, "so while the blond chick and Gaara were missing, and Temari was off screwing that kid with the pineapple-shaped head, we went out there and beat the crap out of them. Guess they're too busy writing to practice hand-to-hand."
"Even the Mary-Sues didn't know what to do with us," Chouji added. "And none of them could think up a plot line for ChoKan fast enough to put it into action!"
"We're still trying to decide if it's because the two of them are really awesome," Temari said, jumping into the conversation,
"Or really lame," Shikamaru finished. Naruto and Sasuke did a double take. Somewhere along the line, the pair had traded clothes with each other.
"We had to get dressed in a hurry," Temari explained coldly, seeing where they were looking.
"Don't ask." Shikamaru advised.
Rock Lee and Ino joined the table. "Hi, Sasuke. I missed you today at the bathhouse..."
"Ino, get off me."
Lee smiled brightly. "Sakura, do you want to dance?"
Sakura's face lit up. "Lee, I thought you'd never ask!"
The rest watched her uncomfortably, suddenly paranoid. Even Lee looked surprised.
Sakura stuck her tongue out. "Just joking. Stay away from me, freak!"
Everyone burst into laughter, glad things were back to normal.
"Oh, hey, Eyebrow... er, Lee!" Kankuro snapped his fingers, "What happened to Gaara?"
Lee looked at him oddly. "I haven't seen him since this morning."
"But... wasn't he with you?"
Zabuza and Haku walked on through the night, talking about this and that, glad to be back on solid ground, where they could walk a few feet without groping one another.
"It's good to be OOF!" Haku hit the ground as a short, red-headed, angry looking boy and an oversized gourd fell out of a tree and landed on him.
"Sorry," the Tree-Bourne Desert Kid apologized. "I barely got away from Lee when a Mary Sue grabbed me and dragged me out here. I just woke up... Where's Konoha?"
"Back that way," Zabuza pointed.
"We're going off to open up a restaurant in Santa Fe," Haku told him. "D'you want to come?"
The kid stared at him. "Santa Fe?"
"It's a little suburb of Sunagakure."
"Oh. Well, sure, then."
And thus began the Adventures of Zabuza, Haku, and Gaara.
But that is another story.
End Credits! (Don't feel you have to read these. Just skim through them some day when you're bored.)
Starring: (In Order of Cliche. Westernized for my convenience.)
The Intrepid Heros: Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, Zabuza Momichi, and Haku Smith
The Lemon Patrol (Holding the Homefront): Kakashi Hatake, Sakura Haruno, Hinata Hyuuga, and Neji Hyuuga
The Losers-Turned-Heros: Kankuro McSand, Chouji Akamichi
Writer Jonin: Ramen Boy, Amaya Takehiko, and Secret Agent OMG
The Villain: Hente I. Cahgay
The Victims of Lemonness: Everybody else
All Writers of Slash, Yaoi, Yuri, Impreg, Incest, Rape, Lemons, and Fluff
and to NekoRaven and Youkai-girl23, for finding them and bringing them to me.
Also, as always, to Cyrano and Bono. If anyone is worthy of being the next HentaiKage, it's you two.
Apologizes to Shippers of the Following Pairings (try to read this in one breath):
Kakashi X Sakura, Naruto X Sasuke, Zabuza X Haku, Naruto X Haku, Sasuke X Haku, Naruto X Zabuza, Sasuke X Za (you get the picture, don't you?)
Gaara X Lee, Shikamaru X Temari
Gai X Lee
Kakashi X Iruka
Chouji Pairings (Even though they don't exist)
Kankuro Pairings (Even though they don't exist)
SandSibcest (Even though it doesn't exist)
Gai X Kakashi
Orichimaru X Itachi
(Sound of Kallie's brain exploding)
Ok, enough of that. Let's start over.
Shippers of Anybody X Anybody Else
Anybody who read the credits this far.
Fans of Choji
Fans of Kankuro
Fans of Temari (haha! Get it? FANS? -cracks up-)
StarWars (Those of you who caught this, go find yourself a cookie)
My reviewers. You're wonderful people!
Sexy No Jutsu is copyrighted to Uzumaki Jutsu Lim.