Summary; What if...?

Spoilers; Season 5 but not really

Rating; PG

Pairing; none

Disclaimer; these characters belong to Mutant Enemy and Warner Brothers not to me and this is a non profit work

Distribution; as you like

Feedback ; more adult version of this under my name at adult fan fiction .net

Backwardsworld

"Thanks, it was nice of you to walk me" Andie smiled at this nice young couple. Everyone in Sunnydale was so damn friendly and open; it wasn't like the Creek at all. There everyone seemed to just sit around gazing at their navels waiting for death. She couldn't wait to invite Jack out here and show him around. Little sis had made one good choice for a university, murder capital of America be damned. .

"Think nothing of it" Willow returned her smile. God, she was lovely, Andie thought, she just seemed to radiate kindness. She liked leather too much and wore more eyeliner than Marilyn Manson but hey, each to their own.

"Yeah, our pleasure" concurred Xander, doing a little dance of joy. Andie grinned. She didn't think she'd ever met anyone as funny as him. He was also pretty handsome in a goofy kind of way. But she didn't think it was wise to fall into a relationship so soon after Pacey. No, she should give herself a little time. There was no hurry.

The car was huge and black, looking like something from American Graffiti. It struck Xander at about ninety miles an hour. He began to flip into the air but the sharpened wooden poles mounted on the bumper caught him and impaled him. Andie started to scream but she stopped mid-way as his body disintegrated before her very eyes. She stared at the scene with stupefied, mute shock.

The car skidded to a halt and the occupants piled out. A pretty blond girl followed by an equally blond man emerging from the driving seat led them. The third person was hardly a person at all, a massive hulking brute who looked barely human, part robot, part god-knew-what.

She felt a vice like grip seize her from behind. She couldn't believe it; Willow was using her as a human shield! She could see her face in the corner of her eye, contorted and almost deformed. She looked as though she was about to bite her!

"Back off Slayer!" she shouted to the blonde girl. The Terminator reject threw a canister of liquid over them. Willow reeled away, shrieking in pain, her skin burning. Andie instinctively recoiled but realised that the liquid wasn't hurting her at all. In fact it tasted pretty much like water.

The blonde girl threw something at Willow, striking her directly in the left side of the chest. The girl crumbled to dust just as Xander had done, a short, sharpened wooden stick falling onto the ashes where the girl retrieved it. They all stood around, looking at her, thinking of something to say.

"Give you a lift home, miss?" offered the blonde man, gallantly. He sounded English, she thought.

"Yes" she replied vacantly. "I've got a lot of packing to do".

"Willow's dead" wept Tara.

"Oh shut up!" snapped Buffy. She seized Tara by the hair and began to absently bang her head off the table like a basketball. "Lackeys!" she roared.

"Yes, your blondness" simpered Giles, "May I just say, you look especially radiant today".

"In truth, I swear your beauty grows more efulgent with each passing moon" Wesley added.

"Don't you think I know? Just because I can't see my reflection anymore doesn't mean that I don't know how gorgeous I am"

"So we shouldn't remind you from now on?"

"I didn't say that" she stared at Wesley "Why are you walking funny?"

He looked uncomfortable in more than one way. "Ah, these leather trousers, they chafe a little"

She rolled her eyes "You're a vampire you moron, you wear leather, it's de rigeur. Now, who went out on the hunt tonight?"

"Ahem" Giles motioned towards Tara who was by now bleeding from the ears due to Buffy's continued slamming. She let her go and sent her flying across the room with a single heave of the hand. She crumpled into a heap in the corner of the old factory, whimpering slightly. "That'll give her something real to cry about" decided Buffy. She sighed, "Anything in the larder?"

"Well, your pertness, there is a cheerleader but Mistress Dawn..."

"DAWN!" Buffy screamed.

"She's mine" Dawn entered dragging the now semi-conscious girl. "She's all mine and you can't have her, I haven't had any for ages and you always get the best of everything! It's not fair! It's not!"

"Yeah, yeah, go tell mom" Buffy studied her fingernails in a disinterested manner.

"You bitch!" declared Dawn and stormed off leaving her meal slumped on the floor. Giles inspected her still bloody wounds with obvious craving.

"Easy Gilesy" cautioned Buffy, "Don't drain her entirely, we need to recruit".

"It's 'Ripper' your perfumed goddessness and I won't"

"Ripper? Nah, doesn't suit you. How long since I staked mom, anyway?"

Giles looked shocked. "It was only last week your full-lippedness. It's probably still fresh in Mistress' Dawn's mind"

"Last week, huh?" remarked Buffy, surprised. "Must have really hit a nerve then, huh?"

Giles nodded, pumping the cheerleaders' neck and emptying the blood into a china teacup.

"Good!" declared Buffy. "Maybe I'll kill Dawn too. Or maybe just let her live and suffer. Now lick my boots!"

"Oh may I your winsome goodlookedness?" Wesley pleaded.

"I'm hearing too much talking and not enough licking"

Wes fell to his knees and began licking her spiked leather thigh boots. She held out her hand and Giles provided her with a fresh cup of blood. He turned to go back to the cheerleader who had now blessedly passed out.

"Oh Gilesy".

"Yes your scrumptiousness?"

"I have another boot that needs licking"

He fell to his knees and repeated Wesley's actions.

"Oh yeah boys" vampBuffy purred, "That's the stuff!

"Well now, how did this evening go?" Mayor Wilkins beamed like a man welcoming back his racehorse from winning the derby.

"Score two more for the good guys" Darla declared triumphantly, plopping herself down on the Mayors' swivel chair. He frowned a little but decided to let it go. As long as she didn't put her feet up on the desk again. The very thought gave him shivers but he didn't show it. "That's my Slayer. Low cal breath mint" he offered the plate. Darla accepted one but Adam declined.

"I don't eat" he declared simply. They really would have to work on his social skills, Wilkins decided. Perhaps elocution lessons?

"Saved this little girl from out of town, just arrived yesterday. Told you staking out the bus terminal was a winner" Darla continued, smiling at her own pun.

Wilkins smiled too, but for different reasons. He loved his town's people, his people as he always thought of them, each a member of his own family. Each death struck him like a blow to the heart, each life saved like some wonderful present waiting to be unwrapped.

"Ah, your honour, unfortunately in the course of the evening I got another ticket..."

The Mayor sighed. "William, I sympathise and I know your love of your automobile but for me to use my position to try to quash legally appointed fines would be a terrible abuse of power and a dreadful example to the young people of this town".

William nodded resignedly and crossed to Drusilla who was coiled up on the couch, basking in the morning sunlight that gently caressed her, reflecting off the silver cross around her neck, an exact copy of the one he wore. Miss Kitty curled in her lap, purring softly whilst Miss Edith rested beside her head. She stirred as he neared her, her face breaking into a dazzling smile at the sight of him.

"I dreamt of pelicans, riding bicycles through the snowdrifts. But their hats are too large and shoes too small"

He smiled and stroked her hair with affection. Miss Kitty meowed her jealousy so he petted her too.

"My dearest light, I do declare, whose beauty is so fine and rare, I love thee more and more each day, my love as large as San Francisco Bay"

"CHRIST!" thought Darla. The Mayor looked pained and even Adam winced a little. Time for a change of subject before he got any more inspiration.

"We're still not strong enough to take on Buffy. If that bloodsucker decides to challenge us directly then we're in big trouble".

Adam concurred. "All variables indicate that an encounter with the head parasite would result in one or more fatalities amongst our group"

"We're safe here, right?" William looked concerned and held Drusilla closely. "I mean no vampire could enter here when we're away and..."

"Don't worry William" the Mayor reassured him. "My shaman assure me no vampire could ever set foot in this office and as I'm sure you're aware, I'm rather choosy as to whom I invite in. As for the other I've been considering this and I think I've found a solution". He keyed the intercom on his desk. "Alan, would you ask our guest to come in please"

In all her life Darla had never seen anything so lovely, not even the sunrise after a heavy night of slaying. The woman seemed to just radiate divinity from every pore, her presence seeming to light up the very room. She smiled in greeting, her grin actually brighter than her shock of violently red hair. In that smile was all the peace and serenity in the world.

"Hello everybody" she said. "I'm Glory".