WARNING: This is yet another crack-fic. I don't own anything in it, and if you get hurt reading this fic, it's not my fault! If you haven't read "Sora and the Big Bad Wolf" you should read that one first.
Once upon a time-
"Aw geez! Aloria, not another one please?" Sora begged, looking up at the sky.
Yes another one. I'm giving you another chance. If you argue with me in THIS Crack-fic, I'm gonna be even worse to you than I was before!
Riku, walking up just in time to hear that comment, sniggered.
Casting a glare at his silver-haired friend, not only because with Riku in town Sora was bumped to number two on the list of hottest Bishonen on Destiny Islands, but also because Riku was reminding Sora of that incident in the LAST fic which had ended with Sora getting eaten. Lifting his hands, Sora pulled his lips into a charming smile and replied to the Authoress in the sky, "Okay, okay, Aloria. I'll behave!"
Good! Now... where was I hmm...
Turning towards Riku, Sora loomed at him, jabbing a finger at his friend's nose, "Don't think I've forgotten what you did to me, either! I'll get you back!"
"Don't go taking out your frustrated sexual urges on me. I don't swing that way," Riku snorted.
Narrowing his eyes in the best scowl Sora's cute little face could manage, the brunet replied lamely, "Yeah, sure you don't!"
Oh, here we go! Once upon a time there were three little pigs and their names were Sora, Riku and Roxas-
"WOAH!" Roxas shouted, stalking onto the scene, "No one asked MY permission to be included in this insanity!"
"How was the honeymoon?" Riku teased, smirking.
Spinning to look at Riku, Roxas flushed pink, "I was NOT on a honeymoon! Axel kidnapped me!"
"And took you to Vegas for two weeks. Look, Roxas, we all know you two have the hots for each other," Riku said reasonably, spreading his hands in a shrug and smirked.
Looking towards his Nobody, Sora frowned, "Let's jump him," he suggested.
From the clear sky, a bolt of lightning hit the ground between the three of them, making the boys leap back and stare down at the smoking hole.
Alright now. That's enough of that. Roxas. You're in this fic whether you like it or not. Just ask SORA what happens when you complain too much.
Blushing, Sora folded his arms on his chest and turned his back on them, trying to hide the bright pink shade his face had turned, bottom lip stuck out in a pout.
Okay, so where was I AGAIN?
"Their names were Sora, Riku and Roxas," Riku supplied helpfully with a cheerful smile.
Eyeing Riku, Roxas frowned, "I get the feeling you're enjoying this."
"You didn't get to see Kairi's Big Bad Wolf outfit. I heard her gossiping with Selphie about modifying it for something special later," Riku supplied.
Am I going to have to slap you boys?
Alright! ON with the fic!
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs, their names were Riku, Sora, and Roxas, and since there comes a time in every young man's life that he feels he has to build something spectacular, the three brothers decided to have a contest to see who could build the best house.
So, on an appointed day, the boys assembled on the beach of the island the children frequently played on to discuss the rules of the game.
Riku, being the oldest, stated, "Alright," he leaned forward, putting his hands on his hips, "We each have to do it separately, no outside help. We've got a full day to do this and no overtime! The Losers get the consequences, and the one who builds the house that can withstand The Challenge gets to share a Poupu fruit with Kairi or Namine. Or in your case, Roxas, Axel."
Flushing red, Roxas clenched a fist, "Hey! I am not dating Axel!"
"No, you're married to him," Riku agreed and slapped a hand on Roxas's head, knocking him off balance and into the sand face first.
Shoulders shaking, Sora tried not to laugh, but failed miserably in his efforts, incurring the blonde's wrath. "I'm gonna get you back, Sora," Roxas vowed, looking far more menacing than Sora was capable of looking. "And I'll do it when you least expect it."
Shaking his head, Riku grinned, "Alright. Let's get started then! Location is completely up to you, by the way!"
Sora rolled his eyes, "Whatever," turning, he started off across the sand, leaving his brothers to start work on their projects. As for Sora, well, he felt like taking a nap. Selecting a comfortable spot in the sand, the brunet flopped down into the sand and linked his hands behind his head, smirking as he closed his eyes.
Meanwhile, Roxas sighed, eyeing Sora for a long moment before turning to look where Riku had buggered off to. Alas, Riku was already out of sight, and Roxas was left to do his own planning and pick a location. "Well, I guess I'll just go ahead and claim my spot and gather materials. Not that I really want to win anyway..." Or so he said...
Eyes trailing back towards the sleeping Sora, Roxas's lips quirked in a sadistic smile. Actually, building could wait for a bit, there were more important things to do- like settling the score with an unsupportive Other. Er, Brother. For that matter, Roxas figured he needed to get Riku back as well, but Sora was within easy reach and quite deeply asleep.
First, though, Roxas needed some supplies.
So it was that the morning turned to noon, then afternoon, and Sora slept most of the day away, Roxas had spent at least four hours gathering his supplies for both his revenge on Sora and his house, but he at least had his house finished by sun-down.
"It's a lovely house," Axel stated, stepping out of a black portal onto the island Sora, Kairi, and Riku frequently watched the sunsets from. "Did you build it to be our love nest, Roxas?" draping an arm around the blonde's shoulders, Axel sneered.
Rolling his eyes, Roxas shoved the redhead's arm off and stepped away, "No. It's for a stupid fanfic Aloria's writing. Watch out, she might ...oh never mind, she just did write you into the fic."
Axel grinned and spread his hands, "What can I say? I wanted to see you again! So I bribed her!"
Hhmmm... Godiva chocolate. I love you Axel! Call me if you've got any more you need to get rid of?
"Right," Roxas muttered, "I'm keeping that in mind next time I want OUT of something."
Doesn't work that way, hon. My fees are much higher for getting OUT of something, not in.
Huffing a breath and stomping away from Axel, he flopped down on the ground, watching Sora frantically scramble around the beach, picking up deadwood and sticks. "What the hell is he doing?" Axel asked, coming to stand beside Roxas, folding his arms.
"Building a house, I think..."
"Looks more like a nest," Axel pointed out, "and not a particularly good one either."
Smirking, Roxas looked up at his friend, "Heey, Axel, could I talk you into assisting me with something?"
Worried at the tone of Roxas's voice, the redhead peered down at the boy, "Er, well, if it involves Aloria-"
"Not her! Sora!" Roxas denied, "I want to do something to Sora, but I'll need some help."
Lips curling into a grin once more, Axel easily counterfeited cheerfulness and replied, "Sure! What do you need me to do?" Lifting a hand, Roxas beckoned his friend down and when Axel crouched, the blonde leaned in to whisper his plan. Axel began to smirk as an evil glint appeared in his eyes.
Meanwhile, over on the beach...
Sora scowled, looking over to the island, finding his audience of two still sitting there, staring at him. Axel was crouched on his heels, arms resting on his knees, grinning like a demented loon and Roxas was quietly smirking in a way that gave Sora the willies. But still, even as the sun set, the brunet continued to work hard on setting up his sticks into a Teepee type shape, frequently knocking the mess over when he carelessly added a new stick.
Of course it figured that Roxas was already done. His house was built with actual boards nailed together on a frame with a nice little door and Sora bet his Heart-shaped ass that Axel had helped build it, even though Riku had said they had to do it on their own. "Where the heck is Riku anyway? I haven't seen him since this morning."
That would be because it's difficult to see ANYTHING through your eyelids.
"I WASN'T talking to you!" Sora shouted at the sky.
Hehee. You were putting your heart-shaped ass on the line in a bet, it caught my attention. I'll take odds against.
"Ha! Alright," Sora greed, "You're on!"
Wahahaha! Your ass is mine, Sora! Roxas built that thing all on his own. I didn't let Axel into the fic until AFTER he'd finished his project! Even though Axel whined like a dog at me for hours and I had to lock him outside in the rain till I finished my coffee and felt like listening to what he had to say.
Jaw dropping, Sora flailed his fists in the air and kicked sand, which knocked over his teepee of sticks once more. "AW!"
Really, Sora, you should know better than to take bets with an omniscient third person narrator.
"Aw, dude, you having trouble?" Axel asked as he stepped out of his black portal- why he bothered teleporting the short distance between where he'd been with Roxas to where Sora was, Sora didn't really know, and he didn't trust the fact that Axel had left the portal open too.
"No!" Sora shouted, pouting, "Go away!"
Spreading his hands, palms up, Axel grinned, "Aw, come on, I was only coming over to offer you some ice cream. I mean, it is rather hot out today."
Suspicious, Sora eyed Axel, then leaned to look past the redhead and the black portal to Roxas who was seated where Sora had last seen him. "What's the deal?" the brunet asked, looking back towards Axel again who tried his best to look innocent, but failed miserably. "What're you up to?"
Reaching into his sleeve, Axel pulled out a popsicle of sea-salt ice cream. "Nothing at all! Here, it's free."
Taking the ice cream, Sora watched as Axel stepped back into his portal and reappeared beside Roxas, crouching down beside the blonde again, smirking. Finally stuffing the ice cream into his mouth, Sora went back to arranging his sticks as the sun sank down out of sight in the west. Roxas and Axel, apparently growing tired of watching Sora, got up and headed into Roxas's house and shut the door.
"Sicko Yaoi freaks," Sora pouted.
You're just jealous.
"You don't know anything!" Sora shouted into the darkening night sky and sobbed as his house of sticks fell over again.
Sora, having had a late start, worked hard through the night, and come morning, was passed out in the sand in front of his house, which had finally stayed up, but that was possibly because of the ingenous application of duct tape which he'd finally gotten the bright idea to go retrieve from his house back on the main island.
As dawn broke, Roxas crept from his house, Axel close behind. Sneaking across the bridge the pair leapt down to the sand of the beach, landing as quietly as they could.
Sora didn't even twitch.
Glad that the boy was a hard sleeper, Roxas and Axel crept closer, one step at a time, Roxas clutching something against his chest, a wicked sadistic grin pulling his lips.
Finally reaching his victim, Roxas knelt in the sand and carefully pulled Sora up into a sitting position which Axel knelt down and held the brunet in while Roxas shook out his bundle of frilly fabric. Turning the garment the correct direction, Roxas pulled it over Sora's head and he and Axel worked together getting the brunet's arms through the lace-covered sleeves. Then Axel held Sora's head towards the light of the rising sun as Roxas stifled his maniacal cackling to a silent shaking of his shoulders while he applied the heavy costume makeup he'd borrowed from Selphie in exchange for copies of the pictures he intended to take.
Standing up, Roxas backed away a step and took out his camera from his pocket and took a pic of Axel sadistically grinning while holding the sleeping Sora upright. Making sure to take several good pictures of it, Roxas nodded and Axel carefully laid the brunet back down in the sand and the two fled back to Roxas's house where they lay on the edge of the island to wait for the show that would happen when Sora woke up. Roxas made sure he had his camera poised for the event.
That was when SHE came along, skipping down the beach wearing a pair of adorable sandals tied up her calves with silver ribbons, the light of the rising sun shining off her slender legs all the way to the hips where she wore a gray skirt that covered only what was required for decency and not much else. From the back hung a gray fur wolf tail, which flipped around with every skip she did.
Snatching the camera from Roxas, Axel took pictures as fast as the piece of equipment could.
Beyond the skirt, her slender stomach gleamed with the faint outlines of muscles, her pert breasts straining in a gray-fur trimmed bikini top. Around her neck she wore a collar with a heart-shaped vaccination tag, pink of course- the collar that is. The tag was red. On her head, she wore a headband with a pair of wolf ears attached and this time, instead of the oversized paw gloves, she wore bracers with fur on them.
Kairi was one sexy Big Bad Wolf.
Though the thought that he should ask Axel to save some pictures for Sora's embarrassment, the fact that Kairi was heading towards Sora made any comment Roxas intended to say moot. From across the way, they watched as Kairi stopped in her tracks, staring at Sora, all Dolled up and with nowhere to go. Bending over, she started laughing, clutching her stomach. Staggering forward, she kicked him in the side and, still laughing, delivered her line, "Hey you lazy bum! He-he-he! Wake up! I- I-'m the Big Bad Wolf!"
Sitting bolt upright, Sora stared at her- well, at her cleavage more like, since she was leaning over him and he'd just sat up and face-planted right into them.
Bursting out cackling, Roxas rolled on the ground. Axel managed to contain himself and took lots of pictures as Sora turned bright red the same moment he peeled his face from Kairi's Assets and looked towards them. "Hey!" he shouted, leaping to his feet, flailing a fist, and promptly tripped over the frilly human-sized doll's dress he was currently wearing. "HEY!" he howled, flailing to get to his feet again and not succeeding.
Kairi, incapacitated with giggles just sat down in the sand, unable to complete her lines. Sora recalling what the Sexy Big Bad Wolf had done to him last time, wasted no more time in running away, heading off across the beach, his skirts hiked up around his hips.
Slowly recovering, Kairi wiped her eyes and stood on wobbly legs. Finally getting her balance, she turned towards Sora's pathetic excuse for a house and kicked it over. Still sniggering, she headed onwards to Roxas's place. "H-hey Roxas," she giggled. "Did you dress Sora up like that?"
Getting up and dusting himself off, Roxas grinned, "Yeah. He had it coming to him."
Still giggling, Kairi shook her head, "That was so funny! I'll give you three seconds to run if you give me copies of those pictures!"
"Run? Why do I need to run?"
Trust me. Take her offer.
Looking up at the sky, Roxas winced, "Uh. Okay. Axel, take care of the camera for me?" Axel nodded, "Bye!" Turning, he dashed off across the small island, leaping over the side to dive into the water and began swimming off around the curve of the island as Kairi pulled out a mallet twice her size from behind her back. Setting into a batter's pose as Axel continued to take pictures, she hauled the mallet back and swung, sending shards of wood flying. Splinters showered down around Roxas, and looking back, he shrieked and put some real effort into swimming.
"Mind if I tag along?" Axel asked, still taking pictures.
Turning, Kairi grinned, "Sure! I've got to go test Riku's house now!"
Meanwhile, around the bend at Riku's place...
Staggering out of the water and up the beach to the part of the island Sora, Riku, and Kairi had claimed as theirs and once built a mighty raft named Highwind (though Riku still insisted it was named Excalibur) on the beach of, Roxas looked up to find a house made of bricks sitting on the beach where there had been no house before. Sora, still dressed in drag was bashing his fist on the door, screaming in a high pitched voice. "Let me in, Riku! Please! You don't know how SCARY Kairi's stomach is! I STILL have nightmares!"
Biting his lower lip, Roxas approached and announced, "She's on her way," which made Sora shriek all the louder and bang the door harder.
Finally, the door opened and Sora tumbled in, landing on the floor in front of Riku's feet.
Immediately, the silver haired boy began cackling. "What the hell happened to you?"
"ROXAS and AXEL dressed me up like this!" Sora pointed accusingly at Roxas from the floor, propped up by one elbow. "Let me in, Riku, please? Please?"
Smiling, Roxas stated, "I'll give you copies of the pictures if you let me in."
Stepping aside, Riku gestured, "Come on in, my brother!" Climbing over Sora, Roxas entered Riku's one-room nearly windowless dwelling of bricks and found a comfortable place to sit while Riku held the flailing drag queen Sora at bay by placing a foot on the boy's forehead.
"Let me in! Let me in! Riku- I'll- I'll give you uh... I'll give you my allowance for two weeks!" Sora begged.
Smirking, Riku replied, "Make it four and it's a deal."
"A whole month's allowance?" Sora gasped.
"Little Pigs, Little Pigs!" Kairi said in a sing-song voice from down the beach, "Better watch out, 'cause here I come!"
"Four!" Sora sobbed and crawled on his belly into Riku's house.
Slamming the door, Riku locked and barricaded it with a board, then moved to the narrow slit of a window beside the door to peer out. Curious, Roxas came forward and leaned down to peer out the arrow-slit beside the door, Sora sitting up on his knees to peek out beneath him.
Axel, still taking pictures was grinning mischievously, but there was no sign of Kairi.
No wait- there she was.
Pushing the cannon with all her might, Kairi carefully positioned it and stepped back to wipe her brow with one arm. Then looked down as she patted her skirt, then her breasts, and finally stated, "Oh, shoot. I don't have a match!"
Leaning forward, Axel grinned, a flame flickering from the end of his thumb, "Allow me!" he said cheerfully as he lit the fuse on the cannon.
"AXEL you cheating lying bitch!" Roxas shouted out the arrow slit just before the cannon exploded.
In a last ditch effort to save themselves, the three boys dived from the window.
Axel gleefully took pictures as the house of bricks exploded in a mushroom cloud as the bomb inside the cannonball went off, sending the three boys flying.
Dusting her hands, Kairi grinned, "Chaos, confusion, and destruction. My work here is done."
Teehee, good work Kairi! Now, what is the moral of this story?
Axle raised his hand but didn't wait to be called on, "All is fair in love and war, and blackmail?"
Good enough! The End!
Sobbing, Sora slowly crawled out of the rubble, blackened and smoking, "Hey- wait..." he sniffled, "I thought you were going to be nice to me this time!"
I never said that! I said that if you got on my nerves I'd be worse to you in this fic than I was in the other one.
Sora wailed and collapsed back under the rubble, bawling his eyes out.
Anyway! Do YOU two have anything to say?
"Who me?" Riku coughed, shaking bits of broken brick out of his hair. "Not a word."
Roxas just launched a broken brick at Sora- and hit his target, making his Other shout and grab his head in pain before reaching for something to throw back.